always scared
10-10-19, 14:31
:weep:
I just wanted to come on here to explain where Im coming from. I started a post last night freaking out about cancer again. Just one person answered. I feel like people are judging me and are stay clear of me because i go on these incoherent posts and than refuse to go see a doctor to get myself checked out.
I've had HA all my life. It' got really bad in my early 20s I'm now 50. I use to go to the doctors almost weekly cause I was freaking out over cancer. I've had therapy I've been on meds. All of that helped and I was coping well or thought I was. Got married started a family and things just feel apart for me after that. My second child Christopher got sick when he was 4 yrs old. He was diagnosed with a rare brain tumour. MY world fell apart and has never been the same since. I buried my son Christopher 18 years ago today. I know first hand how unforgiven this awful monster is. No tests ever came back with hope. I watched my healthy 4yr old suffer and waste away for 3 yrs. I'm not writing this for sympathy I just want everyone know where my fears are coming from about going to get test done.
As I start getting older I know that I too will end up with cancer. I just don't know which one yet. I feel like I've entered into some evil lottery and I'm waiting on the wheel to tell my what cancer I have landed on. Yes my mind is messed up and I don't know if I will every be able to fix it. I try everyday for my kids but I'm slowing losing the battle. I am so tired of being scared. I just come on here when I'm at the bottom of the hole and just what to hear any hope or reassurance . I don't what to sound like basket case who doesn't want to get help for herself. I just can't do it The fear is so terrifying and paralyzing. So I live and fear everyday and with every recurring symptom I get one step closer to losing this fight. :weep:
4903My beautiful son Christopher June 21, 1994- October 7, 2001
I just wanted to come on here to explain where Im coming from. I started a post last night freaking out about cancer again. Just one person answered. I feel like people are judging me and are stay clear of me because i go on these incoherent posts and than refuse to go see a doctor to get myself checked out.
I've had HA all my life. It' got really bad in my early 20s I'm now 50. I use to go to the doctors almost weekly cause I was freaking out over cancer. I've had therapy I've been on meds. All of that helped and I was coping well or thought I was. Got married started a family and things just feel apart for me after that. My second child Christopher got sick when he was 4 yrs old. He was diagnosed with a rare brain tumour. MY world fell apart and has never been the same since. I buried my son Christopher 18 years ago today. I know first hand how unforgiven this awful monster is. No tests ever came back with hope. I watched my healthy 4yr old suffer and waste away for 3 yrs. I'm not writing this for sympathy I just want everyone know where my fears are coming from about going to get test done.
As I start getting older I know that I too will end up with cancer. I just don't know which one yet. I feel like I've entered into some evil lottery and I'm waiting on the wheel to tell my what cancer I have landed on. Yes my mind is messed up and I don't know if I will every be able to fix it. I try everyday for my kids but I'm slowing losing the battle. I am so tired of being scared. I just come on here when I'm at the bottom of the hole and just what to hear any hope or reassurance . I don't what to sound like basket case who doesn't want to get help for herself. I just can't do it The fear is so terrifying and paralyzing. So I live and fear everyday and with every recurring symptom I get one step closer to losing this fight. :weep:
4903My beautiful son Christopher June 21, 1994- October 7, 2001