Falling down the rabbit hole

[Bennyjj81]

Hi everyone,

Im having a rough time. Like really rough. Im tailspinning into the HA abyss with no signs of recovering and getting myself back out.

How does everybody cope with this? Im currently going through my second major brain tumour anxiety spiral in less than 12 months. Short story - constant headache for 2 weeks, tripping up over words, misreading words, generally panicking that this is the Glioblastoma I have been waiting for my entire life. I saw my GP again today, she was as matter of fact as Ive ever seen her. Stern. She said she wont investigate my headaches because I had a clean CT scan 6 months ago and she knows my history so is reassured this isn't sinister. I should believe her I really should....... but I dont. This time shes wrong. I know it. This will be the time I get to tell everybody they were wrong. Will I even get satisfaction out of it? After all its a pretty grim diagnosis. The worst of the worst.

Im on the verge of losing my beautiful partner of 10 years and my 2 young kids. My 6 year old son has started telling me with concern whenever he trips over his words. I tell him its normal BECAUSE IT IS. But not in my world. In my world every slip is yet more evidence to the growing monstrosity in my head. I'm tired, its gruelling. CBT isnt working. Antidepressants arent working. I was given Quitiepine today by my GP and had to complain to my local PALS to get the psychiatrist appointment ive been promised by so many but is never forthcoming.

How do you do it? Get out of this place and try and live rather than wither away to nothing just existing until the inevitable?

Sorry about the rant. Its been a long week and im tired.

Cheers for listening

[NancyW]

Benny anxiety will eat you alive if you let it.

At some point the responsibility to stop is yours.

The reason all the outside reassurance is not working is because the answer lies in you.

How much more are you going to take before you tell your HA to shut the F up?

[utrocket09]

Hi everyone,

Im having a rough time. Like really rough. Im tailspinning into the HA abyss with no signs of recovering and getting myself back out.

How does everybody cope with this? Im currently going through my second major brain tumour anxiety spiral in less than 12 months. Short story - constant headache for 2 weeks, tripping up over words, misreading words, generally panicking that this is the Glioblastoma I have been waiting for my entire life. I saw my GP again today, she was as matter of fact as Ive ever seen her. Stern. She said she wont investigate my headaches because I had a clean CT scan 6 months ago and she knows my history so is reassured this isn't sinister. I should believe her I really should....... but I dont. This time shes wrong. I know it. This will be the time I get to tell everybody they were wrong. Will I even get satisfaction out of it? After all its a pretty grim diagnosis. The worst of the worst.

Im on the verge of losing my beautiful partner of 10 years and my 2 young kids. My 6 year old son has started telling me with concern whenever he trips over his words. I tell him its normal BECAUSE IT IS. But not in my world. In my world every slip is yet more evidence to the growing monstrosity in my head. I'm tired, its gruelling. CBT isnt working. Antidepressants arent working. I was given Quitiepine today by my GP and had to complain to my local PALS to get the psychiatrist appointment ive been promised by so many but is never forthcoming.

How do you do it? Get out of this place and try and live rather than wither away to nothing just existing until the inevitable?

Sorry about the rant. Its been a long week and im tired.

Cheers for listening

You listen to your doctor and stop making up imaginary illnesses in your head. Headaches everyone gets, and everyone trips on words. Sounds like you want to be sick, just to tell people see? I knew I was sick.

[ankietyjoe]

CBT isnt working.

What is it about CBT that isn't working? Describe your experience with CBT so far.

[pulisa]

You're not "tailspinning into the HA abyss", Benny. This is far too dramatic and gives HA a sense of being a force against which you are powerless.

You had a clean CT just 6 months ago and your GP is quite rightly denying you further invasive tests because you don't have a brain tumour.

Would you rather jeopardise your family's wellbeing and continue feeding your HA? You do have a choice and you can choose therapy for your HA but it requires willpower and commitment but ultimately it's up to you to prioritise whatever matters most to you. Continuing to chase a diagnosis at any price or recognising that you need to protect your partner and particularly your young children from your own HA.

[Bennyjj81]

I've had 9 sessions now of learning various techniques. Some have been better than others but despite that nothing seems to keep me being rational longer than say an hour maybe?

I get that the reason these techniques aren't working is me but I'm losing the battle with the irrational part of me that's becoming all consuming.

My therapist spoke to a senior person at length about my case and they've agreed to approach it differently which we start next week. I haven't conceded defeat with it but it's hard when it feels like my head is constantly being crushed.

[Bennyjj81]

Solid points from you all. This has been a nigh on 25 year battle with HA that's become the worst it's ever been in the last 12 months.

Thanks for your replies, I need to try harder I know, particularly for my family.

[ankietyjoe]

I've had 9 sessions now of learning various techniques. Some have been better than others but despite that nothing seems to keep me being rational longer than say an hour maybe?

I get that the reason these techniques aren't working is me but I'm losing the battle with the irrational part of me that's becoming all consuming.

My therapist spoke to a senior person at length about my case and they've agreed to approach it differently which we start next week. I haven't conceded defeat with it but it's hard when it feels like my head is constantly being crushed.

So would you concede that after only 9 sessions of CBT, you are able to stay rational for an hour at a time? That's amazingly fast progress right?.....is another way to look at it.

This is an issue of expectation. You are expecting 9 hours of CBT (actually less by the time you've actually got to the therapeutic part of the session) to resolve years of negative and corrosive thought patterns. There was a specific reason I asked the question the way I did, and you have provided the solution. Which is simply do MORE of the same. The therapy IS working, it's just your expectation of immediate relief that's the problem.

CBT sessions exist to teach you the techniques to reverse years of negative thoughts and habits and this takes months (sometimes years) to reverse. You cannot possibly expect this to work this fast. CBT also depends on you practising the techniques you learn during the sessions over and over again. CBT is NOT an hour of passive reassurance, it's a mental lifestyle change that requires constant effort from you too.

Pulisa is also right, try and stop the mental 'drama queen'. This isn't a criticism, we've all done it. Just try and recognise that we've all been in a place where we've cried ourselves to sleep because we have a headache. Seems a bit silly when you describe it like that, no?

[Bennyjj81]

Thanks for the bit of perspective Joe/Pulisa, I needed that.

[pulisa]

I think that if you try to take the drama element out of HA then you are left with something quite boring and predictable which takes out the panic/adrenaline factor. You are so lucky to have had a clean CT of your brain-why not accept that? You will probably "need " another sinister issue to focus on because you won't feel right without having something to worry about but it's ok to acknowledge that.

Your children want you to be healthy and you are..you just have to believe it yourself.

[Bennyjj81]

You're right Pulisa but I can't accept it and thats the part that troubles me. I SHOULD be able to, the only reason I can't is me but the part of me that won't allow it is all consuming as of late. I go through periods where I put my trust in the doctor and I'm alright but more recently I've lost the ability to even do that.

I've spiralled further since the weekend. Then I've tried to pull my socks up a bit, look at my kids and tell myself I can and will do it for them. Then I start thinking about the headache again and its back to square one. I've seen other people on here lose all rationality and I swore blind that would never be me but I'm ever so close to officially being one of those posters. I guess my problem is a persistent headache was always my BIG symptom fear and now its here its made the battle the toughest its ever been.

[ankietyjoe]

but I can't accept it and thats the part that troubles me.

Maybe this is one of those situations where you need to stop wallowing in self pity and try harder.