View Full Version : Hit a new all time low - please don't be like me
*Please feel free to remove this thread if you feel it's unnecessary*
I really do hope that one day I can look back at this and laugh, but at the moment I am very distressed and I can't even blame my body for doing something stupid, only myself. This last week I have legitimately questioned my own sanity on more than one occasion and actually wondered whether I need to go to a mental institution. Why do I question my own sanity you say. Well what sane person would keep checking their larynx religiously just because their ocd tells them to? And I am talking about checking it internally, oh yes - they say you're never alone or 'special' and that someone else will always be going through what you are going through, but I think I'm honestly the only person insane enough to do this! I have no idea how or why this obsessive checking started or why but I've royally messed up this time. My brain was so focused on on the intricacies of my airway's anatomy that I couldn't stop, to the point where one side of my epiglottis got slightly swollen. Did that stop me? Absolutely not - I checked and checked and suddenly one morning a few days ago BAM I developed a lump on the other side that seems to be obstructing what feels like at least 2/3 of my larynx. My rational thinking is very limited and very clouded over - I most likely just made the area swell from checking or from bacteria, or created a cyst from said bacteria. Surely cancer couldn't have just appeared overnight like this? What if I didn't check enough? :scared15::wacko: I've tried bargaining with myself for the last two days saying look, it's probably just either an infection or swelling, give it like a week and your body will probably sort it out. Did that work? I lasted maybe 8 hours before checking again.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't even know whether I want to go to a doctor because what are they going to tell me after hearing all this? Please people do not be like me because look where it's gotten me to :( If anyone has any suggestions on what to do feel free to tell me but sometimes I'm starting to think that maybe I am one of those lost causes - I keep trying to get off of this dreaded rollercoaster but to no success. Talk about being your worst enemy. I really do pray that one day I can laugh this off.
Oh, I've been there. I spent a couple of months a few years ago constantly checking, of all things, my eyebrows. Leaving class to look in the mirror for "bald spots." Rubbing at them and crying whenever hairs came out. Why? I thought the medication I was on was going to make me lose all my hair. As if that would be the end of the world.
It didn't - I still have my locks - and ultimately I was so scared and fed up that I went to my university's provided therapist, who then sent me on to my primary care doctor, who was concerned and sent me to a psychiatrist. They prescribed me an SSRI and clonazepam. I don't really take the clonazepam anymore and I'm starting to wean off of the SSRI. Medication + therapy + some free OCD/health anxiety workbooks online did the trick. I swear, they really did. I struggled with HA for YEARS before I finally did something about it and good lord, it worked.
Can I ask what you've been able to access for your anxiety? Have you tried therapy, CBT, medication?
Hi poppy, oh how I wish I was obsessed with something like hair instead! Problem being is my obsession probably majorly damaged quite a vital location :( I haven't checked since yesterday morning but I had a sharp pang on that side of my throat, also a dry feeling in just that side of my throat as well. Breathing seems to be OK and no pain when I cough, but I am just so worried now! I don't know how long to wait for this to go away if its just a swelling or to haul myself to a doctor. I've been to a psychiatrist twice, been to cbt for half a year and am on an antidepressant. I don't feel like there's a way back to feeling normal anymore :(
Glazed, don't you think that's just a bit insensitive? One thing I've learned over the course of several years and several dozen different obsessive health worries is that the most terrifying condition in the world is always the one that's bothering you at that moment.
I can flat-out guarantee you that if your anxiety centred around your hair, it would distress you every bit as much as your current situation.
The anxiety is the problem, not the bodily sensation. It's when you lose track of that that you're in real trouble.
One thing I've learned over the course of several years and several dozen different obsessive health worries is that the most terrifying condition in the world is always the one that's bothering you at that moment.
While there is certainly validity to that, there are certain behaviors associated with that worry that are much more invasive and detrimental to one's health.
Positive thoughts
Iris yes you are most likely right it does sound insensitive doesn't it? Very sorry poppy if you're reading this I didn't mean to sound like that at all :( but yes I agree that any anxiety you feel yourself will be the worst in the world.
Fmp yes and I feel like I've definitely gone overboard with the invasivness and am now paying the price. I do hope the price is only massive anxiety and not something sinister but the dark thoughts are ridiculously strong.
Yet I have hand to heart not checked since Saturday. My mind is running in circles and every little pang in my throat and every cough sets me off but checking is what caused this mess in the first place :( I booked a doctors appointment but it's in two weeks - I don't know whether I'll succumb to my obsessive want to check or not, but I do hope that I don't, the swelling goes down and I forget about it and cancel the appointment - but even when I'm not checking all my head is screaming is 'that's it you're done for you created cancer yourself and all you can blame is yourself and now it's too late' and it's so, so, so difficult to manage I don't know whether it's becoming easier or harder by the day, I'm in a terrifying place and don't know what to do :( I try to distract myself when I can be but it never seems enough, I am terrified
So an update: it has officially been a week since I sincerely did not check. Most pains are gone but I still have a feeling of something sticking on that side of my throat when I swallow salive and still have my dry cough (that I know will take a long while to go away, whether self caused or not), and I am now at the stage where I am both scared to check and not to check :sad: scared that if I don't check I don't know whether the lump/swelling is still there or not, and scared that if I do check and it's still there unchanged, well self explanatory. I still have one more week until my gp appointment and I don't know how to explain this whole stupid situation. Though I did hope that not checking would get easier, but the anxiety level seems stable, so I don't know what I'm doing wrong? :sad:
So just when I think I have a nice day out and pretty much no throat issues, come evening time and suddenly that scratch on just one side of my throat comes, like tiny pins, wouldn't really call it pain but definitely a discomfort, I keep trying to swallow it down but that doesn't do much,neither does coughing. Very terrified that I've really self caused myself cancer this time and I've tried every rational approach and it's just not working :((
I get this often at night too due to post nasal drip from my sinuses...but I think we can all agree that the REAL problem here is not your throat, but your anxiety.
If I were your doctor I'd recommend 2 things:
1) a bag of cough drops. Pop one in when it feels scratchy, and it will probably take care of that sensation.
2) talk to a therapist about your anxiety, and get started on a plan to work on it
Yes you are correct about the anxiety being the problem but I also really can't ignore the fact that the anxiety drove me to obsessively check something and then have a lump form there, now I physically have something and don't know whether I have caused myself what I fear most :(
I pretty much live off of lozenges now! But sometimes even they don't help which makes my anxiety worse. And I did go to therapy but didn't work, but I suppose I don't have a choice but to try yet again.
I am dreading money. My cough got so bad just now that I burst either a vessel or the lump I created or whatever i. My larynx that I started coughing fresh blood. I have hit the 2 week mark of not checking and I am both proud and extremely dreading Monday now, especially after this blood coming up :(
So you’ve irritated it so much by “checking “ it that now it’s bleeding. Maybe it’s time to go to the doc not to have it checked, but to get some throat syrup to help reduce the swelling.
therapy won’t work if you’re not ready to do the work. Maybe it’s time to talk adding other methods in conjunction with therapy like meds, daily exercise, or diet/lifestyle changes.
Oh no I did say I haven't actually checked for 2 solid weeks and I'm being absolutely honest with that so it's not that! But I kept coughing and coughing and suddenly started coughing loads of fresh blood :( not just 1 tiny speck but quite a bit. And even if this lump is just a swelling i caused myself which is somewhat likely and the cough is just there (as the cough started before I made that thing pop up...) throat syrup definitely won't help as I've tried it all before and even the nurse told me there's not much to take for dry coughs. So I'm living on lozenges :/
I am taking meds. Don't exercise as I suffer with chronic fatigue but I'm debating whether I should try even the minimal amount. And my diet could be better, but I have lost weight this year even though I thought my anxiety would make me unsuccessful, so I suppose I took some positive action?
Hi
was just reading your thread and I really feel for you. My anxiety shows in totally different department but thought perhaps you could try to gargle cooled camomile tea , camomile has all sorts of good properties for healing as well it might sooth your throat a bit even if you drank it it has sedative effects so might calm you down.
And as for exercise maybe go for short walk if you can manage that or try Pilates for beginners, I m doing that at the moment and it’s not high impact if you suffer from chronic fatigue .
hope your doctors appointment goes well , and your gp can put your mind at rest.
Have you seen any relief after starting meds? I'm wondering if you need to talk about dosage with your doctor.
Hi keta, I was pondering about trying chamomile tea, I remember having it when I was a child and remember really not liking the flavor but I think I could at least somewhat tolerate it now. Pilates is also something I looked into but it's not the cheapest in my area. I'm still seeing what the local gyms are offering maybe they have that as a class I could consider. Ideally I would love to go swimming, but unfortunately that is extortionately expensive!
AntsyVee, the medication has definitely worked miracles for my sleep from day 1, I was so surprised, but anxiety wise, well maybe it does do something but I'd only notice if I stopped using it, does that makes sense? I'm a bit on the edge of potentially increasing the dose as I've read this specific med works best for sleep the lower the dose you take but I suppose I should ask my doctor a bit more about that. Although being on my third anti depressant now I highly doubt that is the answer to what I'm dealing with, as it's not like they can make the thoughts disappear :/
So I'm seeing my gp in a couple of hours and don't know how this is going to go. This morning I've checked my throat and unfortunately my religious non-checking has not fixed the situation. The lump/swelling/whatever has not gone down, it's pretty much what it was. My cough I think is getting worse and I don't know whether it's because of it. It also feels like the cough only goes through one side, i.e. the one that hasn't got the swelling, so that unnerves me even more. I just don't know, I've probably caused myself what I feared the most and I don't know what to do :(
I've been on an AD for years now, and for the most part, they do make my irrational thoughts disappear. However, sometimes they do seep through, especially when I'm stressed. Then I will have the irrational thoughts, but I don't dwell and ruminate on them. Once in awhile I will, and the coping mechanisms I've learned in therapy help me through that.
This is why I wondered about your dosage. Maybe adding an AD to the med you're on for sleep might help? It's a bunch of trial and error, but once you find the right combo or dosages, it's worth it.
What did the GP say?
So I went to the GP and through a bit of crying explained my embarrassing stupid situation and at least I didn't get kicked out I suppose lol he was quite understanding, in the end he seemed hesitant to send me to a doctor again because this lump just sounds like either scar tissue or swelling because of...well duh but I did say there is no way I can just forget about it, so I think I'm getting referred and can just pray my ent will see me, AGAIN. I really, really hope I can just laugh about this in the future but wow today is just bleak :( ANYWAY - we did mainly talk about my sanity or lack thereof and he did say he doesn't feel like I need to see a psychiatrist again, he is highly suggesting I do go back to see a psychologist again though.
We did chat quite a bit about my medication - currently I am actually on an antidepressant that is used as a sleeping agent, so I mainly use that for that. He did say that anti depressants usually start working for anxiety in the high doses, while I've always been on the low end. He also said it is possible to try combinations of antidepressants and I will be honest I've always been under the impression that medications shouldn't be mixed, you should just stick to one? Anyway he did double my current dose but I am a little bit hesitant for some reason? I'm just scared the higher I go the more difficult it'll be to come off.
Anyway I just checked my throat AGAIN!!, and I don't get what is wrong with me. 2 weeks I managed, did it once and now I keep wanting to do it every 5 minutes! I'm gonna try my darnest to try and not check for at least a week again, because just wow. I really did think it would get easier with not doing it for 2 weeks, I have no idea what I'm doing wrong :(
Good. Double the dose and see how it goes. It can’t hurt to try.
Why do you have to come off an AD? Isn’t it better to stay on an AD and live with little to no anxiety that to stop an AD and live in fear?
you have an urge to check cause you went to the doc...now your anxiety irrationally wants you to check and see if the doc is right. This is how HA OCD works.
Yeah I suppose I need to I just don't know why I'm so hesitant. I suppose I just don't like taking medicine as it is, and don't want to be taking more than I need. Then again, if I do need a high dose...
Well I didn't *have* to come off of them, I just felt like they were doing nothing for me so I decided to ditch them. Stupidly, without telling the doctor, though eh it's the lowest dose there's no way to taper off anyway? Well I paid the price I suppose. Lesson learnt :/
My anxiety is skyrocketing very much today. I feel like my throat is getting worse - yesterday after trying to suppress my cough for a couple of hours while chatting to someone I felt quite sickly by the end of it - face felt full and I felt slightly nauseous which scared me. This morning was actually quite good, cough not too bad but then I left for work and it just got worse and worse. It's not even the cough that was bad, but me trying to not cough for as long as possible again ended in me feeling nauseous and then had quite strong pain on the side of the lump, and just downhill from there. The nauseous feeling just keeps up the stupid cancer thought and as per usual, it's terrifying :( Had that stupid lump for 3 weeks + now and even though I'm not checking it feels like everything is getting worse. And god knows how long I have to wait for the ent to see me again. Some nights it really does feel like I'm going insane from the fear.
Yeah, I’ve never really understood the hesitation that some people have for taking psych meds. Would you hesitate to take insulin if you were diabetic or use an inhaler if you were asthmatic? No, cause you’d need it to live. But many of us, myself included, need psych meds to live a normal life. Honestly, the longer a person’s mental illness is unchecked, it lowers (is highly correlated with a lowered lifespan) our lifespans anyway. So to me, I’m not sure why psych meds and mental health aren’t taken as seriously as other health conditions.
what are you doing at night to distract yourself from dwelling on your fears?
Slightly derailed with my reply time, sorry! Yes I get what you're saying about the meds, I suppose it's the thought of how difficult it'll be to taper off of them if I do manage to get to a point where I'm managing ok in life. OR if we figure out the high dose isn't helping, I mean then you have to come off of it anyway? And don't get me wrong I am taking mental health seriously, if I wasn't I wouldn't go to psych doctors at all, it's just that health anxiety aside I have always been an overthinker and that doesn't help either...I recently found a phrase somewhere called paralysis by analysis I think? Sums up my life haha
At night all I want to do to is lie down and relax really, but that can never happen as my anxiety goes up whenever I try to relax :( I've been trying to go out for more evening walks recently given good enough weather, but knowing days are getting shorter don't know how often I'll be doing it through the winter as I'm a bit hesitant to go for walks through barely lit roads. The odd night I will play video games in the evening and it's a great distraction while it lasts - but recently I've been so anxious I can't even do this one hobby I really enjoy. I'll do the odd bit here and there but nothing spectacular.
Anyway it's been another week since checking and I was surprised at how quick that went and I didn't realise I didn't check (minus the fact I checked something ELSE I hadn't checked for a while and found something but that's a whole other story...), two days I had managed to nicely control my cough to a nice level but yesterday it just came back full force. Yeah. This is difficult, HA is difficult :(
Well, I plan on staying on my meds for life, and I’m completely fine with that. I don’t want to go back to a life of not being able to relax. That’s no life at all.
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