lofwyr
22-07-19, 22:34
I had my physical today. Honestly, it was a disaster.
I have a mole that is inflamed, and questionably so, which my doctor wants me to watch for one more week, and if it hasn't healed he wants to biopsy it. I have low vitamin D. I have Beau's Lines on my toenails. My cholesterol is higher than it has ever been. Ever. I need to drop about 30 pounds, but do so without strenuous exercise that might cause my aneurysm to burst and medication that causes weight gain.
And I couldn't be happier.
Well, maybe a little.
I started to develop this notion which was two parts.
First, I am going to die. It WILL happen. It might happen in an hour, and it might be 50 years from now. Who knows. But the point is I have truly accepted it.
I. Am. Going. To. Die.
Somehow, accepting that helped me do something that is hard for me to imagine me being able to do twenty years ago. I resolved to enjoy the very moment I was living. And I mean *this* moment. Not what I would be doing in ten minutes, or even one minute, but right now. This is something I learned about abstractly from my therapist years ago, of course, but hearing and feeling it are vastly different animals. I understood what she was telling me, but I could never really achieve it, not until now, some 15 years later.
It has been a huge breakthrough for me. When anxiety rises up--and it does--I just tell myself something about the beauty of the moment; this meal is delicious, my wife is beautiful, I love this pit bull, my kids are fantastic, the sun feels amazing, the air is soft and warm, I love my job, I love my life. I count the things I love right then and there, let it wash over me, and I can feel the anxiety ebb. Twenty years ago, the idea of sitting on a potentially cancerous mole for a week would have shut me down to the point of complete and utter dysfunction.
I do not share this to boast in any way, I only share it to offer some sense of hope. I still feel anxiety, I struggle with anxiety, it is a fight I will fight until that death comes.
But for the first time, I really feel like I am winning this fight, even if it will last the rest of my life.
I have a mole that is inflamed, and questionably so, which my doctor wants me to watch for one more week, and if it hasn't healed he wants to biopsy it. I have low vitamin D. I have Beau's Lines on my toenails. My cholesterol is higher than it has ever been. Ever. I need to drop about 30 pounds, but do so without strenuous exercise that might cause my aneurysm to burst and medication that causes weight gain.
And I couldn't be happier.
Well, maybe a little.
I started to develop this notion which was two parts.
First, I am going to die. It WILL happen. It might happen in an hour, and it might be 50 years from now. Who knows. But the point is I have truly accepted it.
I. Am. Going. To. Die.
Somehow, accepting that helped me do something that is hard for me to imagine me being able to do twenty years ago. I resolved to enjoy the very moment I was living. And I mean *this* moment. Not what I would be doing in ten minutes, or even one minute, but right now. This is something I learned about abstractly from my therapist years ago, of course, but hearing and feeling it are vastly different animals. I understood what she was telling me, but I could never really achieve it, not until now, some 15 years later.
It has been a huge breakthrough for me. When anxiety rises up--and it does--I just tell myself something about the beauty of the moment; this meal is delicious, my wife is beautiful, I love this pit bull, my kids are fantastic, the sun feels amazing, the air is soft and warm, I love my job, I love my life. I count the things I love right then and there, let it wash over me, and I can feel the anxiety ebb. Twenty years ago, the idea of sitting on a potentially cancerous mole for a week would have shut me down to the point of complete and utter dysfunction.
I do not share this to boast in any way, I only share it to offer some sense of hope. I still feel anxiety, I struggle with anxiety, it is a fight I will fight until that death comes.
But for the first time, I really feel like I am winning this fight, even if it will last the rest of my life.