I'm my own worst enemy and i regret it

[Phoenixess]

I was getting so fed up of myself and my anxiety today i decided to pretend i was back to normal. I tried a few cigarettes they weren't a problem! i was elated....next my friends and i all went to the pub i had two 175ml white zinfendel spritzers with lemonade, so not only was i attempting to drink alcohol i managed to have full blown paranoia on every single sip which has transpired into full blown anxiety and panic since then. I have had three episodes int he last two hours ive needed to lie on the floor i keep convincing myself im having a heart attack or going lose conciousness and die. my heart rate went up but stayed consistent but that could have been the effects of the wine alongside my panic.
i then just had a hot shower and my heart rate went even higher i lay on the floor thinking i was going to die. i feel so guilty and horrible and im scared i wont sleep, in fact i know i wont sleep because ive worked myself up about this so bad. whats worse is i used to drink tonnes more than i did tonight and now im scared what i must have put my body through for years on end. im desperatly upset and scared my heart rate wont go back to normal i feel horrible

[ankietyjoe]

This is one of those lesson learned, time to move on situations.

Surprise, smoking and drinking are bad for you, and the human body doesn't like it!

I've found in situations where you get SO worked up (I've been through it many times) your heart rate can stay high for hours and hours. It's not dangerous and doesn't mean you're doing yourself any damage, so just let it happen and be mindful until it passes. You'll be fine.

[Phoenixess]

Everyone tells me it isn’t dangerous and isn’t bad but I’m curious if over working the heart over time surely that can cause some damages to the heart muscle that’s what concerns me?


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[nomorepanic]

highly unlikely

[ankietyjoe]

Everyone tells me it isn’t dangerous and isn’t bad but I’m curious if over working the heart over time surely that can cause some damages to the heart muscle that’s what concerns me?


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You're not overworking the heart. Sniffing a gram of coke and then running a marathon, that's overworking the heart.

[Phoenixess]

That’s good to know I never ever knew that because that’s one of my anxieties is that all my panics and palpatations over the years will damage my heart and then I’ll suddenly end up with an onset of heart disease and die suddenly


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[Phoenixess]

You're not overworking the heart. Sniffing a gram of coke and then running a marathon, that's overworking the heart.

I’m too scared to try coke I’d never do that I don’t know how people do it that terrifies me if I touched that I think I’d almost have signed myself to death


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[ankietyjoe]

Well I have tried it years ago, way before I had anxiety. It'll push your heart rate up a lot for hours, so I would concur...don't try it. Well, don't try it anyway. It turns you into an ******* and gets very expensive very quickly.

Anyway, it's your own focusing on your heart rate that is the issue here, not the heart rate itself.

In a few periods of extreme stress in my life I took myself off to A&E with uncontrolled tachycardia. This has happened a number of times where my heart rate would stick over 120bpm for 24-36 hours and not one of the Doctors was concerned. It's just not dangerous in any way. If it was happening because of heart disease, that's a different story, but in your case it's not. Your heart is simply responding to chemical and emotional stress, and doing exactly what it's supposed to do.

Doesn't matter how much you could drink before, those days are gone.

[Phoenixess]

Ah gotcha....yes i believe those days have gone now too. This is all so concerning for me makes me feel rubbish and sad and crap like im a nonfunctional human......(my negatives towards myself are not my opinions on anyone else here by the way as i am aware we all suffer the same i just possess alot of self hatred towards myself)

Im just extremely concerned that a few years of extreme and i mean extreme stress had damaged my system hence now i am suffering from these problems, before i was thriving on stress it got me through everything and the most difficult situations in my life. Now everything is stable i am left with my system not happy and suffering isnt the word....
starting cbt tomorrow, im a bit apprehensive as im concerned what if i dont like it or i dont see results or i go and they say they cant help me or even worse if i go and im honest they want to section me? im trying to write all the things im fixated on which cause me panic.... heart and heart rate are my number 1

[ankietyjoe]

Well the short answer is yes, extreme stress can damage your central nervous system, and that's what happened to me. I have had an absurd amount of continual stress, and it causes you damage both physically and mentally.

However, this situation is temporary if you allow you body to repair itself, which it will. The absolute worst thing you can do is add more stress by smoking, drinking, staying up late.....fixating on your heart rate.....

Fixating on heart rates was my number one bad habit for years, and it's something I would urge you to stop doing immediately. I don't care that it's hard (which I know it is), just stop. It's your perception of the problem that is the problem, not the actual heart rate. Again... your heart is doing exactly what it's designed to do under situations of stress. Your job is to remove as much stress as possible, including your own self talk. For example, the idea that you'll be sectioned is completely ridiculous. My partner is a true, suicidal schizophrenic with over 30 different personalities. She hasn't been sectioned, and works in a school. The school are very aware of her condition and love her working there. Your perception of a mental health issue is the issue. You are listing multiple worst case scenario's, when all you really need to do is rest and let your body fix itself. Which it will. But it takes bloody ages, so be patient!

[Phoenixess]

how long realistically? and thank you your words are what ive been wanting someone to tell me is that i will get better from this........
im trying really hard to shift my obsessive thoughts.......i dont want to try medication that will be my final resort

[ankietyjoe]

Well how long very much depends on you. You can beat anxiety without medication, I did.

The most crucial thing to consider right now is acceptance (you will come across this word a lot if you research anxiety recovery) Accept that you have been through a shitty time, accept that anxiety is here, accept that it will make you feel awful sometimes and accept that your heart rate will go up when you're anxious. Anxiety is a natural part of life, but it becomes a disorder when it's self sustaining. When you become aware of your anxiety and the anxiety itself becomes the trigger, we have a problem. The main problem is that you cannot run from it, it's internal. You cannot 'cure' it, it's a physiological reaction to fear or stress. So the only thing you can do is alter the way you react to it, and that is the key to recovery.

In terms of time, it's not a fast process. Months, years in some cases. But, once you 'accept' this is where you are and start the process of changing the way YOU are, and once you see light at the end of the tunnel, the amount of time it takes becomes less important.

Think about what CBT stands for, it's cognitive (mind) behavioral (the things we do) therapy (a healing treatment). These words mean that we are changing the way we think to heal. If somebody says 'IT' didn't work, it's almost certainly because they put the onus on the treatment, not themselves. It's up to you to change the way you behave and think, and it's remarkably simple once you get it, although does take practice. CBT is just one (and a good one) method of achieving that.

For me it was a combination of many things. I changed my diet (important), I started meditating (incredibly important), removed all possible stress from my life (impossible to remove it all, but what you can) and you really do need to cut out things like booze, smoking and drugs.

So next time your heart speeds up (and it will), tell yourself that it doesn't matter, and it will pass. Tell yourself that over and over again. That's where you start.

[Phoenixess]

that makes alot of sense, what diet tips did you change? im feeling hopeful now, looking forward to the day i too can say i 'used' to suffer like this

[ankietyjoe]

10-15 portions of fruit and veg a day, heavier on the veg. That's really what we should be eating. No crap, remove sugar as much as possible, remove processed foods as much as possible. I also heavily supplement with high quality probiotics, Vitamin D3, Magnesium and Zinc (more of a dude thing). Right now I'm doing a lot of vegetable smoothies and I buy as much meat as possible from my butcher (higher quality). The main thing is to remove processed foods, especially bread/pasta etc. That's not to say I don't eat them sometimes because I do, but I heavily make up for that with my vegetable intake....preferably organic.

[Phoenixess]

i think my issue is ready meals im not a huge carb eater as i suffer with IBS but i do lack on my fruit and veg intake! i was attempting to transition to vegetarianism but ended up having chicken balls tonight (fail)
curiously you said zinc, i have tried zinc supplements before even though im a female but i did notice a brightening of my mind.....almost like a light bulb moment after i took them but i must be careful as im on hormone treatment from a gynaecologist so they could throw me off kilter with their testosterone link.... i used to take probiotics as i suffer psoriasis and gut health is key... might try it again...never tried vit d3 or magnesium?

[ankietyjoe]

You kinda need to find out what's best for you. For example, your hormone treatment may (or may not) be contributing to your overall anxiety. Most systems in the body are linked and work on some kind of balance mechanism. Your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems being an example, or your sodium intake effecting your potassium intake and vice versa.

Vegetarianism in itself isn't healthy or unhealthy, it's really about whole foods vs processed foods, and ready meals are (as you are probably aware) a nutritional wasteland.

Nutrition is such an underrated component of recovery, but still just one component.

[Phoenixess]

i couldnt agree more.....
my specialist has said my hormones cause my anxiety unfortunately due to a bereavement and other life changing events in the last 18 months i feel they have only intensified the anxiety from the life events....my treatment is currently stable so all that i experience is residual stress from the life experinces in the last 18 months....
at one point my mum had a life threatening illness which saw her admitted in a precarious state to hospital for 12 admissions before she had a five hour operation to resolve the issue. i saw her bleed out twice unresponsive and i had to hold the bowls to catch the blood as she bled on numerous occasions, i think i neglected myself during this period of caring for her from april last year until her surgery in july and as she recovered from the surgery and got better i fell into a deep dark depression it was harder to manage from being on high alert 24/7 to shes ok... of course i was thrilled but the mind doesnt catch up that quickly.
after that in january this year my grandma died suddendly, and my other grandma became house bound who i care for now and then my mum whos just got over that operation last year fell and smashed her leg on a road. then at one point mum was house bound my gran and grandpa were house bound and no one else is around i had to care for all three, run two house holds and do my second year at uni all whilst grieving for my grandma who died in January.
i didnt stop for myself i neglected my treatment at the hospital for me and i just kept going and here i am suffering for it. what can you do you just have to fight to keep going and now ive got my mum cancelling her holiday to stay here to look after me because my brain isnt functioning to my request. i do hope i can recover and better for it after all this.
i quit drinking and smoking in the summer for 8/9 weeks and during that time all my superficial anxiiety dissapated the one which told me i wasnt good enough and people hated me the one which stopped me doing alot of things i increased my self worth and then bang out of no where i was in an ambulance cant breath thought i was having a heart attack and everyone said it was anxiety and had i suffered stress in my life... and i replied no! because i thought everything i went through was perfectly normal as well as about to start my final year at uni to sugar coat the top of it all.
if im honest if i do stop i weep and i weep and weep and i dont want to cry but its very much under the surface.....i dont know where that ramble came from perhaps i need to share

[ankietyjoe]

I think you probably did need to share, but perhaps to yourself as much as anything. What you've been through is not only stressful, but also traumatic. Trauma can lead to feelings of self loathing for multiple reasons, but it's also good that you can recognise these things.

My partners trigger for her mental health condition was a near death experience during the birth of our second child. Like you I was there watching it, blood everywhere. I still can't think about it without 'being there', and even as I'm typing this I'm not feeling good about it, but you have to recognise what happened. Traumatic events stay with you and bury themselves inside you, but it doesn't mean they have to control you. You have to embrace them and feel what they do to you, it's part of life. Of course there are people who have experienced far worse trauma than we have (my partner being one, sexual abuse as a child), but that doesn't negate what we have experienced either.

So, what do you do? Self care is the key. Learn what it is that detracts from your health and learn what it is that improves your health, and pursue the things that improve it.

And meditate. Meditation is science backed magic.

[Phoenixess]

i cried as i wrote that, i know how it feels when our minds take us back to those times. im just sad so sad these feelings are there bubbling, when i get paranoid about my heart/death it numbs it all for a bit but then i have the other feelings. i feel i have changed as a person and its about learning who i am now and accepting the new me and liking her.
self care...something very new to me feels a bit selfish for me. meditation is on my list :)

[ankietyjoe]

It's not selfish at all. You can't help anybody if you're a mess. Self care is number one now.

[Phoenixess]

need to give it more of a go