View Full Version : Anyone else had obsessive HIV/AIDS worries?
Hi everyone. I'm currently going through a really high spike of HIV anxiety. This started a year ago out of the blue, back when I remembered that I actually performed an unprotected "blowjob" (lovely) on my highschool boyfriend when we were 16-17. I took two BioSURE HIV tests and they were both negative (obviously) but for some ridiculous reason it just doesn't reassure me. I know that this is common amongst people with OCD and health anxiety, but what the heck is that all about? How can two 99.99% accurate tests NOT reassure someone that they DON'T have what they fear they have?
I've noticed a few people on here talk about HIV fears, feel free to share your experiences below because my mind is boggled at how immovable this fear is.
I don't have HIV fears but I understand your concern as it lies without symptoms until it develops into AIDS. I think this is the source of your anxiety as it is in your blood with no way of self-testing and it is symptom-less. People have the same fears with cancer as some early cancers are symptom-less. It's the same anxiety but a different disease.
You don't have HIV. At all. There is no test that is classed as 100%. If something was 100% it would open up law cases etc. Even though it's classed as 99.99% it is basically a 100% test. Mathematically speaking, even if it was 99.99% that is 1 out of 10,000, you had it twice which is 1 in 100,000,000 which is one hundred million.
ankietyjoe
21-08-19, 09:46
How can two 99.99% accurate tests NOT reassure someone that they DON'T have what they fear they have?
The problem here is repeated thought patterns. Anxiety and fear is centred in (simply speaking) the old caveman part of the brain. This part of the brain is not good at rationalising fear, it either runs or it flees (fight or flight). Your conscious part of the brain CAN rationalise, but can also be self defeating. The issue here is that the two parts of the brain are connected and feed back from each other. If you think about HIV, or repeat conscious negative thoughts about HIV, your caveman brain struggles to tell the difference between imagination and reality.
One trick would be to have a mantra, that you say out loud if necessary. Something like "I have had the tests, I know I'm safe". It sounds simplistic, but the caveman brain IS simplistic. You need to retrain that autonomic fear response over time, and it may take weeks or months, but the repeated mantra does work. You could also combine it with physically walking away and doing something else as you say it, messaging the caveman brain that the fear of HIV is unimportant.
Exactly, Joe.
What worked for me during a bad blip a few years back was reminding myself to think with my front brain (i.e. my more evolved cognitive functions) rather than my hindbrain (where all those unhelpful caveman instincts come from).
Every time I felt the panic and the what ifs welling up, I'd say "Front brain, Iris", and visualise my consciousness shifting from the back to the front of my head. It's a ludicrous trick, of course, but it really did the job for me when I was struggling with my HA.
Thanks for the replies guys.
You don't have HIV. At all. There is no test that is classed as 100%. If something was 100% it would open up law cases etc. Even though it's classed as 99.99% it is basically a 100% test. Mathematically speaking, even if it was 99.99% that is 1 out of 10,000, you had it twice which is 1 in 100,000,000 which is one hundred million.
Thanks for the maths there. The test is 99.7% accurate as is, but negative results (like mine) go up to 99.99% accurate due to false positives being a tiny possibility and obviously they have to market it at its lowest accuracy rating, and something like 3 out of every 1000 positive results will be false positives.
The problem here is repeated thought patterns. Anxiety and fear is centred in (simply speaking) the old caveman part of the brain. This part of the brain is not good at rationalising fear, it either runs or it flees (fight or flight). Your conscious part of the brain CAN rationalise, but can also be self defeating. The issue here is that the two parts of the brain are connected and feed back from each other. If you think about HIV, or repeat conscious negative thoughts about HIV, your caveman brain struggles to tell the difference between imagination and reality.
One trick would be to have a mantra, that you say out loud if necessary. Something like "I have had the tests, I know I'm safe". It sounds simplistic, but the caveman brain IS simplistic. You need to retrain that autonomic fear response over time, and it may take weeks or months, but the repeated mantra does work. You could also combine it with physically walking away and doing something else as you say it, messaging the caveman brain that the fear of HIV is unimportant.
I've been trying to do some form of mantra but I worry that it falls under 'reassurance' which I'm not supposed to be doing with health anxiety/OCD (according to experts) but perhaps it would be a good form of reassurance. I've started twanging a rubber band around my wrist whenever I get these thoughts and feelings, apparently it's supposed to jolt you out of it.
Midnight-mouse
21-08-19, 10:13
I've been trying to do some form of mantra but I worry that it falls under 'reassurance' which I'm not supposed to be doing with health anxiety/OCD (according to experts) but perhaps it would be a good form of reassurance. I've started twanging a rubber band around my wrist whenever I get these thoughts and feelings, apparently it's supposed to jolt you out of it.
Self reassurance isn’t necessarily a bad thing at all, I think seeking it from outside sources is the problem that looks at fixing. Telling yourself that you are fine and understanding that it’s just an anxious thought is very useful in dealing with this.
Positive vibes,
Mouse
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Self reassurance isn’t necessarily a bad thing at all, I think seeking it from outside sources is the problem that looks at fixing. Telling yourself that you are fine and understanding that it’s just an anxious thought is very useful in dealing with this.
Positive vibes,
Mouse
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Yeah perhaps you're right. I've been dying to take another test either myself or at a clinic but I know that falls under the negative kind of reassurance, and the odds of me believing a third one after already having trouble believing 2 aren't very high. I'm just fed up of my silly brain now. Father and boyfriend think I'm nuts and I'm DRIVING them nuts haha.
ankietyjoe
21-08-19, 11:38
Self mantra's aren't reassurance. Taking a third test is.
And there's when you say 'my silly brain', I think it's important to tell yourself that your reaction is under your control. You have simply formed habits of reassurance seeking, and that's what you need to break. That takes a long time, so you need to practice it every day, for months if necessary.
I start to think of things like "what if the tests weren't legitimate as they were purchased on amazon instead of the companies site" etc. Despite having the CEO's daughter who works for the company TELL me that they've been through numerous regulatory checks to *ensure* that the tests are safe to perform via amazon. I also have the nagging factor that the tests were self tests, and despite their 99.99% accuracy for negative results, I feel as though for some reason it would be more legitimate if it was a clinic test.
Problem with anxiety and OCD is that you can't outsmart yourself, and its yourself that is sending anxious thoughts. Going to try my best to mantra myself out of it.
ankietyjoe
21-08-19, 12:16
Problem with anxiety and OCD is that you can't outsmart yourself, and its yourself that is sending anxious thoughts. Going to try my best to mantra myself out of it.
Yes you can, by practising the opposite thought patterns that you're practising now.
What people tend to forget is that you've been practising those negative thought patterns for months or years. You can't change it overnight, but unless you do start doing the opposite every day it will never stop.
Yes you can, by practising the opposite thought patterns that you're practising now.
What people tend to forget is that you've been practising those negative thought patterns for months or years. You can't change it overnight, but unless you do start doing the opposite every day it will never stop.
Thanks so much for the advice, I really appreciate it. I will try my best to put it into practice. :)
...the 135 individuals, "who had had over 19,000 unprotected orogential contacts ("blowjobs") with their HIV-infected partner," presented without a single case of seroconversion to HIV. According to the authors, "this seems to point to a
very low probability of HIV transmission related to this practice, when other risk exposures are excluded."
In simple English, after 135 women performed a combined amount of over 19,000 blowjobs over the study period to an HIV infected male partner, NONE of them became HIV positive.
Source - British Medical Journal (https://www.bmj.com/content/326/7392/730.1/rapid-responses)
You categorically, 110%, for sure, definitely have NOT contracted HIV from this exposure!
ankietyjoe
21-08-19, 13:49
I see no value in looking at statistics. The OP needs to focus on the obsessive over thinking, not percentages.
MyNameIsTerry
21-08-19, 13:56
In simple English, after 135 women performed a combined amount of over 19,000 blowjobs over the study period to an HIV infected male partner, NONE of them became HIV positive.Source - British Medical Journal (https://www.bmj.com/content/326/7392/730.1/rapid-responses) You categorically, 110%, for sure, definitely have NOT contracted HIV from this exposure!That must have been one long video :whistles: so these "researchers" were present during.? :blush::winks:
I see no value in looking at statistics. The OP needs to focus on the obsessive over thinking, not percentages.
I do agree BUT... in this case, based on those statistics and the OP's scenario, it's another 'ninja bat' deal. It just can't and didn't happen here :shrug:
Positive thoughts
ankietyjoe
21-08-19, 14:09
I do agree BUT... in this case, based on those statistics and the OP's scenario, it's another 'ninja bat' deal. It just can't and didn't happen here :shrug:
Positive thoughts
Yes but if she focuses on the 0% chance here, it's still pandering to 'what if'. It still won't matter that it's 0% because eventually she'll start thinking 'yeah but what if I am the statistical anomaly'.
Yes but if she focuses on the 0% chance here, it's still pandering to 'what if'. It still won't matter that it's 0% because eventually she'll start thinking 'yeah but what if I am the statistical anomaly'.
True... we see that all over the boards. I just see facts as definitives with no room for 'what ifs'. 1+1 = 2 and there's no other answer :shrug:
Positive thoughts
ankietyjoe
21-08-19, 14:20
True... we see that all over the boards. I just see facts as definitives with no room for 'what ifs'. 1+1 = 2 and there's no other answer :shrug:
Positive thoughts
"Yeah but what if I had an open sore in my mouth"...etc etc etc
"Yeah but what if I had an open sore in my mouth"...etc etc etc
I get that's how the HA mind works. We're talking about taking into account the chances of that person being infected (is he still alive and does he have HIV?), being 16/17 years old at the time, being 7+ years have passed and other statistics, it's just not in the realm of possibility. But you're correct in that the mindset needs to change.
Positive thoughts and ninja viruses
That must have been one long video :whistles: so these "researchers" were present during.? :blush::winks:
Haha I did wonder how they ensured that 19,000+ "BJs" took place. I had mental images of them telling two couples to go into a room, and the authors to be watching and then giving instructions like "Nope, we can't see if you're doing it right, turn round..." :roflmao: The mind boggles. And their wording of it "orogential contacts" to add dignity to it :whistles: "Hi Doc, yeah I'm in for a check-up, I had an orogenital contact with a male of unknown HIV status"
I get that's how the HA mind works. We're talking about taking into account the chances of that person being infected (is he still alive and does he have HIV?), being 16/17 years old at the time, being 7+ years have passed and other statistics, it's just not in the realm of possibility. But you're correct in that the mindset needs to change.
Positive thoughts and ninja viruses
He is indeed alive and well. I haven't spoken to him and asked him about this because we haven't spoken for about 6 years, but he's head of something important in his real estate firm. He looks fine and healthy.
Olivia,
I can freely say that I am one of those who freaks out about HIV infection all the time. Now, look at this: I have not been sexually active for at least 4 years ( and before that for almost 20 years with my husband only); during these last 4 your of "chastity", I have had 3 HIV tests: once because I drank accidentally from somebody's water bottle, once because I thought a barista spat in my coffee at Starbucks; and the third time, if I am not mistaken, because my hairstylist scratched my forehead with her finger nail ( no broken skin). And before those 4 years, while I still occasionally had sex, probably I was tested 4 times. I have never used any drugs. And - I forced my virgin son, who does not use drugs, to have it done, because I thought that somebody poked him with a dirty needle/ syringe in the street. What the heck? For the love of God, who does that?! Well, obviously I do. This is just to let you k know that there are people like you on the Forum here. All the best
Olivia,
I can freely say that I am one of those who freaks out about HIV infection all the time. Now, look at this: I have not been sexually active for at least 4 years ( and before that for almost 20 years with my husband only); during these last 4 your of "chastity", I have had 3 HIV tests: once because I drank accidentally from somebody's water bottle, once because I thought a barista spat in my coffee at Starbucks; and the third time, if I am not mistaken, because my hairstylist scratched my forehead with her finger nail ( no broken skin). And before those 4 years, while I still occasionally had sex, probably I was tested 4 times. I have never used any drugs. And - I forced my virgin son, who does not use drugs, to have it done, because I thought that somebody poked him with a dirty needle/ syringe in the street. What the heck? For the love of God, who does that?! Well, obviously I do. This is just to let you k know that there are people like you on the Forum here. All the best
Whilst I'm sorry that you have to go through this, it is comforting to know that someone else has similar fears. As other people have pointed out, my "exposure" was done with one of the least most likely ways of transmitting HIV sexually. Did you have trouble accepting the tests too? Because even though my self-tests came back negative, I still struggle to believe it and be reassured by it. It's quite ridiculous.
I accepted the test results ( they were done in the clinical setting, because I would not believe home test). But, the ridiculous thing is that my "exposures" are everyday situations that billions of people get into, so, I decided that I cannot go test every single time I have this horrible OCD thinking about it. I am trying to tell myself to let go, because it is the right thing to do. As for home test, why did you go with that when you cannot believe it? Although, you definitely should. Your fears are absolutely baseless. I am not absolutely suggesting anything - but I know myself: I would go into a clinic and have it done. I know for me that would be the only reassuring thing. Which is wrong - I know, but, again, that is why I am on this forum.
I am telling you do not have it. So, either try to move on, or have a test. Do not torture yourself, that is the worst.
Statistics *can* be something to hold on to, but the anxiety brain can also find ways to say "I am the exception." I am dealing with a bout of basal cell carcinoma. It is potentially even a bad bit of it, agressive compared to other forms. But even so, the chance of metastasis is .03% to .55%. The worse case scenario, statistically speaking, is a .55% chance of it metastasizing. A 99.45% chance of not. Should I be reassured by that? Sure thing. Am I? Maybe a little, but niggling self doubt is so strong with anxiety, we find ways to make our own, self-centered thoughts the exception to the rule.
In my head here is how it went: I read the statistic. Comforted briefly, I did a little math in my head over-analyzing the statistic. Realized that out of the 5.4 MILLION cases of Basal cell every year, between 1,600 and 10,000 or so end up being serious and advanced cases. I disregard the part about most of those cases being someone of a very advanced age and/or with a seriously compromised immune system, neither of which apply to me. We find ways to make only the negative exceptions to the rule apply to us. My anxiety helps with that, thinking there has to be *someone* out there like me who it didn't end well for. I have the chops these days not go looking for those cases, because google makes it very easy to find them, but know they are there, somewhere. So now, in the back of my head, I have this catastrophic thought I *know* consciously is BS, but subconsciously, it is hard to shake or lock away. It grows, especially when I wake up in the middle of the night--that's when the dragon comes to visit me a lot.
I have literally a 300% higher chance of being killed in a car on my way to my dermatologist appointment today than I do of dying from Basal Cell carcinoma and I am not worried about that car ride in the least. There is no logic to anxiety brain, and while we have no reason to doubt statistics, our minds can find ways to do it, the same way we doubt doctors, or medical tests, even radiology reports--people who have decades of training and experience, and we can wash it away with our thought process like it meant nothing.
I know it's not quite the same as an HIV worry, but the process that leads our brain to doubting very strong statistics is the same.
If you can find ways to break that cycle of thought, therein lies a bit of peace of mind. I talked myself off the ledge a bit, taking it moments at a time. Right now, I am going to my derm appointment, and will listen to him, let him tell me what he thinks is best, then I will make my next decision and try my best to relax in between.
Trust that HIV test.
pathtocalm
28-09-19, 18:58
I thought I’d add my story.
I always used to think I caught HIV somehow somewhere and panicked and had assurances from one or two visits to the clinic which came back negative.
More recently however, in the last year I kinda shared using a key in the use of recreational drugs. I know what a stupid thing to do. But I have the returned nagging feeling that I caught something serious from sharing that key.
Yuck.
And extremely stupid.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.