View Full Version : Feeling a like a burden during Christmas
LouiseAndy
24-12-19, 16:58
So I've basically been under the weather all of December, it started with a head cold, to another infection, back to head cold and today I had to go to a out of hours doctor who just kinda shrugged at me and gave me tablets.
It's been hard because I'm so run down, I'm never getting a break to heal up before the next illnesses comes around.
I feel like today the doctor didn't really listen, like I've had a worrying high heart rate for a while like its been at a resting rate of 120-140--I did get some tests during the month that said my heart was fine but during these two weeks it's been so high and just lots of other issues.
I'm feeling very miserable and sorry for myself. I feel like im ruining Christmas for my family but I can't just get myself up and enjoying things.
Since I've been sick so constantly it's giving me fear that there something awfully wrong. Like just as I was writing this I got a awful dizzy spell and my heart rate jumped even higher. I'm in tears, I just wanted to enjoy Christmas
Sorry to be such a downer during the holiday times xx
The important thing to remember when you are doubting your mortality is that you had a completely clean bill of health from the cardiologist just a few short weeks ago.
This is fantastic news..News that those with a heart condition would long for....but you are depressed so have continued to remain in that " I have symptoms so I must be ill" mode.
You admit that you are run down so you will be susceptible to all those familiar HA thoughts and prompts...All I can advise is that you try and think "To hell with it-do your worst, heart" and carry on regardless. Don't treat yourself like an invalid-you are healthy but have anxiety which is keeping you fixated on harmless anxiety symptoms. You know that your heart is fine but you need to believe it xx
Sending you a hug :hugs: x
LouiseAndy
25-12-19, 03:04
@Pulisa thank you so so much for the reply xx I know I'm so lucky to have a clean bill of health, not everyone gets that. I'm also aware that I'm probably being hyperaware of everything because I've been sick for so long now- it's like never getting a break.
Like if I'm being honest, I got so unwell this morning - like it was hard to hear out of my ears so I just went off to bed by myself at 9 because I didn't want to seem so miserable around my family during this time of year. There's nothing going on in my family without that x
I know I need to just toss the worry to the wind, that I had the clear tests and the racing heart or any of the other stuff is just my body working in its own way. Just hoping things can clear up little and i can enjoy some of tomorrow x thank you again for the reply
@Carnation Thank you so much :bighug1:
LouiseAndy
25-12-19, 06:16
Just after 6 am and no sleep. Keep having just horrible episodes and feel like it's going to be better :(
Just stay in bed if you feel bad? Try and get a bit of sleep and then you will feel less bogged down and despairing..
Just take the day as it comes..Don't put pressure on yourself to "perform" for your family. It's not always possible to hide misery but you may find that there are still some good bits to the day that you can enjoy xx
LouiseAndy
25-12-19, 20:24
Just stay in bed if you feel bad? Try and get a bit of sleep and then you will feel less bogged down and despairing..
Just take the day as it comes..Don't put pressure on yourself to "perform" for your family. It's not always possible to hide misery but you may find that there are still some good bits to the day that you can enjoy xx
Hi Pulisa xx thank you so much for the reply and the kind words
I manged to get up and have dinner with my family plus play a few boardgames before it became to much for me. I'm really not feeling great mentally and physically - no point in listing in how I don't feel great just keeps feeling like I'm on my last hours lol dramaict I know. I manged to take some tablets the doctor gave me and I'm really hoping I take a good turn soon. Both mentally and phycially because this month has been so far.
I only took my heart rate today once - it was 108 and like as awful as I feel its not actually that high I try to remind myself. Especially when so under the weather and filled with anixety.
I wish i could give a better update and say I jumped out of bed today and felt perfect but that's not the truth but at least I manged something x
Yes you did so well done!
I really would advise you against taking your heart rate-there's absolutely no point.
I've been on the cardio run-around in my time - utterly convinced my heart was going to clap out, yet every ECG or ECHO revealed a heart that was in great nick, just running on the fast side and, oh hello, I have anxiety.
The heart will react to stress hormones but it's a very strong muscle which is designed to go fast..
I like to do this lil test where I sit and let my thoughts go nuts. I then take note of how my body is responding and my heart will be banging away like an old barn door in a gale. Then, I do my deep breathing and I think of walking along beaches and stuff and lo and behold my heart rate comes down..
Your heart rate will have been racing while writing your post because you are fixed on how crap you feel and you will continue to feel crap while you are hyper focused on your body. Stick the V's up to anxiety and inform it that you are doing Boxing Day whether it's there or not!
It's your thoughts that are the culprit here, not your heart. Your heart is responding to your body's stress response - exactly what it is designed to do in order to keep you safe. It can't tell the difference between the Number 54 bus about to run you over and the 'danger' being your own anxious thoughts. Your heart is working just fine. X
But you have to believe this, Louise, otherwise all the cardiac tests in the universe won't convince you..and you don't believe it yet xx
Louise, listen to Pulisa because she talked me down many times just over a year ago with the very same fears you're having now. One morning after a long walk and then hammering in some fence posts, I felt a tightness in my chest. Up jumped anxiety and told me it was a heart attack. I phoned 111, they sent an urgent appt request to my GP, I was seen that afternoon. She ran a resting ECG which she was happy with. I accepted that but still didn't believe her.
A couple of days later, blood test results came back, all normal. I still wasn't satisfied, then I got a referral to the cardio unit at hospital. They did a stress ECG plus an echocardiogram. Both normal, he even said my heart looked like it was enjoying itself. Only then was I reassured. Up until then I was 100% convinced there was a serious problem, I even had other symptoms like extreme tiredness. But it was all down to anxiety and yours will be too.
PS - brilliant post Nora, in a nutshell.
Hi Louise,
I’m sorry you’re still in the middle of it all. You’re absolutely not an annoyance or burden to your family. They are probably worried a bout you but there’s nothing much you can do about that.
Please remember that you’ve seen a cardiologist and your heart is fine, so it’s not going to be any different from before when you were anxious and now when you’re anxious because it’s doing the same as always.
Great advice on this thread, I hope it helps.
I hope it helps too but even if it doesn't at the moment because you are too stressed out to absorb any advice maybe keep it at the back of your mind? This has been going on for a long time and you are still alive. It will be very hard for your family to help you but you are in no way a burden-that's just your depression talking xx
LouiseAndy
28-12-19, 21:06
Wow, thank you so so much to everyone who replied to this. I'm sorry for not replying sooner- I was either sleeping, being dragged places for social reasons (Okay, this sounds awful now I read back on it) or I just really wasn't in the mental place to do anything tbh.
You all make some great points, I'm in the car right now so I promise to reply more when I'm free but I wanted you all to know how thankful I am for your words xx
LouiseAndy
28-12-19, 23:54
I've been on the cardio run-around in my time - utterly convinced my heart was going to clap out, yet every ECG or ECHO revealed a heart that was in great nick, just running on the fast side and, oh hello, I have anxiety.
The heart will react to stress hormones but it's a very strong muscle which is designed to go fast..
I like to do this lil test where I sit and let my thoughts go nuts. I then take note of how my body is responding and my heart will be banging away like an old barn door in a gale. Then, I do my deep breathing and I think of walking along beaches and stuff and lo and behold my heart rate comes down..
Your heart rate will have been racing while writing your post because you are fixed on how crap you feel and you will continue to feel crap while you are hyper focused on your body. Stick the V's up to anxiety and inform it that you are doing Boxing Day whether it's there or not!
It's your thoughts that are the culprit here, not your heart. Your heart is responding to your body's stress response - exactly what it is designed to do in order to keep you safe. It can't tell the difference between the Number 54 bus about to run you over and the 'danger' being your own anxious thoughts. Your heart is working just fine. X
Thank you so much for the reply Nora! It really means alot to me you took the time to reply such a detail reply for me xx
Like I think because I am kinda down and in the dumps right now, it's easier to be hyperaware of my heart rate. Like it's always been a trigger point for me- as that's how my anxiety actually started. My heart rate went up and I couldn't breath- and that was the start of my anxiety path.
Like I know I have to believe in the results, what's the point in getting the tests done if I'm just going to go against them? I'm really going to try and overcome this- even if it's hard at the moment. It may be easier in the future with work each day x
LouiseAndy
28-12-19, 23:55
Louise, listen to Pulisa because she talked me down many times just over a year ago with the very same fears you're having now. One morning after a long walk and then hammering in some fence posts, I felt a tightness in my chest. Up jumped anxiety and told me it was a heart attack. I phoned 111, they sent an urgent appt request to my GP, I was seen that afternoon. She ran a resting ECG which she was happy with. I accepted that but still didn't believe her.
A couple of days later, blood test results came back, all normal. I still wasn't satisfied, then I got a referral to the cardio unit at hospital. They did a stress ECG plus an echocardiogram. Both normal, he even said my heart looked like it was enjoying itself. Only then was I reassured. Up until then I was 100% convinced there was a serious problem, I even had other symptoms like extreme tiredness. But it was all down to anxiety and yours will be too.
PS - brilliant post Nora, in a nutshell.
Hi Fishman65, Thank you so so much for the reply x It means alot during this time.
I guess it's hard to be satisfied when I'm still feeling so awful- in other ways not just the heart. I know I'm being a doubting Thomas right now. I guess I'm easily overwhelmed and need to work on this to help myself in the long run! .
LouiseAndy
28-12-19, 23:56
Hi Louise,
I’m sorry you’re still in the middle of it all. You’re absolutely not an annoyance or burden to your family. They are probably worried a bout you but there’s nothing much you can do about that.
Please remember that you’ve seen a cardiologist and your heart is fine, so it’s not going to be any different from before when you were anxious and now when you’re anxious because it’s doing the same as always.
Great advice on this thread, I hope it helps.
Thank you for the reply as always Scass xx It means alot
I know I need to take this wonderful advice, I need to work on myself to make this all wroth it.
LouiseAndy
28-12-19, 23:58
I hope it helps too but even if it doesn't at the moment because you are too stressed out to absorb any advice maybe keep it at the back of your mind? This has been going on for a long time and you are still alive. It will be very hard for your family to help you but you are in no way a burden-that's just your depression talking xx
Hi Pulisa, Thank you for all the replies over the last few days. It means alot x
You're right, I'm still alive! I always try to remind myself of that- that I've made it this far. I think I may need another while to fully take the advice on board because to be honest my mental and physical state isn't great but I'm taking little steps every day.
LouiseAndy
29-12-19, 00:03
So, the last few days have been something. On Boxing day, I went with my Mam to visit my grandparents grave- it was a long drive (four hours away from my parents house). It was hard but I manged it.
Yesterday I went over to my friends house and stayed the night- once again it was hard but I manged it! Today I went to secret Santa with a big big group of my friends. I won't lie it was very hard at some points but I manged it!
Like I've said, my heart rate been pounding away- My Mam used uses a monitor for her own health reasons (was told to get it by a doctor). Decide to randomly test my heart rate tonight when I was just chilling on the couch- and my blood pressure was perfect but my heart rate was 119- somehow I didn't go into melt down when I saw that. I just nodded and thought maybe it's because I'm still on the tail end of sickness or my period is coming up or it's warm. I would normal cry about that, since my normal resting rate is in 80's. I guess it's hard to over come this because I can constantly without even taking it feel my heart pounding, sometimes I get horrible dizzy or like jelly legs which is hard as I'm back to tomorrow and I'm nervous about being on my feet for that long.
I know I need to work on this, that I need to believe it that no one can believe for me.
Thank you to everyone again who's taken the time to write or even read this xxx
I think you have to resist the compulsion to test your heart rate, Louise. Ask your Mam to help you with this even if it means her keeping it in a safe place where you can't get access to it. You don't need to test it-you need to trust your healthy heart xx
LouiseAndy
29-12-19, 20:03
Hi Pulisa, thank you for the reply x
Oh my Mam keeps the monitor in a place I'll never find. She often jokes and tries to say it's because she paid good money for it and she doesn't want anyone touching it. It's not only because of me, My Da was testing his own Blood pressure last year and ended up breaking her monitor- which he just kept quite about and put it away without a word :whistles:It's not often she tests it, I think in her own way by doing it randomly she thinks she helping by showing me it's not actually that high/bad? Like I know I was probably falling into my bad thoughts alot- which I do alot about feeling like a burden (a big issue I speak about in therapy, not just to do with HA) and those thoughts were being allowed when I wrote this post. Like 90 percent of the time, my Mam does try to understand and help- we've been getting a little better at talking about everything. Little steps because it can be hard on both sides.
LouiseAndy
29-12-19, 20:07
I just wanted to add- I also manged a while day at work! Working from 6 am to 7 pm. I won't lie, there was some really not great physical or mental moments but I manged it! Without any tears of being overwhelmed or anything. I work on my feet alot, I suffer with jelly legs with my anxiety and that feed into others things but I manged it! It's not alot I know, there's so much more to get over but one day at a time eh?
I also thought about the fact the cardiologist is writing a letter to my gp to ask for her to a thyroid test as he thinks it may be possible I have a over-active one and that's causing some of the issues- again. That can be very treatable and livable. I'm also going back in a few weeks to get a event monitor because he wants to see results of me having a panic attack- which he said himself he is sure will be fine but also due to you know laws and being able to sue someone. You need the tests before you can back up those words 100 percent!
LouiseAndy
31-12-19, 17:26
Funny enough, over the last few days I can really feel my heartrate coming down-- I've not done anything differently expect trying not to think about it. I mean it's a little be of a laugh how if it feels like it's to low I freak or if it goes up I freak- but I'm really just trying not to think about it or take it. Like when I used to be crazed about checking my necks for lumps, I'd sit on my hands to stop myself when I wanted to do it. I'm trying to find a way to stop myself from taking my pulse, at the moment I'm trying to hum a song during those moments.
I was meant to go out tonight but I got my period which is always rough for me with cramps so I picked to stay at home- a little disappointment but I know it's for the best as I wouldn't feel my best or up to it. I think also having my period can explain some of the dread I felt all the last few days or the exhaustion. That's what I'm saying it is anyway.
I'm going on the 3rd anyway to get the event monitor!
Wishing you all a happy new years :grouphug:
Wishing you a Happy New Year x
Let your healthy heart do what it was designed to do....beat! It won't let you down and doesn't need to be listened to. It can do its work without you supervising and stressing over it! It has served you well for over 20 years and is young, strong and healthy like you!
Happy New Year! xx
LouiseAndy
02-01-20, 01:46
Wishing you both a wonderful New Year!
It's been three days since I actually took my heart rate--that most be the longest time in forever!! I try humming every time I get the feeling I have to do it! Its hard I won't lie. Its like trying to unlearn a habit. I'm also on my period and that's always a hard time for me. I always feel alot more all over the place. Like I said I'm trying to be more reasonable and not guess my heart rate. Like sometimes it feels slower and sometimes alot faster - but that's just it beating away! Also slightly tmi but I get rather heavy periods so that could be causing alot of stuff also! It's just my body working away!
I also randomly decide to join my friends last mintue on a drop to Amsterdam on the 20th! Very last minute dot com but I'm really trying not to be scared and just go out and live. Hoping it goes better compared to my last trip x! I also did a little shopping online - gotta be careful not to be to kind to myself lol!
LouiseAndy
02-01-20, 04:40
Sorry....things have taken a bad turn. I just feel so filled with panic, I'm refusing to take my heart rate or anything but it feels so awful. Up and down so quickly, I'm just so upset. I just feel so awful. My left arm has horrible pain, I can't breath- I know I'm being stuipd I just had tests. I just feelings so many horrible things
LouiseAndy
02-01-20, 05:01
I ended up getting into such a panic I called a friend- I hung up when I realized the time but he called me back. I end up just crying and saying I don't want to die- like I don't know hwo to explain it. It's not even just heart fear. It's fear of myself. Like I caved and took my heart rate (myself, not with a machine)- it was 80's which for some reason feels to slow to me and I'm just so upset and feeling like a fool. I have therapy Monday- I'm just so scared right now.
LouiseAndy
02-01-20, 06:49
My apologies for posting so much I need a lower heart rate is great- its just to have it drop from 130ish to now 60's to 70's ish just doesn't feel right to me. Its to sudden or something
The challenge for you will be not to focus on assessing your heart rate. You don't need to but it's such a habit now and it will be hard to break it without panic and fear that if you do not assess it you will die..but you won't of course as has been proved over the years. I hope your therapist can help you to work with your fears and help you to live your life without needing to be aware of your heart beat. This is the burden you carry with you-you are not the burden to your family xx
LouiseAndy
08-01-20, 19:59
I'll be honest, I was to embarrassed in a way to come on here again in the last week. I'm still having issues, same old same old stuff. Heart stuff, engery issues etc I had to go to my gp today as the sinus infection is back and worse, I'm just feeling very run down and in a poor place mentally. I got the event monitor on yesterday, I've been just dragging myself along the last week. Just mainly sleeping and going to work when I have too. Really hoping this set of tablets and spray help as it's been going on since November now. Somewhere in the back of head there's also a nagging voice to say is there something wrong since I've been sick non stop and just exhausted. Sorry to be such a downer on here
LouiseAndy
08-01-20, 20:18
Hi Pulosa, thank you for the reply. I'm sorry it took so long to reply, I was to embarrassed to come back and check my thread. My therapist is trying a new method with me, about how we react to thoughts and stuff. It's a bit confusing but I'm willing to try anything. Thank you so much for replying, I know I'm in a panic zone and I'm just so exhausted mentally. Thank you so much truly for your kinda words and taking the time to reply to my rambling
Hi LouiseAndy, I'm sorry you are struggling. Sometimes its difficult to define where the problem lies with health anxiety. We become obsessed with what our bodies are doing and get further down the rabbit hole. I'm not sure I'm the right person to be offering you advice but what I can say is that your heart can gallop along at a frantic pace but won't be any the worse for it. The fact you are still posting on the forum is proof of that. Though I had exactly the same thing going on in 2018 so can identify. The medication will help your sinuses, keep taking those and hang in there :hugs:
LouiseAndy
09-01-20, 02:07
Hi LouiseAndy, I'm sorry you are struggling. Sometimes its difficult to define where the problem lies with health anxiety. We become obsessed with what our bodies are doing and get further down the rabbit hole. I'm not sure I'm the right person to be offering you advice but what I can say is that your heart can gallop along at a frantic pace but won't be any the worse for it. The fact you are still posting on the forum is proof of that. Though I had exactly the same thing going on in 2018 so can identify. The medication will help your sinuses, keep taking those and hang in there :hugs:
Hi Fishman- Thank you for replying and I hope you're doing better with your ear now xx
I guess my mind is just as what my old therapist used to say "the danger zone" where everything sets me off. Heart rate to fast? I'm set off, I feel like it's going to slow? Set off. I feel like someone is speaking to me in a different tone and now they don't like me? Set me off. It's everything I'm super aware of and it all feels like the end. It's like I feel so foolish because I've been here so many times before- yet every time I get so weak. I'm feeling rather beaten down at the moment.
Like also, strange enough I feel like the event monitor adds pressure because it's like I only get 20 goes at it- in a whole month. I'm worried I'll just misuse it and end up missing what their looking for. Like my GP said today all the heart tests came back good, so I felt to foolish to voice my worries and thoughts to hear. The only good thing I've done is stay away from google lol. Before I would spend hours reading everything I can find. I know it's so stupid to even worry about it after getting a good test results yet when I'm still having feelings and issues it can be hard.
I'm hoping the meds kick in soon, it's just really been drawn out at this stage- I think it might not be overall helping out my mood. I'm just exhausted and run down all the time! Thank you so much for the reply again xx
Hi LouiseAndy,
I have sinus issues too and it certainly has affect on the anxiety and symptoms are so similar.
I admire the way you just don't give up and get help.
I'm sure that will stead you with some relief.
Don't be embarrassed, you are in the right place here. x
LouiseAndy
10-01-20, 02:29
Hi LouiseAndy,
I have sinus issues too and it certainly has affect on the anxiety and symptoms are so similar.
I admire the way you just don't give up and get help.
I'm sure that will stead you with some relief.
Don't be embarrassed, you are in the right place here. x
Hi Carnation xx Thank you so much for the reply and the words, I hope you're doing okay xx
I guess sometimes I have to try and remind myself that no matter how low or hard it is now, I'm still in a better place than I was in 2017 before I started to go to therapy and such. So even in my worse moments, I'm still a little better off then I was before.
I guess it's just exhausting, today was a hard day in alot of ways- both physical and mentally. It's a little hard to see things in a good way at the moment. I know it's silly to fousc on things like my heart rate all the time- since it's been very high alot and yet I'm still here. (This might be a tw for someone) but my therapist thinks being so focused on things like this might be my mind way of resting on something so I won't to try and self harm again. Neither is health, it's just a exhausting time. The nights and sleeping are getting hard again.
Sorry again, for being so negative here.
Just wanted to say it on here also- but thinking of you my friend. I know not a single person in our lives off this website who would ever dream of calling you a burden xx Sending you lots of love xx
LouiseAndy
11-01-20, 22:24
Just wanted to say it on here also- but thinking of you my friend. I know not a single person in our lives off this website who would ever dream of calling you a burden xx Sending you lots of love xx
:blush::hugs::flowers::bighug1:
LouiseAndy
11-01-20, 22:29
Today's been rough, just a strong feeling of dread. Like I'm always waiting for something to go wrong- Like I've said before it feels like if it's going fast or slow it feels like my heart is about to give out at any moment. The monitor is causing some issues- by that I mean the stickers used to hold them on are causing abit of a rash. I already am using the sensitive ones one they are causing some issues. My brothers girlfriend is a nurse and she said there isn't much to do besides to put some cream on the areas when I'm I'm not wearing it. So that's not great! But I know that at the end of this I really have to over-haul my life. That living life this isn't really living, I know that but I need to give myself more a push to make everything fall into place. Like I'm feeling just so exhausted and rather like a burden at the moment....I did have a big downfall the other night. One I don't want to make anyone upset here to read about, it fells like a million steps back now.
LouiseAndy
13-01-20, 22:07
I manged to get a decent enough sleep last night, slept in longer than I would normally like on my day off--as I feel like im wasting the day. Abit on edge as I woke up with a strange purple /red rash/bruises in my left arm and a headache that's been dragging me down. Yet tomorrow I have therapy again and I'm going to see some friends afterwards - it's been along time since I've gone to see my friends due to alot of reasons so busy day... For me anyway lol. The monitor is working away, my skin is a little red from it but not to bad. Not using it as much as I expect but I've still got another three weeks with it so won't speak to soon lol. Doing my best to really not focus on my heart rate at all - sometimes I win sometimes I loss!
I hope tomorrow is successful for you LouiseAndy. x
LouiseAndy
15-01-20, 20:04
Hi Carnation, thank you so much for the reply xx Therapy was hard, very hard but I still went out with friends afterwards. It was difficult but I manged it! Things aren't very good at all and I'm struggling in alot of ways but trying to take lil steps everyday
LouiseAndy
17-01-20, 20:59
Had to drop the monitor in today as there was issue with the batter. They took the current readings on it and i was sent on my way again--telling myself that if someone that bad was in the results before I wouldn't have been allowed to walk out!
It was hard day, I got no sleep last night and my heart was pounding and going faster then it had in a long long time yet I manged to get myself down to the shops to get a few pieces for my up and coming holiday next week! I also got a birthday present for my Mam which are all such small things but it's the most I've been able to do on my own in forever - even with a pouding and racing heart along for the ride!
These aren't "small" things, Louise...They are big successes for you particularly choosing and buying your Mam's present. She will be so pleased that you managed to do this despite your own fears and despite having to manage horrible anxiety symptoms. I hope you won't have to have any more heart monitoring tests-I don't think they are helping you one bit as they just make you focus all the more on your particular fear.
Are you going to Amsterdam? My daughter and I want to go there for tulip season but it is so expensive to stay there! I look forward to hearing about your trip! xx
Louise, you have incredible determination to just get on with things, you'd make any mother proud!
Pounding hearts will always subside and remember it's an incredibly strong muscle, just like you Louise. x
LouiseAndy
22-01-20, 12:54
Thank you both so much for the replies, truly it means alot to me xx you given me such lovely words I'm not sure if I deserve them! :hugs:
Tbh ever since I got the monitor back I haven't been using it much it felt the need too! I do get bad moments but I just try to breath it out and move along--reminding myself I've come this far after all!
I'm sorry for the late reply, I'm currently on holidays! The worst part was the flight - but I'm not a great flyer so that wasn't a shock! Before I went away, I even manged to send the morning in town by myself! I just went to get my nails done and subway lol so it was all nice things for me but managing to walk place to place and not. Crumble total was alot for me!
There's still alot of wobble moments but I'm doing my best to carry through all of it x
I think you're doing brilliantly LouiseAndy!! And you do deserve lovely words. You've gone on holiday and flying too, that's a wonderful achievement. Be proud of yourself :hugs:
Thanks for letting us know how you are getting on and you are doing so well!! I hope you can actually enjoy your holiday despite the inevitable wobbles and Fishman is right-it is a wonderful achievement!
Sounds like you’re doing great. Keep on with your brilliant attitude - finding the positives and celebrating them. Enjoy your holiday x
LouiseAndy
25-01-20, 17:54
Thank you all so, so much truly for the replies x it means alot to me!
Things were going pretty well until today. On the way back to the airport, some poor lad jumped out in front of my train and we were delayed for two hours which resulted in us missing our flight. Which in the bigger photo doesn't really much at all when a life has been lost.
I manged to get on a later flight but to a airport further away, so now currently on a three hour bus ride home.
My anixety been all over the place, my hearts been pounding all day and refused to clam down no matter how hard I try. I haven't taken my pulse as I know that won't help. It just puts me on edge is all. Just hard having it constantly jack hammer in my chest. I'm also exhausted and such but thankfully I manged to mostly good holiday! Until the tragic event this morning
It's a ghastly end to your holiday. That poor boy...
Just get yourself home and sleep...no matter how fast your heart is beating. Hopefully the exhaustion will override your overactive and stressed brain.
You have done really well, Louise. Such a pity about today but that poor boy couldn't help it and he will be at peace now xx
LouiseAndy
26-01-20, 11:32
Thank you for the reply Pulisa x It's a awful tragic event, hearing how some people talked about it on the train was very upsetting. Some very self centred people.
I didn't mange to get a good rest last night, it was like I was to exhausted too? Today been thr worst one in a long time. I just feel so exhausted and weak, I feel like im about to drop in work at any moment. Its hard to think, move even. I feel very dragged down, I just feel so much more extra dread and fear. Like I'm waiting for something to go wrong.
My Co worker very nicely made breakfast for me - but my stomach decides it was coming up again. I can't even put I to words how I feel--it's so strange. It's like I know it's probs just stress built up and lack of sleep - plus a up and coming period it makes a long day even harder lol.
Louise :hugs:I'm so sorry to hear that news about the boy, what an awful thing to happen though most of us on this site can relate to a greater or lesser degree. No wonder you are struggling today, that would be completely normal. I think you may be grieving in your own way, but you of course had no control over events, how could you? Go easy on yourself and remember how well you did to go on holiday in the first place.
LouiseAndy
26-01-20, 19:42
Thank you so much for the reply Fishman, it means alot x
Today was the roughest day I've had in the long time. I was sitting at the table at break and suddenly I had this dropping/like a not hurting punch to the chest with my heart. It's happened a few times. It's very unsettling but in trying to remind myself off all my good tests. I also got sick after eating lunch and just - yeah just all really bad! Don't want to be a downer.
Am trying to remind myself that I did mange to go on holidays, that Ive had lots of good moments lately and I can overcome this.
LouiseAndy
30-01-20, 20:16
I was doing pretty good but I've really dipped down since yesterday. I just feel really on edge and I had a horrible panic attack last night while trying to sleep. The worst one I've had in a long time. Today I've felt exhausted, my chest feels all strange but I'm doing my best to push along and be positive x
LouiseAndy
03-02-20, 15:29
The last few days have been really hard, I have this feeling of dread over me. Plus I got a bad moment of racing heart heart and jelly legs which causes me to have a little fall in the shower. Today has been awful, I've been nearly able to move from the couch without feeling like I'm going to fall again and something worse might happen this time. I can tell my heart rate alot higher the last few days and it's really hard to breath. I'm also getting a sinus infection again I think :/ sorry for the big rant lol. I'm handing my monitor back tommorow to get reading and hopefully this will be the end of everything
LouiseAndy
03-02-20, 21:33
Im really struggling tonight, I have the first chest pain and my heart pounding. I feel so dizzy and just strange. I know I'm probs bring hyperaware.
I'm glad you are getting rid of that monitor today and I hope this brings some relief from the anxiety.
LouiseAndy
12-02-20, 22:02
Hi Pulisa x my apologies for not replying sooner, I had quite alot of stuff going on and I really didn't even get a chance to breath!
I hand in the monitor and I haven't got any results so I'm guessing there's nothing bad in there? I've been doing okayish with the heart fears, sometimes it goes quite high still and that sets me off Abit but I'm slowly managing a little more each day!
I also found out I'm lacking in b12 and floic acid! So starting injections and tablets to deal with that!
LouiseAndy
14-02-20, 19:32
Had a real awful night, all of today I've been super aware of my heart pounding away. I'm also getting loads of skip bears and chest pain. It's like I'm not crying about it either like I normally would. It's like in the bacj if my mind I know there can't be anything wrong i just had tests but it just makes me feel filled with anixety also.
Had a real awful night, all of today I've been super aware of my heart pounding away. I'm also getting loads of skip bears and chest pain. It's like I'm not crying about it either like I normally would. It's like in the bacj if my mind I know there can't be anything wrong i just had tests but it just makes me feel filled with anixety also.
It's your response to your heart pounding which keeps this anxiety cycle going but I'm sure you know that. My son has tachycardia due to an actual heart defect which is apparent on tests. When do you expect to get your official test results?
LouiseAndy
16-02-20, 11:31
Sorry for the delay in reply x the storm here left us without power for awhile!
Thank you for the reply Pulisa, I had therapy yesterday and my therapist said she thinks it's like a trigger point. Like my heart rate goes up for whatever reasons and my body become so hyperaware that I get keyed into it and it reminds me of the bad panic attacks- I can't word it as well as she did. It's basically a type of muscle memory thing I think is the best way to describe it!
I'm not sure about the results, I was in my GP office getting a repeat script and they told me they would call me when it was back- so might give a call Monday to see if there's any updates on it!
Sorry for being a bit of a wreck head lately, like I'm doing better in alot of ways- I guess the racing just really gets me in a bad place. Like when I can't find a reason for it like being sick or etc. I'm off to a fourteen hour shift now- a nice way for the weekend x and thank you again for the reply Pulisa x
LouiseAndy
16-02-20, 22:07
We got left home early from work due to the weather, it was a very wet and windy walk home!! Not fun in the darkness either!
I manged to overlook my heart rate most of the day, when I still moments I could feel it pounding but did my best to do something to distract myself. I also got a banging headache so gonna go to bed nice and early now !
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