View Full Version : Obsessed with morality/laws.
I just feel like I'm losing my sanity. I believe I have OCD, and I have a very obsessive nature. For a year now I've been obsessed with morality, completely obsessed with it. Obsessed with my actions, obsessed with my thoughts. Its ruining my life now and I dont feel comfortable talking to a therapist about anything.
At the moment the things I deal with are, I am too scared to learn to drive incase I cause an accident and end up in jail, I walk a certain way in in shops so CCTV is clear that I am not stealing anything, I check my pockets/bag to makesure nothing fell in. I make sure I am safe browing constantly and visiting only a few sites (facebook/youtube etc) and definitely not adult sites as I am too frightened I could come into contact with an illegal link or pop up or something. I talk about these intrusive thoughts/fears with people on facebook intrusive thought support groups, and I have this horrible thought that my fb messages will be hacked and everything will be interpreted wrongly and I will be falsely accused of something just because I am talking about these absurd but distressing thoughts. I always have to check to makesure I've not written false untrue confessions anywhere (this one is ridiculous but I really do feel the need to be certain I havent). I cannot read the news, I cannot bare to read news stories on crimes or criminals and when I do I feel immense anxiety. I read them sometimes to check how I feel, and if I am disgusted by the crimes etc. I confess and reassurance seek constantly, if i tell a lie or gossip, i confess. I want to be honest and morally perfect and i know that's probably impossible.i also mentally review all memories I have to makesure I have not been immoral in the past.
My thoughts even convince me posting or speaking about these thoughts is a crime. I understand the ridiculousness and irrationality, and yet I cant stop this absurd/distressing thought pattern. Its been a year of suffering with this theme and I dont know how much more I can take.
This is really debilitating, I'm barely living my life. I always have to check if I am a moral person, I think I am one of the most law abiding people and never have I had the intentions to not be that, but these obsessions are ruining my life. I cant live like this.
Mav, you haven't posted in a bit. Last time it was about the same thing and getting meds to help. Did you ever follow thorough? I'm sorry to see you struggling like this. I think it's time to seek real life professional help.
Positive thoughts
I agree with FMP. This 100% sounds like bad OCD.
Mav, you haven't posted in a bit. Last time it was about the same thing and getting meds to help. Did you ever follow thorough? I'm sorry to see you struggling like this. I think it's time to seek real life professional help.
Positive thoughts
I'm just too scared to talk about my thoughts, I feel like someones going to lock me away and throw away the key or something. The only relief I get is typing the thoughts up on anxiety forums like this or support groups or a few kind people over the internet who understand anxiety/ocd thoughts.
I am going to the docs soon and I will ask for medication, I know it sounds disgustingly vain and stupid but I'm scared I will gain weight on medication, I'm petrified of it actually so that stops me from even asking for that (I obsessed about my weight too...). I know that I am falling into patterns of thinking that last me hours, if not days sometimes, I am achieving nothing and you could call me bed ridden at this point. It's so sad, I'm only 21.
Isnt it crazy how obsessions switch? I remember my billion threads on my health fears, now I actually would not care even a little bit if tomorrow I was given a diagnoses of terminal cancer or something. Thats how severe this whole theme switching obsessing is , makes me sick, I wish I had a normal functioning brain.
I agree with FMP. This 100% sounds like bad OCD.
See for 5 seconds that reassures me, but then instantly I feel like, what if it's not OCD? What if I am an immoral human being? What if I am trying to make people believe its OCD and I am making up a lie? Ugh.
1 minute I feel reassured, the next another thought attacks it. Sometimes my intrusive thoughts are so bad I actually feel a physical sensation as if somebody smacked my in my face with their hand. Ughhh.
See for 5 seconds that reassures me, but then instantly I feel like, what if it's not OCD? What if I am an immoral human being? What if I am trying to make people believe its OCD and I am making up a lie? Ugh.
1 minute I feel reassured, the next another thought attacks it. Sometimes my intrusive thoughts are so bad I actually feel a physical sensation as if somebody smacked my in my face with their hand. Ughhh.
That supports seeking real life professional help 100%! There's no shame in it! Please, call your doctor, explain your thoughts, perhaps let them read your posts if you're too insecure to speak about it and get the the help you so desperately need.
Positive thoughts
MyNameIsTerry
16-09-19, 02:17
Mav,
What are you doing to reduce overall levels if anxiety? Are you stuck inside all the time due to all this?
I think you need to examine what you have just written to see where the compulsions are. You have detailed checking, testing, reassurance seeking. There is also avoidance in here. These will all trap you in the cycle.
You can never be 100% in many things in life. Aiming for such rigid high standards is about perfectionism. Then when you don't hit your perceived high standards you fall into the cycle whether there is any justification for it.
You will be kicking yourself for past mistakes rather than trying to accept we all make them and many if not most we can learn to accept. But if you want to look back at a 100% moralistic existence I'm not sure there will be a human being who ever lived who can do it. Maybe even Mother Theresa had the occasional intrusive thought like "oh no, not this nonsense again" :winks:
Remember that we have forgiveness and we have to learn to apply to ourselves. We have to direct compassion to ourselves. In any faith there is repentance as we are only mortal and expected to make mistakes. Mistakes are learning experiences.
You are not the sum of your thoughts. As we have discussed before, and I'm sure many times on your FB pages, they are not reflections of our morality. They are move thoughts dropping out of the normal process, outliers, that the subconscious doesn't know what to do with and needs guidance from the conscious mind. There is no point trying to trace where they come from, a hidden monster we fear we could become, because science tells us all humans have the capacity for these thoughts because they are just part of our normal brain function.
Look to who you really are. You fear all these things because morality is important to you. You want to be a good person. But based on how you act in your life, the things you do for others and how you speak to others aren't you a good person already?
I would also suggest talking to a family member too. We have discussed things in the past and you have found things were not as bad as your mind was making them when you spoke to a loved one. I suspect this will help you hear to deal with morality tied in with faith issues.
Have I ever told you the story about my old roommate, Mav?
Have I ever told you the story about my old roommate, Mav?
No, but I'd love to hear it I'm sure.
Mav,
What are you doing to reduce overall levels if anxiety? Are you stuck inside all the time due to all this?
I think you need to examine what you have just written to see where the compulsions are. You have detailed checking, testing, reassurance seeking. There is also avoidance in here. These will all trap you in the cycle.
You can never be 100% in many things in life. Aiming for such rigid high standards is about perfectionism. Then when you don't hit your perceived high standards you fall into the cycle whether there is any justification for it.
You will be kicking yourself for past mistakes rather than trying to accept we all make them and many if not most we can learn to accept. But if you want to look back at a 100% moralistic existence I'm not sure there will be a human being who ever lived who can do it. Maybe even Mother Theresa had the occasional intrusive thought like "oh no, not this nonsense again" :winks:
Remember that we have forgiveness and we have to learn to apply to ourselves. We have to direct compassion to ourselves. In any faith there is repentance as we are only mortal and expected to make mistakes. Mistakes are learning experiences.
You are not the sum of your thoughts. As we have discussed before, and I'm sure many times on your FB pages, they are not reflections of our morality. They are move thoughts dropping out of the normal process, outliers, that the subconscious doesn't know what to do with and needs guidance from the conscious mind. There is no point trying to trace where they come from, a hidden monster we fear we could become, because science tells us all humans have the capacity for these thoughts because they are just part of our normal brain function.
Look to who you really are. You fear all these things because morality is important to you. You want to be a good person. But based on how you act in your life, the things you do for others and how you speak to others aren't you a good person already?
I would also suggest talking to a family member too. We have discussed things in the past and you have found things were not as bad as your mind was making them when you spoke to a loved one. I suspect this will help you hear to deal with morality tied in with faith issues.
Hi Terry,
thankyou as always for posting your help.
I do struggle to see what my compulsions are which makes everything more difficult, I think to help myself I should just exit all the support groups I have been in online so that I can stop reassurance seeking, as that is a compulsion I am sure, but I am terrfied of being completely left in the dark.
I am inside a lot of the time, I have enrolled onto distance learning courses to get my A-levels, and I am struggling to stay on track with those, I cannot afford to waste another year of my life like this, I've already wasted many with health obsessions in the past. Ugh.
Thankyou for that insight on mistakes, I think my brain is terrfied of acceptance with these morality concerned themes, I remember the acceptance that helped me overcome all those health fears, it was simply "I may or may not have cancer, if I do then I have the ability to deal with it when the time comes", but how in the world can you be uncertain and practice acceptance with morality themes, morality is something most human beings never question and hold so dearly to themeselves, this is where I guess the root cause of my problem is.
You're right, these fears are because I do care about being a good person, and doing the right thing always, I hate how strong OCD thoughts get, the worst and most uncomfortable part of all this is when it questions if my actions were moral, if I've ever done anythign wrong? what if I have forgotten about it? what if there are some repressed memories I will one day remember? I understand that I am not thinking in a way to truly reflect on myself, but it is terrfying how strong and real these thoughts feel.
I do remember terry when you said that OCD likes to dig into all out old files, mine definately does that, and that can be debilitating if I spend too long on the thought.
I have spoken to some family members about the fearful thoughts, albiet light heartedly, and they all laugh and call my thoughts/fears ridiculous, and constantly tell me I am a good moral person, but what use is this when I can't believe it?
It always terrfies me if this isn't all OCD.
I do educate myself on intrusive thoughts, I am trying to get through the books on intrusive thoughts, a lot of them mention writing out scripts of your worst intrusive thoughts being real, as ERP excercises but I cannot bring myself to do this, I don't know if I ever will be able too, so I feel like I am stuck. :(
Have I ever told you the story about my old roommate, Mav?
No, but I would love to know
MyNameIsTerry
17-09-19, 02:35
Mav,
This is just a quick response as I'm short on time tonight so will come back to you with something better later. But you said you struggle to see your compulsions so I thought it would be useful to break them out of the text you already gave us. You detail them well and we will see them standing out but it can be hard from your side with your head in such a mess. So, get them into a list.
Once you have a list you can work on them individually. ERP tends to be a good way and with yours it will be more about resisting compulsion most likely by reducing check volume and inserting longer periods between the fear arising and the check starting.
I wouldn't worry too much about the reassurance seeking on forums because I don't think you do much of that anyway compared to some on here. And my concern is you will cut yourself off from helpful support. If you have a plan and will see it through on your own with support offline then great but if not it is better to have online support (and you can change how you use a site to something more aimed at recovery anyway) than be isolated.
At the moment the things I deal with are, I am too scared to learn to drive incase I cause an accident and end up in jail,
Not compulsion, a lack of self confidence keeping you from moving forward with something you want to do. The same as being afraid to go on holiday because of somethign bad happening.
I walk a certain way in in shops so CCTV is clear that I am not stealing anything,
This might be a compulsion tied in with some Magical Thinking in a similiar manner to walking on cracks to ensure something bad doesn't happen.
I check my pockets/bag to makesure nothing fell in.
Checking compulsion and some Magical Thinking involved.
I make sure I am safe browing constantly and visiting only a few sites (facebook/youtube etc) and definitely not adult sites as I am too frightened I could come into contact with an illegal link or pop up or something.
Checking compulsion and avoidance.
I talk about these intrusive thoughts/fears with people on facebook intrusive thought support groups, and I have this horrible thought that my fb messages will be hacked and everything will be interpreted wrongly and I will be falsely accused of something just because I am talking about these absurd but distressing thoughts. I always have to check to makesure I've not written false untrue confessions anywhere (this one is ridiculous but I really do feel the need to be certain I havent).
Checking compulsion.
I cannot read the news, I cannot bare to read news stories on crimes or criminals and when I do I feel immense anxiety. I read them sometimes to check how I feel, and if I am disgusted by the crimes etc.
Avoidance.
Check/testing compulsion aimed at proving an accepted reaction takes place.
I confess and reassurance seek constantly, if i tell a lie or gossip, i confess.
Confession compulsion to seek reassurance of doing nothing wrong or to neutralise.
i also mentally review all memories I have to makesure I have not been immoral in the past.
Confirmation Bias, looking for flaws to validate a fear. It's little different to looking for some cancer stories to match your symptoms to. It's also a cycle starter because like the check/testing mentioned above these will just lead onto more obsessive-compulsive cycles.
A common error in searching memories is forgetting the "you of the time". For instance, some worry they did things to siblings but they forget that expert groups like the NSCPCC say it's fine for a child of that age. It would be obviously wrong for an adult to some xyz in that situation but the anxious person forgets to apply the child's eyes.
So one day when I was in college I woke up to one of my roommates duct-taping the kitchen drawers shut. I asked her why she was doing this, and she said it was so she couldn't get to the knives. When I asked her what was up with the knives, she said she was afraid something bad was going to happen to us...that either she or someone else was going to get to the knives and hurt us. She was trying to keep us safe. Needless to say, we knew something wasn't right, and since we were in college, we were able to take her to the university health center. Turns out she had been having thoughts like this for a long time, but she never said anything about it because she was we would think she was crazy. She used to do things like check her car to make sure she didn't hit anyone on the way home and triple check doors to make sure she didn't lock my cat in the garage. None of us even knew.
We all met with a psychologist there after her intake, including her family, and they explained that no, she wasn't crazy, she just had OCD. Long story short, after she got some therapy and took medication, she was stable. You'd never know she had OCD...especially OCD that was that bad. We're still friends today, twenty years later, and she's doing well. She had some hiccups after the birth of her first child, but other than that, A-okay.
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