View Full Version : I don't enjoy being alive anymore and don't know what to do
I am a 27 year old guy and I've have health anxiety (and general anxiety) periodically throughout my entire life, but it has never been as bad as it is now. I remember a time when I was in college and the only anxiety I had was in regards to dating women, and this didn't interfere with my life. 5 or 6 months ago, I would wake up every day with stiff hands and this lasted a few weeks. Right after my hands stopped bothering me, I developed persistent body-wide twitching and became convinced that I was dying of ALS after looking up what might cause my hands to cramp and twitching, and reading stories about how people my age had twitching before being diagnosed with ALS. I read about how these people went to doctors who told them nothing was wrong at first and that their symptoms were related to stress, so I didn't see the point in going to a doctor if I wouldn't trust their diagnosis. For 3 months or so, I would wake up every day wondering if this was the day I lost function of a hand or foot and would never regain that function again. 4+ months later, I have been adding muscle mass, gaining significant strength weight lifting, and the twitching has decreased a lot in frequency. I assume if I had ALS I would be in a wheelchair at this point and the situation would be a lot different. I still have ALS in the back of my head, but my most recent focus has been a brain tumor. I'm at a point where I honestly wish I had one of these terminal diseases to put an end to everything, because I know I'm never going to live a meaningful life the way things are going. I can't go the rest of my life convinced I am dying of XYX disease every few months. I stopped posting in the other forums here because it was always something new every few weeks and I felt like it was disrespectful to keep posting about the same things.
I've been socializing much less than I used to and I have little interest in being in a relationship, because I keep convincing myself I'm not going to be around much longer and what woman would want to date a man who doesn't enjoy life and is preoccupied with thoughts of his own death?. I've heard many stories about how people let their health anxiety destroy their relationship and I haven't dated someone in a few years because of this.
You don't have to live like this, I promise.
The first thing you need to do, though, is commit to learning to manage your anxiety - a visit to your healthcare provider is usually a great start with this.
I agree , I think this is simple beq45......go to your GP. 'Not living like this' - well there is fortunately another solution rather than having a terminal disease :yesyes: Open up and tell them how bad you feel and the level of your anxiety about health, take a list of bullet points if necessary; the effect it is having on your life, how low it is making you etc and request a mental health referral for support. I actually think you are further along in the process of dealing with this than you think , you have done a few fairly hard foundation things - 1. Accepted that it was/IS HA causing your fear of various symptoms. 2. Recognised that you want to not have HA as part of your life. (many never get to that point). You have actually moved on from the ALS and dealt with it actually, unfortunately, as is shown by so many here another illness takes its place with equal savagery. You have the ability to change things around and you are really SO young, with the rest of your life ahead of you. This can be kicked in the WHATSITS with the right techniques and efforts on your part. I think you would be able to do that too, put in the effort, as you have the motivation with wanting an end to this miserable state.
ankietyjoe
14-05-19, 16:18
The problem here is all those stories you're reading, all those unfounded fears you're planting inside your head.
"Because I keep convincing myself" is the key phrase here.
Stop researching, stop googling and stop wondering.
It has been said here thousands of times before, but if you insist on googling stuff, you will suffer. There are no if's, no but's, and no way around this. If you google, you will suffer. So stop doing it.
Focus on just that, and you'll start to feel better over time. Next time you feel like googling, pick up a goddam weight and try and set a new PB :winks:
I agree , I think this is simple beq45......go to your GP. 'Not living like this' - well there is fortunately another solution rather than having a terminal disease :yesyes: Open up and tell them how bad you feel and the level of your anxiety about health, take a list of bullet points if necessary; the effect it is having on your life, how low it is making you etc and request a mental health referral for support. I actually think you are further along in the process of dealing with this than you think , you have done a few fairly hard foundation things - 1. Accepted that it was/IS HA causing your fear of various symptoms. 2. Recognised that you want to not have HA as part of your life. (many never get to that point). You have actually moved on from the ALS and dealt with it actually, unfortunately, as is shown by so many here another illness takes its place with equal savagery. You have the ability to change things around and you are really SO young, with the rest of your life ahead of you. This can be kicked in the WHATSITS with the right techniques and efforts on your part. I think you would be able to do that too, put in the effort, as you have the motivation with wanting an end to this miserable state.
I don’t feel like getting professional help. I think my only option is to live with it and hope that I actually get one of these diseases I think I have so it just puts and end to this weakness of mine. I don’t expect to live a long life for a variety of reasons, but don’t have the courage to even take my own life
I don’t feel like getting professional help. I think my only option is to live with it and hope that I actually get one of these diseases I think I have so it just puts and end to this weakness of mine. I don’t expect to live a long life for a variety of reasons, but don’t have the courage to even take my own life
Oh ok. I was wrong about the motivation to kick HA in the butt :roflmao:All the best to you then beq45.
I don’t feel like getting professional help.
You've mentioned this before. Why?
Wouldn't you get professional help if your car needed repair?
Wouldn't you get professional help back in college if your studies were falling behind?
Wouldn't you get professional help to replace a stove or toilet?
Wouldn't you get professional help (a pilot) to travel overseas?
And so on. Why is professional help for your mental health such a big obstacle for you?
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You've mentioned this before. Why?
Wouldn't you get professional help if your car needed repair?
Wouldn't you get professional help back in college if your studies were falling behind?
Wouldn't you get professional help to replace a stove or toilet?
Wouldn't you get professional help (a pilot) to travel overseas?
And so on. Why is professional help for your mental health such a big obstacle for you?
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I guess I don’t feel like I deserve to get better. I have some slight self-destructive tendencies and don’t tend to do things to help myself. It’s like how I don’t date because I don’t think I deserve a relationship
Of course you deserve a happy life. Everybody does.
Of course you deserve a happy life. Everybody does.
Even if I wanted to be happy, I don’t think I am capable of being happy. I have everything I could want in life as a guy (height, good shape, good job, good family) besides a woman in my life, but I am determined to destroy myself. I am convinced my life is a waste and I'm not doing anything here, so why should I live a nice full life? My thought on that matter is that I wish I wasn’t born every day and the shorter my life, the better. I am thinking about becoming an alcoholic because it's in my genes and almost killed a family member of mine, so maybe it will kill me.
I guess I don’t feel like I deserve to get better. I have some slight self-destructive tendencies and don’t tend to do things to help myself. It’s like how I don’t date because I don’t think I deserve a relationshipThank you for answering. I suspected that was the reason but I didn't want to put words in your mouth. The next question to me then is what is it about yourself that makes you feel less deserving or less worthy of a happy life, etc.? Do you see other people and say "yes they are deserving but not me"? If so is there something you can put your finger on that shows (to you) the perceived difference between themselves and yourself?
I'm curious and would like to be able to help but I doubt I know to ask the right things, to me this sounds very much like the exact kind of thing a professional therapist can easily get to the bottom of. I think you do deserve a shot at a happy life by trying to get help you might just find a way out of your self-destructive tendencies.
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Thank you for answering. I suspected that was the reason but I didn't want to put words in your mouth. The next question to me then is what is it about yourself that makes you feel less deserving or less worthy of a happy life, etc.? Do you see other people and say "yes they are deserving but not me"? If so is there something you can put your finger on that shows (to you) the perceived difference between themselves and yourself?
I'm curious and would like to be able to help but I doubt I know to ask the right things, to me this sounds very much like the exact kind of thing a professional therapist can easily get to the bottom of. I think you do deserve a shot at a happy life by trying to get help you might just find a way out of your self-destructive tendencies.
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I don’t believe anyone is necessarily deserving of a happy life or unhappy life. I just view our lives as worthless. We live however short amount of time we’re going to live, most of us live terrible lives, and then we turn into dust. My world view is basically life sucks, then you die.
ankietyjoe
22-05-19, 21:39
I don’t believe anyone is necessarily deserving of a happy life or unhappy life. I just view our lives as worthless. We live however short amount of time we’re going to live, most of us live terrible lives, and then we turn into dust. My world view is basically life sucks, then you die.
Could be worse, you could be a rape victim with PTSD, or be a 7 year old kid who lives in a war zone who's parents were blown up in front of them, or you could be blind, or you could blah blah blah.
Get out in nature and suck up some fresh air. Maybe there isn't a point to life, maybe we're just here for the ride. Maybe (and this is the important bit) the ride is what you make it.
If you're not happy with your life, do something about it. You only get one go.
My world view is basically life sucks, then you die.
I'm very sorry for you that you feel that way, and very glad I don't.
I’m not trying to say I have it tough compared to anyone else. I would never try to compare myself to someone who grew up in a war zone, for example. I’m just saying I’m 27 and view my life as worthless, so I don’t plan on doing things like getting married or having a family.
ankietyjoe
22-05-19, 22:49
I’m not trying to say I have it tough compared to anyone else. I would never try to compare myself to someone who grew up in a war zone, for example. I’m just saying I’m 27 and view my life as worthless, so I don’t plan on doing things like getting married or having a family.
Then find something you do want to do. Stop overthinking shit and go do something. I would f*cking kill to be 27 again and have another go.
Midnight-mouse
22-05-19, 22:54
I’m not trying to say I have it tough compared to anyone else. I would never try to compare myself to someone who grew up in a war zone, for example. I’m just saying I’m 27 and view my life as worthless, so I don’t plan on doing things like getting married or having a family.
I mean I’m getting married but I won’t have children, it’s all about the path we choose for ourselves.
Is there anything you’ve found passion for in life at all? Video games, art, literature, music, nature, it doesn’t have to be particularly involved just something that ignites/ed something in you.
Positive vibes,
Mouse
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I mean I’m getting married but I won’t have children, it’s all about the path we choose for ourselves.
Is there anything you’ve found passion for in life at all? Video games, art, literature, music, nature, it doesn’t have to be particularly involved just something that ignites/ed something in you.
Positive vibes,
Mouse
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I like reading, traveling, lifting weights, going to museums, etc., but I don’t consider these legitimate passions. It just reinforces my idea of myself as a boring waste of resources.
Midnight-mouse
23-05-19, 09:14
I like reading, traveling, lifting weights, going to museums, etc., but I don’t consider these legitimate passions. It just reinforces my idea of myself as a boring waste of resources.
None of those things are boring, are you still feeling enjoyment from them? I notice when my depression is bad that my enjoyment in things is usually the first thing to go. Do you create anything or work in any way? - then your not just ‘wasting resources’ but creating them for others.
Is there anything you are truly passionate about?
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Unfortunately, it looks as though you're buying into the myth of life having to have some greater purpose.
The truth is, we make our own. For some, this means settling down and starting a family, for some, it means achieving some great goal, for somebody else, it might be something completely different.
Me, I subscribe to John Finnemore's motto for how to live a successful life: Be kind, and have fun.
Unfortunately, it looks as though you're buying into the myth of life having to have some greater purpose.
The truth is, we make our own. For some, this means settling down and starting a family, for some, it means achieving some great goal, for somebody else, it might be something completely different.
Me, I subscribe to John Finnemore's motto for how to live a successful life: Be kind, and have fun.
I used to be motivated by the idea that if I achieved something notable, my name could possibly be remembered for many years. I’m not even motivated by that idea anymore because what’s the point if it seems uncertain that human civilization will even make it out of this century? Climate change or nuclear weapons will probably do the trick and if they don’t, eventually an asteroid will hit the earth and the sun burning out will complete the job. Hopefully one of those things happens sooner, rather than later. Nothing anyone does is worth anything in the grand scheme of things. Life is inherently worthless. Nobody’s life matters and we are all equally worthless, but we fall into the trap of thinking some people’s lives are worth more than others because they did something notable, when they don’t.
What about in the small scheme of things, though, on a day to day basis?
What about in the small scheme of things, though, on a day to day basis?
That doesn’t matter to me, because it just seems like a distraction. That’s why I don’t plan on getting married, having kids, etc. I don’t want anything to distract me
If the future existence of the universe were guaranteed, and if your success were guaranteed, what grand accomplishment would you set about to achieve, in order to be remembered forever?
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ankietyjoe
06-06-19, 09:42
I think the OP should volunteer to do some charity work and help some people that are a lot, lot, lot worse off than they are.
Sometimes in life you just need a little perspective to help you get over yourself.
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