eminence
17-05-19, 17:43
I've learned that rubbery lymph nodes are NOT classified as normal and that nodes in lymphomas are often mobile. Cancerous nodes can remain the same size for years, as the ones in my neck have. My delusions that I'm healthy and that my lymph nodes are just coincidence have been blown out of the water. Indolent lymphomas CAN be found in young people and I'm an idiot for reasoning that it could never happen to me because it's uncommon.
My nodes haven't "grown" over the last two years but that doesn't comfort me at all anymore. The fact that they are close to the skin, palpable, rubbery, located in the neck and a frightening size already is enough. How I've managed to ignore them is beyond me. I've been panicking more than ever and even throwing up. I am now almost certain that I have lymphoma, the signs are too clear to ignore. I've booked a visit with another GP on Tuesday where I will demand a biopsy and scans.
I have 100s of people I want to blame (especially the incompetent doctors who ignored my symptoms) but at the end of the day I have no one to blame but myself. I was afraid to look pushy by asking for a scan or biopsy 2 years ago, I was afraid seeing more doctors and doing more research made me look crazy. My biggest slip up was being so afraid of disease in the first place that I've gotten to the point where I am more afraid of having lymphoma than dying of lymphoma (I can see the humour in that). Whatever the outcome of my tests, none of this would've been a problem if I wasn't such a coward whose life was driven by fear. I swear to god that if I am wrong about this and my results come back as normal I will leave this site, stop scorning doctors and never think about lymph nodes again.
My nodes haven't "grown" over the last two years but that doesn't comfort me at all anymore. The fact that they are close to the skin, palpable, rubbery, located in the neck and a frightening size already is enough. How I've managed to ignore them is beyond me. I've been panicking more than ever and even throwing up. I am now almost certain that I have lymphoma, the signs are too clear to ignore. I've booked a visit with another GP on Tuesday where I will demand a biopsy and scans.
I have 100s of people I want to blame (especially the incompetent doctors who ignored my symptoms) but at the end of the day I have no one to blame but myself. I was afraid to look pushy by asking for a scan or biopsy 2 years ago, I was afraid seeing more doctors and doing more research made me look crazy. My biggest slip up was being so afraid of disease in the first place that I've gotten to the point where I am more afraid of having lymphoma than dying of lymphoma (I can see the humour in that). Whatever the outcome of my tests, none of this would've been a problem if I wasn't such a coward whose life was driven by fear. I swear to god that if I am wrong about this and my results come back as normal I will leave this site, stop scorning doctors and never think about lymph nodes again.