View Full Version : New Chapter
So....I've had alot of ups and downs lately. Both with mental health issues, health issues (my acne has caused ALOT of issues lately :mad:), personal issues etc.
So this summer I'll be 23 and I'm going to try to use this summer to really pick myself up and make myself the best me I can be.
I'm going to Germany for a week on Monday, I'll be making a new home for myself in Germany next Autumn. Which is huge, part of my anxiety had always been I needed to have someone around me. Someone I can lean on, nearly push my fears onto them- yet here I am moving to a new country by myself. Starting a new life by myself. It's scary, I've talked to my therapist about it and she said we can have phone appointments. She also said if I truly hate it and I can't cope, I can always come home again. It's better to go there and try then stay here and regret it forever.
Yet I have come better about health anxiety, I haven't googled in at least four months! I also have one tonsil way, way bigger and lump compared to the other. I took photo of it very day for ages obsessed with it. It was strangely lumpy and strange- looked horrible. Ask my gp about it the last time I was there a few months ago. Haven't thought about it since! Which is huge for me. It's prob because I had throat infections alot in my teens and it never went down again!
I also don't self check as often anymore- just once very month after a shower- sometimes it goes longer then a month if I'm in a good head space! Compared to the non-stop touching and poking I used to do.
I'm having issues now and I have so issues now and again- but I feel like I'm doing better! I hope I am, I'm trying. I lived in fear for so long and while I've had some issues it's never been what I feared. I've had so many tests, so many gp vist. I hope I get stronger and need even less appointments
I'm worried about making new friends, about my friends in Ireland forgetting about me in Ireland. I know even with my struggles I have friends here who love me very much, that will miss me- but my mental being love telling me otherwise. That it's also not a reason to stay here, that there's so many ways to keep in contact.
Health wise....I've had a down period lately. Lots of headaches (etc, etc). I've mainly come around from this, I still get some issues but I'm trying to push on with it all. So I've been dealing with that okay! But (NOW isn't that a great word to have here)- I've got a few small red dots in different places on both arms and on my legs and lots of itchy points- I haven't used any new body products or I wasn't anywhere to get bug bites. The red spots are small and I try my best not to itch. It's probably harmless and will pass as it only came on two nights ago and I noticed the spots yesterday. I put some cream on them and hope they clear up. There's always something :wacko:.
I've also struggled alot with sleeping lately....that's never fun but some lovely members here have been so helpful. I wish someday to sleep before 4 am again!
I'm going to keep everything here, all the health stuff, other life stuff. Hope it all goes onwards tho!
Kudos to you for having courage to start afresh in another country. As you say, you will miss friends and family but nothing is set in stone, and if you find you don't like it there or can't settle in, you can always return.
Life is about trying and taking the first steps to leave our comfort zone. The rest is immaterial and part of the journey.
Wishing you all the best. Keep us updated on progress ;)
You are young and free to do whatever you want so all credit to you for planning this new adventure and there's no reason to think that you won't have anything other than a whole new exciting life in Germany.
I hope you have a good trip out there next week.
Kudos to you for having courage to start afresh in another country. As you say, you will miss friends and family but nothing is set in stone, and if you find you don't like it there or can't settle in, you can always return.
Life is about trying and taking the first steps to leave our comfort zone. The rest is immaterial and part of the journey.
Wishing you all the best. Keep us updated on progress ;)
Thank you so much! I've got to remind myself at times that Germany isn't actually that far from Ireland! :roflmao:I swear sometimes it feels like it's on the other end of the world! I've done the trip a few times by myself to get things set up! The lead up to the flight is always the worst I find...I was never a good flyer! It's all about the steps towards a better future :)
Here's hoping that I have more good updates than bad ones! Both life isn't always just a up! There is some downs and that isn't a bad thing.
You are young and free to do whatever you want so all credit to you for planning this new adventure and there's no reason to think that you won't have anything other than a whole new exciting life in Germany.
I hope you have a good trip out there next week.
Thank you Pulsia :flowers:. I'm trying to make the best out of everything. Like tomorrow I have to fly to Amsterdam after that get a train. I've never done it that way but it's all going to be okay. I rather take the chance and eh if it doesn't work out- it doesn't work out and there's no shame in that but its all about taking the chance.
I'm trying to handle the health anxiety stuff better, that it's all been okay in the past. I've had lots of tests. I can do this, I can finally get over the HA I've just got to keep working on it and not dwell.
(Also Pulisa, I saw in another thread earlier you have your own struggles right now. Good luck on your tests and sending you lots of positive thoughts :hugs:)
I'm getting the 1.30 am bus to another county (Airports in Ireland are shocking.) It's a three hour ride, I'm ready getting my good friend anxiety! Pains in my left arm- probs muscle! Feeling heavy legged, just over off. We love bringing it with us where we go! I know I'll feel better when I land...just a few hours before that :scared15::roflmao:
Just landed back home! There was a huge stress of the flight would go or not and people acting rather drunk... Let's say they nearly got the flight to land in England instead of Ireland ������
I have to wait another two hours for a three hour bus home.
I'm still having alot of anixety at night--it seems to be the wrost time. Heart bumping, feeling weak, it's not fun but hopefully we'll move in again!
I still have the red bu ps on my arms but I don't think about them to much.
While I was away I got a very sudden pain in my thoart that hurt whenever I swallowed? I noticed a white spot/small area on my tonsil (which is always big?). I washed my mouth out with water and salt a few times (sometimes my Mam always had us do when we were little.) the pain meanwhile went, I got a small pain again after getting off my flight and I checked and the white spot is still there? While I was away I was dry thoart alot and had to keep drinking water... As well as feeling overly hot alot :/ I'm trying to keep myself calm and not go off on a health anixety trip aagin
The ride back last night was rough and long but I manged to get home! Get some good sleep also.
My throat has hurt today, I'm also having a strange headache /pain just around my right temple/long the long side of my head onto my forehead. Side side as the white dot on the tonsil....I'm feel rather unwell and dizzy at times. Hoping it's all just from the travel :( Have to have a 12 hour shift at work tomorrow
New chapter, less focusing on symptoms?
Well done on getting back home safe and sound! You are bound to feel shattered! Just get some decent sleep tonight.
New chapter, less focusing on symptoms?
Well done on getting back home safe and sound! You are bound to feel shattered! Just get some decent sleep tonight.
Old habits die hard :lac:! I know I'm annoyed with myself for slipping. I think alot of it had to do with so much free tree traveling yesterday. I can't read/watch anything when I travel as it makes me feel sick! (I know, don't worry about this strangely as for once I can be reasonable and know I always had this :roflmao:).
I hope when I get more into a real day-to-day again I get in control again!
Thank you Pulisa x
Got through my 13 hour shift- wasn't easy after a week off! I also had a really bad sleep last night. Which didn't help but I got through it. My throat is still at me, white dots etc etc. I brought some difflan on my break and hoping in a few days it's all going to clear up. Just feeling shit at the moment to be honest! But going to get back into things....strange I know but happy with that fact I'm not running to out of hours doctor with this.
Sorry to rant here, I'm just at the end of my rope. I've tried everything. Extra movement/workout. Eating healthier - every to try and help my sleeping pattern yet here are are at nearly 5 am again wide awake.
Amy time to do try to sleep I snap awake blah blah. So having issues.
With my health worries altwlt I've been having very dark dreams also, about myself and other putting me off. Like I lay here feeling like my heart going to stop- when knock knock my own reality it probs won't and I'll be fine! But ugh my mind
Will sorry for the rant.... Just feel a bit over working in the mentisk
What an epic journey, well done for getting through it.
Have you tried Mindfulness exercises to help you?
I find them invaluable when I am struggling to sleep.
It's not a perfect solution, but I also find mindful breathing really helpful if I need to get to sleep.
What an epic journey, well done for getting through it.
Have you tried Mindfulness exercises to help you?
I find them invaluable when I am struggling to sleep.
Thank you so much for the reply :flowers:
I've tried them in the past! My therapist has given me some good ones, when I get into a bad place and don't always remember the good stuff. So I'll defo give that ago again! Thank you taking the time to recommend it to me.
Yes- the trip is long! To much thinking times in away! But so proud of myself of traveling that far by myself
It's not a perfect solution, but I also find mindful breathing really helpful if I need to get to sleep.
Thank you for the reply! I'll have to try looking into that again! Sure it's all wroth a ago and thank you for taking the time to say so.
Just wanted to give abit more detail to this- the reason I'm so bad with sleeping is I suffer from horrible nightmares. Like I have talk to my therapist about them and trying to work around them but sometimes it all gets to much. I don't want to upset anyone by going into the detail of them here, but it is really hard for me to cope with. I have appointment again to see my therapist in July. Will work more in detail with it again!
Also on a health front, the red dots on my arms seem to be finally be going down and don't itch to much anymore! The white dot seems to be gone from my throat- so good days! Have a bad headache but I was under alot of emotional distress after my lacking in sleep and nightmares again. It freaks me to have it to only one side and be so intense but I'm sure about posting about headaches like that on her before- so we'll get by :)!
Didn't get to sleep until 6 am this morning...but no nightmares! So a slightly win! My therapist recommend we push out next appointment up when I sent her a update about what was happening.
I've been having bad headaches now, just on the left side so maybe it's from stress or tension! My throat is still bad but I do have acid issues so eh I say must of this can all be explained anyway!
UPDATE:
Just stood up and walked. My heart went strange and my legs felt weak. My head feels like it was going to pop. My shoulder and left arm ache and my chest feels strange I'm feeling very crappy now. I put my arms between my legs to try and calm down. I feel myself getting bad again. Sorry for disappointing. everyone
I tried to pull myself together the last few hours, it's not been easy. Alot of tears but I'm still alive!
V bad night, v bad headache/pain etc on the left side can't get rid of. Three hours before I have to get up and work...so I'm going to trey a get a nap in
Sounds like small setbacks Sarah, but overall you appear to be dealing with things a lot better.
Keep going girl, it will get easier.
Sounds like small setbacks Sarah, but overall you appear to be dealing with things a lot better.
Keep going girl, it will get easier.
Thank you so, so much for the reply. It means so much.
I'm really trying to get myself out of this mindset. To not let it over-take everything. I went to work today and rather then go home I even went to meet some friends and had a really good time. I got home, was washing my mouth out and noticed the white dot was back and bigger on my tonsil (that tonsil has always been bigger- maybe from alot of infections as a child so it being so big and awful with this white dot while I have a swore throat and other issues isn't great!). Sent me into a worry- but look what can you do! Going to do some deep breathing before bed! Hopefully get some sleep x
So:
Busy day today- busy weekend ahead!
My throat is still a worry, still a white mark there, pain etc. I'll wait till Monday until seeing if I should see a doctor no not as I don't have time this weekend.
No nightmares last night thankfully!
So got through a day of travelling - thoart not being great. Feeling really exhausted and run down but here! Sad in not feeling great and feeling not like my hearts in this.
So ended up going to my health care provider private clinic and he said I have a throat infection?? Didn't really give me details and gave me some tablets so hopefully this all clears up soon and I can get on track again!
Update:
I feel a little pushed off by him tbh, he gave me a tablet to take 4 times a day for ten days and like this stuff to mix into water to take five days times times? I'm only a few in and my stomach is feeling bad- I'm going to buy some pro-bio yogurt to try and settle my stomach as this could be a long-haul table taking. My throat even hurts more from taking the stuff- a part of my mind is like what if this is the start of the end (what a drama queen LOL)
It's coming up to the date of my break down that started all of this. So it's not great- as I was just on tablets for for a skin infection thing.
I called my boyfriend to explain to him what happened- for the first time I opened up to him about why I'm so scared to be ill (or dying tbh). I've never told him about trying to take my life before. It was a big step, a massive step but I felt like it was the right time to say something? Of course it was a gentle way, not just outright. He was very king and gentle about it, didn't push on questions just like me say what I wanted to say. My chest feels a little lighter to be honest.
My relationship is a bit hard at the moment, my boyfriend moved back to his own country for a better job. I'm moving to Germany in a few months. It's alot but in a way it feels safer ti open up to him like this.
Also sorry for anyone if that's alot to read or if I sound horrible/selfish for my thoughts
I manged to get through a 13 hour day at work! Which was very stressful and I had to make alot of phone calls to other workers...which made me uncomfortable that my boss suggested I do that on a Sunday :/.Mosst of them were nice enough and understanding that it had to be done!
My thoart- My Mam checked in a few days ago when I was debating to go to the doctor or not. She had another look today and said it looks better! Even though I'm not feeling great and feel like it's making me feel worse lol. Mentally also, I had a rough night- but hoping it all moves along soonish! My Mam was nice enough to buy me some of the yogurt I was looking for when I was at work as I didn't have the chance to run to the shop before Sunday closing hours. Thankful...no google or feeling around for lumps and reasons to panic tho on my end :)!
Also sorry for anyone if that's alot to read or if I sound horrible/selfish for my thoughts
Not horrible or selfish at all.
It is nice to see you working through your issues logically.
I hope that the tablets kick in soon and that you get some relief from your sore throat.
You are working hard-mentally and physically-to get through the days and I appreciate how hard it is for you.
I do hope that there are better days ahead and I'm sure they will happen. Talk to those close to you who matter when you are struggling to cope? Just getting things off your chest can help when the panic gets overwhelming xx
@Elen & @Pulisa
Thank you both so much for your reply's, it means so much to me you'd take the time to even read my rambles- which I know goes on alot! Especially when you two have your own issues going on and I hope there's happier times for the both of you ahead :hugs:
Thankfully, I think the tablets are helping a little bit. I still have at least five days of tablets to go! My stomach does not like it at all! But I think the yogurt is helping. I've had some shaky moments but I've been away from google. Also about five/six weeks ago I went to my gp office (the nurse takes the bloods so no need to see the gp) to get B12 test done (A issue I have to get down every three months due to other reasons) Thankfully this is the first time ever! I don't need to get B12 shoots for the next three months! Which has never happened in the last three years since I've had to have it tested. She also took a blood count (it's all good!) this time- so my worries have been less since she said my blood count was fine for some reason :roflmao:. I've also been away from google for good and no pressuring looking for any lumps! Big change for me
I've been struggling alot with...other emotional stuff. I've taken some of your words to Pulisa, I've tried softly to my boyfriend about some things. Since his always been on the outside- nothing to big or enough to overwhelm him. Just little things. I even mention to my Mam how worried I can be about being sick often, that it has to mean something. She gave me a laugh by saying I was still kicking at the moment!
Sorry to update so suddenly with a different tone but there's no one awake and I already sent a crazy message for someone to wake up to that I'll delete.
Sleeping was going better, when tonight things just all felt... Wrong. They didn't feel real..? I don't know how to describe it. Then my heart felt like it wasn't working and ugh. There was so much stuff going on and I'm so alone at this hour. I've been having a constant panic attack for two hours and I'm semi calming but this is so hard
Like there's so much going go- I'm feel to hot every moment with the blanket and I'm freezing with it it. I want to get sick but everything feels likes im dying. I know I'm being dramatic but this is a so scary to me. Everything so wrong and bad. Like this is the start of something bad in my life
Oh you’re not dying, it does sound like a panic attack. Sometimes the smallest of things can cause one. Sorry you’re so scared by it, but that’s how they work.
Keep doing stuff to distract your mind, then before you know it you’ll be back to breathing normally and feeling much more like yourself. You might be worn out by it, but you’ll be ok.
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Agree with Scass, it is another blip Sarah. Keep distracting yourself and it will get easier.
@Scass & @Ellen
Thank you both so much for the reply's!
Sleep isn't always a easy thing for me, It's becoming up to a very upsetting and difficult time of the year for me...the time that really set off my anxiety issues. It's probably alot of pressure, I don't even notice. I guess in the moments it's si stressful and scary but it's like you say Elen- I'll have to distract myself and it will get easier to deal with. I know, I know I'm so dramatic to say I'm dying and it's a silly statement. I guess I shouldn't vent so much but it's like I need to get it done in away.
In good news I'm nearly finished my tablets, four another four days to go. I think my throat looks better, it definitely feels better.
Just wanted to update this thread quickly, I tried not to come here everyday and say something.
I've not been well in anyway, phycially my thoart is still at me and I have lots of other things wrong but I'm trying to be being reasonable and thinking it could just to do with the weather /my mental health playing a part.
I've been having non stop nightmares and that's really made things worse and I've gotten some bad news in my person life.
So all in all not a great time but I've got therapy coming up! Hoping it can help kick start me up again as things haven't been great! But it's all part of it! I'm trying to be more proactive and talk more walks/work out to try and help clear my head space. I've also started to draw again, trying to have something to do that isn't social media /interaction based but also gives my mind to work on!
Now I've got a 12 hour work day to look forward too!
Today was a rough day! But manged to get through it! I'm feeling really unwell phycially but I manged it :)! Going to try some new of the face cream today to try and destress a little!
Having a horrible few days..alot of very personal feelings being hurt. It's coming up to two years since my break-down (I don't use this term lightly, it ended up with my ripping clumps out of my hair our and other issues I don't want to upset others with here.)
I have therapy on Monday, the same back as my breakdown, the same day as my birthday.
Health wise: It's been up and down:
I have a horrible headache today but rather then fall onto the ground and says it's the end. I know it's more reasonable to think its to do with stress/not drinking enough water/ lots of other little things etc. I also have a very tender spot under my skin by my eyebrow....like did I forget I have cyst ache! It will show itself in a few days.
Also my throat is doing okay-ish, during a break down I did check for lumpy areas. Did find one but I had blood/counts done recently and it was all good. It's just something I need to forget about and not chase down the garden path. I've been at this door many times before and I'm still here aren't I!
I'm aware that I use my HA to hide behind sometimes, it's a very complex issue! Aren't we all complex
I'm trying to have things to look forward to, my boyfriend and me are going on a trip in mid July for two weeks to look forward to. My best friend moved into a new house and we're having a party. My Mam had me helping her build garden tablets and chairs set..let's say Rome was built faster :roflmao:
This must be a very challenging time of the year for you but look at all the positives.
Your headache does not mean a brain tumour
Your cyst is not skin cancer
Your sore throat is not throat cancer
We all hide behind things for a number of reasons, it is good that you recognise this.
Where is the trip too?
Building furniture has never been something that I have been any good at, tbh I wouldn't even attempt it these days as I know that it usually ends badly.
Another positive is the total difference in your posts compared to previously.
@Ellen Thank you so much for the reply, I've been trying to keep myself from rambling to much as today as the day of the break down that lasted for ago time (with impact). I've been doing to well, emotional or physical. I think my throat infection never cleared so I'm going to my own gp towards the end of the week if it hasn't cleared up by Wednesday. I probs need another dose of tablets to clear it, it's more annoying and dis-heating then panic driven at this stage. It's sad as the first is my birthday but I have a therapy appointment for tomorrow. Alot to talk about! But it's all about working along.
The trip! We're going to the Netherlands first (my boyfriend from there, to vist family and his friends etc) then we're going to Italy which is lovely as we've never gone somewhere before were neither of us could speak the language...so two clowns trying to work it out together! (That's another reason I want the throat thing cleared up, don't want to be feeling unwell on the trip!)
See, as I'm moving country soon- My Mam says she wants to get as much help out of me as possible before I go! Haha, so building and helping paint when the weather a little better for me with her! But it's lovely to spend time with her.
I'm trying to change my mind set, not fall down, I know I have dumps in the road. That I've got this far and I can keep going far with a few slips before hopefully never go back
Oh Sarah I do wish you a very Happy Birthday for today and I hope that the day turns out to be a good one-including a positive therapy appointment which will help you with your fears.
Your trip sounds very exciting and full of new experiences which you can enjoy together. You certainly don't let your anxiety hold you back from taking on new challenges-I really admire you because you keep on going regardless of setbacks and worries. You deserve life to get easier for you and there's no reason why it shouldn't in view of your determination and positive mindset.
Happy Birthday! xx
Happy Birthday Sarah, I hope it’s been a good one x
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@Pulisa, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me when I know you have so much going on in your own life. I'll be sending you lots of positive thoughts during this time x. I'm doing my best to live the best I can because I'm the only one who can really pull myself long in this- it's not easy but I really put out some of my negative feelings in therapy yesterday. It was hard, very hard but sometimes it gets harder before it gets better. Thank you so much for the kind words and the birthday wish xx
@Scass Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and for the birthday wish xx
Today wasn't easy but I didn't expect it to me. My chest has ached all day, my heart has been going fast- it been hard to breath but I know it's my anxiety. It's my body reminding itself of how bad things were before. That this is a bad time for me- but I aint going to let it win! I'm going to keep pushing, I'm going to get there. I'm going to win this round x
Sorry need to rant here:
I feel like I'm back at the old place, I went have what's happening with my health or why I feel so panic and there's no point in listing here. I'm truly scared and freaked. It really is effecting me big.
I'm trying to be reasonable and breath through it. I wish I had someone to talk to. Not even panic at, just talk to.
TW:
In therapy I talked alot lately about how I wished to kill myself in the past and now all those feelings of how I might have wasted time. If I would have been better off dead and while it's important to talk about these issues sometimes it makes it worse. Sometimes it makes it all harder to understand or feel. Just to be clear, I am not wanting to take my own life anymore- i have the other fear of death. Sorry I could explain better but I am trying not to over-share. I know I shouldn't post and I'm sorry to anyone I disappoint in slipping. I'm trying to do better.
I understand that nighttime is rough for me. Any feelings physical or emotional is worse for me- like so many.
Sarah, you are not disappointing anyone. Therapy can dredge up ghastly painful memories which then stay with you long after the session has finished and particularly when you have time to think and are not occupied...such as during long sleepless nights.
My daughter also has these fears of "wasting time" but you haven't...You have been through a lot and it all takes its toll but you are hardly wallowing in your distress and are making plans for a new and exciting chapter in your life. The past is the past and you can't change that but the present and the future are all yours to shape as you wish and it sounds to me as though you have made some very positive plans and are making the most of your therapy sessions to work through those awful times. You should show yourself some compassion as you face up to these difficult emotions-they have to come out in some way and are no doubt driving your HA.Night times are the worst for feeling alone and frightened xx
Sarah, you are not disappointing anyone. Therapy can dredge up ghastly painful memories which then stay with you long after the session has finished and particularly when you have time to think and are not occupied...such as during long sleepless nights.
My daughter also has these fears of "wasting time" but you haven't...You have been through a lot and it all takes its toll but you are hardly wallowing in your distress and are making plans for a new and exciting chapter in your life. The past is the past and you can't change that but the present and the future are all yours to shape as you wish and it sounds to me as though you have made some very positive plans and are making the most of your therapy sessions to work through those awful times. You should show yourself some compassion as you face up to these difficult emotions-they have to come out in some way and are no doubt driving your HA.Night times are the worst for feeling alone and frightened xx
Thank you so much for the reply and kind words Pulisa xx (I'm also very pleased for your own news on your own post x)
I guess I always feel the most disappointed in myself, it feels like it would be to much to have so many more disappointed in me. I'm trying to be more positive and realize there's more to life, that I can do more. That all of this is peaks and valleys, I guess I'm in a valley at the moment. I had a similar reaction about 10 months ago when we were talking about another very difficult issues in therapy and it was hard. It was hard but in the long run it helped work everything out. I made a appointment with my own gp for Monday, giving myself to clear my head before going to see her so I don't give in a panic. Like I said before, this is for the fact my throat still hasn't cleared up! I'll just have a calm talk with her also. I try to remind myself, I've come this far, I've gotten this far and I can go far.
Sarah,
I just want to say that despite what you feel are setbacks, your courage and persistence in challenging your anxiety is admirable. In many ways, you remind me of my daughter in the way you battle the dragon. There will always be backward steps in your journey. How you handle them is what counts. You're working harder than most and should give yourself credit.
I'm reminded of an analogy. The journey toward healing is like autopilot on a jetliner. The destination is set but there will be headwinds, weather systems and other factors that alter the course momentarily. Ultimately, despite those obstacles, the jet reaches its destination. IMO, you're on course ;)
Positive thoughts
@Fishmanpa Thank you so much for this reply! I love the analogy- I used to try and make up my own in English class all the time....no so clever at all I am :roflmao:. I've seen you mention your daughter before- I hope she's in a better mental space now x
Like tonight, this is strange but Wimbledon was on the TV a few hours ago. That kinda...set me off a little. Silly I know but that was what was on TV when the massive break down started! It was like a flash back, but I sat down. I took deep breaths, I tried to clear my mind and remind myself I'm in a different place. I'm not going back to that place again, if I have bad days. I've come so far- and I'm trying to do like alot of you say. Give myself some credit, I haven't had the best times and sometimes I get annoyed with myself for bad times- I forget about how far I have come from those days. Like I said before, I hide behind my HA sometimes- it's like a smaller issues to a big issuer. Just deep breaths and being kinder to myself. For once I don't have a huge list for my doctor on Monday....a shocking change :roflmao: . I'm not feeling my best physically or mentally but I'll get there!
I've been okayish but tonight I've got a rush of anxiety. I felt good in myself, good in what was to come after my appointment with my doctor tomorrow. It feels hard to breath and my chest feels strange- all anxiety I'm guessing but I'm miserable!
I suddenly have the fear of more tests- hopefully this is just a bad bubble and I can put it all behind me soon x
Tried some deep breathing and trying to keep my mind going! Hoping this calm lasts x
Today went good! I talked to my gp about alot of things (not just physical, I'm very lucky with my gp) and I'm feeling lighter and more like my feet are on the ground
I'm glad you have a decent GP, Sarah. It can make all the difference to know that you are heard and understood.
I hope the week is easier for you.
Brilliant news Sarah
Thank you Elen :bighug1:, I'm doing my best to give myself a big old kick up the bum and get onto a good path again! If anyone I didn't have sinus/hayfever I'd run through a field of flowers to give myself another push of happiness :). Yet in trying to be calm, I found a actually hard lump in my upper neck and it doesn't matter the area because it doesn't matter but lets hope I can push on x!
I manged to go out all day, get some shopping done, call up to my friend, help my parents with some tax stuff! So along day!
I've come to the thought this lump thing is either a under skin spot or something that will go away. I guess because I'm having some headache and eye pain on that side so extra panic! Which is still a silly thing for me to do. I need to be more positive and full of life and not so panic at everything. There's pain when I touch it so- a good sign! I found it by accident so I'm going to sit on my hands a awit a few days before checking it again but I'm guessing it will be gone at that stage!
I'm heading off to hols on Wednesday and I'm looking forward to it! I went all out for it- even booking to get my nails and hair done on Monday! My Mam said it's nice I'm spending some money on myself for a change !
Some thoughts I'm having....I would love to say I'm dealing with the lump like I said yet when I looked into the mirror I thought I could see it look worse etc etc etc. I feel like old panic in my chest, as it's harder and feels deeper than anything I've had before. Like I can actually see a lump shape sticking out, I've never had this before. I did ask my Mam earlier if she could see a spot- I had to ask. She said it's probably just a spot under the skin or a glad and for some reason that scared me more. I know I'm being stupid and I'm sorry. I'm also getting night flushes and I feel exhausted alot. I'm sorry for listing things, it's just it's 2 am and my mind is going into over-drive
I had a stomach infection last year, I went to a gp a few times with pain (not my normal gp, she was on level for personal reasons.) I would be crying in pain, losing three stone in a month and just kept sending me away until my own gp came back and sent me straight for tests. I wish I had/ have notice this lump before my last appointment. As I feel that panic of it being hard to notice the difference. Like I had a total blood count about two and half moments ago, so I'm trying to have that to calm and lots of other things but I'm feeling down. So, that impact made it hard for me to know if something is real or not.
I was in a very bad mental place at the time - because (TW) I was sexually assaulted by someone I trusted and alot of stuff came from that. Including a lot of physical and emotional danged. I'm scared to type that as I've never went into detail about this here and no one in my life besides my therapist and gp know about this. I also failed classes in college because of this, so I feel behind and I was always- not to be full of myself but a straight A student. I was always in the top half of claases. So to have that happen, was another hit. I also lost a best friend who caused hassle in my life. There's always more and I know this sounds like excuses. When I say I used the HA to hide and now it became a big thing. There so much mixed into it.
I thought of my boyfriend who is so calm, he had a visible lump under his eye for four months and it got bigger and I said nothing as he is his own person. A adult who can make their own choices- but I did worry about him alot. Yet it never crossed his mind. I'm feeling disappointed in myself.
I'm having a rough day, everything still bad and mentally I'm down. I touched my neck once and it seemed worse. I'm feeling a strange discount between my mind and body. I'm at my friend's for a party and I'm sitting in the toilet trying to take deep breathe and chill out somewhat.
I'm just updating this, I made it lol I don't know why but lately I keeping getting this feeling of feeling spacey and struggling to breath- I've got it the last few hours ago. Propbaly alot of worry lol. I didn't touch the lump at all today, in fact I went to the beach with my friends and I didn't mention this lump to anyone! Something I would keep saying to everyone in the pass and need their help on working out- so a little win? Trying some deep breathing now to calm myself.
I was going to get rid the big rant up above but no, it's my truth and I'm sorry if it's selfish of me!
I finished work until the 2nd of August! I've been working alot of 12/14 hours days lately- So! Looking for to this.
I haven't touched the neck lump, I did find a big old lump at the back of my head- if only it was I was so smart and it was my brain pushing out :roflmao:(Sorry strange saying, it's something my granddad used to say whenever we would get a knock on the head as a kid while messing about and he was trying to make us laugh!...I guess.) Nah, all jokes aside, it's probably nothing as it hurts when pushed. I have hair down to my waist, so I've probs banged the area a few times or you know as people have said here before our body are perfect or made of marble. Like I guess when I'm getting such bad headaches, my vision feels strange (maybe over thinking on my behave, got my eyes tested last year and they didn't want to see me for another year.) I'm going to give myself a real kick up the ass and get going with the path to recovery again. Like there's lots of non bad reasons for why I've been feeling the way I do, sinus issues, hay-fever, our bodies not being made or marble etc
I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow for the first time in two years (I give it a little trim myself every few weeks.). I'm wondering if I should risk it all and get a big chop up to my shoulders! I'm also getting my nails done, so I guess I'm really going all out!
Okay....Nights are my big down point! Sorry for ranting so late x
So today went wellish! I got over 12 inches cut off my hair! A bug change for me! At least that means less time in the shower :roflmao:. I spent over six hours in town by myself today, I had a few bad moments but I made it! My nails also turned out really well, the women who did it really did a fab job! I was a little nervous after the last time I got them done and she ended up staining my skin. I also packed everything I need and I'm leaving Wednesday !
The last two nights sleep has been hard, about two hours of sleep the last two nights- my mind been non stop racing. I had all of the physical issues again today, I was exhausted but I manged to get through it all
I hope you have a wonderful holiday and manage to get an extended break from anxiety and all the exhaustion of normal life!
12 inches from your hair is a really dramatic change but I bet it looks great and it will certainly make things easier for you.
Battling through each day and night is so hard and you must be absolutely shattered mentally and physically..Life becomes an endurance test and it shouldn't be when you are young..I do hope you find some peace and happiness on holiday and that you can get some sleep which will help you so much xx
Thank you so much Pulisa x I hope you're doing okay also x
I was a little taken aback at first about the hair change... My hairbrush kept going further but there was no hair left ��
I'm really hoping this trip can help... But it hasn't been great! My bag with my passport/money/everything got stolen on my second day here :( but I'm trying to be postive things could always be worse! Just trying to work around it now x
I've also got my period which is never fun, I'm trying out new tablets to see how it stop my strong cyle- hopefully it helps as the heat here is unbearable currently x!
And now I just vomited up my dinner :( think it was a mix of stress/I've been drinking nearly too much water (by that I mean alot more than my body use to??) just miserable at the moment to be honest! But hopefully it's up from from
Honsetly! You have to laugh. I got two nosebleeds, coverws in horrible bug bites and I've been overcome with the most horrible wave of exhaustion but trying to keep a postive head up!
Oh poor you, I hope you feel better soon x
Oh poor you, I hope you feel better soon x
Thank you scass x! I thankfully got my passport issues fixed up today! It wasn't half as stressful as I thought it would be so that's always nice ��
I'm still struggling with exhaustion, it's hard to get going - it's probably the real heat here and tmi my period mixed it. I've also lost my appetite... Not like me at all but were going for a nice dinner tomorrow so hoping it pops its head up again tomorrow!
The bug bites are big and annoying, I feel bad about myself whenever they poke out... But tried a few ways to bring it down today and sitting on my hands!
Hope you have better luck soon, Sarah. Can't you use insect repellent spray on skin? What sort of bugs are they?
I swear by tiger balm on my insect bites, it’s the only thing that stops the itching. Don’t get it in your eyes though...
@KK77 Thank you! I was in a different area a few days ago - it was mainly a grassy area. By the bite marks and such my boyfriend thinks its some type of ant! We've brought some stuff to make sure more bites don't happen. Besides hopefully they seem to be settling down as they aren't as nasty and hard as before. So hopefully it's clearing off These were enough to deal with!
@scass if I was home in Ireland I would cover myself in tiger balm! My Mam used to use it on us when we were small! My brother manged to mistakely eat some when he was small... Let's say he wasn't long forgetting about the bite! But I can't seem to find it anywhere here but I'll keep looking. Thank you for the reply x
Today it's been so, so hot and it's only going to get hotter. So not looking forward to it x my anixety/breathing hasn't been great but that's don't to heat I'd say. My body reacts bad to heat and especially at sleep time! Like tonight I keep getting the strangest thoughts and my mind can't
up. Like everything just feels off... I don't know how. To talk about it even? This is hard. Go write. Ugh, Im not as fan of this 35 degree plus heat at all!
I'm not sure what's going on with me, if it's the heat or what but last night... I don't even know how to describe last night. It was a strange mix of dreams (which weren't terrible night's) and when I was awake a strange feeling of not... Being. Sorry I don't know how to describe it. It was just very hard? This trip had left me feeling so exhausted and non settled :(
I think the weather's wrecking everybody right now. I know my sleep's really disturbed.
Can you have a quiet day today?
When are you back home, Sarah? Can you tell your boyfriend how you are feeling?
Sorry for the delay in reply! I wanted to reply ealier but my phone got overheated and I left it off for a few hours x
@blueiris, today wasn't to stressful! And the heat seems to be dropping down. There is a chance of rain so hoping it comes and breaks things up alot! Thank you for the reply x
@pullisa, I'm not back until the 2nd of August! I try explaining it to him and normally his very understanding but sometimes I think he finds it hard to understand! Like I tried explaining to him what happened in my dreams that unsettled me so and I know his right when he tries to be comforting by saying its a dream and that doesn't make it true but it still makes me feel a little uneasy!
Listing my thoughts to combat my anixety:
1.) The constant heat would play a part in why I'm so exhausted constantly plus lots of other issues
2.) The fact we've been using a fan non stop even while sleeping could explain some of my thoart issues so could other things like the flight, the dry weather, Hayfever etc etc
3.) The strange talking/overwhelming thoughts could all be my mind just working overtime. This leads to my strange dreams - as I've been someone who suffers nightmares.
4.) My strange and unsettling dreams - one were I was told I had a undisclosed illness with how my body been feeling felt so real and like it would be in the near future scared me. What also stuck with me was the fact that in my dreams none of my friends and family would support me and left me alone - a interesting development as this is something that has never affected my dreams before.
5.) SWEATY... Even with the fan... My body not used to this constant heat.
6.) I know this is a strange one- but I feel like I'm losing weight. Like I'm on holiday but I'm often not hungry or I'm not eating half the crap I would at home... So maybe I am losing weight? I know it's a strange thing but might as well toss it all down.
I did have a talk with my boyfriend ealier about all of this and other worries (non ha or dream stuff.) ealier. He really is supporting and tries to understand but I know sometimes it's easier said than done. I also worry with overwhelming him with constant negative feelings or thoughts.
I know my health/dreams issues is propably just a bad dip but I wished this holiday could amnge my mindset but we have a week left... I hope I can make it a good one :(
I slept well last night thankfully! Today I had a bad thoart but it's like I had before. Just hoping it doesn't go towards infection! Just washing it out with salt and water. Hoping I can stay in this good mindset for the rest of the trip
Thankfully my thoart seems to be okay now! Got a okayish sleep last night. No nightmares! The temperature finally went under 20 degrees today...!
Today I've had a headache, felt slightly ill and my eyes all unfocused. My body also aches and I feel exhausted... But! I'm going to say the weather changes and my mental ups and downs ain't helping. Like I've been to the doctor and all that enough to know that nothing wrong but not fun having this bad vibe in a other country
It can't be much fun at all but you are with your boyfriend and he will look after you. Hopefully this week will be cooler and you will be able to move around without all the awful heat. You know that your doctor at home has checked you over and is happy that you are physically well-obviously mentally you are anxious and you don't want this week to be an ordeal. Do you feel that the holiday so far has been an ordeal?
It can't be much fun at all but you are with your boyfriend and he will look after you. Hopefully this week will be cooler and you will be able to move around without all the awful heat. You know that your doctor at home has checked you over and is happy that you are physically well-obviously mentally you are anxious and you don't want this week to be an ordeal. Do you feel that the holiday so far has been an ordeal?
Thank you for the reply Pulisa x I hope you're doing well yourself!
Yeah like I think because I was in a low place before I came over I was really hoping this would kick start a good time again. Yet things kept going wrong, the stress with everything getting stolen in my bag. Emotional I felt like I've been alot for people and just feeling generally unwell has really put a downer on this. It's like when I try to pick myself up something happens. Yet I still have a few days and I want to make the best of it. Both for myself because I worked so hard to get here and for my boyfriend because he been so understanding and kind.
Like I always say you have to laugh sometimes and I've been doing my best to laugh alot of the harder times off but it has been a really hard trip. I had a long good phone call with my Mam. So hoping I can bring myself up for the final part of this trip!
Like I try to remind myself that even tho my body doesn't feel the best it's all good and my mental state is the one I really have to focus on!
Had a horrible nightmare last night that resulted in me screaming so loudly two different people knocked at our door to see if I was okay. Since this my chest felt tight and ive been struggling to brearh. Also feeling dizzy alot. I have a meeting with the embassy tomorrow about a passport home so hopefully its all stress from that :(
Like i can't even stand up without my legs shacking and feeling like I'm going to fall down. My boyfriend has friends here and was out with them all evening,he'll be home soon. I tried eating some bread to see if it's I've not eaten enough and I'm going to try ans stand om the balcony for some air
Update : Worst panic attack of my life. My whole body wemt numb and i wasn't even able to move. My lovely boyfriend came home and talkes me around it. It was so scary i don't want to go into detail of everything here. I wqsmt even able to stand or pick up my phone whwn my boyfriend called me. I like to believe since it went on for so long and kinda eased now that it was just a panic attack. A bad one, nothing worse. Like I said my blood pressure and all that has checked out before. Sorry for ranting here, i really couldn't cope in that moment.
Oh you poor thing, that sounds very scary. How wonderful that your boyfriend was there for you.
But. You would have been ok, you’ve got this ok? Now you rest, and be kind to yourself. Don’t worry about it, there’s no reason for it to happen again. Sweet dreams x
Oh you poor thing, that sounds very scary. How wonderful that your boyfriend was there for you.
But. You would have been ok, you’ve got this ok? Now you rest, and be kind to yourself. Don’t worry about it, there’s no reason for it to happen again. Sweet dreams x
Thank you so much for the reply scass x I know I'm veey lucky to have a boyfriend like this. I think if the panic attack had been like I've had them before I would be able to cope better. Just this strange tense in my body and unable to use my hands set me off. Like I really felt like my body was shutting down. I'm going to try and sleep it off now x i know if it was something super serious I wouldn't have recovered from it at all!
Last night sleep waa rough.... But I made it into another day! My body abit stiff still and sometimes i feel uneasy on my feet so not great but nowhere as bad as yesterday! Im feeling exhausted but at least it rained here!
My stomach is a bit uneasy etc but no matter how horrible and stress it was yesterday. Like I've had some panic attacks but god I really thought I was on the way out yesterday :(
It sounds horrible. Your body is getting over all the tension today, and it might take a few days to feel back to normal. Try not to focus too much on the fact that it happened, just that it’s done and there’s no reason to expect another.
It sounds horrible. Your body is getting over all the tension today, and it might take a few days to feel back to normal. Try not to focus too much on the fact that it happened, just that it’s done and there’s no reason to expect another.
Thank you so much for the reply x you've been so kind to me. I hope you're doing okay!
I finally have my passport to go home tomorrow! Who would have thought I'd be so happy to go home. Thankfully it's not been that bad since. I've had some tension in my hands, i can get all chest feel strange/dizzy/eyes all strange etc etc. Random heat flushes are bad also!
Like my eyes feeling all blurry and strange is a bad one. Like all the other stuff also is like i try not to focus on it to much but it can be hard!
But I'm still here and I'm about to go to a good restaurant so hopefully one last bang!
Finally at the airport on the way home! I've decided to book a eye test when i get home as someome who wears glasses... I don't think they match my eyes sight anymore! I'm still feeling weak and out of my body abit. I'm scared of that happening again to be honest! But at least the last night was a good night!
Sorry for all the rants here.
Don't apologise. You have coped with a hell of a lot. You should be proud of yourself. I hope your flight home is problem free and that you can sleep tonight x
@Pulisa and @Scass Thank you both so much for the replys x Thankfully the flight wasn't to bad, a little bumpy at first but smooth after that. I did feel kinda panic at the start but I got a game on my phone that I forced myself to put my whole mind into and I was home x
I slept okay last night! Today I've been feeling okayish, the last few hours I got light headed, head and body pains/ feeling weak etc etc. My breathing feels a little off but I'm trying to say it's all just the stress slipping out x I'm back to work tomorrow now! 12 hour shift here I come.
I'm trying to tell myself that lots of my body weakness /tension is from me being filled with anixety /scared and just woked up. My stomach and chest feel sl strange
I'm trying to tell myself that lots of my body weakness /tension is from me being filled with anixety /scared and just woked up. My stomach and chest feel sl strange
You know that's the case.... ;)
https://media.giphy.com/media/ArrVyXcjSzzxe/giphy.gif
Positive thoughts
Thank you for the reply - and your choice of gif made me laugh as my boss loves to quote that at us alot ����
I've got a eye test on Friday- I've been feeling bad on/off with headaches/eye issues etc etc but I'm still here! Living, I spent the night at my friends which is always lovely
Not doing to well sadly, my eye test appointment got pushed from that Friday to this Friday (23rd) due to over-booking issue. I've been getting on the best I can at life, yet I still get very bad moments. Dizzy, my hands getting all strange and tense- feeling like I'm not in my body. I haven't gone running to the doctor. Which I'm happy about! Whole those issues and other things are at me. Like sometimes I really feel like that's it, I'm gone- I feel personal it might have to do with my not breathing right? I'm doing my best to work on myself but it can be really hard. I've had some super intense moments and I stop myself from rambling here and I mange to cope but it's hard. Very hard.
Tonight is just horrible- I find it hard to breath and all the other horrible stuff. I know it's probs just anxiety at this stage as I'm still alive after all those times freaking about it but it's hard sometimes. Like I feel so hopeless. I did mange to help my Mam during a stressful time today and help her calm down- which was nice being the one to help someone (I mean not happy at all my Mam got into a state like that- nothing health related thankful she's good at the moment)
I know what you mean about helping someone..I always feel better about myself if I feel I can do something useful and beneficial for somebody else so good for you, particularly as you were feeling so bad.
Have a look into hyperventilation syndrome and how it can set off all sort of uncomfortable feelings and sensations? Don't start obsessing about the mechanics of breathing though-that's a whole new can of worms!:D
Thank you so much pulisa, you've really always been so kind and wonderful to me! I did some light reading (don't need to go that rabbit hole and make it worse!) But actually seems like a good fit!
I actually took my Mam away tonight as we're both off work today and tomorrow. We've gone to a little Sea side town for a one night stay. We used to come here all the time when I was little!
Besides some strange dizziness and all that stuff that comes and goes. It's been a wonderful day just getting to send time with her. She means the world to me and seeing her have a hard time really hurts so I'm just trying to do my best to be a support for her now x
That's a lovely gesture, Sarah and I hope you both thoroughly enjoy your mini break at the seaside!
Good luck for the eye test on Friday x
That's a lovely gesture, Sarah and I hope you both thoroughly enjoy your mini break at the seaside!
Good luck for the eye test on Friday x
Thank you Pulisa! We had a wonderful time x
The eye-test went well...well vision has gotten worse alot and the glasses were pricey but it's over and done with!
hi lads- was doing mostly okay today until my heart decicde to go mad after waking up and took forever to settle down. (I nap between shifts as I work two and a 15 hour day) was a horrible feeling. i had a ecg like March and a few other tests so trying to tell myself it was a bad once off!
So, I manged to get through work. I had some dizzy moments and heart pounding- thinking it might have been dehydration maybe? It's been very hot again here and I wasn't drinking enough water? I'm trying to give simple reasons rather than jumping to the worst lol
So took a big step today! Went to the beach for the first in forever as the last time I was there I had a huge panic attack. It was lovely, not to warm and not to windy! I also went for a swim in the sea which was a massive thing for me but I did it...a small win!
I also picked up my glasses and it feels strange being able to see so well again!
I'm guessing there can't be to much wrong with my heart seeing as I'm still kicking right now
I think something I notice is that I tend to get the same feelings at the same time of night- like my body reminds its self of it and it starts all over again. I have therapy next Monday and I feel like I'm back to step one :( I'm really struggling with breathing issues and stuff along those lines. I don't know how to cope and I feel like I'm falling apart
Guys seriously I'm so freaked. My memory has felt off about the last week. I kept falling asleep earlier then I normally would and wake up at about 3.30 in the morning in the strangest position in bed. I tend to wake up very dizzy and struggling to breath. I tend to be the only person in my room and I'm scared. Idk what's happening like I can't even explain things right. I'm sorry just really scared and I'll feeling. It feels like idk like I'm messing memoires or something. I'm very scared and this whole thing about breathing/chest pains and this just scared me so much.
Someone anyone please....I'm so scared. I'm just shacking in bed non stop and I feel like I'm falling apart. Like a massive break down coming. I'm so scared, like I feel exhausted every day. At nights my brain feel like it goes to mush and things are getting so hard. I'm crying so badly right now. I have no one to talk to please
I feel so scared, like very noise is freaking me out. I feel like something bad is about to happen. Please if someone out there I just just need to chat or something. I know I'm crazy and this is crazy- but I don't feel right and my body feels like something bad is happening to it. I some who doesn't sleep ever till after 4 amish due to horrible sleeping issues. So since I've been falling asleep at like 2-ish every night and waking up feeling so strange and everything idk it's so bad. I'm really crumbling right now
I mange to get myself calm enough to lay down but I'm still in totally panic. I'm shaking and my heart gone all funny again- reflux had also joined the party. I know I'll regert this but it's part of my mental health journey and I hope someone had felt the same so I finally just lost it
I was going to deleate these but our life is our life. I have never gotten into it before but I have psychosis episodes and I think that's what happened. I'm gonna take a break from here. Sorry for anyone who's been annoyed or read that.
I was going to deleate these but our life is our life. I have never gotten into it before but I have psychosis episodes and I think that's what happened. I'm gonna take a break from here. Sorry for anyone who's been annoyed or read that.
I was going to mention something to this effect. It's apparent you've been struggling recently and I don't feel documenting every thought on the forum is benefiting you as it keeps you focused on it. When you meet with your therapist next week, it's worth discussing. Feel better soon.
Positive thoughts
I'm sure no one is annoyed by what you say, Sarah. I also don't think that you are getting much benefit from NMP but see what your therapist says?
You don't need to explain anything about your mental health but I'm so sorry you are suffering and I hope your therapist can offer you some real life support which you very much need at this challenging time xx
Hi everyone x I've been gone from here for nearly two months! I had little moments of dropping in to reply to some people on private- and my lovely friend Louise made a thread for me and it got so much lovely support. Which I thank every single one of you! During those down moments, it meant everything. Knowing that people on here truly cared.
So, in the last two months I've really worked on my mental health- It took alot. It's still on a path to fully getting better but every day is a little brighter. I thankfully haven't had a episode since! I know there is always a chance it will happen again but I hope I can cope better next time. I had alot of life stresses at the time, it was like someone blew up balloon to much and suddenly everything pop out at once. Pieces of me went everywhere, it's taking awhile to pick up the pieces.
So, HA wise- eh. Been mostly good! The gp said my heart was good, my body is good after lots of blood tests (I'm not anemic for the first time in years! Whoop, whoop). Do I still get moments that everything feels shit and it's the end? Yeah but like I said those moments are getting smaller and smaller but I know what sets it off now. Plus this was all two months ago and I'm back here to annoy you all once again :shades::winks: . I do have my first cold of the year- but I'm hoping with the vicks rub I've used it clears off soon!
I was meant to move to Germany a few weeks ago- but I knew I wasn't in that mental space yet. It wouldn't last, so it was very hard to swallow my pride and contact the company- and shocking to me. They offered to keep my job until after Christmas! It's something to work towards, I want to go there. I didn't spend even years learning German for nothing haha! But it's a big goal of my and I'm so glad I get anyother chance.
In life, my family have been great- my friends have been great. In the first few days after that break down especially, the love and kindness I was shown really made my heart swell. I always felt like a burden, a waste of space- scared of being judged. Yet there everyone was, just there for me. Not trying to shove anything onto me, just ready to be leaned on if needed. I'm getting tears in my eyes talking about it now.
Wow, that was a long one! There's lot I'm leaving out but it's a update. Once again, thank you to everyone on here also. Who replayed or spared a thought for me xxx
Thank you for the lovely and positive update. I have been thinking of you, and I’m glad that you’ve had such good help & have been working hard x
Good to hear from you, Sarah and I'm so sorry that you've had such an awful time.
You have always been so determined to get better and now you have your Germany goal for after Christmas.
Wishing you all the very best.
Thank you for the lovely and positive update. I have been thinking of you, and I’m glad that you’ve had such good help & have been working hard x
Aw, thank you so much Scass! Your words honestly means so much to me! I hope you're keeping well yourself xxx
Good to hear from you, Sarah and I'm so sorry that you've had such an awful time.
You have always been so determined to get better and now you have your Germany goal for after Christmas.
Wishing you all the very best.
Thank you Pulisa x I guess, I like to think for all the awful times- It means more good ones are coming. It;s hard to deal with and when in those moments it feels like it's never going to get better but with lots of hard work. I'll get back to a good place again, just some bumps on the way!
I hope you're keeping well and thank you so much for the reply and words xx
Hi all,
So I went away with my boyfriend for a few days- since we've gone long distance since he's in Germany already! It was lovely! I've only been home a few hours and I feel super unwell, weak, like my legs kept shacking :( lots of other unpleasant feelings! it's been a long time since I felt this way. It's like I can't breath! While it's disappointing to feel this way-- I still manged to get dressed up and I'm going to a going away party for my friend tonight which I wasn't going to do but I won't see her for two years :(! So made myself go....hoping I feel better soon!
I'm happy for going out for a few days and doing well, but this after math is hard.
Hope everyone is okay x
Manged to make it to the restaurant we're meeting at and I'm Early so sitting in panic by myself currently
I manged to get some rescue pastilles and I'm really hoping they help am my legs are shacking plus I've started to get pain in my left arm and all around my body and I'm only for another 15 mintues at least
I know this is just probs a panic attack and it's just been a long time but wow am I freaked right now
I can guess my heart is going about 150 at most right now, so I'm trying to do some breathing and such till someone gets here. Having friends around has always helped calm me- even without saying anything to them. Just hard sitting here by myself which like I didn't have this bad of a reaction to my first outing alone.
Sarah,this is far too late but I do hope your friends came very soon after you posted and that you were able to stay and have a good evening? You did so well just to go despite feeling so weak and shaky. I hope your friends could help you just by being there and making you feel protected and supported.
I hope you had a good evening Sarah and that the panic faded soon after you posted xx
Sarah,this is far too late but I do hope your friends came very soon after you posted and that you were able to stay and have a good evening? You did so well just to go despite feeling so weak and shaky. I hope your friends could help you just by being there and making you feel protected and supported.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply Pulisa! It means so much x Sorry it took so long to reply, I tried not to be on my phone to much around my friends and my data was gone all day!
The evening was a mixed bag- while my anxiety didn't really settled I did mange to enjoy myself about 80% of the time! I ordered food but I wasn't able to eat it when it came. My friends didn't point it out because they knew that's a thing that happens whenever I'm in a bad place- which is good because in the past I would have forced myself to eat and felt even more unwell. It's like my friends know how to handle things, they keep a eye on me without making a big deal about it and making me feel like I'm ruining things. My friend who's moving away - gave me a big hug and thanked me for coming out even when she knows I've been having such a hard time! It meant alot.
I hope you had a good evening Sarah and that the panic faded soon after you posted xx
Thank you Scass xx It means alot
I was glad today I went in the end, I would have been super upset today if I didn't and haven't seen my friend before she left. So, while it felt bad- I'm glad I did it.
So, today I did my best to come back from last night. I still have a high heart rate and feel off- but I still tried to do everything today I wanted to do. It's now feelings worse in the night- but that tends to happen. So trying to stay calm and take lots of deep breaths! x It's horrid feelings like this but I'm doing my best to push through
Well, sadly it's not gotten beyyer. Im laying here wide awake with all these awful feeling phycial (heart, breathing, body numbness whhohoo all that bad stuff plus more!)
So I'm looking into buying a weighted blanket to see if that's able to help? With sleep away.
Like, I used to be on meds but due to personal issues with them now my GP and therapist agree it's not a longer term thing for me. Like I kept just getting breathlessness and lots of other things so it's very hard to deal and I'm trying to find other ways around it.
Your friends sound just perfect, Sarah...At least you have them to support you and you don't need to explain anything.
I wish you could get some improvement with your sleep because lying awake with panic symptoms must be exhausting and very distressing. Are weighted blankets very expensive?
Your friends sound just perfect, Sarah...At least you have them to support you and you don't need to explain anything.
I wish you could get some improvement with your sleep because lying awake with panic symptoms must be exhausting and very distressing. Are weighted blankets very expensive?
Hi Pulisa! Sorry for the late reply again, I've been really struggling with panic attacks. I have to see my own GP and therapist anyway for a update next week, so I'll talk to them about these issue as things are getting out of hand at this stage! I'm really having issues with breathing/heart rate but I'm sure there's a way to work it all out! Taking another step forward.
Yes, I'm very lucky for my friends. We care for each other, I try to do my best to support and care for them when they need me. As they have been so wonderful to me, I hope I am half the friend to them as they are me.
Yeah, the sleeping isn't great. It's just extra hard but I try telling myself I've had lots of bad nights but I've made it to the next morning. No matter how fast my heart beats or how breathless I am. It's not alot but it's something. With the blanket, the are nearly two hundred euro but I'm going to talk again to my gp and therapist again to see if they think it would be of wroth!
Thank you again for replying x I hope you're well
I sense your obvious distress with all this and rightfully so. Your GP and therapist surely must be able to help you more even if it's with drugs to help break the cycle of insomnia and panic? The weighted blanket may help but ultimately this appears to be a psychological problem and a lack of confidence and fear that you will get through the night? Do they know just how bad things get at night for you?
I sense your obvious distress with all this and rightfully so. Your GP and therapist surely must be able to help you more even if it's with drugs to help break the cycle of insomnia and panic? The weighted blanket may help but ultimately this appears to be a psychological problem and a lack of confidence and fear that you will get through the night? Do they know just how bad things get at night for you?
Honestly Pulisa you really made some interesting points here (I'm aware that sounds smart-ass but it's not meant to be. You've really made me think about things!). My GP has a appointment free Friday and I'm waiting to hear back from therapist- so hoping to get on a good path again soon! Yes they are aware, they really try to work on it with me but things are still hard. Like I try- yet as I type this I'm fully breathless and feel like I'm going to pass out! It's a daily struggle again :(
You must expect to feel breathless at night now so it's a self-fulfilling prophecy? I used to have a real problem with concentrating on my breathing and then not feeling able to breathe at all-not being able to let it go and allow myself to breathe naturally. It's still lurking when I think about it.The fact is that when you do actually sleep it's a huge relief as you don't have to think about breathing anymore..which shows that the problem is psychological rather than physical.
I'm glad you will be seeing your GP on Friday-you certainly need more support from both her and your therapist xx
You must expect to feel breathless at night now so it's a self-fulfilling prophecy? I used to have a real problem with concentrating on my breathing and then not feeling able to breathe at all-not being able to let it go and allow myself to breathe naturally. It's still lurking when I think about it.The fact is that when you do actually sleep it's a huge relief as you don't have to think about breathing anymore..which shows that the problem is psychological rather than physical.
I'm glad you will be seeing your GP on Friday-you certainly need more support from both her and your therapist xx
Hi Pulisa, I totally agree with you about the whole breathing thing! It always feel worse when I think about it-like all things. My GP appointment was actually today! I got the dates mixed up and I was lucky it was in the evening so I had time to notice and not miss it! I've been kinda out of it. She spent 20 minutes just talking about my feelings and emotional being- she also took my pulse and said everything is fine. Which is hard to believe sometimes when I feel so bad! She took blood tests for my iron and b12 levels. It was a good talk but I'm exhausted now, which is to be expected from someone not sleeping alot and it as a long day! Thank you so much, Pulisa for taking the time to reply over and over again. Even though I'm not feeling great now, she kept telling me how far I've come. That I should be proud of myself- which feels hard to be sometimes!
I'm thinking maybe if I'm lacking iron or b12 it could be the cause of my faster heart rate maybe?
Just a little update, went to the restaurant (the same when I went to last week when I had the really bad epsoide) tonight and my heart race is pounding again plus feeling weak...but I'm managing it alot better and I feel like I'll be able to stomach food this time :)! It's the little things....hope I didn't speak to soon lol
You can do it, Sarah. You are a very brave person who takes on a lot and deserves happiness and success in life.
Take it slowly and steadily and always remember that these "little things" are so significant in recovery xx
Just an observation... The break you took from documenting your battle made a significant difference in your posts....
Positive thoughts
You can do it, Sarah. You are a very brave person who takes on a lot and deserves happiness and success in life.
Take it slowly and steadily and always remember that these "little things" are so significant in recovery xx
Thank you so much for the reply Pulisa! They are truly some wonderful words- you have no idea how much they mean to me. Thank you so much truly- plus dinner went good! Had a few shacky moments but got through it! Ate and all! Got some reflux from the pizza now but so glad I did it!
Just an observation... The break you took from documenting your battle made a significant difference in your posts....
Positive thoughts
Hi Fishmanpa,
Well when I wasn't online, I was with either my therapist or having to go to group session or intense meeting about my MH everyday. So I wasn't never really alone, I guess I'm using this as a semi lean post as I'm not as surrounded all the time now! Like I don't think I post as much as I used to either. Like I've had alot of worse moments I didn't post onto here, it's just I guess reading back as well I can all my ups and downs. I feel like I'm on a up again now? Maybe I'm speaking to soon.
I also was on medication that time- but for personal reasons I would not rather talk about why I'm not allowed it now when I'm not under supervision!
Sorry if this seemed snappy or rude?? I didn't mean for it to be! I was just trying to explain myself and my situation. Like I've said before, you have helped me in the last and I appreciate your comments and how you come at things!
Hi Fishmanpa,
Well when I wasn't online, I was with either my therapist or having to go to group session or intense meeting about my MH everyday. So I wasn't never really alone, I guess I'm using this as a semi lean post as I'm not as surrounded all the time now! Like I don't think I post as much as I used to either. Like I've had alot of worse moments I didn't post onto here, it's just I guess reading back as well I can all my ups and downs. I feel like I'm on a up again now? Maybe I'm speaking to soon.
I also was on medication that time- but for personal reasons I would not rather talk about why I'm not allowed it now when I'm not under supervision!
Sorry if this seemed snappy or rude?? I didn't mean for it to be! I was just trying to explain myself and my situation. Like I've said before, you have helped me in the last and I appreciate your comments and how you come at things!
You're not being rude. I don't think anyone knew exactly why you took a break and what you were doing during it. I'm just affirming that you sounded more positive and rational and yes, you're making progress and I've noted that previously. Recognize that and keep up the battle. Despite the challenges you face with your mental health, you're one that actually tries to do something about it and I personally admire that fortitude.
Positive thoughts
You're not being rude. I don't think anyone knew exactly why you took a break and what you were doing during it. I'm just affirming that you sounded more positive and rational and yes, you're making progress and I've noted that previously. Recognize that and keep up the battle. Despite the challenges you face with your mental health, you're one that actually tries to do something about it and I personally admire that fortitude.
Positive thoughts
I guess I always worry about how tone comes across when typing something and not actually saying it! I very much take all of your words and advice on board. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my ramble of replies! I do rant on sometimes! I guess with my mental health, I know what terrible it can be when I don't work with it. It's my life and I've got to do the best to live it- even if sometimes it's really shit and I do have down points but healing isn't linear! I'll get back to a good place again there might be more episodes in the future but I will deal with those when they come along!
Whatever helps you x
Thank you Scass xxx
While I still have issues with racing heart and having difficultly in public- I'm slowly trying to get myself into it again. Today I went back to see my physio for the first time in like seven months- as I want to get back into some the sports I used to take part in. (I had a horrible back accident and it leads to issues but I'm hoping to deal with it more.) I think I'll be stiff for a few days but I'm so glad I went!
I'm also going to a spa day at the end of the week with my cow-workers- a gift from our boss for all the work we did around a event. I didn't know if I'd be able, that I would back out but I'll looking forward to it now :)!
Also dealing with the racing heart better, I'm not trying to focus on it all the time or try to work out how fast it's going. My gp isn't worried and I shouldn't be either. Hey ho, I've been freaking about it for months and I'm still kicking! So moving along :)! I'm even having it tonight- but I'm trying to remind myself of certain factors to lead to this- one it's night time. My anxiety is worse- two it's always worse in winter, three I'm alone and four it's storming outside. So those are all good reasons!
Awake from sleep to a quite intense and upsetting nightmare, feeling very heavy limbed and off right now. Feeling like I'm falling through my own body (a phrase I is in therapy and I cant explain well.) I've been awake since 4am ish? Just in a total state, I've manged to come around Abit and I didn't need to take xanna but worried about feeling off the rest of the day now
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