My journal on panic/anxiety

[Panic1971]

:weep: I hope the moderators dont mind, but I would like to keep a daily log of how I am feeling etc to see if anyone can help me or if I can help myself.

11/9/07
Got up at 6.35 to get my eldest up for school. Sat and watched some of GMTV - feel slightly anxious now. Get my youngest up and make our breakfast and packed lunch. Have our breakfast and get ready for work and school - feel okay.

Leave the house for school - start to feel slightly anxious again, but not sure why though. Is it because I have to go to work or have to wait in the school playground. My youngest goes into school as soon as we arrive. I go back to the car and drive to work - still slightly anxious.

I arrive at work and have quite a bit of work to do again today. My heart has started to race already. I start to clear yesterdays work first. I feel tense - but not sure why. Is it because I am annoyed for not clearing my work yesterday or is it because I have a lot of work to do anyway. I am wishing it is home time already so I can escape from here. I start to feel dizzy and really tense. My heart races and my head is banging. My eyes start to see things funny and I have a strange taste in my mouth. Oh no, I think I am dying thoughts pop into my head. I start to feel worse but cannot stop the thoughts. I am aware I am tensing my stomach which is affecting my breathing - but I cannot seem to breathe properly.

I try to carry on with my job and hope no-one notices me. I dont know how I get through it, but do. I am free to go home now.

I get to school, arriving just as my youngest is out so I dont have to wait about. We then drive home.

I feel slightly better now I am home.

I check out the NMP website and then start again. The pressure in my head is unbearable - and the horrible thoughts are coming thick and fast. What can I do???

I decide to capture everything in a type of journal to see if any pattern etc.

My head, neck and shoulders seem so tense - which is really frightening me. I just want to go to bed, but cant as I have the kids to see to.

My thoughts so far today have been:-
'I am going to die'
'I am going to have a heart attack'
'I am going to collapse'
'Who will pick up my youngest from school'
'How will I manage at work again tomorrow'
'The stress I am putting myself under is going to kill me'
'I am so scared'

My house could do with a damn good clean too, but I cannot muster any energy to do it. I just want to sit and do nothing - but then I feel so guilty.

Hope nobody minds me writing this. Thanks for reading if you have got this far....and if you have any suggestions - please feel free to let me know as I am sooooo desperate for any help.

Thanks

[Panic1971]

Thanks Nigel for your advice and input. I do think you are right - I do expect to feel anxious so probably do bring in on myself.

I had the worse panicky feelings for a long time today though...

12/9/07
Usual routine at home before school/work. Feeling okay this morning. Trying to be positive and not let it bring me down.

Got to work - not much in today - so not feeling as pressured. At about 11.30 ish I can feel it starting. My head felt a bit fuzzy and my neck and shoulders were really tensed - not sure why. Had something to eat in case that is what is causing it and to take my mind of it.

Felt okayish for a couple of hours then about 1/2 hour before I was finishing for the school run - I had the worse feeling in the world. My head felt really strange - kind of numb on one side and sharp stabbing pains. This made my heart start to race and I thought I was going to drop down dead there and then. It felt so different from before and thought this is it! I went to the toilets to try and calm myself down - but I felt sooooo ill. What if I am dying!!!

I decided that I had to get out of work and get home as fast as I could. I drove home in a panic! Got home and led on the floor and tried to control my breathing. After a couple of minutes I felt slightly better but I still had to do the school run. The 'what if' thoughts keep coming back into my head and I feel really panicky again. I managed to get to school and wait for my youngest although I feel really awful and dizzy. At the back of my mind am I still convinced all is not right and I should be at the hospital!!!

I get home as fast as I can and try to relax.

My problem today is - how can I accept that it is a panic attack when the feelings/symptoms are so scary and I think life threatening.....