View Full Version : Stag do Nightmare - I don’t want to go.
I am meant to be going on my brothers stag do to magaluf on the first weekend of June. I’m his best man. Himself and all of his mates are really looking forward to it except for me. I suffer from anxiety and OCD and I’m dreading every aspect of this trip, from waiting in the airport, the flights, being out there in an unfamiliar place, drinking alcohol. All these things can make my anxiety and OCD really bad and the truth is I really really don’t want to go!!! It has been organised since Jan, luckily his two best mates did most of the organising, and instead of holding my hands up then and saying I wont be able to come abroad, I said nothing and went a long with it. Too scared to dissapoint people and too embarrassed to admit things. Now that we are less than two weeks away It is all I can think about and it’s making me sick. I can’t concentrate on work, its all I think about. I really just want to tell my brother how I’m feeling and that I don’t want to go but i think he’ll be very disappointed and I feel really selfish. So to add to the anxiety, I am feeling selfish and guilty and it is really getting me down. What would you do? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks
ankietyjoe
28-05-19, 17:57
Doesn't matter what we'd do tbh. It's really up to you. But..
First of all, if you do, don't drink. There's no law that says you have to. It will make matters worse.
Secondly, tell your Brother at the very least. It's always a massive relief when somebody else knows.
When I was in my early 20s I didn’t go to my best friends hen weekend because of my anxiety. I was her bridesmaid too. 20 years later I don’t particularly regret it, but I wish I had been the type of person that just did things & enjoyed them.
You don’t have to go, or you can go and not do all the typically laddy things that some of the others are doing. There may even be others there that don’t want to do them either., but yes, find a way to explain to your brother how you feel. He might just be happy if you’re happy. Don’t feel guilty, it just adds to the pressure.
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Don't predict that your brother will be disappointed in a negative way? Talk to him and tell him how you feel? The important thing is that he has chosen you as his Best Man and this doesn't mean compulsory attendance at his Stag do but it does mean that he wants you by his side at his wedding (hopefully on "home" soil?!)
He wouldn't want you to suffer. Talk to him as soon as you can? Not all of us enjoy these things and it's ok to admit it because I bet others are dreading it too.
Some really good comments on here, thank you so much. Scass I totally wish I was the type of person to go and just enjoy things. All his mates in the group chat are saying how “messy” it’s going to be and how great it will be, all the while I’m thinking of anything to get out of going.
I know I should tell him but I’m worried he’ll get really p*ssed off with me for dropping out less than 2 weeks before going, plus I don’t think he quite gets the whole mental health thing. He’s a bit of a “just think positively” type of guy and that he’ll probably think I’m chosing all this for myself. I wish I wasn’t like this and I would love just to go and celebrate my brothers stag do care free, instead the thought of it and the thought of being anxious the whole time is almost bringing me to tears.
I can imagine just how you feel because I know I'd be the same. If you didn't have anxiety...would you really, really want to go. Anxiety is making your choices for you. It shouldn't, but we are all guilty.
anticipatory anxiety about a future event is always far worse than the reality of it. If you do decide to go, I agree, dont get yourself bladdered. It will make things worse. Not everyone gets drunk even though that's the intention. My son has been to several stag weekends and has come back saying he stayed pretty much sober.
Yeah you’re right darksky. I know that’s what I’d need to do if I went, but all his mates love a good “session” on the drink. And If i went And didn’t drink, there’s probably no point in me being there anyway. After a rough night with anxiety and panic attacks I’ve made the decision to tell my brother I wont be able to go. I feel really selfish but if I went and was anxious it would just spoil it for everyone especially my dad who will worry about me. I’m dreading telling him but I get a huge sense of relief when I think I’m not going to go. Just hope my brother and dad understand and take it ok.
Yes I agree with Darksky about the anticipatory anxiety aspect but if you are making yourself ill with worry then you have to talk to your brother and tell him you are struggling but don't want to "let him down". It's very easy to "think positive" when you don't have mental health issues but he may have greater empathy than you think?There is so much written about mental health these days and he could well be very supportive. I think you have to take the risk and tell him about your torment and guilt about fear of letting him down?
Yeah you’re right darksky. I know that’s what I’d need to do if I went, but all his mates love a good “session” on the drink. And If i went And didn’t drink, there’s probably no point in me being there anyway. After a rough night with anxiety and panic attacks I’ve made the decision to tell my brother I wont be able to go. I feel really selfish but if I went and was anxious it would just spoil it for everyone especially my dad who will worry about me. I’m dreading telling him but I get a huge sense of relief when I think I’m not going to go. Just hope my brother and dad understand and take it ok.
I really hope you get some peace now.
Hi Humph,
My social anxiety isn't as bad as it was, but it still flares up occasionally and it can be absolutely crippling - when I was younger, I was supposed to study for a year in France and I ran away after six days! So, from experience, it's fine to push your boundaries but it's absolutely okay to have limits - if there's something you're absolutely, completely dreading and the worry about it is ruining your life, it's completely okay to bow out gracefully. That way, you won't have to feel ill any more and you can be happy (which you completely deserve to be!). Additionally, it probably wouldn't be a great experience for your brother if you were there and panicky/miserable.
Self-care is a good thing!
Wishing you all the best.
Thank you, Pulisa! I have a lot of experience of wussing out of things :shades:
Thanks so much everyone for the supporting messages. Completely agree with pulisa, what a lovely post blueiris. Thankyou!! I’m just dreading coming across as selfish. I should have said something much earlier so that my dad could have maybe got someone else to go in my place, as my Dad doesn’t know many of my brothers mates so I think he would have been glad I was going. Kind of feel like i’m letting him down the most! The relief i’m feeling of the thought of not going is huge, even after a rough night and feeling rubbish I’m still feeling really positive and happy now im not going!
So glad you're doing better - it's a great feeling, isn't it?
A few weeks back I accidentally got myself into a position where I was working all week, then doing things Friday night, Saturday and Sunday. Didn't take long for me to start feeling queasy about it, because I know I need my downtime. I left it a while and tried to convince myself I'd manage, but I was feeling wretched about the whole business.
So, on the Friday, I thought hard about what I was dreading the most and simply cancelled that. I lost a tiny bit of money but it was well worth it because it meant I could really enjoy the stuff I did do.
Nice 1 Blueiris good for you. Glad you were able to cancel what was causing you stress and now you feel better. Guess our situations aren’t all that different! It is a great feeling but will feel even better once I’ve told them I’m not going. Really nervous about it. I just hope they’re not too p**sed off with me!
Crossing fingers for you - let us know how you get on?
Oh, and feel free to message me about social anxiety stuff if you ever want to :)
I think often we try to soldier on, anxious not to let people down. We need to think about ourselves a bit more, cut ourselves some slack. For our own well being sometimes we just need to step back. If you have made the decision not to go and are feeling really happy, you have made the right decision for yourself at the moment.
remember your brother loves you, brothers do, although they would never tell each other. He would not want you to be anxious as hell and panicking all weekend. Just tell him, explain it all. Just tell him, it's just too much for you at the moment. I couldn't do it so you're very much not alone in feeling this way.
MyNameIsTerry
29-05-19, 14:01
Look at it from another angle.
Perceived let down - stag do.
Fully supported - wedding, reception, everything else about his life after that.
Whilst it's a disappointment it's only one thing and to honest they are all likely to be so bladdered a lot of it is going to be a blur. The greater part of the whole wedding is what you are doing.
Thanks Blueiris, I really appreciate that. I wouldn’t say I suffer from social anxiety per se but being away from home in a different country, getting on plains, drinking excessive amounts of alcohol (I know just don’t drink but easier said than done in that situation) and being with unfamiliar people just send my anxiety out of control. I get anxious just thinking about it!
You’re dead right darksky - i’ve been soldiering on since we booked the trip in January- telling myself I’ll be fine and I have no choice but to go as I’m the best man and it will upset people if I don’t go, feeling trapped! it’s ruined this first half of the year for me, thinking about it. And now that it’s less than two weeks away I can’t pretend any more, I have to be honest with myself and the others.
Very good point Mynamelsterry- when you put it like that the stag do is just a small part of the bigger picture. I just don’t know if my anxiety is making this situation a lot worse in my head. I’m having visions of my parents and brother kicking off big style with me, and not talking to me for a while. The relief and happiness has quickly been replaced with a sick anticipation of what is yet to come when I confess to the truth. But however it pans out I’m not going now and that’s the main thing I hope.
I hope it goes ok for you. Point out, like Terry said, you will be there for the wedding and for the rest of his life but this is just too much for your anxiety.
fingers crossed, let us know how it pans out.
Will do Darksky thank you! And thank you all so so much for the support!
Quick update - I’ve arranged to see my brother on Sunday. It’s the earliest he could see me as he’s working all weekend. Literally shaking like a leaf when texting him to arrange seeing him. I feel so guilty as he doesn’t have a clue up to now. I feel like such a sh*tty person. Now I just have to think how I’m going to word it.
Midnight-mouse
29-05-19, 20:10
Quick update - I’ve arranged to see my brother on Sunday. It’s the earliest he could see me as he’s working all weekend. Literally shaking like a leaf when texting him to arrange seeing him. I feel so guilty as he doesn’t have a clue up to now. I feel like such a sh*tty person. Now I just have to think how I’m going to word it.
What I’ve found to be best is being very honest, explain how you’ve been feeling and the knock on effects it’s been having. Be open about our struggles really helps others understand. I hid it and made excuses for years and it got me absolutely nowhere.
You’re not a bad person for having limits, every one does. One person may find that their limits are in travelling and the situation you’ve been dreading, another might not be able to walk over a bridge, go swimming etc - we all have our limits and things that we fear. It’s just unfortunately when the person also has mental illnesses our fears can be varied, illogical (as is most fear mind you!) and extremely difficult to face but there’s never shame or guilt to be had than being honest when you’ve reached you limit.
Positive vibes,
Mouse
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Thanks mouse. I plan on being as honest as I can, even though I really find it difficult opening up anout my mental issues, even to my wife. But you’re right hiding things gets you nowhere. I’ve already been hiding it and look where that’s got me. I guess I feel like a bad person for leaving it ‘til the last minute to drop out instead of saying I wouldn’t be able to go when his mates were organising it in January. I just didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of people I don’t know by admitting my problem. Which is a bit ironic as i’ll be more embarrassed now when they realise I’m not there and start asking why.
Positive vibes back at you :)
Midnight-mouse
29-05-19, 21:08
Thanks mouse. I plan on being as honest as I can, even though I really find it difficult opening up anout my mental issues, even to my wife. But you’re right hiding things gets you nowhere. I’ve already been hiding it and look where that’s got me. I guess I feel like a bad person for leaving it ‘til the last minute to drop out instead of saying I wouldn’t be able to go when his mates were organising it in January. I just didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of people I don’t know by admitting my problem. Which is a bit ironic as i’ll be more embarrassed now when they realise I’m not there and start asking why.
Positive vibes back at you :)
It’s difficult but I think that opening up and admitting how we are feeling with our illnesses is often the first step to accepting them in our lives and learning how best to deal with them in the long run, plus it’s always a benefit to have real life people on our side that understand what we’re facing. It helps us to move forwards, I’ve gained more progress in my battle while being honest for a short amount of time than I did in the years of hiding it.
If it helps take points from how you described it to us to help you talk with your brother, be open with him. I honestly think that everyone will understand much more, you wouldn’t be embarrassed about any other illness or physical injuries so I would try not to think that way about mental illnesses.
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Yeah you’re completely right. I need to practice what I preach as I always say mental illness is no different to physical illness, just wish everyone else thought the same. That’s a really good idea taking points from describing on here to talk to my brother. It’s always easier explaining things to strangers haha. I’m completely overwhelmed by the amount of support I’ve recieved too. Thank you
Well even though we're all strangers, the crucial thing is, each and every one of us can identify with what you're saying. The fears, the symptoms, the dispair, we've all been there. We get it.
Well even though we're all strangers, the crucial thing is, each and every one of us can identify with what you're saying. The fears, the symptoms, the dispair, we've all been there. We get it.
And it’s just so nice that you’vr all taken the time out of your days to read my post and offer advice an support. Certainly doesn’t make you feel so alone with things!
You're welcome and I hope you'll stay on the forum after this is over. There's always someone reaching out for help.
Without a doubt! More than happy to offer support and advice where I can to others who need it.
MyNameIsTerry
30-05-19, 03:42
It's natural to feel bad about letting someone down, even someone who is a stranger. It just says you aren't a selfish person. But we do suffer from over kicking ourselves and build it up more than it is.
It's better to be caring and considerate than a selfish person who would just let him down without a care due to being detached or self absorbed.
He's going to be disappointed because he wants you there to enjoy it with him but if he cares about you he will put them behind him and show concern for your health.
Yeah you’re right mynamelsterry, i’ve done nothing but kick myself since making the decision. I can’t help but think how big of a disappointment I’m being. I have my parents coming over today so I can break the news to them. Especially for my Dad’s sake really. I’m sick with nerves.. I just keep playing the secenario of me telling them over and over in my head and all the ways they could respond negatively to me. I really really hope they don’t because the amount of beating myself up I’m doing, I don’t need the 3rd degree from anyone else! Wish me luck 😞
Wishing you all the luck in the world.
I really doubt your parents will be overly disappointed in you missing the stag do. The important thing for them will be the wedding, which you are going to. They will be far more concerned with how ill this is making you feel.
this is anticipatory anxiety you are feeling now, always, always far worse than the event.
good luck but I'm sure you won't need it.
You are predicting what will happen and they will probably be very laid back about it. Why wouldn't they be? Why would they be disappointed if you are making yourself ill with worry about the fear of going?
Well guys I did it and you were all completely right!!! They came over and I just broke down. I told them everything, they couldn’t have been more supportive. I explained how I felt and they just wished I’d said something sooner. My dad admitted he’s not that looking forward to it either so think he’s a bit disappointed i’m not going to be there for company but he said I have to think of myself in this situation. I had planned on telling my brother face to face tomorrow but I was in such a state my mam phoned him there and then to tell him, he couldn’t have been more supportive either and completely undertood. He’s having an at home stag do in July so I’ll be going to that one. I feel so much relief, wish I’d said something sooner but was kidding myself that I’d be ok and couldn’t let people down. Still feeling a bit bad for my dad and now a bit embarrassed that all my bro’s mates are going to know I’m not going, but all in all feel really happy and relieved. Thank you all so very much for the advice and support you’ve sent me over these last few days. I’ll definitely stick around and give back. Thank you 😊
Humph, it's really fantastic when people listen and engage. Most of us have been in a similar situation one way or other, and I know how guilt inducing it can feel to try and back out. You've done the right thing, though, and I know you're going to be a fantastic best man and a great brother-in-law.
Thank you blueiris that’s a really nice thing to say. Really appreciate that!
Am so pleased that it's all turned out well for you!
Midnight-mouse
02-06-19, 10:15
I’m so glad that you’re family were understanding. You did brilliantly to open up and share with them the way you did, I know it wasn’t easy.
How are you feeling today?
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Thanks mouse! It wasn’t easy at all. I didn’t know what to do with myself when I was waiting for them to come over. But once I opened up I just felt a huge sense of relief. Today I feel great! Like I feel a sense of calmness and peace. Like these first 5 months I’ve been constantly worried about the stag do and all of a sudden that worry has vanished.
Midnight-mouse
02-06-19, 10:54
Thanks mouse! It wasn’t easy at all. I didn’t know what to do with myself when I was waiting for them to come over. But once I opened up I just felt a huge sense of relief. Today I feel great! Like I feel a sense of calmness and peace. Like these first 5 months I’ve been constantly worried about the stag do and all of a sudden that worry has vanished.
That’s great Humph! You should feel proud of what you did in opening up, it took me a long time to be more open about what I’m feeling, especially the more illogical and intrusive thoughts I have (certainly not saying you’ve been illogical at all!) I still struggle a little at times because I’m embarrassed by some of the things I worry about but honestly when it comes down to it the people that matter have always understood and been more than accommodating even when I could of been taken as insulting. It’s been such a help in me getting to a point of stability (well most of the time ;) ) I think mainly because in talking openly and honestly it helps to normalise what’s happening to us and in that it does get built up in our minds as much, making it much easier to accept and work through.
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Oh you did brilliantly, well done. Now that you’ve started talking, Make sure you carry on. Your parents sound wonderfully supportive & I bet they want to help you as much as possible.
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:yesyes: Brilliant. 5 months of worrying gone in 1/2 hour. There's got to be a lesson in there somewhere. :D
Seriously though, now you can relax and enjoy the wedding. I bet you feel great now all the worry has gone.
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