Back with a bump

[Hopefulmi]

Hi all,

3 years since I’ve been this bad and I am at a real low. It started last week when my oldest son finished year 1 at school, he is nearly 7, and I went into a spiral about how quick my boys are growing up (the youngest is almost 3.5). And now, here I am, daily panic attacks about life and death and getting older etc (I’m 32 on August 1st).

I started back on citalopram 10mg but today will be day 7 so still riding out the storm. I hate that I’m having to put my husband through this again. He has to deal with so much whenever I have an anxiety attack. I’ve had an intense year, training as a teacher and finished in June so I appreciate the transition may be a trigger. I feel like 2 or 3 weeks ago, I was normal, living my life and enjoying it and now I’m back in this spiral.

Ive even taking to googling anti-ageing breakthroughs. To be fair, the research and trials are doing amazing and will be around in my lifetime no doubt but still, it’s not right.

I just want to feel happy and normal again 😞 feel so alone

[Caribou93]

Don’t feel alone, millions of people share this same fear. Why on Earth do you feel old? People are living much longer nowadays, and 32 is far from old. Because there’s two scenarios you can look at...you can either worry about it and that will have no effect whatsoever, or you can not worry about it and that will have no effect whatsoever either.

Yes, much easier said than done, but if you worry about dying, then you aren’t living. I used to have this same issue, and while it does come up once in a blue moon, I have to remind myself of that same line. Don’t beat yourself up over it though. Was it just your son finishing school that spurned this?

[Dying_Swan]

It sounds like you've had a tough year, and I find it's often after the stressful times that these things happen. It's like you keep going and keep going and then relax, and boom! Out comes the anxiety. Could that be the same for you?
Another thing I've noticed is the sheer number of social media posts with pictures of kids starting and finishing school years, and parents getting very emotional about it. I don't mean to criticise that, but I do wonder if it's quite a new phenomenon, and can imagine that if you were already feeling a bit vulnerable about it, seeing all those sorts of posts could heighten those feelings.
Remember that it's really early days and will take time for the meds to do their thing, and be kind to yourself. You've had a hard year! Are you considering any therapy at all?

[Hopefulmi]

I’m on a waiting list for our county CBT service but it could be some time. Yes my son just finished Year 1 and one has his full year in nursery next year.
i should be grateful...our first child died from a genetic condition 8 years ago. I’m feeling a bit better tonight but know I will have spiralled again by tonorrow.

[Dying_Swan]

Oh gosh, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your first child. I cannot imagine how difficult that must be and I am sure it must put a whole different perspective on things. Really glad you're going to have some CBT. I think you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself, e.g by saying you "should be grateful". Maybe try to accept how you're actually feeling, and that it is ok to have those thoughts and feelings. You're seeking help and support and you will come out of this spiral. Glad you are feeling a little better tonight.

[adamden]

First off, very sorry to hear that your first child passed away. That is always difficult to have to deal with the loss of a loved one at such a young age.
Secondly, you are definitely not alone in the sense that many others share the fear of getting old and the time passing by them. It's all about taking what you have every day. Every day is a gift, and it all depends on what we do with those gifts of days that make all the difference. For me, it's working doing what I love, and helping improve people's lives just by commenting on these threads. I love helping people that have been in the same position I was.
Like Caribou said, if you're worried about dying, you're not living. Take every day like it's your last, and that fear of dying will soon disappear.
Take some time for yourself sooner or later, and hopefully the county CBT will get back to you soon!