How to deal with increased anxiety and panic attacks after death of loved one?

[GingerFish]

My stepdad died yesterday after a short illness. We knew he was ill with his other chronic illnesses but didn't think he was at death's door so we are all shocked.

I'm staying with my mum for the next few weeks to help her through it and I have to make sure I am stable enough. My panic attacks, obsessions/compulsions and general anxiety have been sky high lately even before this and now I'm worried this is going to push me over the edge which I can't let happen as I need to be there for mum.

Do any of you have any experience of dealing with grief with existing anxiety issues? What helped? Also do you have any tips on how to sleep? Haven't slept since we got the news yesterday afternoon and I feel mentally and physically exhausted but can't drop off. My mind is going a million miles an hour :(

Just any advice to both take care of myself and especially my mum would be great

[nomorepanic]

Really sorry to hear this news - thinking of you all at this sad time.

[venusbluejeans]

Sorry to hear your news :(

you could try contacting Cruse.... they may be able to help in some way https://www.cruse.org.uk/

[pulisa]

I am very sorry, GF-this must be a huge shock and you must feel absolutely shell shocked and disorientated.

I don't think anything really "helps" as it's such a huge thing to deal with. Just being with your Mum and helping her cope is all you can do. And by helping her cope I mean just being there and letting her talk when she wants to. Sleep won't be easy-maybe your GP could prescribe some meds to give you some relief from insomnia? Zopliclone can give you a few hours.

You may surprise yourself with your mental resilience. It's at times like this when we are strong for much loved others x

[Mrsmitchell1984]

I am sorry to hear to.

if it helps a bit- please write on here about your progress and how you are feeling- we are here to listen and support on your journey to feeling better in time x

[LouiseAndy]

I am very sorry, what awful news this time of year.

I can understand the struggle to sleep, when my Granddad died I couldn't sleep for days. My body was exhausted but my mind couldn't settle at all. I agree with pulisa, see if you an contact a gp to get something to help you sleep during this time.

Sorry I can't give any more words, just know I'm thinking of you during this time hun xxx

[GingerFish]

Thank you all so much for your replies. My feelings are so up and down. One minute I'm doing ok then the next I am on the floor.

I feel so sick to my stomach and nothing helps the nausea, not even eating or going to the toilet. I still haven't slept well, neither has mum.

I feel so much guilt. I feel guilt about missing being from home at the moment from my own husband and pets when my mum has lost her husband for good, guilty for having panic attacks when my grief and sadness will be nothing compared to what my mum feels etc

[hlvd]

My experience of grief highlighted some things about anxiety to me.

I worry about everything, things that may or may not happen, with the death of a loved one I realised there was a difference.

I've lost both my parents in the last five years and although I've suffered with depression because of it, I realised that it doesn't matter how anxious or worried I was about losing them, nothing at all was going to change.
They will still be gone however I think.

It's normal to feel grief, the people who've experienced it themselves will understand and will probably be of most help during the difficult times.

It gets better with time x

[Scass]

So sorry for your loss.

For me, keeping busy helped. And fortunately there is much to do after the death of a loved one.
I didn’t have trouble sleeping really. Well I am often awake for a while in the middle of the night but falling asleep at first is no problem.
Just try to keep yourself and your thoughts organised. Write lists, eat well, rest - even if it’s not sleeping.
Be with your Mum, I bet yourself such a comfort for her.

[fishman65]

I'm so sorry to hear this Gingerfish. All you can do is try to be there for your Mum, nobody can ask any more of you. We have an illness and it doesn't suddenly disappear when major life events occur. Thinking of you :hugs:

[AntsyVee]

I'm sorry for your loss :/

Some thing to keep in mind: Stress will always make your CPTSD and GAD worse. And death of a loved one is a major stress. I know, I have both. So you have to be kind to yourself. Remember, there is no timetable for your grief. For awhile, you will just be in survival mode, and that's okay. It's okay to take time off from some of your commitments, work things, etc. to give yourself time to process. Same thing for your mom. Don't feel guilty when you steal moments of happiness. Your step dad would want both of you to do things that make you happy.

Secondly, if you need to take extra meds or go on meds for this difficult time, that's okay too. I used to have benzos for my really tough days. And while I was going through a divorce, I upped my normal AD to deal with the extra stress.

Next, don't be afraid talk to others or to seek grief counseling. You have the added stress of processing your own grief, plus helping your mom, and that's a lot on one person. It's okay to see someone to get out your feelings.

If you need to talk, you can PM me.

Wishing you strength. :hugs:

[MyNameIsTerry]

Really sorry to hear you have lost a loved one, Yasmin. :hugs::flowers:

I hope you have plenty of support around you all to help you through this very hard time. This place is hear when you need to vent or just get some support.

Your mum needs you and I guess you have to keep things inside to an extent to be able to support her. Being there for her to just give her the hugs she needs will mean more than anything.

[GingerFish]

Once again, thank you all so much for your replies :hugs:


The numbness has definietly mostly worn off now and the panic and anxiety has fully begun now. This week is going to be hard, I don't know how my mind and body will get through it tbh. My mind feels so hazed but feeling everything at the same time and my body feels so tense, especially my chest and back. I feel like they would snap if someone lightly touched them. Today we have the humanist coming out to discuss my stepdad's funeral service, Wednesday we are going to see him at the funeral parlour plus we have a family friend's funeral that day and then its my stepdad's funeral on Friday. I can't wait for it all to be over. My panic attacks have been through the roof and I am struggling to get out the house because of them but I feel like I am cracking up if I stay in too. I am still staying with my mum and as bad as this sounds, I can't wait until I can get home to my own surroundings. I know that sounds bad and I will stay as long as mum needs me and she is main priority but I feel like I can't grieve properly around her. I can cry in front of her but as we all know, grief isn't just crying. I am now feeling anxiety which to me can sometimes come out as anger or snapping and she is obviously the last person who needs to see that right now so I am bottling it in even further.

[GingerFish]

Hi everyone. Thanks again for all your kind words. I just thought I would given an update on how the last fortnight has went.

It was my stepdad's funeral on Friday, 3 days ago. He had a great turn out and the service was lovely. It was all about him and it was nice to meet his friends and family that I hadn't met before. On the anxiety front, during the service at the crematorium, that was one of the worst panic attacks I have ever had. I have never been in the front row of a funeral before or in the black family limo so I felt very overwhelmed. I felt like I was just a milisecond away from shoving my gran out the way and running out the exit door full speed or shouting at the humanist to hurry the **** up so I could leave. My heart was pounding, I was sweating, I felt so dizzy and had that 'life draining out of me' feeling I get during bad ones, I had to hold onto the wooden beam in front of me for 'dear life'. It was horrible. I still got up and put my rose on his coffin, I didn't look away when the curtain closed - I waved goodbye and said I love you and greeted everyone after the service. I don't know how the hell I got through that day but whatever I felt was nothing compared to what my mum would have been feeling. She has been such a trooper. I am so proud of her. I envy and admire her strength. I have been getting almost constant panic attacks, even at home and its a struggle going out. Even just going over to my local shop 2 mins away fills me with fear.

On the OCD front, that has been even harder to deal with than the panic side of things. I don't believe in fate, afterlife etc so I don't believe this was a sign like my mum does, but my OCD is telling me I caused his death. A few days before he died, I had a dream/sleep paralysis that I was on my toilet and I had that death/doom feeling I get with sleep paralysis and I tried calling out for my husband and tried to move but nothing would come out and I was stuck and I felt so breathless and dizzy and the only way it ended was when I accepted that I was 'dying' and then I woke up in bed. Don't know if it was just a nightmare or sleep paralysis but whatever it was, I always tell my mum about every episode of SP I have since she finds it interesting and I am usually in such a state after it that I need to confide in her. It felt so real that when I woke up, I even asked my husband if I went to the toilet and died during the night? Sounds crazy but it was so real. Well, the day my stepdad died - he went to the toilet, felt extremely dizzy and breathless and the nurses took him to bed to try and help him but he slipped away in the attempt to help him, just like my dream. I keep trying to tell myself it was just a spooky coincedence but OCD is telling me that I caused it but imagining that scenario, even though it was me who 'died' in that dream, not him! 'Magical thinking' is a bitch. Another way magical thinking is haunting me is, he was in hospital for 10 days and got out on Christmas Eve and spent Christmas day and had dinner at my flat with all the family. I jokingly said "I hope my cooking doesn't put you back in hospital" and I remember regretting it instantly in case I 'made it happen' and lo and behold he was admitted again on 27th Dec and died 3 hours after being admitted. All this has led to me SH'ing again and its all feeding the anxiety/guilt/panic loop.

On the health anxiety side, me and my husband have came down with colds and now my HA is through the roof thinking its going to develop into pleurisy or pneumonia for me again, especially given my stepdad just died of pneumonia. I haven't been sleeping well either so that is running me down even more.

I have a doc appt this week so I will explain it all to them. Just thought I would give you all an update. Take care xx

[Kendra]

I'm so so sorry for your loss.
I just want to say I am going through the exact same thing.
My stepdad passed on 25th November and I have been looking after my mam too.
It's been awful. My anxiety had been through the roof. I've been crying all the time but trying to hold it together for everyone else.
What I can say is be kind to yourself. Stop and take a step back when you can. Sit with your mam and talk. Reassure her and then if you can talk to someone how you are feeling and your worries.
Mam is going through the anger stage at the moment but I just sit listen and let her go. She doesn't mean it and I just listen until it's over.
The good news is it gets easier. Things will fall back into place. Please message me if you need to talk. It's a horrible time. But you need to take time to process it all.
Watching my stepdad die is the most horrifying thing I was done so far in life. But I am so pleased I was with him, my mam and his 2 daughters. Please take care xxx