demanding biopsy for lymph nodes

[eminence]

I've learned that rubbery lymph nodes are NOT classified as normal and that nodes in lymphomas are often mobile. Cancerous nodes can remain the same size for years, as the ones in my neck have. My delusions that I'm healthy and that my lymph nodes are just coincidence have been blown out of the water. Indolent lymphomas CAN be found in young people and I'm an idiot for reasoning that it could never happen to me because it's uncommon.

My nodes haven't "grown" over the last two years but that doesn't comfort me at all anymore. The fact that they are close to the skin, palpable, rubbery, located in the neck and a frightening size already is enough. How I've managed to ignore them is beyond me. I've been panicking more than ever and even throwing up. I am now almost certain that I have lymphoma, the signs are too clear to ignore. I've booked a visit with another GP on Tuesday where I will demand a biopsy and scans.

I have 100s of people I want to blame (especially the incompetent doctors who ignored my symptoms) but at the end of the day I have no one to blame but myself. I was afraid to look pushy by asking for a scan or biopsy 2 years ago, I was afraid seeing more doctors and doing more research made me look crazy. My biggest slip up was being so afraid of disease in the first place that I've gotten to the point where I am more afraid of having lymphoma than dying of lymphoma (I can see the humour in that). Whatever the outcome of my tests, none of this would've been a problem if I wasn't such a coward whose life was driven by fear. I swear to god that if I am wrong about this and my results come back as normal I will leave this site, stop scorning doctors and never think about lymph nodes again.

[AMomentofClarity]

I've learned that rubbery lymph nodes are NOT classified as normal and that nodes in lymphomas are often mobile. Cancerous nodes can remain the same size for years, as the ones in my neck have. My delusions that I'm healthy and that my lymph nodes are just coincidence have been blown out of the water. Indolent lymphomas CAN be found in young people and I'm an idiot for reasoning that it could never happen to me because it's uncommon.

My nodes haven't "grown" over the last two years but that doesn't comfort me at all anymore. The fact that they are close to the skin, palpable, rubbery, located in the neck and a frightening size already is enough. How I've managed to ignore them is beyond me. I've been panicking more than ever and even throwing up. I am now almost certain that I have lymphoma, the signs are too clear to ignore. I've booked a visit with another GP on Tuesday where I will demand a biopsy and scans.

I have 100s of people I want to blame (especially the incompetent doctors who ignored my symptoms) but at the end of the day I have no one to blame but myself. I was afraid to look pushy by asking for a scan or biopsy 2 years ago, I was afraid seeing more doctors and doing more research made me look crazy. My biggest slip up was being so afraid of disease in the first place that I've gotten to the point where I am more afraid of having lymphoma than dying of lymphoma (I can see the humour in that). Whatever the outcome of my tests, none of this would've been a problem if I wasn't such a coward whose life was driven by fear. I swear to god that if I am wrong about this and my results come back as normal I will leave this site, stop scorning doctors and never think about lymph nodes again.

whoa whoa whoa, take a deep breath. There are hundreds of threads on this site alone describing exactly what you’re going through, in which the person was fine. You’re going way overboard with the catastrophising

[nomorepanic]

I swear to god that if I am wrong about this and my results come back as normal I will leave this site, stop scorning doctors and never think about lymph nodes again.

What is it with people saying they are going to leave when they DON'T get that terrible diagnosis they have been wanting?

That comes across as a bit selfish to me as you can stick around and help others dealing with similar worries.

[Fishmanpa]

What is it with people saying they are going to leave when they DON'T get that terrible diagnosis they have been wanting?

That comes across as a bit selfish to me as you can stick around and help others dealing with similar worries.

Preach it Sister!

https://media.giphy.com/media/9CvWZTFXyNBio/giphy.gif

Positive thoughts

[eminence]

I forgot to mention that I found a few bumps over my uppermost abs, can't see them at all but I can roll them around in my fingers. They feel like lymph nodes and I'm worried this is the lymphoma spreading to other parts of the body but I'm trying to be rational about this. My abs are asymmetrical (right side with the lumps fattier than the left), but I don't know if they've always been like this and the lumps are normal, or if they are causing the asymmetry. If it truly was cancer, I'd have larger lymph nodes by now, even slow-growing cancers don't grow this slowly. I've been able to feel my lymph nodes for 2 years and if the cancer has reached the nodes in my chest, I'd probably be noticing something other than tiny lymph nodes by now and I'd have nodes all over my body, not just a few in the neck and top of the abs. I don't even need to mention the low odds of developing indolent lymphoma at the age of 21. Despite everything, I still feel that I'm a statistical anomaly and this is the real thing.

In the end I realise my end goal shouldn't be to determine whether or not I have cancer, but to become more stoic and relaxed so that whatever happens doesn't bother me. My anxiety is getting worse (nightmares and nausea for days) but I need to shut all of this out until my GP visit. I'm sorry for these one-sided rants.