View Full Version : Why can't I stop torturing myself? HIV again:-(
Hi
I have HA and a complete phobia of HIV. Currently have gastric issues so trying not to panic and failing badly.
I'm 2 months into a new relationship, and last night I had full sex for the first time. We didn't use a condom and now I am really scared I have put myself at risk.
The man I am seeing seems really nice, but he didn't want to use a condom, and in the end I went with it (he said he hates condoms, and wanted t feel me). I have had loads of tests in the past, and have been single for quite a number of years. I told myself that I would never have unprotected sex again, so I am mortified that I did, and now I will be punished.
We did talk about things and he said he was clean, and tries hard to reassure me, is a blood donor, and hasn't had sex for over 2 years. He seems really nice, and caring, but he just doesn't seem to get my HIV fear, and thinks I just don't trust him.
I feel angry with myself that as in the past, I have put myself last ( I have a bad track record for abusive relationships).
A big part of me wants to end the relationship, as it feels too hard,and I know he is starting to think I am a little unhinged.
how can I gain some perspective? should I just have walked away when he didn't want too use a condom?
Thank you
---------- Post added at 07:13 ---------- Previous post was at 07:00 ----------
Just wanted to add that in all other aspects, he has been a perfect gentleman : insists on paying for dinner, kind, thoughtful. Talks about the future, etc..
If he's a blood donor then there's 0% risk. For him to hold that card proves it.
Positive thoughts
Oh, thank you Fishmanpa, your reply has made me cry.
He did offer to show me his cards, so I will try to get him to bring them. I'm not very good at insisting on things, I suppose I am scared I am sabotaging the relationship, or offending. But I need to put myself first sometimes.
He works as an engineer at a medical machinery lab. A lot of them voluntarily donate blood there too to test the diabetes devices they have developed. He did offer to bring me a print out from that next time.
I am freaking out so much, because some years ago I was sexually assaulted, and went through hell with this fear I told myself I would never put myself at risk again, so I have failed.
Thank you again.
---------- Post added at 07:41 ---------- Previous post was at 07:39 ----------
Fishmanpa
Just wanted to say I think you are an awesome man, with the time and trouble you take to reply and reassure people on this forum. You are almost a saint
Thank you so, so much
MyNameIsTerry
03-06-18, 11:18
Vaginal sex is also low risk compared to other forms of exposure, especially once:
https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/risk/estimates/riskbehaviors.html
An issue to address also is that you shouldn't feel pressurised into anything you are not comfortable with. He should respect this or accept sex may be off the menu. If he can't, or takes it personally about trust, then I would suggest the issue lies more with him.
It kind of surprises me that someone committed to giving blood, which is great, takes risks so easily just because they don't like condoms.
Thank you Terry
Once again, I have put myself last again. You are right,
AnxiousinCali
03-06-18, 16:54
I just want to echo MNIT's sentiments heartily. I'm so sorry you felt pressured like that - it's an awful experience. I think most women have been in your place and made similar decisions once in a while, so please don't be too hard on yourself. Just take more precautions next time!
If he's a blood donor he definitely wouldn't have anything like that, so try not to panic.
It is however very unfair he pressured you into sleeping with him without a condom. There's not really any reason to hate condoms unless you're alergic to them, and if you told him you have quite an intense fear of HIV it's pretty awful he still was adamant you didn't use one. That's something to talk about.
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Hi
Thanks for your replies, they really mean a lot to me.
I can't believe I have put myself in this position again.
The previous time, was as a result of being raped whilst unconscious through alcohol ( I rarely drink and I suspect my drinks were spiked). I never reported it or told anyone , and went through hell feeling guilty and thinking I had brought it on myself. I was anally raped, and was injured. I had never had anal sex in my life, so there is no way I could have consented. I just have no memory of it.
I did confide in my new man,and whilst he was very sympathetic, he didn't want to use a condom.
I have now gone from being absolutely smitten with this kind and gentle man, to wishing I could just run away and hide.
I should have said no, but I wanted to be wanted.
I think I am about to have a breakdown...
I felt like I had a golden ticket when I got the all clear last time, and I've thrown it away in a moment of weakness. I aam already counting down the 4 weeks til I can have a test. Maybe I am just paranoid. Sorry for rambling .
Thank you all again, I feel a little less alone xxx
I just want to pose another aspect that I take from this. You've been dating this man for two months. Two months of learning about each other and it seems apparent you both have feelings for each other, enough so as to want to be intimate ("being absolutely smitten with this kind and gentle man" is a big giveaway :winks:) . You obviously spoke about STDs or else the subject of a condom wouldn't have come up. I don't think he forced you. I believe it was quite consensual. He reassured you and more importantly, you trusted him enough to quell the fears you have. I think it's more than "wanting to be wanted". I think you wanted him too and there are feelings on both sides.
Now that it's over, your anxiety takes over and the doubts creep in. Perhaps you should have the "talk" again prior to being intimate. Have him show you the card (which is 100% proof or he couldn't donate) and then suggest you both get tested "together". You have feelings for him and if he's the kind and gentle man you claim him to be, that shouldn't be a problem whatsoever.
Positive thoughts
Hi fishmanpa
Absolutely I wanted him, I am not suggesting that it was anything other than consensual. We have been dating for 2 months as you say. A couple of times very recently we came close, and each time I asked him if he had a condom, and he said no, so we never "went all the way"
This last time I bought some condoms, but he did not want to use them. I know I should have just not gone ahead again, but I allowed it, so I have no-one to blame but myself.
Yes, we had quite a few conversations, and he said he would rather not have sex than use a condom. He also was rather put out that I was implying that he was promiscuous and I didn't trust him.
I so much want the relationship to work, but I feel like its just an impasse.
I did also suggest we both got tested the night before this all happened, and he said no, he didn't need to. So again, my fault for still letting passion cloud my judgement, and not staying within my (HA) limitations.
I am not trying to demonise him, honestly. I stand by what I said, the condom issue aside, he has been an absolute gentleman.
Inanna xx
---------- Post added at 06:26 ---------- Previous post was at 06:21 ----------
Hi Emmy
He does know I have an intense fear of HIV, but he is of the mind that I need to work on my mental health, and anxiety. He thinks I should trust him, he doesn't understand that its not about how I see him. I told him, for me, its about doing the right thing, so I feel safe.
On all other things we get on fabulously, so I feel like my anxiety is ruining everything,
---------- Post added at 06:27 ---------- Previous post was at 06:26 ----------
Thank you AnxiousCall
I won't be taking any more risks, I just can't live like this.
MyNameIsTerry
04-06-18, 06:38
I think he needs to be more receptive to what you want here. You have told him something very painful and whilst he was sympathetic he still decided his needs outweighed yours.
Maybe he didn't understand it properly, maybe you could have been clearer. You may have been, I'm just trying to understand whether he may not have understood quite as much as you assumed? Is that possible?
As far as condoms go, not liking them is irrelevant in 2018. Transmission of STIs is only one major reason to use them, another is pregnancy. Using condoms in new sexual relationships is quite reasonable and many women could have refused completely until the relationship had advanced to a stage where you both feel it's right.
A fresh chat seems the best thing. It's clearly triggering for you and as a caring partner that should be more important to him than whether he can have sex the way he wants to.
It's done now. But was it such a big mistake as you are feeling it is? Because of your past trauma it could be it has dredged up a lot of emotions that you are struggling to deal with and whilst you were persuaded at the time, the way you feel now may be out of proportion compared to how you felt then. However, that doesn't change my views on what I said earlier, I doubt any man likes wearing condoms.
Try to forgive yourself, we all make mistakes. What is important is learning from them and improving so that we move forward. That's where your energy is best used.
---------- Post added at 06:38 ---------- Previous post was at 06:32 ----------
This last time I bought some condoms, but he did not want to use them. I know I should have just not gone ahead again, but I allowed it, so I have no-one to blame but myself.
Yes, we had quite a few conversations, and he said he would rather not have sex than use a condom. He also was rather put out that I was implying that he was promiscuous and I didn't trust him.
I'm glad to hear he said he would rather not if he had to wear them but I'm also a bit dismayed by his attitude of putting pressure on when he knew the score.
Yes, you were persuaded. You are attracted to him and things happen but it's more your anxiety that is twisting that into something bigger than it is. Kicking ourselves for our perceived failures, when they are often far smaller than we believe, is common in these disorders. This can subside a bit as time passes and the negative thinking drifts back to something more positive/neutral so when things are less raw you may feel more objective about this.
He perhaps needs to remember that wearing a condom is a normal start to a sexual relationship. It's not an implication of a lack of trust. Like I said, it's a contraceptive measure too and his argument just doesn't stack up to that unless he believes the old fashioned belief of it being "the woman's responsibility". :unsure:
Absolutely what Terry has said.
I am sorry you are so upset, I’m upset reading this too. I think that for someone who has heard your deepest secrets, this man is alarming me with his disregard for your feelings.
Of course you shouldn’t have had unprotected sex if you knew how it would affect you, but - he should have been on your side. And I cannot stress that enough.
I don’t want to harp on about him too much though. But make him show you his proof if you’re going to have sex again, and if YOU choose not to use condoms.
What can you do now to work on your anxiety about this? Do you have steps in place already that maybe your current panic is stopping you from taking?
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MyNameIsTerry
04-06-18, 07:16
I just want to add, Inanna, only you know him. He may be a great guy, you mentioned your feelings for him and how he has been with you which suggests he is. We all have our flaws and we blokes are not always the sharpest tools (sometimes we're just "tools" :biggrin:) in the box when it comes to being considerate to women's feelings (a subject often terrifying to many a man making us want to hide :sofa:).
What happens is your decision. More understanding may mean he changes his view for you because he sees how it affects you. The relationship is the important part, you guys can work around this condom issue until it's no longer a problem either way and still be in a loving relationship, maybe even more so.
I just want to add, Inanna, only you know him. He may be a great guy, you mentioned your feelings for him and how he has been with you which suggests he is. We all have our flaws and we blokes are not always the sharpest tools (sometimes we're just "tools" :biggrin:) in the box when it comes to being considerate to women's feelings (a subject often terrifying to many a man making us want to hide :sofa:).
What happens is your decision. More understanding may mean he changes his view for you because he sees how it affects you. The relationship is the important part, you guys can work around this condom issue until it's no longer a problem either way and still be in a loving relationship, maybe even more so.
Yes this too. You are giving great advice today Terry [emoji4]
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ankietyjoe
04-06-18, 10:05
An issue to address also is that you shouldn't feel pressurised into anything you are not comfortable with. He should respect this or accept sex may be off the menu. If he can't, or takes it personally about trust, then I would suggest the issue lies more with him.
It kind of surprises me that someone committed to giving blood, which is great, takes risks so easily just because they don't like condoms.
Big +1
In any sexual relationship both people MUST consent completely and both be 100% happy with how it happens.
There is no reason for you to feel pressured into having sex without a condom if you don't want to, and he should not pressure you into doing so.
MyNameIsTerry
05-06-18, 02:38
Yes this too. You are giving great advice today Terry [emoji4]
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Thanks for your kind words, Scass. I think my inner woman must have been roaring http://yoursmiles.org/tsmile/kitten/t09123.gif (http://yoursmiles.org/t-kitten.php?page=4):D
To restore the balance I shall increase maleness, dribbling an egg bacon butty down my white vest and showing some buttock cleavage should do it http://yoursmiles.org/tsmile/monkey/t122005.gif (http://yoursmiles.org/t-monkey.php):yesyes:
WiseMonkey
05-06-18, 07:45
If you want to have sex without condoms then you need to both go and have an HIV test. Think of it as the next step in your relationship. You partner needs to have not had unprotected sex for 3 months before having the test (other than with you). If he has had unprotected sex within the last 3 months, then you both need to wait another 4 weeks.
Most Aids clinics do the tests that only take 20 mins to get the result and they test couples together. From then on you must both be monogamous. Good luck with it.
Hi fishmanpa
Yes, we had quite a few conversations, and he said he would rather not have sex than use a condom. He also was rather put out that I was implying that he was promiscuous and I didn't trust him.
To tell you the truth, that is a bit extreme (I mean, no one likes condoms much but this sounds pretty radical), so I think I know what can be the problem here, but for the life of me I don't know how to rely it to you without offending you...or him. My advice will be to talk to him again and this time to try to understand/find out why using condoms is so abhorrent to him - perhaps he will give you an answer himself.
Hi
Thank you all so, so much for replying.
Andrash, your comments have completely freaked me out. It sounds like you are saying he is dodgy.
I think I want out of the relationship, as we clearly have different ideas about things, and I can't cope with what he wants. I really really liked him though, it wasn't just casual, we waited two months.
What's done is done, and I can only pray that I get through the next month before I can take a test, and that it is negative. That's the only thing that would help right now.
I am actually feeling suicidal... I just can't stop the thoughts in my head, there is no escape.
I have two grown up kids though, so I am trying to hang on.
I xx
WiseMonkey
05-06-18, 10:30
Hi many of us have been through this dilemma at one stage or another, don't worry you will be fine :)
Hi
Thank you all so, so much for replying.
Andrash, your comments have completely freaked me out. It sounds like you are saying he is dodgy.
I will PM you.
EDIT: Just did.
Here's the thing. If you both feel the same way about each other and this is moving into a monogamous long term relationship then have the talk, get tested and be done with it. At that point, other than a pregnancy risk (which I assume is a no as you're not fearing pregnancy), why would he or you want him to wear a condom?
If your anxiety prevents you from doing so even knowing there's no risk, then yes, there is a problem that's beyond the surface that needs to be addressed professionally in real life.
Positive thoughts
Kingdawson
05-06-18, 12:45
Honestly speaking I am quite shocked at some of the responses on here.
How exactly did anyone get that he "pressured" her from the threadstarters initial post is beyond me. We all have the right to have preferences as to whether or not we use condoms and he is well within his right to state he doesn't like using them (even if most deem it risky/stupid whatever).
However what I can say is that their might be something more to his insistance to not wear a condom (not talking HIV which he clearly does not have if he owns a blood donor card). For him to say he would rather not have sex than to wear a condom is obviously OTT and I'm wondering if it's something regarding performance that he's worried about. A lot of guys can lose an erection when putting a condom on so maybe that's something that's on his mind thus also suffering from anxiety issues. I suggest you guys have a long open discussion about it.
Inanna I echo what the others have said (amazing responses Terry, BTW) that if sex is off the table if he has to use condoms, that's HIS problem and does not show proper respect to you as an equal individual in this relationship. To think he would make such a big deal out of using a condom is kind of beyond belief, at least to me.
I doubt very, very much that HIV is a concern as he has the blood donor card and is thus regularly tested via that process.
The bigger, overarching issue to me is his disrespect of your request to use them and basically trying to 'convince' you it's okay to go without. Him even going that one step further to try to get you to trust him and go without the condom seems to lack basic human respect for another person's valid and understandable request - i.e. first sex with a new partner and using protection. This is new relationship 101. Really.
In my past relationships I always asked for condom use until both of us were tested. End of story. You have nothing to feel badly about in terms of your own behavior. This is on him.
Kingdawson
05-06-18, 14:13
I think it's very dangerous when people use words like "pressured", or "pressurised" when the tone of the threadstarters original post doesn't really imply this.
The conversation could have easily been the threadstarter asking if he has a condom....him saying he doesn't have one on him and he doesn't want to use one....and threadstarter saying ok. It's not fair to instantly assume their was any pressuring.
Threadstarter as I've said there is no chance you have HIV based on him owning a blood donor card but you have to really decide where you go from here. What if he is insistant on not wearing a condom in the future? If it's a deal breaker then it should be discussed in an open and Frank conversation. Like I said previous, his insistance on not wearing one is probably an anxiety issue of his own.
MyNameIsTerry
05-06-18, 17:05
I think it's very dangerous when people use words like "pressured", or "pressurised" when the tone of the threadstarters original post doesn't really imply this.
The conversation could have easily been the threadstarter asking if he has a condom....him saying he doesn't have one on him and he doesn't want to use one....and threadstarter saying ok. It's not fair to instantly assume their was any pressuring.
Threadstarter as I've said there is no chance you have HIV based on him owning a blood donor card but you have to really decide where you go from here. What if he is insistant on not wearing a condom in the future? If it's a deal breaker then it should be discussed in an open and Frank conversation. Like I said previous, his insistance on not wearing one is probably an anxiety issue of his own.
Have you missed the OP's later post about how they have discussed this before and that she has requested use of condoms so he said he would rather not have sex? And perhaps the traumatic rape she suffered which has causes her issues with this? Or his stating her anxiety is irrational and shouldn't prevent "his" needs to not use a condom?
If you don't want to use the term "pressurised" then use "twisted her arm", "talked her into", etc but it amounts to the same thing really. She gave in and is now unhappy for doing so. Is he feeling any regret for how she now feels?
There is no implication of assault here merely what happens to a lot of women and has been forever, a man wanting something she is unsure about and pursuing his needs above hers. It should he mutual in that respect.
I think she needs to consider the possibility of her current feelings being quite raw and making decisions with emotional reasoning in play can be regretted later. If she forgives herself she may feel differently and there was obviously enough of a connection to be in this relationship.
As for pregnancy, an argument of it now being done doesn't change how pregnancy is always a factor to consider and this is a new relationship. A fresh appraisal should be given as to whether that stage comes now or later. And maybe that will involve him making a compromise rather than just her. A lack of fear of pregnancy doesn't mean couples shouldn't be careful, surely both partners taking precautions is the norm until the relationship moves to a stage where pregnancy wouldn't as much of an issue?
---------- Post added at 16:56 ---------- Previous post was at 16:46 ----------
To tell you the truth, that is a bit extreme (I mean, no one likes condoms much but this sounds pretty radical), so I think I know what can be the problem here, but for the life of me I don't know how to rely it to you without offending you...or him. My advice will be to talk to him again and this time to try to understand/find out why using condoms is so abhorrent to him - perhaps he will give you an answer himself.
Religion, feeling he isn't trusted, just doesn't like the feeling, thinks it's a harrier to "real sex", etc? There are various reasons why some don't like them and they've been heard for many years.
It doesn't have to be something radical. It's probably less common than it was though. When I was young the push for condom use was ramping up as it was when all the HIV/AIDS scaremongering was going on. Young lads used other things, pull out, etc and I think our attitudes were much different to later generations where it's just the norm. That's not to say those previous generations haven't educated themselves since their early days.
---------- Post added at 17:05 ---------- Previous post was at 16:56 ----------
How exactly did anyone get that he "pressured" her from the threadstarters initial post is beyond me. We all have the right to have preferences as to whether or not we use condoms and he is well within his right to state he doesn't like using them (even if most deem it risky/stupid whatever).
He's entitled to his beliefs but like any other sexual preference he's not entitled to get it. Forget STIs, what about pregnancy? Perhaps not in this case, as he does mention abstaining and seems to want a stable relationship, but it's irresponsible to me to throw precautions away simply out of preference.
Spin the situation the other way. How does he know she's clean? (No disrespect intended OP, I don't recall you mentioning showing any testing and him trusting you for being fine) so why would you risk your health, and not be able to donate your regular blood to help others, just for sex? There's no "most deem it risky" at all, our governments & health services know it's risky and have spent a lot of time & money changing attitudes in society for this reason.
Kingdawson
05-06-18, 18:38
Have you missed the OP's later post about how they have discussed this before and that she has requested use of condoms so he said he would rather not have sex? And perhaps the traumatic rape she suffered which has causes her issues with this? Or his stating her anxiety is irrational and shouldn't prevent "his" needs to not use a condom?
If you don't want to use the term "pressurised" then use "twisted her arm", "talked her into", etc but it amounts to the same thing really. She gave in and is now unhappy for doing so. Is he feeling any regret for how she now feels?
There is no implication of assault here merely what happens to a lot of women and has been forever, a man wanting something she is unsure about and pursuing his needs above hers. It should he mutual in that respect.
I think she needs to consider the possibility of her current feelings being quite raw and making decisions with emotional reasoning in play can be regretted later. If she forgives herself she may feel differently and there was obviously enough of a connection to be in this relationship.
As for pregnancy, an argument of it now being done doesn't change how pregnancy is always a factor to consider and this is a new relationship. A fresh appraisal should be given as to whether that stage comes now or later. And maybe that will involve him making a compromise rather than just her. A lack of fear of pregnancy doesn't mean couples shouldn't be careful, surely both partners taking precautions is the norm until the relationship moves to a stage where pregnancy wouldn't as much of .
I didn't miss any posts. The use of those words were before the threadstarter elaborated with later posts. That was the reaction to the initial post which did not indicate these strong accusations at all.
I just feel people shouldn't be so quick to judge in these type of situation particularly when it wasn't clear from the original post what the situation actually was or how it played out. Should be the exact same set of rules for men AND women.
I didn’t realise there were so many people that (like me) worries so much about HIV.
I’ve worried myself senseless for many years about it and after much stress went and got checked and it was all fine. From everything I read and from what the doctors said:
1) the chance of catching HIV in the UK is tiny for heterosexual people
2) it becomes more likely if you have regular anal sex or like it rough
3) if your boyfriend is bisexual or has been it is worth getting checked
4) if your boyfriend is from a high risk country it is worth getting checked
5) if your boyfriend pays for sex or has sex with African born women it is worth getting checked
6) if you or your boyfriend inject drugs it is worth getting checked.
The doctors are so confident that if you are low risk they will not issue PEP medicines following an exposure.
Hi all
Wow, what a lot of discussion here, thank you all for taking the time to give your thoughts.
As I said before, I am in no way trying to demonise this man, and I know that I am to blame, for caving in.
Just to be clear it went like this:
Last week, things got passionate, and before the line was crossed I asked if he had a condom, he said no, so I did not proceed,
On another evening I had a long discussion with him about my anxieties, and where they came from. He simply told me that I didn't need to worry, as he was healthy and a blood donor.
Second occasion, we stopped short when I asked if he had a condom and he said no.
Third occasion, I had actually bought some condoms, and asked if he would use one, he said no. Tried hard to reassure me, and that I am way too anxious and need to trust him. I also asked if he would be willing to go with me and we both get tested together, but he said he didn't need to. These discussions went on for a while, and I
started to think I was being unreasonable and unfair (he never suggested this, just that I was overly and unecessarily anxious),
When it came to the crunch, I allowed it (my fault), even though I was terrified and did not enjoy it. At the end I cried, because I knew I had been stupid and reckless.
I am not suggesting I was forced, and up to the point of actual intercourse, I was enjoying the intimacy.
I deeply regret being so weak, and not saying no. I am human, and fllawed, and I wanted him, and I wanted to make the relationship work. Now, I realise that was the woorst thing I could have done. I feel like the whole thing is broken, beyond repair, because I just feel disgusted.
MNIT -- thank you so,so much for your sage and kind words. You sound like a top bloke.
Red, thank you too for those facts, they are very reassuring.
I XX
PS -- there is no pregnancy question, I am sterile.
Please stop blaming yourself, it makes me want to give you a hug.
You made a decision, that doesn’t make you the awful person you seem to think you are. People make that decision every minute of every day. And we probably all completely understand that heat of the moment feeling.
I hope that if you both really like and value each other, that you can continue your relationship. But I do also hope that you can get some help for your fear.
Xx
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Kingdawson
05-06-18, 20:49
Hi all
Wow, what a lot of discussion here, thank you all for taking the time to give your thoughts.
As I said before, I am in no way trying to demonise this man, and I know that I am to blame, for caving in.
Just to be clear it went like this:
Last week, things got passionate, and before the line was crossed I asked if he had a condom, he said no, so I did not proceed,
On another evening I had a long discussion with him about my anxieties, and where they came from. He simply told me that I didn't need to worry, as he was healthy and a blood donor.
Second occasion, we stopped short when I asked if he had a condom and he said no.
Third occasion, I had actually bought some condoms, and asked if he would use one, he said no. Tried hard to reassure me, and that I am way too anxious and need to trust him. I also asked if he would be willing to go with me and we both get tested together, but he said he didn't need to. These discussions went on for a while, and I
started to think I was being unreasonable and unfair (he never suggested this, just that I was overly and unecessarily anxious),
When it came to the crunch, I allowed it (my fault), even though I was terrified and did not enjoy it. At the end I cried, because I knew I had been stupid and reckless.
I am not suggesting I was forced, and up to the point of actual intercourse, I was enjoying the intimacy.
I deeply regret being so weak, and not saying no. I am human, and fllawed, and I wanted him, and I wanted to make the relationship work. Now, I realise that was the woorst thing I could have done. I feel like the whole thing is broken, beyond repair, because I just feel disgusted.
MNIT -- thank you so,so much for your sage and kind words. You sound like a top bloke.
Red, thank you too for those facts, they are very reassuring.
I XX
PS -- there is no pregnancy question, I am sterile.
Don't be hard on yourself...these things happen to all of us and nothing to be embarrased/sorry about. In fact now you've elaborated further I feel the guy is actually in the wrong. I definitely do not think you need to be worrying about HIV but his reluctance to even get a joint check up is odd.
MyNameIsTerry
06-06-18, 02:33
I didn't miss any posts. The use of those words were before the threadstarter elaborated with later posts. That was the reaction to the initial post which did not indicate these strong accusations at all.
I just feel people shouldn't be so quick to judge in these type of situation particularly when it wasn't clear from the original post what the situation actually was or how it played out. Should be the exact same set of rules for men AND women.
Hi
I have HA and a complete phobia of HIV. Currently have gastric issues so trying not to panic and failing badly.
I'm 2 months into a new relationship, and last night I had full sex for the first time. We didn't use a condom and now I am really scared I have put myself at risk.
The man I am seeing seems really nice, but he didn't want to use a condom, and in the end I went with it (he said he hates condoms, and wanted t feel me). I have had loads of tests in the past, and have been single for quite a number of years. I told myself that I would never have unprotected sex again, so I am mortified that I did, and now I will be punished.
We did talk about things and he said he was clean, and tries hard to reassure me, is a blood donor, and hasn't had sex for over 2 years. He seems really nice, and caring, but he just doesn't seem to get my HIV fear, and thinks I just don't trust him.
I feel angry with myself that as in the past, I have put myself last ( I have a bad track record for abusive relationships).
A big part of me wants to end the relationship, as it feels too hard,and I know he is starting to think I am a little unhinged.
how can I gain some perspective? should I just have walked away when he didn't want too use a condom?
Thank you
The bits in bold gave me an idea of multiple conversations about sex.
His reasoning of being a donor isn't valid to me in a new sexual relationship as a major use of condoms is to prevent pregnancy and any man should be thinking of that as it's our responsibility. He seems to not be as concerned about protecting himself too which I find quite strange. And not all women are comfortable with unprotected sex for reasons beyond pregnancy & STIs (now the OP has mentioned her sterility, and given she opened up about rape, I'm going to assume he may have known about this hence my points on pregnancy risk being invalid in this case). That was a clue into issues of respect for me.
Given she had told him about a very traumatic experience that has led her to how she feels now I don't believe this was a quick conversation. They have spent some time on this.
I agree with you that we need to be careful in making judgements but in my mind there was enough in the OP. What came later only reinforced what I took from that. But I can appreciate why you see something different in the first post.
I can understand your concern over labelling. There is no question that it should apply to all sexes, bearing in mind I'm a man so I'm hardly applying bias towards men anyway in this context.
---------- Post added at 02:33 ---------- Previous post was at 02:17 ----------
Hi all
Wow, what a lot of discussion here, thank you all for taking the time to give your thoughts.
As I said before, I am in no way trying to demonise this man, and I know that I am to blame, for caving in.
Just to be clear it went like this:
Last week, things got passionate, and before the line was crossed I asked if he had a condom, he said no, so I did not proceed,
On another evening I had a long discussion with him about my anxieties, and where they came from. He simply told me that I didn't need to worry, as he was healthy and a blood donor.
Second occasion, we stopped short when I asked if he had a condom and he said no.
Third occasion, I had actually bought some condoms, and asked if he would use one, he said no. Tried hard to reassure me, and that I am way too anxious and need to trust him. I also asked if he would be willing to go with me and we both get tested together, but he said he didn't need to. These discussions went on for a while, and I
started to think I was being unreasonable and unfair (he never suggested this, just that I was overly and unecessarily anxious),
When it came to the crunch, I allowed it (my fault), even though I was terrified and did not enjoy it. At the end I cried, because I knew I had been stupid and reckless.
I am not suggesting I was forced, and up to the point of actual intercourse, I was enjoying the intimacy.
I deeply regret being so weak, and not saying no. I am human, and fllawed, and I wanted him, and I wanted to make the relationship work. Now, I realise that was the woorst thing I could have done. I feel like the whole thing is broken, beyond repair, because I just feel disgusted.
MNIT -- thank you so,so much for your sage and kind words. You sound like a top bloke.
Red, thank you too for those facts, they are very reassuring.
I XX
PS -- there is no pregnancy question, I am sterile.
I agree with Scass, I really do think you are seeing this as much worse than it is because of your emotions right now. Look at others on this board who are in the midst of a spiral and how their perceptions of negatively skewed no matter what the subject. That's what I see here, but the complex nature of the fallout of your previous attack is something beyond my true comprehension (definitely one for those trained to help people recover from such traumas) but I do wonder what emotional damage that has left behind.
I also still believe that the best judge of this man, and your relationship, is by you. We know so little about any of it other than this one event and what led up to it. This could be something you can get beyond and maybe some support in the form of therapy/counselling is needed for your anxiety and dealing with your trauma.
Seeing you in tears after, he should know something is wrong and I would hope he wants to support you.
You are being way to hard on yourself, something we are very prone to. You made a mistake, one of many you are going to make in your life. I've made many of my own, especially when younger which is just part of life.
I think your BF has made mistakes here and I'm not sure he truly understands exactly how much of an impact he has had. It's very hard to understand how a man or woman is affected by sexual assaults of any kind just as it is with the impact of domestic abuse or child abuse. My GF told me fairly early on in our relationship about being raped (we were already having sex) and how it caused her years of depression. It answered some questions of mine about her self esteem issues and lack of confidence. This is why I question exactly what he understands about how you have been affected because I know I can't properly understand it beyond trying to learn from my GF, what I've read or watched, etc.
Perhaps he can learn from this and be more sensitive to how you feel over these issues? You said he has been good prior to all this and that's a good sign he can learn to me.
Hello
Thank you all so much for the replies. I don't suppose there is much more I can do, other than get tested. I have booked in to a clinic next Tuesday for the non- HIV tests, but obviously I will have to wait another couple of weeks to take the HIV test. I really don't know how I am going to get through it, its killing me. I am literally counting off the days.
Funny how HA is though isn't it. Up to this event, I was worrying myself sick abut Gastritis, and now, I don't think about it at all. And the Gastritis came on after a severe anxiety attack , as I was experiencing terrible chest pains.
Now, I have told myself I don't care if I get cancer, as long as I don't have HIV (I think that's called bargaining).
Anyway, the BF has been super distant with me the last week. I was supposed to see him at the weekend, and I wanted to have a long discussion with him, but he bailed on me. Then he went silent on Sunday, and has not ghosted me, but a change in tone, and frequency has been loud and clear. So, I can't really make him understand when he doesn't see me, or pick up my phone calls. You can;t have an in depth discussion on Whatsapp can you?
I have rung the Rape Crisis Line to work though things I thought were buried, thats a work in progress. And I have also been put forward by my MH person for a "Compassionate Mind" course, as she thinks I am punishing myself all of the time.
I will update this thread with my results, here is hoping that my worst fears are proven wrong. Other than that, well, I can't keep bleating on here can I?
thank you all again
Inanna xx
---------- Post added at 17:25 ---------- Previous post was at 17:22 ----------
MNIT -- a special thank you to you, you sound like a really nice person. :flowers:
elasticheart83
14-06-18, 18:54
I think your chances of contracting HIV from this encounter are infinitesimally small, considering he is a blood donor and you had regular vaginal sex. If you are really worried about it you can go get an HIV test and you don’t need to even tell him if you think he’ll be offended by that (which it sounds like he might).
I think the bigger issue is that he pressured you into having sex without a condom when you let it be known you’d rather use one - and it is very reasonable that you would want to use one the first time having sex with someone. He also refused to get tested before having sex for the first time - also a very reasonable request, especially considering your history which you confided in him. These are red flags (IMO) that he is not the nicest guy. I would be wary about continuing to date him if I were you, not because of an HIV risk but because of these other things.
Hi ElasticHeart
You are so right. I have been dumped in the last hour. He actually said "Lets forget we ever met"... not nice. To tell you the truth, I just feel relieved. I am worried that he is a player (a good one, I was taken in), and he is not actually a blood donor at all. Nothing I can do about that now, I just have to get tested, and pray that the odds are in my favour.
thank you
Inanna
Dave_Lister
14-06-18, 19:50
People here are correct with saying that the odds are so small.
There are many factors that go into viral transmission such as what was the other person's viral load at the time, was the sex extremely vigorous etc.
There are couples where one partner has the virus and the other doesn't ever get it. I think the rate of transmission for unprotected vaginal encounters is approx. 1 in every 2000 unprotected encounters.
You said you do not know how to get through it, and I will tell you exactly how you will get through it, because I had this happen to me a long time ago.
Go and google Dr. Hunter Hansfield, Medhelp HIV transmission. Now people on here will condemn me for telling you to Google this, but this helped get me through until I was able to get tested.
Read all of the questions that people ask him on there, and you will see examples extremely similar to yours, and you will get the answers and some peace of mind from reading this.
This helped me when I was letting my mind get the better of me.
Lastly, you are able to get a conclusive Gen 4 duo test at 4 weeks post encounter, and you may even be able to get a rapid one where you can have the results in less than an hour, but I am not sure what your STI services are like or what testing they offer in your area.
Any way, I am confident that you are fine based off of all the info because most people do not lie about their STI status.
elasticheart83
14-06-18, 23:06
Hi ElasticHeart
You are so right. I have been dumped in the last hour. He actually said "Lets forget we ever met"... not nice. To tell you the truth, I just feel relieved. I am worried that he is a player (a good one, I was taken in), and he is not actually a blood donor at all. Nothing I can do about that now, I just have to get tested, and pray that the odds are in my favour.
thank you
Inanna
Ugh, what a garbage human being he is! I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m glad you feel relieved and it’s a good thing that you won’t have to deal with this POS any longer. There are way better men out there and now you’re free to find someo e who is a decent human being and probably better looking too! :D
Hi
Thanks for your replies.
I really, really hope the odds are in my favour, the waiting is killing me, and I keep imagining that I have symptoms (HA is a demon). Odd aches, slightly sore throat, neck pain. I am day 14 now, so halfway to when I can get an HIV test. Thank you for the recommedation of that website, it is helping a little bit.
I have booked in for all of the other STI tests on Tuesday (I think you need 14 days elapsed), so that will be a step forward.
My counselor has also put me forward for a "compassionate mind" course to try to learn how to have self compassion. I think this is quite a major thing for me.. I think I deserve HIV, and shame and guilt are a major factor.
It really was just one time.
Thank you all again, this place is helping me so much.
Thank you all again.
Inanna
Innana, if it comforts you, I would be willing to bet my house you don't have HIV. The odds are simply infinitesimal.
Thanks for your replies
Yes, it does make me feel better, you saying that, thank you.
I had a message from POS (I like that!), saying I was not exciting enough for him. Anyway, he is now blocked from my phone.
How can you be exciting when someone is trampling all over your boundaries?
Hi
I went to the clinic yesterday, and had tests for stis
They took my blood , but said it's too soon for the last "risk". I'm not sure why they took my blood so soon then. I suppose they don't know that before that I was clear, even if I know. They said I should repeat the test on a couple of weeks.
But today, I had a missed call from a private number and have been freaking out that it was the clinic trying to call me with bad news.
Part of me thinks that I am jumping to an unlikely conclusion. Firstly they said results in 20 days, not less than 24 hours, and anyway, it wouldn't show up because it's not 28 days yet.
But I am still freaking out
They did tell me that my risk is about a 1 in 1000 , but that's in the case that the pos was definitely hiv positive.
So why can't I stop panicking?
Hi
I just thought I'd update this thread.
I have had my clinic results, and all of the STI results came back negative.i am off to the clinic again tomorrow
As I need to repeat the HIV test, now that more than 28 days have past . I still feel very nervous about it,but hopefully I will get another negative, and can put it behind me.
Today I woke up with severe stomach cramps and nausea. I feel pretty I'll,and I hope it isn'ta sign of HIV
Thanks all
Inanna
X
Brilliant that all the tests so far are clear.
Are you still seeing the man?
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
No
He dumped me, saying I wasn't exciting enough. I don't think he was the nice person he pretended to be.
I just want to put it all behind me now. Hopefully in two weeks I can .. I am praying
It might sound like a stupid question, but why are you worried about HIV?
It’s vanishingly unlikely you have it but even if you did it’s not a death sentence anymore (for those of us lucky enough to have access to modern medicine). HIV positive people live a normal life span
MyNameIsTerry
04-07-18, 02:39
Hi Inanna,
To be honest I'm not sure about this guy and I found his reasoning of having a donor status as carte blanche to ignore any contraception as a load of BS anyway. That was just a way to reinforce his requests.
You got on well, had a bad sexual experience and he walks away just like that? That's not a good indication he a the good guy after all for me as surely he would want to work it out and see what happens? To write it all off so easily just makes me think he's onto the next person (most likely with the same excuses for his attitude towards respect). So, not really a loss. Just a big shame you had to experience a moron like this. I can understand if he raising incompatibility concerns with you but even then it's surely worth trying for so early on and his excuse of lack of excitement is really pretty weak to me, sex isn't like in the porn films (how confident is he that he was "exciting"? Is this guy pretty young or immature? He comes across that way, reminds me of young lads when I was young).
This doesn't mean there is any STI issue to worry about or even HIV. And now it's good to hear the results are coming back all clear so you can move forward with your fears and continue to work on rebuilding yourself. You can't always protect yourself from life's idiots but that doesn't mean you should kick yourself either. You are worth more and deserve better.
Oh, and thanks for your kind words...but I'm just your average bloke too and we are all pretty useless with women! I listen to my dad, the advice from a married man of quite some decades now, when he says "it doesn't matter if you are right, son, just agree you are in the wrong and save yourself an ear bashing" :yesyes:
No
He dumped me, saying I wasn't exciting enough. I don't think he was the nice person he pretended to be.
I just want to put it all behind me now. Hopefully in two weeks I can .. I am praying
I don’t think I can swear here, but he’s a nasty piece of work. And what a horrible thing to say to you.
I’m glad he showed his true colours sooner rather than later. Wishing you all the best for a rosier future without him in it x
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Hello all
So, I'm back. Its funny how you can be in remission but never cured isnt it?
I had the 28 day test and it came back clear, so I thought I was in the clear.
I moved on with my life, and apart from the gastritis (for which I had an endoscopy, nothing ominous found), life became peaceful.
However, this week, a fried of mine told me she was raped, and had to go for all the usual tests. Its a terrible thing, and I am supporting her as much as I can. But, this has also kicked off my anxiety again. Looking online(I know!), I discovered that the 28 day test is only 95% accurate, so I am not in the clear.
Now I feel back to square one, and will need to get tested again. :weep: I'm trying do hard to not panic, but I am so upset that there are still triggers, when I should be concentrating on my friend. I need to be able to reassure her, but I can't even reassure myself!
Maybe I need to go back to counselling? Life was great for a while, why won't it go away??
willieverbefree
05-10-18, 13:52
I have recently been through a a similar scenario re HIV ( after discovering that my boyfriend had been cheating regularly) - I went through hell with the anxiety, had the 28 day test - then still worried because in a proportion of people the antibodies to the virus are not evident untill 90 days - so I tested again at 90 days and thankfully it was negative which is considered conclusive- and no further testing necessary..
4th gen test which looks for both antigens and antibodies is conclusive post 28 days in many countries.
Hello all
But, this has also kicked off my anxiety again. Looking online(I know!), I discovered that the 28 day test is only 95% accurate, so I am not in the clear.
Now I feel back to square one, and will need to get tested again.
Maybe I need to go back to counselling? Life was great for a while, why won't it go away??
I know this thread is pretty old, but I wanted to chime in here.
Only 95% accurate? That's a fantastic success rate.
Keep in mind that no medical tests are 100% accurate, they always have a risk of false positive/negative. However, 95% accuracy is remarkable.
You're fine.
Counseling is definitely the next step here, it will help you accept uncertainty. That's something I desperately need to work on.
Justdontknowanymore
02-12-18, 02:47
As much as you think he's a gentleman, he has demonstrated with actions he's not. He pressured you to have sex without a condom, yes you consented, but you were pressured, put yourself always first.
---------- Post added at 20:47 ---------- Previous post was at 20:12 ----------
Sorry, I haven't read all the thread, but see! He was a douche(I'm a woman I can spot one)! I'm glad you're moving forward, for your peace of mind do the other test, but i'm sure it'll be clear.
Hi all
I don't know why, but just lately I have been haunted by the thoughts that I have HIV, and it won't leave me alone. Last year, I had an unfortunate encounter with a man who (under emotional pressure)
coerced me into having unprotected sex. I didn't want to do it, and afterwards I felt terrible ( I'm not saying I was forced, just that I went against my own judgement). Anyway, he turned out to be a completely horrible man, and it never happened again. I freaked out (realising that he was a player), and had a test at 28 days, then one at exactly 12 weeks. Well at least I think it was 12 weeks, now I am doubting myself and think maybe I got it wrong, and it was 11 weeks.
So, here I am again, feeling like I have brought this all to my door, and that I am a terrible person, who should not mix with others.
Should I get another test? Is it becasue I feel so ashamed of what I did, that I can't stop punishing myself? How many times can I go around this loop, I feel like I am going insane
Are you getting any help for your anxiety right now? It sounds as though it might be helpful to work with a professional to process your feelings.
I know it's hard, but try not to beat yourself up over a jerk like that?
nomorepanic
03-07-19, 17:57
Hi
This is just a courtesy reply to let you know that your thread was merged with another of your threads.
Please when posting on similar topics add it onto your previous post rather than starting a new one.
It is nothing personal it is just to make it easier for people to follow your story and to give you advice as a whole.
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