Will I get worse than what it is..... now?

[animal-mad-nikk]

Hi all,

Moan..moan..moan..moan is all I seem to do now. Sorry


Im cutting the story short as it took me ages to type and it didnt save! :weep:

The time when I thought nothing else would happen but it has. Started college fine but then disater stuck...I managed to make it to college and not chicken out at all as i started of one day for the first week and gradually got to the full 3 days but .....WHHHAAMMMMMM.....tuesday of last week hit, I was doing really well and coping sort of ok, I spoke to me tutor about things and she understood me loads and said she will be there if i need anything and all this nice things. but when the disater stuck, it stuck bad..I was doing ok and feeling proud of myself for being in college and not letting agrohobia win anymore but I didnt know what had hit me..I was just getting ready for the tutorial to start after lunch..so there I am sat in my room waiting for things to come, when a man who is on a course there comes in to see some people who are on my course. He was talking to them and then turned to me saying loads and loads of things to me like I hope you enjoy being my girlfriend and when I next see you Im going to get you this and this and we will be happy together and sooo much more, this then turned out to involve inapporpiate touching which I couldnt handle at all...so there goes me brust out crying and walking out of classroom to get away from things as I didnt quite know what to do. So I told my tutor who tried to help me as I was close to a breakdown, she had to pass it on to senior head who doubt with it. FFS he was 47years old, surely he should know better than that.
The day adventually passed and I felt safer going home than being at the college. I started getting over it and kept thinking I can do tomorrow, I can do it no matter what....Wednesday comes...I get up feeling okish to go to college so I give it try. Managed to ge there ok only a few panicky moments on the way but I still got there. Started going ok, kept myself busy as much as I could then the next moment there he is watching everything I do.. I burst into tears yet again. I felt better in the situation as it wasnt as bad at the day before.

Ever since this happened, I feel as tho Im in constant shock and panic, I cant control my panic attacks anymore and its just got ot much to handle now. I cant sleep and just cry nearly all the day and night as its too bad. I dont wanna be here anymore, Im desperate to give up but thats not the point. All I do is stay in bed and hide so I dont have to face the world anymore. I just end up cutting again and again and I ended up doing it quite badly last night and I dont fully rememeber doing it cos of my panic attacks.

I have nothing to do anymore, the way I feel I will quit college as my agrophobias getting and will be taking over everything soon.

Im going to stop and go to bed..Im crying big-time and feeling better by getting it of my chest but my panic attacks are coming as Im shaking but I guess, I'll hide away and not be noticed on here anymore.

Sorry
Nikk xxxxxxxx:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[thedood]

You were doing so well. This is not the end...you must calm down and get some perspective because right now you are being irrational. You are going through a bad patch and even though it feels like the beginning of the end I can assure you its not. Most people on this forum can identify with what you're going through, including me.

You are not hiding, you will be able to eventually go back to college but you need to remind yourself that your panic levels will eventually drop to a more manageable level soon as long as you can stop catastrophizing everything in your mind about the future. Just sit still and try to clear you head, breathe through your diaphragm and try to calm down. Don't let those negative thoughts distract you - they will pass eventually. But right now you are fuelling your panic. You've done so well even though you thought you couldn't. You will overcome this even though you think you can't. Just give yourself time to reduce those anxiety levels and stop putting pressure on yourself. It will be ok. Its only natural that you will have bumps in the road initially so don't beat yourself up about it.

And remember, you're not alone..