Mikage
29-07-19, 23:06
Hello all,
I've spent most my life fearing everything. I have health anxiety and social anxiety. I am afraid of flying in planes and riding in cars. I love walking alone but I am afraid of being attacked by dogs or getting hit by lightning. I don't stand up for myself because I am afraid of confrontation. I am afraid that my house is going to fall down. Now that I have children, I fear for them too.
I am not following my creative passion (drawing) because I am afraid that people will find my work bad. Even when I do try, I waste half the session making sure everything is clean and there is no dust and my hands aren't too dry or too humid for my graphics tablet and everything is perfectly aligned and parallel and there is no storm coming (or else I must unplug my equipment), and then I draw but that stupid line I just drew isn't PERFECT so I have to draw it 20 times... You get the point.
I have made a lot of progress these past years. I sometimes manage to ignore my HA and control my OCDs, and I don't care so much what people think about me. Sometimes.
Lately though I've fallen back into a serious HA spiral, which is why I'm here, because I've had enough of wasting my time. To be honest I wasn't planning on posting anything really but I thought maybe I could just write all this stuff down to get it off me a bit.
Don't get me wrong, I sound depressed but I'm not. I actually feel happy most of the time. It sounds strange to say this after what I wrote above, but I love life. The problem is I'm not getting all I want out of it because of all these fears and obsessions that are taking up all my time. If nothing changes I will definitely die full of regrets.
Maybe I'll participate in some discussions here.
I've spent most my life fearing everything. I have health anxiety and social anxiety. I am afraid of flying in planes and riding in cars. I love walking alone but I am afraid of being attacked by dogs or getting hit by lightning. I don't stand up for myself because I am afraid of confrontation. I am afraid that my house is going to fall down. Now that I have children, I fear for them too.
I am not following my creative passion (drawing) because I am afraid that people will find my work bad. Even when I do try, I waste half the session making sure everything is clean and there is no dust and my hands aren't too dry or too humid for my graphics tablet and everything is perfectly aligned and parallel and there is no storm coming (or else I must unplug my equipment), and then I draw but that stupid line I just drew isn't PERFECT so I have to draw it 20 times... You get the point.
I have made a lot of progress these past years. I sometimes manage to ignore my HA and control my OCDs, and I don't care so much what people think about me. Sometimes.
Lately though I've fallen back into a serious HA spiral, which is why I'm here, because I've had enough of wasting my time. To be honest I wasn't planning on posting anything really but I thought maybe I could just write all this stuff down to get it off me a bit.
Don't get me wrong, I sound depressed but I'm not. I actually feel happy most of the time. It sounds strange to say this after what I wrote above, but I love life. The problem is I'm not getting all I want out of it because of all these fears and obsessions that are taking up all my time. If nothing changes I will definitely die full of regrets.
Maybe I'll participate in some discussions here.