angiebaby
18-09-07, 12:37
Hi guys, just had the results this morning and he died of Renal Failure. So i now know that no matter how long i would have worked on him i would not have got him back. This does make me feel a little better but i still feel very guilty about moving him. I am pleased that he died at home with his family, he died in my arms, but i am angry at the three doctors and one matron, that my mum called out to him, that did nothing. If they had admitted him to hospital he may still be with us now, how i wish he was. I also know that they may have taken him in and stuck needles in him and scanned him and he may still have died and he may have been on his own. So i am glad that he died at home with his family, but i am still sure that if he would have had different treatment from our gp's that he would still be here with us now. He was taken away from us too soon, he had another twenty years left in him, he was only 64. I am totally devestated and i know that i will never get over this. I thought life before this was bad, and i didn't realize that it could get any worse, but it has. I feel like i have gone right back to how i was when my PTSD, anxiety and panic first started. Walking in a floaty dream most of the time, don't feel like i am actually here, very scared all the time and i am not coping.
Another thing is work. As some of you may know i work in a gp surgery but i have been off work with PTSD for the past three months. My sick note runs out on the 1st Oct and i was going to go back, still looking for another job though. But if i even think about work i start to feel unreal and panic, i know this is probably normal, but it scares me. Feel like i'm really losing my mind and i will just collapse and die at any time. I am shaking most of the time again too, i have jelly legs and my dizziness is so severe i am nearly falling over again. I know that my gp, the one that didn't admit my dad, would give me another sick note - no problem - but i don't feel like this is an option as my money, wages, each month will now stop. I have been there for 4 years and i only get two months wages while i am off, then it goes to two months at half pay, then nothing at all. I have to carry on paying my mortgage, my husband is classed as disabled so he gets benefit only, and i don't know how we are going to manage or what to do. I am still looking for another job, but i am finding everything so hard at the moment, even just to live, to get up in the morning, when i don't know who or where i am, so very difficult.
I am sorry this post is so long, really struggling at the moment here.
Another thing is work. As some of you may know i work in a gp surgery but i have been off work with PTSD for the past three months. My sick note runs out on the 1st Oct and i was going to go back, still looking for another job though. But if i even think about work i start to feel unreal and panic, i know this is probably normal, but it scares me. Feel like i'm really losing my mind and i will just collapse and die at any time. I am shaking most of the time again too, i have jelly legs and my dizziness is so severe i am nearly falling over again. I know that my gp, the one that didn't admit my dad, would give me another sick note - no problem - but i don't feel like this is an option as my money, wages, each month will now stop. I have been there for 4 years and i only get two months wages while i am off, then it goes to two months at half pay, then nothing at all. I have to carry on paying my mortgage, my husband is classed as disabled so he gets benefit only, and i don't know how we are going to manage or what to do. I am still looking for another job, but i am finding everything so hard at the moment, even just to live, to get up in the morning, when i don't know who or where i am, so very difficult.
I am sorry this post is so long, really struggling at the moment here.