I hate anxiety

[mcray1981]

I hate anxiety, I hate the whirring thoughts - always negative and catastrophic, I hate the hot flushes, I hate the feeling of impending doom, I hate that dull pain in the pit of your stomach - I just $$$$$$$ hate it!

I hate the way it makes you question your sanity, your happiness, the things you enjoy doing - everything!

I hate the way the fear makes you want to hide away in a corner, seek constant reassurance and rationalize your reasons for not doing things. I hate the way it gets a grip on your life and stops you doing nice or challenging things.

I hate the way that it twists your thinking making you think in such a depressed way - life can all be great and its like a thorn in your paw you can't stop looking at!

I hate most of all the fact that I can never seem to beat it. When you think its gone it comes back as strong as ever.

I hate the fact that its just a feeling, its just anxiety, its not going to physically damage me, its a response to a perceived danger that is out of proportion to the actual risk. I hate the fact I know this and yet it is still so horrible a feeling - that feeling of dread.

I want to punch anxiety square in the face and not stop punching it until its feeling the way it makes me feel!

[WiredIncorrectly]

I've been there. It's awful, and deliberating. It will get better though. What is causing you to feel more anxious at the moment?

[mcray1981]

I've been in same job 10years. It's easy, pays the bills and has reasonable hours. Part of me wants to jump ship to a better job but too scared to. Like terrified of making a mistake like I did when I was in this position about 12years ago.

[mcray1981]

I am also a software engineer btw.

[StressedEric]

How have you found working with having bad anxiety? I am a software developer too but only work part time. Sometimes the anxiety is so high it makes concentrating on coding very difficult. My short term memory is awful too because of the anxiety which as you can imagine is not good for programming either.

[mcray1981]

Yeah concentration can be a nightmare with either anxiety or depression and can take me a whole day at times to do 1hrs worth of work. I find on those days I have to break down the task into tiny tiny ones to get it done.

I'm lucky in that I know my trigger it's just an awkward one to face as it's a permanent change. Basically I am in public sector and any change to private terrifies me as I imagine the absolute worst. Long hours, crunches and endless pressure. So if I get myself in situation where I feel I have to or should change job it causes fight or flight to kick in with all the stuff listed above.
It's truly a wonderful thing....

[WiredIncorrectly]

I freelance. I have a good client base who have regular work available. But, at times I find it hard. Sometimes I can't work, like now. I can't focus. I'm writing windows drivers and DLL's in C at the moment. It's fun, I like C. I prefer to work alone and to my own clock because it's less pressure.

[mcray1981]

I have a vicious cycle going on with work and it keeps repeating itself. It's what causes my anxiety. Years ago I agonised over a decision to jump ship to a private sector company. It was stress from day 1 and to be honest was a bit of a mickey mouse company. None of the other devs liked it either. I lost confidence in myself and after 9 months came back into the public sector. It took me a while to settle where I am but I did - the work is ok - not pressured but interesting enough at times and there are times when I like interacting with the users. The hours and location are dead on too - there are some issues like in the summer there are 3 weeks where its not really approved to take holidays. Training is non-existent but the job is straight-forward - I dont take work home at night, have a car park space, great holidays (31 + 12 stats). I get to work from home one day a week. Most days I'm home around 4.30 and get to do the things I want to - like play with my kids. Sounds not too bad so far??

Every so often I look at other people and compare up and think "I should jump ship to a better paid private sector job", "I should get promoted to next grade up" etc. Then the panic kicks in and stops me. What if its more pressure in the private sector will I be able to cope? What if I have to work longer hours? What if I have to travel? What if the work isn't interesting and just drudgery? What if the job doesn't last and I have to move again? I'll never be able to do this. The evidence says that I am good at my job (84% appraisal and if work is tough it usually ends with me). This is when my panic attacks, sleep disturbance, anxiety and depression kick in.

I think I have 2 problems.

1 - never being content with what I have - I actually believe if I jump to that "better" job I'll still feel inferior to other people and not be happy
2 - the panic that stops me even being able to do that jump

This leaves me feeling trapped and makes the anxiety worse. It clouds my judgement - it makes me want to run to my safe place. It makes it impossible to figure out whether I like the job I have really or if I'm using that as an excuse to not face my fears. If I stay how do I reconcile myself to say with pride I'm lead developer at x rather than mumble it. Why do I have to be so perfect?

[mcray1981]

I also have an interview for that "better" job on Tuesday. Completely closed minded to it and just thinking all the negative things about it. "It will be pressure", "It won't last", "I'm not good enough", "I'll have to work long hours to cope".