View Full Version : My thoughts on recovery
This is my first post here and my first visit to this site and the reason for my visit is simple. I am going to recover.
I am constantly reading up, browsing the web and seeking help and opinions from anywhere I can to make this happen.
It has seemed to take me ages to suddenly realise that I need to tackle my illness and over the last few weeks I have gone from a guy who just accepted that I was ill and that was that. BUT GUESS WHAT! This damn illness can be cured, I can get better and I bloody well will.
I am writing this in a hope that I may be able inspire some of you all to stop accepting that anxiety will always be part of your life and try to cure it for yourself. I spent almost 10 years seeking out that magic switch that will turn off those terrible feelings. New doctors, new meds, new home and even new shoulders to cry on but I have found that that switch does not exist and the only way I can rid myself of this awful state is to do it myself in my head, in my heart and in my soul.
I first started to suffer when I was about 19 after a bad LSD trip opened a secret door and showed me true fear. Since that day I have lived with a constant worry that those feelings I found would return with full force and they did just that. Daily I have battled the sick stomach, the electric buzz in my body, jelly like legs and always fighting back tears. I have stopped flying abroad for holidays and that fear of being enclosed in an aircraft has evolved into an inherent fear of holidays. I am mad aren't I?
How can a holiday frighten you? Well I must have developed a nasty habit of associating holidays with worry and now when my wife counts down the days to a well earned break I count down the days to what I expect to be one massive anxiety attack. When the day comes I feel sick but it always passes and I have a good time so now I remind myself that the attack will pass and that really helps.
Whenever I had panic attacks I used to think " oh my god here it comes, I am going mad, I will never be well again.....this is it for the rest of my life" BUT it always gets better. ALWAYS. And now I am beginning to believe it and I think that is the key. Belief.
Now when 'it' comes I let those first few feelings do their worst and try not to add any more fear to it. I have come to learn that if I fuel this fire it will only rage for longer and with more force. I am my own worst enemy and I am making myself the way I am. I know how incredibly difficult it is to ignore 'those' feelings and not react to them, after all many of us know only a difficult sense of being and cannot remember how it feels to be normal. But just try this;
When you suddenly get that wave wash over you or that sudden rush that feels like all hell is about to break loose and you just know you 'have go to get outta here' let it happen. Let it rip through your body and know that it will not kill you. DO NOT FEAR IT. It is your own fear that makes us so ill. We are all hurting ourselves so much and we need to accept that the feelings we get are all natural sensations that everybody gets from time to time but is how we react to them that differentiates between suffering and peace.
I will get better - You can too. Believe it and it will happen as the only cure lies inside us and no one else can give it to you. I am searching and it may take years for me to fully recover but recover i will !
hya jonny,
YES, you are on the way to beating your illness,you have the right approach,and attitude,in fact to do most anything.
a few weeks ago ,i read an article by a man that actually did conquer his panic,and anxiety,and his attitude was similar to yours.
when he felt a panic coming on,he wouls shout...COME ON BOY,COME AND GET ME...DO YOUR WORSE,he would do this for months,and the attacks slowly got less,and less...so much so,that he would try to bring on a panic,just so he could show it WHO WAS BOSS.
his last attack was over five years ago,and i feel with your attitude,that your going to be another success story.
keep posting here jonny,and good luck...bryan.
GOOD LUCK JONNY,
I WAS READ YOUR POST WITH A HUGE SMILE ON MY FACE..YES YES YES
SOME DAYS I WAKE UP WITH THAT ATTITUDE AND THINK I WILL NOT BE BLOODY BEATEN AND THEN I HAVE A BAD COUPLE OF DAYS AND THINK AM I NEVER GOING TO BEAT THIS.
I KNOW IT IS A SLOW ROAD BUT SMALL STONES MAKE A HOUSE TOO!!
SO JONNY I AM GOING TO JOIN YOU AND SAY I WON'T HAVE THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I WILL BEAT IT AND I WILL COME OUT A STRONGER PERSON
WISH ME LUCK AND I TAKE CARE
LOL
LUCKY
well said lucky !!,
your a star in the making,be positive,think positive,and surround yourself with positive people.read everything radar says,and then read it again,and again !
concentrate on your breathing,even when your feeling relaxed,so that it becomes second nature to you...try tai-chi,its been going thousands of years,and is one of the best ways to relax,and will give you more energy.
but above all, believe in yourself,the cure is in your hands,and since ive known you,i have seen a difference,your coming out of yourself more,your slowly showing signs of inner confidence.
yes lucky,your right ,you can get better,and you will get better....bryan
EVERY DAY,IN EVERY WAY,YOUR GOING TO GET BETTER,AND BETTER .
quote:Originally posted by Lucky
A HUGE SMILE ON MY FACE..YES YES YES
wish i had this effect on all the ladies!
Jonny
Good luck mate. Your approach is, I think, one of the best ones. Get so p***ed off at the state we get ourselves into, for no rational reason, and refuse to put up with it any longer! "Feel the fear and do it anyway", "The best way is always through" - they may be from my Book of Anxiety Cliches, but there's some truth to them.....
jim
Dear Jonny,
It will not take you years to recover...With that sort of determination you're already well on the way there.
Self belief is so important and as you say - It always gets better. Get a mantra fixed in your mind and use it continuously.
Figure out what images, thoughts, sounds, etc set you off and change the thoughts surrounding those triggers - thus not even getting to panic point and avoiding the 'wave' at all.
It's the self-perpetuating, spiralling negative thoughts that do us the most harm of all. This is true of panic, OCD, HA, social anxiety, depression - in fact most of the neuroses.
Keep us posted on your progress please. I'm sure you will inspire many others on your journey - any sniff of progress from one person is a huge bite of encouragement to all other persons still striving to take the first steps alone.
It has been truly the hardest yet ironically the most rewarding thing I've ever done.
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
nomorepanic
03-11-03, 22:18
Hi jonny
Great story and so positive. I am sure you will soon be fully recovered with an attitude like that. I was "nearly" cured but am suffering a set-back, but I will get there again!
Thanks for the positive post :-)
Nicola
oh my god i sound like something out of 'WHEN HARRY MET SALLY'
LOL
LUCKY
Thanks guys for all the support - it gives me a warm feeling to know that i am not, as i sometimes believe, all alone in my fight.
Isn't it strange that we all seem to know exactly what we need to do to break this illness but we all find it so difficult to accomplish? I am 100% sure that positivity is the key to moving forward but it seems oh so hard to do. Sometimes i find myself not wanting to recover for fear of having nothing else in my life. Does anyone else feel this way? Kinda like your illness is the biggest part of everything and to be without it seems just as scarey as living with it.
Jesus, now i am crazy!!!!
I have just started seeing a quack who seems ok (for £80 an hour i hope he is) and i will surely keep you all posted on how i do. Next session is on friday providing my health insurance comes up trumps so i will have more to say then.
Does anyone else suffer badly with depression? Sometimes i feel quite happy and would be fine if it wasn't for the anxiety and other days i have no anxiety but i just wanna cry.
Is this a common pattern?
Chin up guys
Jonny
Hi Jonny, just been reading your last post and know exactly what you mean regarding the scared to lose the panic feelings.It DOES sound a daft thing to say but maybe having to live as a "normal" person again is as frightening as being a panicker just because we would be taking on a role which has been so alien to us for such a long time, and caused us such great anxiety.However, given the choice,and a magic wand!, we would still want our old pre panic lives back, preferably without all the hard work needed to obtain a cure. What are your thoughts on this, Jonny?
I first started with a panic attack which went undiagnosed and then moved onto depression. I suffer most with anxiety at present but the depression is always there as well.I am like you, some days coping and fairly happy other days crying at everything and anything, there seems no pattern.
well, hope my post has been of some help to you, Jonny. Keep posting! Kate
On constulting the official figures 65 % of people with longstanding anxiety and panic develop depression over time.
Jonny - you are absolutely correct with the positivity but in order to get there you need to add in great lashings of belief too. We can all talk the talk but to recover you actually need to walk the walk too.
As for life after anxiety - wow , just think of all the wonderful time you'll have on your hands to use for you in any way you want to !!
I do hope your £ 80 a session doc is helpful . Feed it back to us . Makes it more value for money.
Meg
Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...
Hi Kate,
I have depression too - I think I started with depression, then developed anxiety but to me they're practically interchangeable now. It makes it hard to take those bits of advice about rewarding yoursef or the importance of 'play' to counteract stress. I find having a warm, bubbly bath in the evening one of the best things I can do for myself.
Theresa
Hi Theresa,
When I was seeing the therapist she was always saying be good to yourself, reward yourself for any small thing.I used to say to her that I had achieved nothing that week to which she would reply " You got up didnt you? " "You went to the shop didnt you?" The point being that, no matter what you have done, however small, it is still an achievement. The therapist asked me to buy myself a well done card and write it to myself, just as a pat on the back for small achievements, and also to treat myself to say a bunch of flowers. Try it, Theresa, and keep re reading the card to yourself.
Kate
quote:Originally posted by Radar
I do hope your £ 80 a session doc is helpful . Feed it back to us . Makes it more value for money.
Meg
HA! Freeloader!!!! lol
I'll tell you what, we can set up a fund and everyone can chip in and i will use it trying out different remedies!! Hows that? Maybe i will just use to reward myself :D
But seriously in response to Kate - Given the choice i would wave that wand to opt for a normal life, whatever that means. Maybe it was just the anxiety in me showing through a little there....I acn remember once thinking whatever would i do if i gave up smoking and now i dont miss it in the slightest.
I would love evryones advice on one thing if i could.... How do i keep my relationship together? How do i get partner who i love so much to understand what is going on in my head. I know i drive her crazy.... thoughts anyone?
Jonny
Hi Jonny
I still dont think my husband understands (in fact i know he doesnt), but he tries very hard to. He once asked me exactly how i felt and the best i could do was describe my feelings and tell him that i dont panic because im consiously scared of anything , its almost like my body panics as and when it likes...sometimes for no apparent reason. When he looked confused and looked like i thought he was going to tell me i was crazy i told him that i would gladly give up 10 years of my life if he could only feel how i feel for just one hour! A bit dramatic i know but it soon shut him up and he's been a lot more understanding since.He still gets frustrated and i see the dissapointment in his face when i dont want to go out sometimes but he no longer makes a fuss or pressures me.
Love Sarah
quote:Originally posted by sarah
He still gets frustrated and i see the dissapointment in his face when i dont want to go out sometimes but he no longer makes a fuss or pressures me.
Love Sarah
Thats good, at least he understands a little. If only he realized that woth 100% understanding and support your recovery would probably be so much easier.
Sometimes i wish my partner would experience anxiety for a while so she knew what it was all about but then i slap myself and remember that i would not wish it upon my worst enemy!!
nomorepanic
04-11-03, 19:18
My partner is very understanding and has had to put up with a lot but the previous partner left me because of the panic - he said he couldn't cope with it anymore.
We just accept that I am like I am and I have limitations so we work round them. He is a lovely person and has always looked after me when I am down but like Sarah says, he will never REALLY understand how freaked out I get when I panic.
He is there for me though and that is all I can ask for really :-)
Nicola
OMG now you are really worrying me now Nic, there is no way i want my better half walking out on me! But then again i know i have a good 'un so i am sure she will stick around.
Its so hard, i battle through and try to make sure she has the best life i can give even when i wanna curl up and die. I know one day everything will be great because i will have beaten this thing forever but until that comes i just want to keep her happy. She deserves to be happy to make up for the years of misery i have put her through, i was thinking about suprising her with a weekend break for her and her sister ( i could never go!! lol). She needs it and her sister does so much for us too.
nomorepanic
04-11-03, 20:48
Jonny
That sounds really nice - I buy Alex things to just say "thanks for looking after me" and I get lots of those soppy cards - lol.
They put up with a lot don't they?
If we look after them they will look after us too :-)
Nicola
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