Not doing well (Explanation)

[always scared]

:weep:
I just wanted to come on here to explain where Im coming from. I started a post last night freaking out about cancer again. Just one person answered. I feel like people are judging me and are stay clear of me because i go on these incoherent posts and than refuse to go see a doctor to get myself checked out.

I've had HA all my life. It' got really bad in my early 20s I'm now 50. I use to go to the doctors almost weekly cause I was freaking out over cancer. I've had therapy I've been on meds. All of that helped and I was coping well or thought I was. Got married started a family and things just feel apart for me after that. My second child Christopher got sick when he was 4 yrs old. He was diagnosed with a rare brain tumour. MY world fell apart and has never been the same since. I buried my son Christopher 18 years ago today. I know first hand how unforgiven this awful monster is. No tests ever came back with hope. I watched my healthy 4yr old suffer and waste away for 3 yrs. I'm not writing this for sympathy I just want everyone know where my fears are coming from about going to get test done.

As I start getting older I know that I too will end up with cancer. I just don't know which one yet. I feel like I've entered into some evil lottery and I'm waiting on the wheel to tell my what cancer I have landed on. Yes my mind is messed up and I don't know if I will every be able to fix it. I try everyday for my kids but I'm slowing losing the battle. I am so tired of being scared. I just come on here when I'm at the bottom of the hole and just what to hear any hope or reassurance . I don't what to sound like basket case who doesn't want to get help for herself. I just can't do it The fear is so terrifying and paralyzing. So I live and fear everyday and with every recurring symptom I get one step closer to losing this fight. :weep:
4903My beautiful son Christopher June 21, 1994- October 7, 2001

[BlueIris]

Sorry, me again.

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss - of course something like that is going to traumatise you.

People have various reasons for not responding, though - especially people with anxiety - and most of the time that has more to do with them than it does with you. I don't think anybody's judging you.

I might not reply to a post for any or all of the following reasons:
* Too busy at work
* Reading posts on my phone and would rather reply at length when I have PC access
* Uncertain what to say as I have no relevant experience (this is a big one!)
* Convinced whatever I do say will be too glib/irrelevant/lacking in detail
* Too tired to gather my thoughts properly
* Too anxious to gather my thoughts properly
* Aware that other forum users have greater experience in a specific area

Trust me, it will almost never be about you.

[sial72]

I don't know what to say other than God bless you and I wish there was some way I could help you

[NervUs]

I am sorry that you are feeling fearful and unanswered. I have never seen your posts before, but I don't check this board everyday and usually only open 1 or 2 posts.

You have been through trauma. I can and can't imagine losing a child, especially to something like cancer that involves protracted suffering :-( You deserve sympathy, even though you didn't ask for it.

I have gone through periods of being intensely fearful of cancer and dying from cancer. I am at a point, now, that my health anxiety is at bay and, I will tell you, one of the most helpful things I ever did for myself was to come to peace with cancer. Now, this is all hypothetical, of course, but I've accepted that if I get it, I get it. I would have no choice but to go through whatever my experience would be, and the end result might be my death, and everyone close to me (especially my kids) would have to go through whatever it is they would have to go through. That is simply life. I go to my routine health checks, get screenings that are recommended (I have been through 4 cancer scares in the sense of imaging or biopsy was recommended), and go to the doctor IF I have a health symptom impeding my life in some way (i.e. I have asthma and sometimes need to go to breathe). Getting to acceptance relieved the health anxiety. I don't jump to Cancer anymore or, if I do, I can get my brain to move on quickly. All of this takes work, work that you are now spending on worry about cancer. Can you think of anything you can do to get yourself to a place of acceptance, either alone or with a therapist if you don't have one? It is possible you have unresolved trauma from your son's illness that you still have to work through. Just my thoughts.

[Elen]

As BI has stated there are many reasons why people do not reply.

We are all sufferers here. Can I ask if you take time out to re-assure others on here?

[Carys]

I feel like people are judging me and are stay clear of me because i go on these incoherent posts and than refuse to go see a doctor to get myself checked out.

Well, I can assure you that won't be the case and that is just part of the low-esteem, fearful, negative hole you are currently in making you feel that way. I didn't see your post, but can re-iterate what has been said above my Blue - there are many many reasons that people don't reply and I guarantee they aren't to do with anything about you personally. There are often many many posts on here that get no answers at all, sadly, and its a real problem thats come up as a discussion point before.

I'm sorry you are feeling so low about things, and I can certainly see why you would be struggling but nobody wil be avoiding you.

[always scared]

As BI has stated there are many reasons why people do not reply.

We are all sufferers here. Can I ask if you take time out to re-assure others on here?

Very good point Elen. When I'm on here that means I'm having a full melt down. I'm so focused on my own symptoms that I really see anything else. Though I have tried to help out in the past when I can .

Thank you ladies for your replies.