Cancer fear after mum died. [Archive]

Julesbeachy

12-09-19, 18:05

Hi mum died two weeks ago of a cancer she never knew she had. She was admitted to hospital on the Monday as she had a pneumonia they then discovered she had cancer metastasised everywhere. She really only complained of a back ache for 4 months. Then got a chest infection which is what hospitalised her. She died 3 days after we found out she had cancer. I was with her all the time to the end. I have flashbacks of those last few days. It has put me into a complete spiral. Let alone the shock and grief. I’ve got pains in my groin which is freaking me out. I had it on one side for about 2 months and it went away which I never worried about. But Now this week it has started on the other side. My head is all over the place. My back hurts and my head is spinning with thoughts of cancer and death.

NotDeadYet

12-09-19, 18:33

Julesbeachy,

First and foremost, my extreme condolences to you and your family. I can't even imagine all of the thoughts and feelings you are having during this very difficult time.

Your feelings about having cancer are completely valid. As you navigate this, please remember that it's OK to have these fears but do so rationally. Keep in mind that you just had a traumatic experience and the brain will create stories out of trauma. Ground yourself in reality and remember that there are a litany of possible reasons as to why your groin hurts including stress which I imagine you have been under due to your mum's passing. As always, if you are anxious, go see a doctor and begin the process of recovery by taking that step. When given the all clear, work through the grieving process. Trauma has an incredible way of imprinting on the brain thought patterns that can become very ingrained. Be sure that you are taking time for yourself and getting both the medical and psychological help you may need.

Best Wishes.

Julesbeachy

12-09-19, 19:19

Thank you so much. Your reply really grounded me from my tailspin. I contacted my local counsellors yesterday as I know I will need it. The last few weeks have been traumatic. I suffered with health anxiety 12 years ago and have managed it fairly well since mind you I have been on citalopram which helps immensely. I just don’t want to fall down that rabbit hole again. I suspect my mum had other symptoms which she never shared. She also had a terrible fear of cancer. Bless her she thought she had cancer for 50 years. She was 70 when she died from actual cancer. Which shows what a waste in worrying is.

LouiseAndy

12-09-19, 19:40

I don't have much good advice, I just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss and defiantly see about going to counselors. You've really had your life shaken up so quickly. Your fears are very understandable right now. Sending positive thoughts your way x

lofwyr

12-09-19, 23:09

I am very sorry for that sudden and unexpected loss.

That it put you into an HA tailspin is completely understandable. Do you have a therapist you can speak with, or a counselor?

Sparky16

13-09-19, 02:55

I'm sorry about your mother. I went through similar feelings when I lost my father suddenly. This is such a difficult situation, because your anxiety is all mixed up with your grief, and it's so much to deal with at once. It would be a shock even if you had never had health anxiety. The counselor can help, for sure.

Fishmanpa

13-09-19, 05:14

I feel your pain and I'm truly sorry for your loss. I lost my mother New Years Day 2017. Granted she was not well, had dementia and some other medical issues but when she crashed, they found out she had cancer that had metastasized and a large tumor in her chest. It was just a few weeks from the time she went into the hospital until she passed. For me the difference was I knew it was coming as her decline was quite evident.

I don't doubt you're feeling symptoms and with what happened and with your anxiety, there are bound to be some morbid thoughts. As others suggested, look into some grief counseling as the shock of losing her and the reasons and circumstances behind it have thrown you for a loop. I can tell you from experience, it does get easier. It just takes some time.

Positive thoughts

Julesbeachy

13-09-19, 08:12

Thank you all so much. I’ve sent a message to our local counselling service. It takes about 28 days. Mums funeral is next week. Then I’m going to return to work as I’m just sitting around thinking of every ache and pain and thinking of my mum and crying all day. It’s been such a terrible time. Thank you all it’s really helped.

pulisa

13-09-19, 08:42

I am so sorry, Jules. The shock must be immense and you are dealing with grief, trauma and exhaustion which all combine to stir up your HA. I hope you can get some grief counselling as soon as possible after the funeral. You must feel completely devastated and all over the place but there is so much to do..I hope you have some family who can help you.

Julesbeachy

13-09-19, 09:08

It was just so quick. I’ll never forget the first night I walked into the hospital. She looked so poorly. They told us it was a bacterial infection/pneumonia/chest infection they weren’t sure. She had fluid on her lungs. (Pleural effusions) I knew it was more than that. I think they did too. When they told us 4 days later she had malignant cells in the fluid and lung cancer with just days left it just blew us apart. Last year I moved away so this year only saw her every 6 weeks. Whereas before we used to meet up every week. But I had seen her 6 weeks previous she looked fine. Just terrible back ache. They don’t know the primary source of the cancer. So many anaswered questions. And my dad doesn’t want an autopsy. My husband has been amazing. He was in the room when I held mum whilst she took her last breath. I keep replaying that last week and getting flashbacks. Cancer is so cruel

Julesbeachy

13-09-19, 09:11

Dad has been giving me an idea of some other symptoms she was experiencing which I won’t detail on here as don’t want to trigger anyone. But it seems that they didn’t think anything of them. They went to the dr 4 times though.

BlueIris

13-09-19, 09:59

Jules, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Will be thinking of you.

darkside4k

13-09-19, 17:24

I'm really sorry to hear about your mom. Wishing you peace.

pulisa

13-09-19, 17:58

My Mum died of cancerous cells in the lung lining as a secondary from breast cancer. It was very quick for her too. The shock is just awful for the family. I do very much feel for you at this horrendous time. I think the only consolation-for what it's worth- is that she didn't suffer weeks and weeks of excruciating pain but I know that will mean nothing to you at this stage

Julesbeachy

13-09-19, 18:29

pulisa

13-09-19, 19:40

Thank you all for your lovely messages. Pulisa mums primary was unknown because she was too weak for further investigation. I have wondered if it was breast too. Aggressive. But I honestly do take comfort that it was quick. She was so afraid of cancer had Health Anxiety for 50 years. But she only knew she had it for two days before she died. And she mercifully didn’t have a slow long process.

I think you have to hang on to this, Jules. But at the moment I'm sure you can't. You must look after your own mental health as much as you can now. There are no rules with bereavement.

Scass

13-09-19, 20:23

I’m so sorry for your loss. It must be such an awful shock.
I know from my own experience of grief that it can be a physical thing too, and so I can understand why you’d get symptoms and pains.
Good idea to be in contact with counsellors, possibly your gp too. Xx

Julesbeachy

13-09-19, 20:58

I do ache all over and today I have been able to be a bit more rational that they are “stress” aches. I have to not let my mind wander too much. I’ve seen and experienced what uncontrolled health anxiety can do. And I refuse to let it drag me down. I’ve just got to try and just ignore that “whisper” and focus just on my grief and work through that. Thank you all. So appreciated. X

pulisa

13-09-19, 21:04

Keep posting on here if it helps? I'm sure you will be very busy with preparations for the funeral but we may be able to support you in some small way if you need to offload..xx

MyNameIsTerry

14-09-19, 02:19

I'm really sorry to hear about your mum :hugs::flowers: I hope you are getting all the support you can and this place will be there for you so don't be afraid to post for support, have a rant or some a chat about something to retain some normality at this very difficult time. As pulisa says there are no rules and many on here have experienced such traumas so understand what you are going through.

Like pulisa says there is something in knowing she didn;t have to suffer but at the same time you must feel so cheated to have so little time. This type of trauma is also a very hard one to reconcile with HA when we send our time saying trust doctors and don't look at rare outcomes.

If your anxiety is a mess right now it is to be expected. Don't kick yourself for that and don't kick yourself for thinking you should be thinking about your mum and others because this is the exact time mental health issues are bound to take a massive knock. You will deal with it and you are entitled to feel as you do. And I'm sure you are supporting your family as they are you but we have a tendency to kick ourselves much harder than others could.

Julesbeachy

14-09-19, 09:10

You are all very kind. Thank you. I have a colonoscopy on Monday which Im absolutely dreading. I’m slightly anemic. And had bowel problems which have now cleared up (I’ve been waiting 3 months for the colonoscopy). but I have a slightly elevated calprotectin level. So I have this going on in my head. I don’t think the drs are concerned so I’m trying to remain calm. Mums funeral on Thursday. My head is all over the place. Thank you so much for letting me talk. Had a dreadful dream last night of death and illness. But it’s a lovely day here so I’m going to take my children to the beach. I never let them see my anxieties. But I do let them see me cry over nanny.

pulisa

14-09-19, 17:48

It's such an awful time to have to have a colonoscopy and I hope you get some reassuring news on Monday which will help calm your HA fears.

It's completely normal and healthy to let your children see you cry. Why shouldn't you? You've lost your beloved Mum and are grieving for her. You had no real preparation for it and are in shock. I hope your children can bring you some comfort and that your day at the beach was peaceful. Take each hour as it comes and look after yourself-next week will be gruelling but you will get through it xx

Julesbeachy

15-09-19, 09:38

I was ok about this colonoscopy have had moments of panic. But now the nerves are really setting in as to what they will
Find. I have low iron. That’s really my only symptom. And slightly elevated calprotectin. All my other symptoms have gone now and settled. Because they cancelled my initial procedure. It’s been months since I first went to dr.

I had a good cry all day yesterday with the kids and my husband. It was good for us all.

FamilyPicnic

15-09-19, 23:42

Julesbeachy - I am so sorry to read what you have been going through. You are grieving and hurting for so many reasons and that is normal and okay - losing someone you love hurts. Your anxiety about the reasons behind her death are normal. Please remember that you are not your mother, just because it happened to her doesn't mean it will happen to you. I wish I had the right words to say or could make the pain go away for you but only time can do that. And you will feel better, probably not today or tomorrow but eventually you will smile once again. Be gentle with yourself, let people take care of you. I'm sending you hugs and hugs.

Scass

16-09-19, 07:13

That’s a relief about the procedure. Also the good family cry. Huge hugs, you are coping brilliantly.

pulisa

16-09-19, 08:15

Good luck for today. Last thing you need but just get yourself checked out. You'll only worry otherwise and a normal result will be very reassuring xx

Julesbeachy

16-09-19, 09:41

Thank you all again for such kind words. My app is at 3.30. Been through the prep drink hell. Very nervous. But glad it’s nearly over and done with it’s been hanging over me for ages. And I’m also starving and can’t wait to eat tonight. I’ll update tonight. Fingers crossed. Xx

BlueIris

16-09-19, 09:50

Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Julesbeachy

16-09-19, 18:00

Hi all. Colonoscopy done. He said all looked fine. He’s taken several biopsies. Not because anything looked dodgy. But because I tested for slight inflammation on the calprotectin he took biopsies to check for any microscopic inflammation as he couldn’t see anything on the camera. He said all looks fine. Just making doubly sure. So I hope that is a good sign.