View Full Version : Mute button...

13-11-19, 03:51
When I'm in social situations I really struggle, I interact because I force myself to but I'm absolutely curling up inside. I've learnt to compensate quite well but not really how to handle the aftermath and general anxiety.
I've had so many bad experiences that I just don't understand why anyone would want me around, I don't hate myself, I think I'm fine and enjoy my own company but when I'm around other people I feel really defective.

When someone is friendly and leads a conversation I'm fine at talking to them, even if it causes me some anxiety. But most people I come across seem to dislike me on sight.
One time in a book club I used the word "distraught" to describe a character and got chastised and asked to use simpler language, I don't feel like distraught is an especially complex word and it made me feel very self conscious and judged. Stuff like that happens a lot in groups. I feel like I'm established as the odd one out a lot and it's upsetting.

I feel like I always stick out, and it's stunning me into silence.
I'm genuinely finding it harder and harder to talk out loud, but I don't want to be silent, or unlikable or alone.

13-11-19, 06:05
Been there, done that. I spent literal decades trying to dumb myself down so my acquaintances (and immediate family, FFS!) would like me better.

Then I met a man who actually liked that part of me, and I felt able to indulge that part of myself.

If the people you're around get on your case over it, find new people to be around at least some of the time. Since I stopped metaphorically apologising for taking up space, my life has been so much better.

13-11-19, 10:44
Hmmm, this is a remarkably complex AND simple problem at the same time. You're feeling self conscious at other people's ignorance, and allowing that to make you feel disliked or judged. It's almost like a feedback loop.

Quite frankly as long as you're not being an a-hole (which you're not) it doesn't really matter if people like you or not. If you stand out for the reasons you stated, then good for you. There's already enough homogenised ignorance out there without you needing to fit in as well.

At least if people don't like you, then so be it. Some people will. That's just how it works.

20-11-19, 01:10
Thanks for the response guys, for some reason I didn't see this at the time :/
I'm really glad you found someone whose good to you BlueIris, but I'm 30 and I've never had that so I feel like it's something that happens to other people.

People do like me, but they never stick around or do anything about it. I spend all my birthdays alone. I nearly gave birth alone. Even if I died I doubt anyone would get out of their chair.
I don't know what to do to fix it. And I'm genuinely losing my voice.

20-11-19, 06:22
Well, you're smart and a good writer; you have a friend here if you want one.