I'm losing the battle

[always scared]

Not much info on my husband yet. He's going for surgery in February to remove his kidney. We have no reports of any of he's scans yet. He's holding up pretty good.

Me on the other hand is failing miserably. I been in bed pretty much all week crying. My toothache is not getting better with antibiotics which now makes me worry that its in my jaw and its bone cancer

The pain on my upper left side and running down my back is still there. I'm pretty sure it's coming from my sigmoid colon so my colon cancer scare is back full force.

The Ativan is only helping a little bit. It makes me sleep. I'm waking up hot and sweaty so now I'm having night sweats. This nightmare is getting worse by every passing day.

Terrified for my husband and waiting for the results are killing us.

I am slowly dying inside and out.

[Carys]

What happened about your doctor visit, I think it was the end of last week - you went to see your GP about your physical and mental health issues?


I been in bed pretty much all week crying.

Well, to be honest its not really surprising you are feeling so bad then - you need to get up and get on. Sorry if thats harsh, but lying around crying all day in bed will do you no good at all. YOu will 'lose the battle' if you allow yourself to give in to this extent.

I don't know if you realise, but there are quite a few posts on your previous threads which you may not have seen ? (Particularly on the one about your husband)

[always scared]

I only saw the doctor for myself in the hospital last week. I couldn't bear going to the drs for me right now. One horrible diagnoses at a time. I'll wait until he is settled and looked after first. I too fear a horrible outcome when I go get checked out and tested for my pains and worries. My husband only went in for suspected kidney stones and got cancer instead. This is the exact reason why I fear tests. It could be a 100 reasons for your symptoms BUT it always turns out to be CANCER

The meshing of different posts is confusing. I'm really sorry if I missed your replies because I really look forward to them. They really do help at times when I'm thinking a bit rationally

[Carys]

Here is the thread with a few posts at the bottom, I wrote on there about 'tests' and how you can change your view of them if you accept that they aren't a threat, but infact the life savers ! The threat is the undiagnosed and untreated illness.

https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?233734-Pancreatic-or-Kidney-Cancer/page3

Why do you say that everything is cancer ? Have you had personal life experiences with that outcome ?

[always scared]

Here is the thread with a few posts at the bottom, I wrote on there about 'tests' and how you can change your view of them if you accept that they aren't a threat, but infact the life savers ! The threat is the undiagnosed and untreated illness.

https://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?233734-Pancreatic-or-Kidney-Cancer/page3

Why do you say that everything is cancer ? Have you had personal life experiences with that outcome ?

In our family and friends

Grandfather suspected stroke NOPE tests reveal a brain tumour
Grandmother suspected dementia NOPE tests reveal a brain tumour
Our Son tests reveal a brain tumour
Friend suspected of chronic fatigue syndrome NOPE tests reveal ALS
Husbands kidney stones NOPE cancer
I have a few more but I'm going to stop there :scared15:

[AntsyVee]

Questions for you: Do you want to change? Do you want to start living life again? Or is the plan just to survive long enough to get a terminal diagnosis?

[Carys]

I'm sorry to hear of the illnesses that have afflicted your close family members (particularly your son - how is he now ?)- but I still maintain that it is not the tests that are the problem. The threats are the illnesses, the tests are what saves lives and allow treatment. I'm afraid to say that as we age more and more of the people around us, our friends and our families, will be diagnosed with various illnesses that in the past were not treatable and would have resulted in being terminal soon after discovery. This is part of the reason why life expectancy ages have risen - medical advancement. I could write a similar list myself to be honest (although I admit not including three brain tumours, but other things), and I suspect many could here too - but fortunately we live in an age where treatment is advanced.

[always scared]

I'm sorry to hear of the illnesses that have afflicted your close family members (particularly your son - how is he now ?)- but I still maintain that it is not the tests that are the problem. The threats are the illnesses, the tests are what saves lives and allow treatment. I'm afraid to say that as we age more and more of the people around us, our friends and our families, will be diagnosed with various illnesses that in the past were not treatable and would have resulted in being terminal soon after discovery. This is part of the reason why life expectancy ages have risen - medical advancement. I could write a similar list myself to be honest (although I admit not including three brain tumours, but other things), and I suspect many could here too - but fortunately we live in an age where treatment is advanced.


not good he passed away after a 3 yr fight with a rhabdoid brain tumour49454946494749484949

[Carys]

That is really tragic, and its a terrible thing to hear - you must have suffered awfully and been through a massive amount of turmoil. Did you receive help and support through the process and after he lost his life ? Much of your current reaction could be accounted for by this terrible experience. I don't know anything much about this cancer type, only what I have just looked up, it states its rarity though and your husband's condition, as I said on the other thread, is far more common, better known and more easily treated. (I don't know if there are genetic links to the brain tumours of your grandparents ?) I still stand by my assertion though, it is the illnesses that are the threat and not the tests. Losing a child must be the hardest thing a person ever has to deal with, but somehow you have to come to terms with the fact that in most cases surgery and treatment are successful.

[always scared]

Questions for you: Do you want to change? Do you want to start living life again? Or is the plan just to survive long enough to get a terminal diagnosis?

I ask myself these questions everyday but sadly the demons in my head at the moment are winning by a long slide. To get help would mean I would have to get every test under the sun . I have sooooooooooo many symptoms and pain that could be cancer it's making me crazy. And if any of them come back positive for cancer it's a death sentence for sure for me because I've left it for too long and it has spread.

[BlueIris]

You're stating your fears as fact, though, when they're not.

[AntsyVee]

So, I'm really sorry for all of your losses. There is nothing worse than the loss of a child.

I asked you those questions though to try to give you some perspective. I'm going to share some of my story with you, and I hope that it helps. In November of 2014, I lost my best friend to a freak accident. I discovered his body. I could barely function afterwards, my anxiety was so bad. The panic attacks were so severe I thought I was having heart attacks; some days I couldn't leave the house. I felt guilty that I had missed his last call. That if I had gotten that call, maybe I could've gotten him medical attention before he died or maybe I could've prevented the accident in the first place. I blamed myself for what happened. It got to the point where I was so afraid of losing those around me I would practically stalk my family, making them check in with me 24/7.

But at some point, I realized that my buddy would have wanted me to live. Even if he did blame me for his death, he wouldn't have stayed mad at me. We'd been through lots of things together, and even though we fought sometimes, we always forgave each other. I owed it to him to live. I owed it to him to live my life, as he had been denied the opportunity to live his.

So I went to grief counseling; individual and specifically a grief group for people with traumatic loss. I urge you to do the same. I know there are lots of groups out there for parents who've lost a child. There are also groups for people dealing with loss due to cancer. I firmly believe that grief counseling and medication saved my life. I also made lifestyle changes such as eating better, daily exercise, and journaling.

I was diagnosed with complex PTSD. I had a rough childhood and went through stuff that I thought I had dealt with, but really hadn't. The loss of my buddy threw me over the edge, and everything that I hadn't dealt with for years came to the forefront.

It's good that I helped myself when I did...because life doesn't stop throwing things at you when you're down. Since the death of my buddy, I have lost five students (suicide, shooting, accident, cancer x2) and I've gotten divorced. It hasn't been easy, but the medication, lifestyle changes, and coping mechanisms plus the support of my friends and family have gotten me through it.

So that's why I tell this to you. Are you going to just try to make it until you get diagnosed with something? Or do you want to try living life again? Because you can live life again. It won't be easy, but we are all much stronger than we think we are. But the the change has to start with you.