View Full Version : Next stage of my life after marriage
So in another month I tick marriage off the box so I moved from a flat to a house last year. Do I say that’s it I have achieved enough and just continue or do I search for a new challenge a new career? Go back and learn to drive I had over 100 lessons but that was ten years ago how easy is it to go back? My partner doesn’t seem keen on driving so it’s an added pressure. Or do I have a family just one and get by or do I make that choice not to have any?
I mean i will continue to holiday around Europe by rail as I don’t like flying but can I reach my goal of New York? What next for me? I often worry I have no free will to decide anyway so what the heck? I could content myself but something tells me it’s human nature to have a go at something else? Is there anyone here got to a stage in life they are content and don’t need the next goal or life goal so to speak?
Yes, absolutely. I have a wonderful husband, I'm in a line of work I love and most of my goals these days relate to extending myself in my creative endeavours.
May I ask why you're asking these life decision questions to a anxiety forum of strangers? Wouldn't this be a personal decision and something you discuss with your fiance', friends or family? Besides, if one were to suggest for instance that you learn to drive, you'll turn it into a "yeah but" and use it as a reassurance seeking tool.
I will add that life passes by so damn fast and the things we aspire for in reality often turn out totally different. Best advice is to read the quote in my signature. Your mental illness has had you chasing the wind for far too long.
Positive thoughts
MyNameIsTerry
24-05-19, 14:11
I've never been married but I don't view it as a life goal. Part of me is questioning why you view things this way because I have some of this myself. When I was therapy I explained my life had become like the projects I used to lead/manage. A daily box tick. It wasn't going through the motions for me though, it was an avoidance of not having things to do because my anxiety was so bad then. I still feel it now but it is greatly reduced.
I think it is healthier to drift more. Shouldn't marriage be another new beginning in a relationship just as moving in together or having kids is?
ankietyjoe
24-05-19, 14:24
I agree with Terry. To some extent life is about riding the wave and seeing what happens. Life goals and checklists are massively, massively overrated.
So in another month I tick marriage off the box so I moved from a flat to a house last year. Do I say that’s it I have achieved enough
Marriage is not an "achievement". It is a commitment and symbolic act of love you make for another. Seeing it as an achievement and something to cross off a 'wish list' is both shallow and pretentious.
I hope you have deeper feelings which you're not displaying here or your marriage won't last long imo.
venusbluejeans
24-05-19, 23:27
Marriage is not an "achievement". It is a commitment and symbolic act of love you make for another. Seeing it as an achievement and something to cross off a 'wish list' is both shallow and pretentious.
I hope you have deeper feelings which you're not displaying here or your marriage won't last long imo.
agreeing with this completely
Marriage is not an "achievement". It is a commitment and symbolic act of love you make for another. Seeing it as an achievement and something to cross off a 'wish list' is both shallow and pretentious.
I hope you have deeper feelings which you're not displaying here or your marriage won't last long imo.
Say what you want but lots of people see it as something to cross off even posts above. Life is what you make of it some people marry for the sake of it, marry too young or cheat. My sister often questions why I am marrying but it’s a personal choice we all have our reasons.
nomorepanic
25-05-19, 00:49
Marriage is underrated in my opinion. Why do people need to do it to achieve something? That is not what it is about.
It is not a tick list and one to check off.
MyNameIsTerry
25-05-19, 01:55
Say what you want but lots of people see it as something to cross off even posts above. Life is what you make of it some people marry for the sake of it, marry too young or cheat. My sister often questions why I am marrying but it’s a personal choice we all have our reasons.
True and it's not a new attitude. The same with starting a family.
Agree with KK though. Some have the same and don't get married at all but it doesn't change what just is between them.
Say what you want but lots of people see it as something to cross off even posts above. Life is what you make of it some people marry for the sake of it, marry too young or cheat. My sister often questions why I am marrying but it’s a personal choice we all have our reasons.
So can I ask why you have chosen to get married, Phil? Especially in view of your OCD struggles and anxiety. Do you feel under pressure to get married?
Also, would your wife's opinion be important to you in your decision-making?
So can I ask why you have chosen to get married, Phil? Especially in view of your OCD struggles and anxiety. Do you feel under pressure to get married?
That is my point - people getting married for "wrong" reasons. Ditto having kids. Suddenly, one finds life is far more complicated.
Of course nothing is guaranteed in life - but as long as there is a foundation of love and understanding, problems can be overcome.
We will not go into why I am getting married because it’s happening and I am.
The issue is do I do big goals like drive and have a family or do I content myself and go on holiday continue to see the world best I can and stay in my job? For example when I was younger I would go through 5/6 jobs a year constantly walking out of jobs I had relationships that never worked I was 5 years single and always miserable and I couldn’t hold down a friendship. Fast forward ten years I have had same friends for ten years been in my job almost 8 years and a relationship for 7 years so my point is having some consistency and stability is better for me than always making major changes?
nomorepanic
26-05-19, 18:21
I don't think you can plan life like that - sometimes it plans things for you. You don't have to have big goals etc etc just go with the flow.
So you are getting married for some consistency and stability? "7 year itch" and all that? It's best that way for you?
I can imagine that you would find it difficult to "go with the flow" though?
I think your fiancee might appreciate some involvement in a decision to start a family. She may have some thoughts of her own on this?
We will not go into why I am getting married because it’s happening and I am.
The issue is do I do big goals like drive and have a family or do I content myself and go on holiday continue to see the world best I can and stay in my job? For example when I was younger I would go through 5/6 jobs a year constantly walking out of jobs I had relationships that never worked I was 5 years single and always miserable and I couldn’t hold down a friendship. Fast forward ten years I have had same friends for ten years been in my job almost 8 years and a relationship for 7 years so my point is having some consistency and stability is better for me than always making major changes?
No one said there is anything wrong with you getting married, and I have wished you all the best before.
I was questioning your attitude and views which you posted - not necessarily reasons.
We will not go into why I am getting married because it’s happening and I am.
So I ask again, why even ask opinions of internet strangers? You're going to do what you want to do and think what you want to think (which has been your MO for over 13 years) regardless of what anyone says :shrug:
Positive thoughts
MyNameIsTerry
27-05-19, 02:17
The issue is do I do big goals like drive and have a family or do I content myself and go on holiday continue to see the world best I can and stay in my job?
I think your fiancee might appreciate some involvement in a decision to start a family. She may have some thoughts of her own on this?
That's for you and your wife to discuss as pulisa is saying.
Well that’s the stag doo over, wedding and honeymoon so pressure is on. My dream is to go to New York but right now I have a fear of flying especially long haul flights I hope I can live the dream and make it to NYC.
Dying_Swan
13-07-19, 12:11
Congratulations on your marriage Phil, and good luck with your dream of going to NY x
So in another month I tick marriage off the box
So, hold on, is that it - Stag do, wedding and honeymoon 'over'. Is that literally all you have to say, after the years of us talking about it here with you ? Another thing ticked on your list of life 'boxes' and now moving on......
I doubt whether Phil sees anything unusual in his need to tick these necessary life "boxes" but it is a very clinical way of looking at things.
I guess New York is next on the agenda? What do you want to do in New York once you're there, Phil? Any plans or is it just another destination to be ticked off as "done"? What does your wife think about going to New York?
Harsh, I know, but so far we've seen no evidence that Phil has any interest whatsoever in what his wife thinks.
I doubt whether Phil sees anything unusual in his need to tick these necessary life "boxes" but it is a very clinical way of looking at things.
I guess New York is next on the agenda? What do you want to do in New York once you're there, Phil? Any plans or is it just another destination to be ticked off as "done"? What does your wife think about going to New York?
She is happy to go and she doesn’t share my fear of flying so she has actually been to America once already years ago.
But yes she likes flying but she’s happy to go by train. Been round most of Europe by rail and only flew to two places.
I need to take a notion to fly somewhere I don’t enjoy it much
But let’s get back on topic what’s realistic? Yes there is a tick off list but do I actually want to do these stuff?
Driving I had over 100 lessons, sat 4 driving tests and failed the last one before I left the test centre at that point I had an anxiety breakdown and gave up. That was a decade ago I don’t have the courage to go back?
Family wise I have dated single mums but having my own is different.
I have dreams of owning a bigger house with a garage, going to NYC and so on but I have no idea how realistic these goals are.
3 years ago I had a breakdown and I was in hospital, I lived in a flat just moved out but I never believed I’d ever get married or own a house and 3 years later I have.
I am a little confused by dreams and realistic goals. I am unsure what I want right now as after I proposed two years ago I decided to go travelling. Now let me be clear growing up I was always a homebody and never ventured far outside Scotland. The fact I am travelling now is something new for me
Harsh, I know, but so far we've seen no evidence that Phil has any interest whatsoever in what his wife thinks.
All I can say is she is laid back and is happy with what I do
All I can say is she is laid back and is happy with what I do
Phil, that's great! It's wonderful for us anxious people when we find somebody to tolerate our nonsense. All I can say is to be sure to never take her for granted.
Phil, that's great! It's wonderful for us anxious people when we find somebody to tolerate our nonsense. All I can say is to be sure to never take her for granted.
I agree my ex never and I was single for 5 years but that was when I had bad anxiety and never wanted to leave the house. My issue is ocd right now still bad but not quite so bad
Why don’t you make a 5 year plan? But include your health on the list too maybe?
Why don’t you make a 5 year plan? But include your health on the list too maybe?
My mum always wanted to have another house or go to Rome and NYC and never did. So how realistic are goals?
I mean some people don’t get everting they want do they?
No, but you could make realistic goals and plans to achieve them.
I've just read through this thread and I thing that jumps out at me is Phil's fear of death and dying has a lot to do with the way he sees things, hence the checklist. Or for a better word, a 'bucket list', sorry, two words.
Phil, I'm not meaning to sound as if I am talking about you,
But this would make sense in what looks like strange behaviour to others.
I've just read through this thread and I thing that jumps out at me is Phil's fear of death and dying has a lot to do with the way he sees things, hence the checklist. Or for a better word, a 'bucket list', sorry, two words.
Phil, I'm not meaning to sound as if I am talking about you,
But this would make sense in what looks like strange behaviour to others.
Well I do feel I have been around forever once I hit about 28 I decided that was too old and I had to do things at a quicker pace especially when you read the news
Although I don't agree with checklists or bucket lists, I think everyone has a compendium of places to see and things to experience. Personally I think it's the way you come across saying things that rub other members up the wrong way.
If you had saud, "I've done it, I've got married" with a big smiley face, it would have been received as a congratulations. Instead, members are assuming you are par say with everything you do.
MyNameIsTerry
17-07-19, 01:48
I've just read through this thread and I thing that jumps out at me is Phil's fear of death and dying has a lot to do with the way he sees things, hence the checklist. Or for a better word, a 'bucket list', sorry, two words.
Phil, I'm not meaning to sound as if I am talking about you,
But this would make sense in what looks like strange behaviour to others.
That's very possible, Carnation.
I've always viewed it as a clinical way of looking at life, a rigidity not helped by status anxiety. Life is less about just enjoying it and more fulfilling expectations even though the person isn't interested in them.
I just feel frustrated I thought when the wedding was over I wouldn’t suddenly set and achieve new goals? I thought I would go back and learn to drive, maybe change my mind and want a family, fly somewhere, eventually NYC.
Whats actually happened well I am going to more gigs again, I booked two new holidays all be it by train. I am keen to save money so I spent less on holidays.
Should I be positive that I have lots to look forward to? Should I accept as I said before these other goals might not happen as I just don’t feel like it? I mean I talk to many older people who say life hasn’t gone as planned but I am unsure what path to take. People often tell me if I can’t make a choice don’t go or do whatever the thing is and perhaps my goals above as good and as socially acceptable it is to have a family or fly somewhere perhaps I am just not able to right now?
I mean having a family or driving again require more of a big chat than say marriage?
venusbluejeans
19-07-19, 19:43
I mean I talk to many older people who say life hasn’t gone as planned
But I bet most of them are happy that life didn't go with the plan they had.
Learning to drive requires more of a big chat that marriage?!?!? just wow...... you really think that learning to drive is a more important decision than getting married??
But I bet most of them are happy that life didn't go with the plan they had.
Learning to drive requires more of a big chat that marriage?!?!? just wow...... you really think that learning to drive is a more important decision than getting married??
Is it more important than marriage? Course not but in my case yes because after my 4th test I almost had a breakdown as it got too much so would require a big chat about doing it again.
Why would they be happy they never lived there dreams?
Midnight-mouse
19-07-19, 23:01
Why would they be happy they never lived there dreams?
Because things that DO happen can very often be so much better than the things we could of imagined or planned ourselves.
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nomorepanic
19-07-19, 23:02
You never mention your wife - does she have anything to do with all of this ?
You never mention your wife - does she have anything to do with all of this ?
Driving no, holidays as I said she’s laid back. Being honest I don’t come here to talk about her I know it’s been mentioned before but all I can say is she is laid back and happy for me do what I want.
Because things that DO happen can very often be so much better than the things we could of imagined or planned ourselves.
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I don’t really get that
MyNameIsTerry
20-07-19, 02:46
Driving no, holidays as I said she’s laid back. Being honest I don’t come here to talk about her I know it’s been mentioned before but all I can say is she is laid back and happy for me do what I want.
Well the big chat you mention is where your wife comes in to it, she's the first and most important person to be talking to.
I don’t really get that
We can't control everything in life and sometimes things turn out even better when we haven't planned for them meticulously. But we don't know this at the time of course which is where the anxiety comes in.
Driving no, holidays as I said she’s laid back. Being honest I don’t come here to talk about her I know it’s been mentioned before but all I can say is she is laid back and happy for me do what I want.
I understand that your wife is compliant but would you ever take her needs into consideration above your own? I think it's important to try to understand that others are allowed to have opinions which may not be the same as yours and are still valid.
This is true. Just because your wife doesn't mind putting your needs first, it doesn't mean she should always have to. Loving somebody means compromise; we all do things we'd ideally rather not to make the people we care about happy.
Ah we are into 'empathy' territory here guys.....this might not go well. :winks:
Phil, honestly, I know you try and control what we ask about, and then when it moves in a direction you aren't happy with, you shut it down. Your wife IS relevant entirely to this thread and that is why people are bringing her up time and time again, to try and get you to make slightly different considerations when making choices.
venusbluejeans
20-07-19, 12:15
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/1d/e0/40/1de040c653a787a5d05c319c6c0133c5.png
“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
This famous saying from John Lennon reflects a paradox in our lives. Many of us would like to have a peaceful ride, enjoy the present moment, yet we can’t help but make future plans so we feel secure, or we spend time digging on past hurts. Lennon doesn’t say we shouldn’t make plans, but that the true experience of being alive is beyond those plans, and “happens” to us.
At first view, this seems to negate any personal will, since the right answer to life would be to embrace it instead of trying to direct it, but it might just be that free will should be redirected from the content of our lives to its approach: Instead of using our free will to decide what should come next, we’d use it to choose between ego or letting go, between a life ruled by our mind or a life in tune with a higher intelligence. For most people, this higher intelligence only seems to manifest when their life flows: important meetings happen, synchronicities lead to a new path and something mysterious seems to be pulling the strings. The willingness to not resist whatever life is putting on the road determines how long the ride will last. Then, one day, the ego-mind takes back its throne, doubt arises and the magical path vanishes. Guidance seems no longer there.
To stay on the path we must trust, live in the present, and let go of fear. In other words, behaviors we have not been taught growing up, so deconditioning is necessary. Learned behaviors are often a source of false security and self-limitation. Unfortunately, any mind work on deconditioning will only take us so far: “you cannot remove a thorn with a thorn” as the Buddhists say. The ego-mind will always fight its way to the director seat, reverting to its lower patterns as soon as it is threaten by change. To get rid of the ego is impossible, to put it as a servant of this higher intelligence is the answer.
Trust is the first step: Faith is beyond the ego-mind. By trusting something unknown, limitless and wise, you jump over the illusory self-limitations of the mind, hence opening the door to higher guidance and purpose. The place you create from is no longer the result of years of self-definition but the unlimited potential this higher intelligence has in reserve for you. So co-creation happens at a different level: not the level where your thoughts create your reality but the level where your alignment with the higher intelligence of your life allows you to receive its energy. What you manifest then is no longer the fruit of an illusion, the product of something as fleeting as the mind. You manifest from the higher intent behind your life. True purpose lies outside of the ego-mind’s grasp.
Living in the present is a necessary condition for this higher intelligence to manifest. Calling on past experiences to evaluate something only brings more mind in and ego tries to direct the game again. Wondering about the future makes us want to control it. To live in the present means to not resist life’s experiences, even the painful ones. The wisdom behind most spiritual practices is to see pain as a teacher of letting go. Whether it is the pain of sitting in meditation, of constant thinking or of emotional upheaval, the realization that these pains disappear in an awakened state of consciousness is a perfect training ground for daily life.
As we develop this simple awareness of the present moment and the willingness to experience life without the veil of mind, our fears evaporate. We go from the realm of ego to the realm of being, we surrender to the music and we become the dance. Life happens.
Sophie Rose is a spiritual counselor and the author of The Way of The Heart, Teachings of Jeshua and Mary Magdalene, 2012 National Indie Excellence Award Finalist. She is a contributing author of The Sacred Shift, Co-Creating your Future. Sophie is not aligned with any particular religion or tradition and has always favored a direct experience of spirituality.
Quoted from - https://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/life-is-what-happens-to-you-while-youre-busy-making-other-plans/
(https://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/life-is-what-happens-to-you-while-youre-busy-making-other-plans/)
Why would they be happy they never lived there dreams?
Because dreams are things which you believe will make you happy. but living life and the little things that you least expect make you happy...
My Nan... she had big dreams of what she wanted in life but her life changed and she met the man of her dreams had 7 children in 8 years... lived her life to the full and life basically did a U-turn to her dreams BUT did she regret her life? .... absolutely not. Did she still have the dreams?..... yes of course she did. Was she happy in life? - Absolutely in the end she wouldn't change her life and how she didn't follow her dreams.
If she had put loads of pressure on herself to follow those dreams then the rest of her life wouldn't have happened, all the love and happiness, the laughs...... She didn't let her dreams overtake her life to the cost of actually living her life and being happy.
Are you happy at the minute? while you are pursuing your dreams??? nope, I thought not.... you have to live your life while you pursue your dreams... and if things change then so be it..no one is saying you can't have dreams in life but there is no point being miserable trying to make your plans happen.... Just think of all of the amazing things that you are missing out on because you are too concentrated on what you think you want out of life....
Life is too short to not make the most of every minute
There is no "next stage" after marriage or anything else - there is only living life rather than life living in your head. This is what you have to understand and accept or life will pass you by and you will always feel unfulfilled no matter what you do.
I have become very organised maybe with my ocd I plan stuff out. Fact is life is like a sand timer it runs out eventually.
I mean it was never in my original plan to travel. I would have had a family by now perhaps I would be driving. I would also have a higher up job like a manager.
Am I happy yes I am doing quite well but it’s a greed I want more and more. Once I get one thing I want the next. I mean I would hate to win the lottery and not appetite money I enjoy managing on a small budget.
Course I see other people with a family settled I mean am I jealous? No I just wish I could stay forever young and keep on enjoying and having a bash. I mean I could do that but I don’t aspire to be a parent or grand parent it leaves me numb. Old age isn’t much fun either. Perhaps some people have seen Scottish comedy still game? If I was still having that good a time when I am older then great?
There is a social pressure to drive and have a family it’s hard not to bow to it. I have a friend I use to look upto she had a nice flat before I moved out I wanted my life like hers but she has a family now doesn’t go very far goes local holidays and I think no I would rather follow a different path. For me the idea of having a family seemed great when I was 18 but being 30 now knowing I am enjoying life doing what I do holidaying going to concerts it really doesn’t appeal to me. Maybe that’s not great I mean nobody shouts about how they are happy they chose not to have a family but some people don’t and they don’t seem to really mind?
If you can't handle bodily fluids, how could you cope with parenthood?
It's a serious question; I'll freely admit I don't want kids because the stickiness of them gives me the horrors.
If you can't handle bodily fluids, how could you cope with parenthood?
It's a serious question; I'll freely admit I don't want kids because the stickiness of them gives me the horrors.
Well that’s true I am not sure really.
Was it a hard choice not to have any? Will you change your mind?
Not a hard choice in the least, no - I don't enjoy being around babies and toddlers, plus I don't think it'd be fair to the kid or myself, not when they're such a source of anxiety even to people who don't already have mental health issues.
I went through a brief period of extreme broodiness when I was about your age, and it confused and frightened me.
I'm 42 now, and no regrets whatsoever. I've got a couple of cats who keep me on my toes, and my husband and I are looking into adopting a dog eventually. That's enough for us.
.....Phil..... surely you and your wife already have some understanding about both of your views on having children?
I recall in the past that you planned to have them, but had decided that 'they would go away with your wife somewhere else until they were older', or something along those lines.
I'm pretty sure Phil believes that only his opinion counts as nobody else exists outside his direct consciousness.
Might be hard practising "parenting" with that mindset? Would give "Supernanny" a run for her money though if that programme still exists?
Brother... based on your OCD about toilet germs and replacing bins and such, you wouldn't be able to afford children based on the mess they make! :roflmao:
When my son was a baby, he hated wearing his diaper. There was a few instances where we woke up to find he had taken off his diaper and painted the walls brown if you know what I mean :whistles: If you really want to start a family, you're going to have to take on the advice so many here and on other forums have told you.
Positive thoughts
Brother... based on your OCD about toilet germs and replacing bins and such, you wouldn't be able to afford children based on the mess they make! :roflmao:
So true! They draw on walls, break things, spread 'germs' far and wide, touch everything they aren't meant to, wee and poo in odd places sometimes....or was that just mine? or am I thinking of the dogs ?
Midnight-mouse
20-07-19, 20:22
If you can't handle bodily fluids, how could you cope with parenthood?
It's a serious question; I'll freely admit I don't want kids because the stickiness of them gives me the horrors.
One of the many reasons I’m not having kids too! Mr Midnight had a vasectomy at the beginning of the year to ensure this is not something that can happen.
Phil, There are plenty of childfree (by choice) communities where not having children is celebrated, I’m 25 and no I will not change my mind. I also can’t drive, it’s okay to have and enjoy lives that are different to others. For the most part I absolutely adore my life, and am working hard on improving my illnesses so I can enjoy it all much more.
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I think it's great to enjoy a "different" life and not be a "sheep" by conforming with what is supposedly socially acceptable.
Thanks it’s interesting to hear different views. I spoke to my partner about it tonight she said it was her dream to have a family but often speaks about how she has a niece so it’s fine. She says prob not right time to have a family I think as we are enjoying things as they are?
I just expected a switch in the brain once I was married I would want to fly, drive and have a family? Sadly it’s not been like that. I mean I can still get to Paris by train so it’s not all about flying just I have dreams of NYC.
So essentially SSDD/Y :wacko:
Positive thoughts
So essentially SSDD/Y :wacko:
Positive thoughts
What does that mean?
venusbluejeans
20-07-19, 23:05
I spoke to my partner about it tonight she said it was her dream to have a family but often speaks about how she has a niece so it’s fine.
So you think it is ok for your wife to give up on her dreams...... but you are insistant that you have to pursue yours?? what is the difference?
I am curious as to why you never refer to you wife as your wife and always your partner.... to me a partner is when you aren't married and then it turns to wife/husband/spouse etc...
So you think it is ok for your wife to give up on her dreams...... but you are insistant that you have to pursue yours?? what is the difference?
I am curious as to why you never refer to you wife as your wife and always your partner.... to me a partner is when you aren't married and then it turns to wife/husband/spouse etc...
Well I told told her I was open to having a family if need be. But as I say I am not sure how much she really wants one.
And im not sure I have only been married a few weeks.
What does that mean?
SSDD/Y
Same Shit Different Day/Year. You've been posting here going on 14 years. 14 YEARS! Nothing has changed. Frankly, I truly believe I'll be buried and forgotten and you'll still be posting the same nonsense.
Positive thoughts
SSDD/Y
Same shit Different Day/Year. You've been posting here going on 14 years. 14 YEARS! Nothing has changed. Frankly, I truly believe I'll be buried and forgotten and you'll still be posting the same nonsense.
Positive thoughts
Well it’s not nonsense in 14 years I’ve gone from changing jobs 4/5 times a year living with parents two failed relationships to 9 years in on job, buying a house and marriage so I would say I have done ok.
in 14 years I’ve gone from changing jobs 4/5 times a year living with parents two failed relationships to 9 years in on job, buying a house and marriage so I would say I have done ok.
Whatever helps you rationalize Phil... This fits the pattern I posted about in another thread. When you feel challenged, you post a conciliatory reply to keep the reassurance coming. If you're truly are doing "Ok", why are you posting the same things on several forums?
Positive thoughts
Whatever helps you rationalize Phil... This fits the pattern I posted about in another thread. When you feel challenged, you post a conciliatory reply to keep the reassurance coming. If you're truly are doing "Ok", why are you posting the same things on several forums?
Positive thoughts
You can be rich and doing great like many celebs but suffer ocd or anxiety so it depends what you mean doing well. Mental health is kind of separate from day to day life.
You can be rich and doing great like many celebs but suffer ocd or anxiety so it depends what you mean doing well. Mental health is kind of separate from day to day life.
When it affects your day to day life to the point you post on several social media anxiety/mental health platforms about it, it's not separate.
Positive thoughts
MyNameIsTerry
21-07-19, 01:40
So true! They draw on walls, break things, spread 'germs' far and wide, touch everything they aren't meant to, wee and poo in odd places sometimes....or was that just mine? or am I thinking of the dogs ?
Sounds like a few places I've worked...and yes, the women said the women were even worse :ohmy: (it does make you think twice about copping off at the office party :roflmao:)
MyNameIsTerry
21-07-19, 01:44
Well it’s not nonsense in 14 years I’ve gone from changing jobs 4/5 times a year living with parents two failed relationships to 9 years in on job, buying a house and marriage so I would say I have done ok.
All things people with anxiety can find very hard so we should be saying this is good. Many put it all off because of anxiety.
You have lots to sort out with your mental health but we should be positive about the achievements...or else it's just encouraging a negative mindset.
MyNameIsTerry
21-07-19, 01:45
You can be rich and doing great like many celebs but suffer ocd or anxiety so it depends what you mean doing well. Mental health is kind of separate from day to day life.
That's makes you lucky in anxiety then phil. Mental health has been my everyday since it happened. It attached itself to everything whether work, play, relationships, sex, going out, logging into a forum like this or switching a phone on, eating or sleeping, etc.
That's makes you lucky in anxiety then phil. Mental health has been my everyday since it happened. It attached itself to everything whether work, play, relationships, sex, going out, logging into a forum like this or switching a phone on, eating or sleeping, etc.
Same here, Terry, my anxiety and depression stick their nasty little fingers into every single aspect of my life.
Well I told told her I was open to having a family if need be. But as I say I am not sure how much she really wants one.
And im not sure I have only been married a few weeks.
Having children is a huge decision and commitment to make though. It's not just a question of having a family "if need be" like an accessory to acquire to keep up with everyone else.
Sounds like a few places I've worked...and yes, the women said the women were even worse :ohmy: (it does make you think twice about copping off at the office party :roflmao:)
Ey what ? I'm talking about toddlers that decide to wee or poo in odd places, have people at your work done that ????? :wacko:
MyNameIsTerry
21-07-19, 16:16
Ey what ? I'm talking about toddlers that decide to wee or poo in odd places, have people at your work done that ????? :wacko:Yes, we used to feel very sorry for the cleaners. One woman once told me she slipped on one in the middle of the floor outside the cubicles :emot-puke:
My goal with therapy is offcourse to improve the ocd but I also want to see if I can reach my goals like flying or learning to drive. She spoke a lot about comfort zones.
She said there is times my ocd is dormant that’s perhaps the best I can hope for? I find it hard to believe I can ever fully recover. I have been battling this for months and years now and just feel I am always going to be battling? I worry I need to stay in my comfort zone to avoid the ocd becoming any greater.
So so will I ever reach my goals? Do I even want these goals? Do I even have free will or is life all a dream mapped out? With so much going on how can I be sure what I really want?
My therapist thinks it’s realistic to have goals go to America and learn to drive but is it realistic? Should I stay in my comfort zone?
I have achieved lots how realistic is it to keep achieving? Is exploring Europe enough when there is lots to see in America?
My therapist thinks it’s realistic to have goals go to America and learn to drive but is it realistic? Should I stay in my comfort zone?
I have achieved lots how realistic is it to keep achieving? Is exploring Europe enough when there is lots to see in America?
Those are questions only you can answer.
Positive thoughts
I am struggling with the thoughts still. I have thoughts so I avoid touching stuff around the house this is a real problem. I worry my hands touched the bin even if I never and I worry some items are dirty. I do resist it and touch stuff but still don’t touch everything.
Back to the Cbt side of things I am unsure if I can reach my goals of driving or flying. For me New York seems too much for me right now. I just can’t see myself as a regular flyer especially long haul. My therapist thinks I can reach my goals but I just don’t know if I can?
If you don't think you can, then you won't!
But if you have positive thoughts that you can achieve these things, then it's more likely you will.
Maybe it's a case of trying to do too much all at once. :shrug:
If you don't think you can, then you won't!
But if you have positive thoughts that you can achieve these things, then it's more likely you will.
Maybe it's a case of trying to do too much all at once. :shrug:
True I feel so much pressure. The driving thing was a decade ago I did lessons so I have done it but it’s hard to go back.
Perhaps I don’t need all these targets I remember a time I would just look forward to going to the cinema past few years it’s been all big goals.
Dying_Swan
24-07-19, 20:34
Hi Phil.
I think your therapist is right that it's realistic to achieve your goals of going to America and learning to drive, in the long term. I would say start smaller though, or it might not feel realistic. For example, try flying to Europe rather than going by train. New York is around a 7 hour flight I think (inbound usually shorter), so a medium haul I guess. If you are comfortable flying shorter journeys first, you'll feel more confident on a slightly longer one.
I think it's worth NOT staying in your comfort zone, and trying to extend it little by little. Anxiety disorders can make our comfort zones smaller and smaller, and they don't get bigger on their own. Stick at your CBT and work at it. The sessions themselves can't and won't cure your anxiety, but will give you the tools you need. It's then up to you to use them to move forward.
I'd say going back to driving lessons would be a more practical goal but you would need to find the right instructor.
I agree I should be going for goals but my frame of mind right now is I can’t face these goals. It kind of sucks I feel this way I hate previously flew, I have done driving lessons. In my mind I could manage a short flight to Dublin but I am unsure if it will be weeks or years before I do it
Why does it matter? Because you need a definite "time plan"?
Why does it matter? Because you need a definite "time plan"?
I don’t think I need a time plan my fear is not doing it atall. Maybe there will be better times I feel more upto it? I just feel very guilty and depressed I can’t do these goals today? You might wonder why well if I go to New York I want to go to Chicago and so on the more I do the more I want
Dying_Swan
25-07-19, 20:14
the more I do the more I want
Which is a good thing! So start smaller, more realistic, more achievable. Do the flight to Dublin. If that goes ok, try e.g Spain (2 hours), then Greece (4 hours), then eastern US. This is just an example, and of course there's nothing stopping you jumping straight on a flight to NY if that's what you want to do. It's only that breaking it down into smaller steps can make it easier to tackle. I hate flying too, but it's never as bad as I imagine, and I'm always pleased when I've done it. It would probably give your confidence a boost, even if it's just a short flight.
Learning to drive is also totally achievable, but you have to start somewhere. Why not book one lesson and see how it goes? You'll only do these things if you commit to doing them. It doesn't have to be immediate, but start somewhere. Maybe decide whether driving or flying is more important to you at the moment and focus on whichever you choose.
I don’t think I need a time plan my fear is not doing it atall. Maybe there will be better times I feel more upto it? I just feel very guilty and depressed I can’t do these goals today? You might wonder why well if I go to New York I want to go to Chicago and so on the more I do the more I want
We can't all have things instantly and would it be the end of the world (pardon the pun) if you didn't ever fly to NY?It wouldn't make you an "inferior" person if you didn't go
My partner doesn’t have such goals like driving or flying. She is going a family holiday next year by plane without me but i went on many holidays down south for years she seemed to like that. I had become obsessed with big life goals past few years I have been unable to enjoy simple things like the cinema.
But yes my partner doesn’t wanna move home, change jobs or drive right now so perhaps not everybody has life goals? Thing is I don’t know if it’s maybe human nature but anytime I mention goals people say go for it? Very few give me no reasons to do so.
I mean i want goals but I have to be realistic I am more a homebody type for years I stayed in growing up. I use to get panic attacks just by going to the cinema which was partly why things ended with one of my ex’s. So the good news is I am not at that stage anymore at one point I couldn’t hold a job down. People mention doing things too fast? That’s possibly true.
But i have to be realistic for me to fully travel the world would be surprising given my upbringing and how I use to be. Driving almost caused a breakdown so I believe it could be a real challenge to go back to it. Flying as I say I take a notion for it now I get the train to Europe that notion is less I was flying and training it in 2018 though. I really love Ireland though I have bigger fears of ferries than planes so it’s a real challenge to go there never mind NYC. CBT probably won’t help me overcome the fear. I mean if I could get a train to Ireland perhaps I’d visit every year but the idea of getting a flight every year guaranteed would be hard for me.
Again the good news is I can still go holidays by train I can still see nice places however seeing Europe gives me desires to see every country it’s quite addictive but sadly i am not adventurous nor am I a celeb who goes round the world so I mean how realistic is this?
I use to visit this city regularly however since 2017 I avoided it unless I am changing trains. Anybody any tips to survive London? My issue is similar to my fear of flying it’s a mental block or wall and I just don’t want to do it is it possible to reprogram the brain and have less anxiety?
nomorepanic
26-07-19, 23:50
Why do you want to visit London or feel you have to?
nomorepanic
26-07-19, 23:52
Why aren't you going with her - you are married now and surely that means doing things together?
Dying_Swan
26-07-19, 23:55
And what stops you visiting London? What is it you're anxious about?
And what stops you visiting London? What is it you're anxious about?
Its not a safe place crime is very high
Why do you want to visit London or feel you have to?
I use to visit it every year I enjoy the busyness but few years I have avoided it
Why aren't you going with her - you are married now and surely that means doing things together?
Its a beach holiday which is my worst nightmare. It’s best she goes and and doesn’t miss out.
Dying_Swan
27-07-19, 00:04
There is a lot in the media at the moment about crime in London, which I'm sure scares people, but I think a lot of it is gang-related. I feel as safe there as I do anywhere. Things do happen but they happen everywhere. Remember that quite literally millions of people live, work and visit London on a daily basis.
There is a lot in the media at the moment about crime in London, which I'm sure scares people, but I think a lot of it is gang-related. I feel as safe there as I do anywhere. Things do happen but they happen everywhere. Remember that quite literally millions of people live, work and visit London on a daily basis.
Yes I mean there is a small town near me which has a lot of crime too I stayed there for a bit but that also makes me anxious. I use to travel freely about London with no care but now I feel limited.
venusbluejeans
27-07-19, 00:57
This is just a courtesy reply to let you know that your thread was merged with another of your threads.
Please when posting on similar topics add it onto your previous post rather than starting a new one.
It is nothing personal it is just to make it easier for people to follow your story and to give you advice as a whole.
Emmz
MyNameIsTerry
27-07-19, 01:44
Crime in London is worse in...wait for it...shitty areas of London. The media love it as it sells yet they won't tell you about all the stabbings elsewhere across the UK.
There is a lot in the media at the moment about crime in London, which I'm sure scares people, but I think a lot of it is gang-related.
Oddly I said exactly this to a person I visited yesterday, practically my exact words - she was bemoaning 'all the danger and stabbings' on every street corner.
We've had multiple stabbings on my road this year (not in London!), with at least one being fatal. I can confirm that the vast, vast majority of this sort of thing is gang related. My heart goes out to the poor kids involved, but beyond normal safety considerations I'm never that worried about living where I do.
I think you should plan a train trip to London. Just 4 hours from Edinburgh and cheap if you get Advance train tickets. As for crime, it can happen anywhere and London has a prominent police presence. Nothing has changed since you last visited and if you enjoyed it before you will enjoy it now.
Eurostar trains are all up the creak at the moment with the hot weather and then there will be all the Brexit nonsense come Oct 31st..London is a different country without the need for a passport!
I just need to add that you don’t have to go on holiday with your partner if you don’t want to. I don’t always go with mine, I often go with my sister. I don’t really see a problem.
With regards to London, it depends where you’re going to stay? The touristy places are fine really, much like the rest of the world. Tourism is big business. It’s the areas that aren’t rich with money and tourists that are the problem areas.
I just need to add that you don’t have to go on holiday with your partner if you don’t want to. I don’t always go with mine, I often go with my sister. I don’t really see a problem.
With regards to London, it depends where you’re going to stay? The touristy places are fine really, much like the rest of the world. Tourism is big business. It’s the areas that aren’t rich with money and tourists that are the problem areas.
True but I always use stay on the outskirts like Ealing, barking and Wembley these areas probably ain’t as good. It’s more expensive to stay central
Phil, the thing is about London is its built up with many shady areas and covered areas if it gets hot. Now the heatwave has passed, it won't be so suppressive anyway.
I know Ealing and Wembley very well and have a little knowledge of Barking as my Gran lived there.
I wouldn't opt for Wembley myself.
Out of the three, Ealing is the better choice but can be a bit full on and busy with traffic.
Some other places you could investigate would be Chiswick and Uxbridge,which are both known as better areas. Uxbridge would probably be my recommendation. The shopping town is blocked off from the main traffic, lots of cafes and nice people there.
I come from London and have always felt safe. I actually feel less safe in the wilds. There's always someone around and always something open.
If you venture in to central London for the day, Covent Garden is always a good choice or if you want something a less hectic, maybe Richmond or Kew where you have the park to relax and keep cool.
What sort of things do you enjoy doing in London, Phil?
That's a good point Pulisa, then Phil can decide what would be the best place to stay.
You could always come South Phil? I’m south east and it’s only a 20 minute train into town.
But yes, what do you want to do and see in London?
Being honest I have seen all that’s touristy In London from The shard to the London eye to the museums. There is nothing I want to see perhaps just the curiosity of walking round the touristy bits again?
MyNameIsTerry
27-07-19, 19:01
Not even to see Boris crowned? :biggrin: Go watch a show? Shopping and mooching around those areas is good. Any exhibitions on at the museums?
The parks are glorious, too.
When I was doing my MA at UCL, I used to bunk off management lectures to go to the aquarium or the zoo.
If you've seen it all before Phil and there's nothing you really want to see but mooch, why go? Is it just another challenge for you or a replacement for your New York trip?
If you've seen it all before Phil and there's nothing you really want to see but mooch, why go? Is it just another challenge for you or a replacement for your New York trip?
No nothing would replace my New York idea. I should mention I do visit London when I go aboard but only stay at Kings cross. My compulsion has been to avoid it for past two years now. I refuse to go into central London.
At the the moment I am battling my demons to try and manage a flight to Dublin. I have done it before however it would be an achievement just to do a short fight NYC will be difficult. I had a bigger fear of boats to the food to the sea sickness. Train is more my comfort zone.
Serious question.... What can people here or on the other forums you post on do? These are all personal life decisions. Yes, you suffer from anxiety, OCD and a complicated menagerie of mental illnesses that have plagued you for more than half your life. That said, what can internet forums offer you other than opinions and ultimately, what have they done thus far to address your illness? Ultimately, its up to YOU! YOU decide how to address your issues. YOU decide where you go and how you get there. YOU decide for yourself your own life decisions.
You've gotten pages of advice and yet nothing changes:shrug: So again.... What can posting on forums do to push you forward when the decision is totally up to YOU?
Positive thoughts
So I have been feeling this pressure daily now since getting married. I had friends ask when I’m having a family.
Its all very pressuring. Self pressuring almost I mean it’s always when are you having a family I wish I was like some strong witted people who could be like yeah I’m not having a family and be totally at peace and cool with that idea? Sadly any of these choices including driving give me extreme guilt and make me feel awful.
I have been searching for the next big event in my life actually I applied for 11 jobs now and asked for a transfer to another store. I seem to find it hard to be content. I feel I work too much despite having three days off I try and say well others work 5 days but still. Some people are on benefits and don’t work atall they can enjoy life wake up no worries every day? At the same time changing jobs triggered more Solipsism and free will questions and I wondered if I have the will to change stuff?
All very complicated would be easy if I could just be happy and laid back? Does it come with age?
For goodness' sake, Phil, don't try your luck with the benefits system. It's harsh, it's humiliating and if you're anything like me you'll spend your entire life in mortal dread of the next appointment.
For goodness' sake, Phil, don't try your luck with the benefits system. It's harsh, it's humiliating and if you're anything like me you'll spend your entire life in mortal dread of the next appointment.
Yes but when you think you can have a family of six and get two grand benefits it makes you wonder why I work earn less?
Very, very few families do this. I've been on the dole and it was miserable, the advisors hound you and really put the pressure on. I live in utter dread of ever being in that position again.
Very, very few families do this. I've been on the dole and it was miserable, the advisors hound you and really put the pressure on. I live in utter dread of ever being in that position again.
Yes I mean I remember being on the dole for six months it was very depressing. That said I would like a break I was going to ask my work about unpaid leave? I just wish I had more time off
Yes I mean I remember being on the dole for six months it was very depressing. That said I would like a break I was going to ask my work about unpaid leave? I just wish I had more time off
Try this Phil. You typically end many of your posts and sentences with a "?". End them with a "." instead and make them a statement as opposed to a reassurance seeking question. It's a small thing but the meaning speaks volumes.
Serious question.... What can people here or on the other forums you post on do? These are all personal life decisions. Yes, you suffer from anxiety, OCD and a complicated menagerie of mental illnesses that have plagued you for more than half your life. That said, what can internet forums offer you other than opinions and ultimately, what have they done thus far to address your illness? Ultimately, its up to YOU! YOU decide how to address your issues. YOU decide where you go and how you get there. YOU decide for yourself your own life decisions.
You've gotten pages of advice and yet nothing changes:shrug: So again.... What can posting on forums do to push you forward when the decision is totally up to YOU?
Positive thoughts
Midnight-mouse
25-08-19, 21:40
Some people are on benefits and don’t work atall they can enjoy life wake up no worries every day?
I guess I would be one of those people, it’s absolute hell. Every time a letter comes through the front door I have to fear another assessment, another time I have to sit and justify my illnesses, scared out of my mind that they don’t believe me or that any progress I make can make me seem ‘not sick enough’ and poof! My only way of supporting myself and my husband is gone. Any time they can decide I’m ‘fit for work’ the same institution that nearly resulted in me ending my life. The reason I claim in the first place.
I apologise if this is out of line but being on benefits and having most of the country consider me to be lazy or faking for an easy life, this struck a cord with me.
I want nothing more than to support myself, but I have to do what’s best for my health. Be thankful of the position you’re in even if you don’t like it. I’m grateful each day that there’s benefits available to me, but I hate every minute of it. It’s not just wake up and enjoy the day.
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I guess I would be one of those people, it’s absolute hell. Every time a letter comes through the front door I have to fear another assessment, another time I have to sit and justify my illnesses, scared out of my mind that they don’t believe me or that any progress I make can make me seem ‘not sick enough’ and poof! My only way of supporting myself and my husband is gone. Any time they can decide I’m ‘fit for work’ the same institution that nearly resulted in me ending my life. The reason I claim in the first place.
I apologise if this is out of line but being on benefits and having most of the country consider me to be lazy or faking for an easy life, this struck a cord with me.
I want nothing more than to support myself, but I have to do what’s best for my health. Be thankful of the position you’re in even if you don’t like it. I’m grateful each day that there’s benefits available to me, but I hate every minute of it. It’s not just wake up and enjoy the day.
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Yes I can sympathise with this but maybe I should be glad I can work but I have been 8 years in my job and I wish I could get a break the idea of waiting to retirement age seems seems awful
MyNameIsTerry
26-08-19, 02:33
Very, very few families do this. I've been on the dole and it was miserable, the advisors hound you and really put the pressure on. I live in utter dread of ever being in that position again.
Yes, it's very different now. When I was in my early twenties and had the odd period between work due to changes you could stroll in every two weeks and no one cared. The advisers looked depressed as hell and didn't care. Then the government started kicking their arses and it all went the completely opposite way into being hounded and sanctioned for nothing. There is a very good reason we never want to see the police on performance related pay!
I had a cousin who worked for the Job Centre back then who left because of all of this after many years working there. And one of the guys from the charity walk-ins I went to was actively looking for work and they wanted him to travel over a hour by train to a different city knowing he would have no money to pay his bills.
It may sound easy but the reality is far from it for most. Kids grant kid gloves and more benefits for the simple reason they want to protect the kids. For the rest you can expect to be hounded and expected to be proving daily multiple job searches or face sanctioning.
And then we have the mess that is ESA.
How will you cope with that pressure, phil? Some people have killed themselves over this.
MyNameIsTerry
26-08-19, 02:36
Yes I can sympathise with this but maybe I should be glad I can work but I have been 8 years in my job and I wish I could get a break the idea of waiting to retirement age seems seems awful
All that means is you feel unfulfilled and need to look for another job. Many people have to accept work is about money to do other things in their life. Previous generations had less choice in any of this and a job was all about paying bills. They didn't have all our opportunities to change career, you went down the pit at 15 and you stayed there.
All that means is you feel unfulfilled and need to look for another job. Many people have to accept work is about money to do other things in their life. Previous generations had less choice in any of this and a job was all about paying bills. They didn't have all our opportunities to change career, you went down the pit at 15 and you stayed there.
Wow yes I mean I know people go to college but not so much in your 30’s. There is lots of opportunity’s and i agree. But I always say a job is different from a career. Any service industry jobs won’t be very fulfilling and I have never really had an idea about what I want to do other than maybe my own business but I have no idea what I would do and if I did it would take money to start up. My job pays the bills but I don’t have the luxury of being full time and being able to treat people I only have money to get by which is also why I stopped CBT. When I stayed with parents a low wage made you feel rich as there was no bills to pay.
But yeah any life decisions now are hard as I went down the Solipsism rabbit hole. I wish I never googled all these ideas as now this free will and Solipsism make me feel lazy and care less basically as I can’t confirm life is genuine. It’s like my life up till now was genuine but anything beyond could be false now I know the “truth” as my ocd says?
MyNameIsTerry
26-08-19, 03:03
Wow yes I mean I know people go to college but not so much in your 30’s. There is lots of opportunity’s and i agree. But I always say a job is different from a career. Any service industry jobs won’t be very fulfilling and I have never really had an idea about what I want to do other than maybe my own business but I have no idea what I would do and if I did it would take money to start up. My job pays the bills but I don’t have the luxury of being full time and being able to treat people I only have money to get by which is also why I stopped CBT. When I stayed with parents a low wage made you feel rich as there was no bills to pay.
But yeah any life decisions now are hard as I went down the Solipsism rabbit hole. I wish I never googled all these ideas as now this free will and Solipsism make me feel lazy and care less basically as I can’t confirm life is genuine. It’s like my life up till now was genuine but anything beyond could be false now I know the “truth” as my ocd says?
Yes, it's just part of how life works in that most people in their thirties are more settled or working towards certain things. Less will go into education simply because they have a different path anyway. Education is still open but many will be looked more towards career specific stuff to advance what they are currently doing as opposed to a fresh change. But you can do it, if you have the cash, a barrier to many.
I agree that a job is different. Some jobs can be made into careers though as you may advance up the ranks into management or side ways into a specialism. Many jobs are just bill payers and they are boring but you have to come to terms with that or it will only get you down. It's always risible when you apply for a shelf stacking job and get asked in the interview why you want to work for that company. Everyone asking the question knows it's just as stupid.
MyNameIsTerry
26-08-19, 03:21
I guess I would be one of those people, it’s absolute hell. Every time a letter comes through the front door I have to fear another assessment, another time I have to sit and justify my illnesses, scared out of my mind that they don’t believe me or that any progress I make can make me seem ‘not sick enough’ and poof! My only way of supporting myself and my husband is gone. Any time they can decide I’m ‘fit for work’ the same institution that nearly resulted in me ending my life. The reason I claim in the first place.
I apologise if this is out of line but being on benefits and having most of the country consider me to be lazy or faking for an easy life, this struck a cord with me.
I want nothing more than to support myself, but I have to do what’s best for my health. Be thankful of the position you’re in even if you don’t like it. I’m grateful each day that there’s benefits available to me, but I hate every minute of it. It’s not just wake up and enjoy the day.
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Sorry to hear this Mousey :flowers:
And as you will know it's a rabbit hole of it's own. It sucks you in. You do less because you have less and start retreating if you have mental health issues (and many do even though they don't or even develop them through the lack of esteem, routine and self worth).
Some seem at piece with not giving a toss about work but most see work as part of life and these people tend to feel shame for even claiming benefits. Then there is the media demonisation and political nonsense on top that feeds it all. But I know my dad's generation (in his seventies) found unemployment had a major stigma too and if you weren't working you weren't a man back then.
Sadly the bad apples always tarnish all the good ones. Anyone can find themselves in a situation like this due to the unexpected life throws at us. It's the reason I don't walk past a homeless person and judge them because I don't know if that will be me at some point.
Wow yes I mean I know people go to college but not so much in your 30’s. There is lots of opportunity’s and i agree. But I always say a job is different from a career. Any service industry jobs won’t be very fulfilling and I have never really had an idea about what I want to do other than maybe my own business but I have no idea what I would do and if I did it would take money to start up. My job pays the bills but I don’t have the luxury of being full time and being able to treat people I only have money to get by which is also why I stopped CBT. When I stayed with parents a low wage made you feel rich as there was no bills to pay.
But yeah any life decisions now are hard as I went down the Solipsism rabbit hole. I wish I never googled all these ideas as now this free will and Solipsism make me feel lazy and care less basically as I can’t confirm life is genuine. It’s like my life up till now was genuine but anything beyond could be false now I know the “truth” as my ocd says?
As somebody who's spent the past week doing enrolments at a college, respectfully, that's horsecrap. We see so many people in their thirties, and a decent amount in their 40s and 50s or even beyond. Often, they're taking an Access course so they can get into university and find themselves more fulfilling work.
So yes I hope to save for New York still despite my fear of flying my thinking is if I have the money there I may some how go?
So yes I hope to save for New York still despite my fear of flying my thinking is if I have the money there I may some how go.
Now it can be a goal as opposed to a "what if?"
Positive thoughts
I have also been thinking of learning to drive again but it makes me feel anxious. Should I let the anxiety win and not drive and fly? I find it hard like I beat some of my ocd worries but unsure if I can beat my other fears?
I have also been thinking of learning to drive again but it makes me feel anxious. I find it hard like I beat some of my ocd worries but unsure if I can beat my other fears. If I don't learn to drive or overcome my fear of flying then I let the anxiety win.
See the difference? And the real question is.... Are you going to let it win?
Positive thoughts
See the difference? And the real question is.... Are you going to let it win?
Positive thoughts
I feel I need to stay in my safety blanket so maybe it’s better to not do these things
I am unsure if I need to embrace that I just don’t like flying or if I should force myself to fly. The same issue with driving is it worth the money, time and stress doing it again after almost a decade?
Changing jobs too I can’t help that I am tired of the run down town I work in, I can’t help that I hate getting two buses to work now I moved house yes I worry my life is controlled but if perhaps I do get to move jobs closer to home again maybe I need to embrace these changes?
Oh my, I haven't looked in for weeks and it's still the same conversation, questions and answers. :ohmy:
Oh my, I haven't looked in for weeks and it's still the same conversation, questions and answers. :ohmy:
I have yet to find a solution
I have yet to find a solution
And that's just it. Ultimately, regardless of suggestions or advice, it's your decision. I recognize the indecision causes you anxiety but we really can't help you decide one way or the other :shrug:
All I can tell you from personal experience and not coming from a position of dealing with mental illness, is that the things we regret the most in life are the things we decide not to do because of fear. When we're faced with a decision to jump in the deep end, we know we can swim or at least get to the ladder and not drown. The worst thing that can happen is we get wet. Personally, I'd rather get wet and know that I tried (and I've gotten wet plenty of times) as opposed to wondering if I would have nailed the dive.
So as I said, ultimately, these are decisions you need to make for yourself and deal with the outcome one way or another. It serves no benefit to ask opinions unless your aim is to place blame if you fail.
Positive thoughts
You are correct I could regret not doing something I agree on that. That said pushing myself into an uncomfortable position is hard for me. Why? Well I have anxiety and I am sort of tolerant that I can only do so much as I have anxiety. I spoke to the therapist about how I feel safer just doing the odd flight and occasionally stepping out my comfort zone. That way I still get stuff done but can live in my safety blanket. I believe it keeps me safe. In terms of jobs I have applied for lots over the years and even had offers of jobs and not turned up. I like opening doors but don’t always like going through them. The Solipsism has made making choices more difficult due to the fear of not having control.
So what conclusion can I come to? Well I have lots of bright ideas but it seems I’m actually content just getting by doing what I do now. I have some big ideas but I am unsure if I really want them or it’s just an idea which may not turn out great. I mean my job suits I get same days off as my partner I fear upsetting the harmony of my life.
I wish I could make choices easier. Course I don’t want to regret stuff. But changing jobs could also be as big a regret as not changing jobs and being unhappy. It’s like a clock I am unsure which way to go.
You are correct I could regret not doing something I agree on that. That said pushing myself into an uncomfortable position is hard for me. Why? Well I have anxiety and I am sort of tolerant that I can only do so much as I have anxiety. I spoke to the therapist about how I feel safer just doing the odd flight and occasionally stepping out my comfort zone. That way I still get stuff done but can live in my safety blanket. I believe it keeps me safe. In terms of jobs I have applied for lots over the years and even had offers of jobs and not turned up. I like opening doors but don’t always like going through them. The Solipsism has made making choices more difficult due to the fear of not having control.
So what conclusion can I come to? Well I have lots of bright ideas but it seems I’m actually content just getting by doing what I do now. I have some big ideas but I am unsure if I really want them or it’s just an idea which may not turn out great. I mean my job suits I get same days off as my partner I fear upsetting the harmony of my life.
I wish I could make choices easier. Course I don’t want to regret stuff. But changing jobs could also be as big a regret as not changing jobs and being unhappy. It’s like a clock I am unsure which way to go.
Thank you for the reply to my post. I see you put some thought into it. Look Phil.... you obviously deal with some issues. Being "content" is actually a huge positive in life even in light of foregoing certain dreams and aspirations. The bottom line is you have to do what you have to do to live your life in the most productive and satisfying way you can under the circumstances. Again, ultimately, nothing said here can influence you one way or the other. You have to do and will do what's best for you.
Positive thoughts
There's far too much choice with everything these days.
If you are content and have harmony in your life why unsettle yourself needlessly? You need to feel in control of your life but none of us can ever have total control and this is where the living with uncertainty causes you so much anxiety. I think you torture yourself with reading about solipsism but feel compelled to research it because it scares you yet you can't stop? Personally I think it's a load of rubbish and just something designed to scare vulnerable people.
I think you overwhelm yourself with "goals" but basically want things to stay as they are with a few changes which you are able to control at your own pace? Maybe settling for a bit of normality may lessen your anxiety and consequently make your OCD a bit less intrusive too?
There's far too much choice with everything these days.
If you are content and have harmony in your life why unsettle yourself needlessly? You need to feel in control of your life but none of us can ever have total control and this is where the living with uncertainty causes you so much anxiety. I think you torture yourself with reading about solipsism but feel compelled to research it because it scares you yet you can't stop? Personally I think it's a load of rubbish and just something designed to scare vulnerable people.
I think you overwhelm yourself with "goals" but basically want things to stay as they are with a few changes which you are able to control at your own pace? Maybe settling for a bit of normality may lessen your anxiety and consequently make your OCD a bit less intrusive too?
Yes you are correct. I gave it alot of thought today over a decade ago with my ex I was begging for some continuity and normality I was changing jobs I couldn’t hold down a job my ex had goals my goal was just to go to the cinema without a panic attack. I’m glad I got over this but I regret how I was back then and I mould my life round what went wrong after the ex I was determined to go to college which I did and learn to drive I did but I failed with both of these so instead found my new partner and managed to hold down a new job. I am grateful for this. I try and think to myself people could be envious of me and think I have a great life as people at work often comment as they see how I go away to France or Germany every few months.
But yes since the wedding I have been fixated on the next big thing and even if I did do everything possible you can’t get married or learn to drive forever. I look at my brother he is content in his job and he doesn’t have goals. Course naturally when I say I have goals people say go for it.
Reality is i I have anxiety so have to manage it. Perhaps I could some now find smaller goals to set?
Thank you for the reply to my post. I see you put some thought into it. Look Phil.... you obviously deal with some issues. Being "content" is actually a huge positive in life even in light of foregoing certain dreams and aspirations. The bottom line is you have to do what you have to do to live your life in the most productive and satisfying way you can under the circumstances. Again, ultimately, nothing said here can influence you one way or the other. You have to do and will do what's best for you.
Positive thoughts
Thanks and yes I am working very hard to try and be content as often I can be too greedy and want too much so I have to be realistic.
MyNameIsTerry
30-08-19, 02:28
Personally I think it's a load of rubbish and just something designed to scare vulnerable people.
It's up there with flat earth for me. And like Scientology and all the rest they real in people with vulnerability in them.
It's as valid a theory as Pastafarianism which at least is a piss take.
It seems to have become a thing in OCD circles because it fits nicely into lack of control issue just as Schizophrenia often is a theme.
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