elik
30-07-19, 13:21
Hi all,
Just can't get away from myself and my twisted mind and I don't want to talk about it with anyone because then people are more likely to get 'close' to me.
Its like I can't deal with the idea of 'owing' people anything or feeling like I am 'tied' to them. I moved from Surrey to Somerset at the beginning of the year and I thought I would be able to start afresh with how I am with others and that my friends from the South East I would miss and cherish the time where I see them. It appears that I have gone back more than I wanted to but more out of guilt than want (this is nothing to do with them, this is my mind making me feel like I have to do certain things). I feel bad seeing one person, so either try to cram visiting them all in one go and making it almost robotic. OR, feeling bad if I saw a couple of people so I would schedule a soon visit with a couple of others so they didn't feel left out etc. I feel like it is so much more unnatural than what everyone else seems to have with their friends and its making me want to distance myself because it takes so much out of me. I don't want to talk about it, because I don't want sympathy and I don't want people to feel bad and like they need to do anything. This will just make me feel worse. Pretty impossible, huh?
It makes me feel awful, I just don't feel like whoever I am with people isn't 'me' in full so I would rather be on my own or with my family.
I have also spent so many years catering to others, living in their footsteps and lives (out of my own choice) that I have set peoples expectations of me so high and I feel like people put me on a pedestal of being so great when I don't feel I deserve it and now I just keep having to try and be this person because I truly wish I could be so giving all the time but I haven't the energy anymore and I feel so selfish and I just don't want to ever have to talk about it either (only to my best friend). I feel like I'm being pulled left right and centre and constantly under pressure to be the best friend that people tell me I am to them (which is so nice but I feel like I am failing and I can't prioritize, etc)
I seem to crave this feeling of being 'home' around the close people in my life and just to relax and go with the flow and start my new life in my new area.
If anyone can familiarize with this or has any ideas on how I can resolve the mess that is my brain, I would be very grateful.
Thank you very much,
E
Just can't get away from myself and my twisted mind and I don't want to talk about it with anyone because then people are more likely to get 'close' to me.
Its like I can't deal with the idea of 'owing' people anything or feeling like I am 'tied' to them. I moved from Surrey to Somerset at the beginning of the year and I thought I would be able to start afresh with how I am with others and that my friends from the South East I would miss and cherish the time where I see them. It appears that I have gone back more than I wanted to but more out of guilt than want (this is nothing to do with them, this is my mind making me feel like I have to do certain things). I feel bad seeing one person, so either try to cram visiting them all in one go and making it almost robotic. OR, feeling bad if I saw a couple of people so I would schedule a soon visit with a couple of others so they didn't feel left out etc. I feel like it is so much more unnatural than what everyone else seems to have with their friends and its making me want to distance myself because it takes so much out of me. I don't want to talk about it, because I don't want sympathy and I don't want people to feel bad and like they need to do anything. This will just make me feel worse. Pretty impossible, huh?
It makes me feel awful, I just don't feel like whoever I am with people isn't 'me' in full so I would rather be on my own or with my family.
I have also spent so many years catering to others, living in their footsteps and lives (out of my own choice) that I have set peoples expectations of me so high and I feel like people put me on a pedestal of being so great when I don't feel I deserve it and now I just keep having to try and be this person because I truly wish I could be so giving all the time but I haven't the energy anymore and I feel so selfish and I just don't want to ever have to talk about it either (only to my best friend). I feel like I'm being pulled left right and centre and constantly under pressure to be the best friend that people tell me I am to them (which is so nice but I feel like I am failing and I can't prioritize, etc)
I seem to crave this feeling of being 'home' around the close people in my life and just to relax and go with the flow and start my new life in my new area.
If anyone can familiarize with this or has any ideas on how I can resolve the mess that is my brain, I would be very grateful.
Thank you very much,
E