83 yr old mum on life support with no hope [Archive]

21-01-20, 01:03

Many of you have been so wonderful helping me through my son's brain mass. He returns to school tomorrow and will still have several mri's before I will be able to begin to relax. Just as my son's life is beginning to calm down, my mother was admitted to the hospital on Friday with swelling her legs and by Saturday was in ICU with a breathing tube. She has opened her eyes a few times but she has been sick for a long time and I know this is the end. I am so emotionally exhausted from my son's illness that I can barely even process my lovely mother's end. She has been sick with lung cancer for quite some time but I can't even process what is happening. My siblings and my kids are visibly morose while I am mostly just numb. I cry some and I can't look at her. This numbness and inability to look at her makes me feel like a terrible person. I feel like a 1000 pounds is on my chest. I am not sleeping and I am constantly nauseated. This, of course flares up my HA and then I feel like garbage for worrying about me when my mom is dying and my son is not out of the woods yet. I am rambling now but I am so broken and tired I don't really care if I make any sense.

Thanks for letting me talk.

J2

ErinKC

21-01-20, 02:44

You have sure been through it, J2! I'm so sorry to hear about this. Don't ever feel like a terrible person for how you process stress and grief. You've been through something horrific with your son and it will take a great deal of time to come down from that. To now have to face your mother's death is more than just about anyone could handle gracefully. I think numbness is a pretty normal reaction to something like this, though. Death is a very difficult thing to process, especially as it's unfolding. Be kind to yourself!!

NancyW

21-01-20, 04:05

Oh J2, I am sorry to hear this.
You've not had a minute's rest.

As sad as it is to lose anyone, losing our parents is the natural course in life. Does not make it easier at all. At some point we wish peace and no more pain for them.

J2 my mom passed from a stroke, I couldn't be in the room at the end either. You're not the first or last to feel this way.

Please keep us posted.

StephA

21-01-20, 04:19

Oh j2, I’m so very sorry to hear about your mom! You’ve been through so much. I just wanted to offer my deepest sympathies and prayers. Your mom knows you love her so don’t feel guilty about how you’re feeling. Losing a loved one is never easy and we all handle that in different ways. You’re exhausted I’m sure from just going through your son’s ordeal and I’m sure that’s playing into your situation with your mom. You have to take care of yourself as well, so don’t beat yourself up. (((((HUGS)))))

MyNameIsTerry

21-01-20, 04:44

To be honest, j2, you have been through so much lately anyone could find themselves totally drained. I don't think this is a sign of anything other than being exhausted and how you truly feel is reflected in what you feel for loved ones for all the years you have been there.

Seeing your anxiety increase and try to trigger cycles of obsessive thinking is to be expected in times of greater stress. So, just as it probably tried to take you over when you were worrying over your son it is going to try it on again now. Don't kick yourself for this, it's a mental health condition that still needs work and will raise it's head when it gets the opportunity. What matters is you are trying and you know what you truly feel even if you are so exhausted you question whether you are showing the emotion you expect you should be. And perhaps like with grief it can differ every time based on many factors so we need to stop assessing how we feel and let it play out?

These months have been traumatic for you and your family but you are still going. You will do what is needed as you did for your son even though you must have doubted you could cope. This place is here to support you when you need it. But it is awful to hear you and your family are suffering again :hugs:

Carnation

21-01-20, 10:48

Hello J2, I went through a horrible ordeal with my mum about 4 years ago and I know the feelings too well, but there's one thing I can tell you.
There's nothing you can do to change your mum's situation, although you may think you can or feel the need to find an answer. Your mum will want you to take care of yourself and not be so hard on yourself. That will give her peace. x

21-01-20, 12:03

Thank you for all the kind words. I have been thinking and praying all day. I want her to be without pain. She opens her eyes every now and then and I just can't tell if she is in there. It hurts so much to see her like this. You guys are more helpful than you can ever know. Thank you.

Fishmanpa

21-01-20, 12:16

Sheesh J2, you really have been going through it! What you've been dealing with would be extremely difficult regardless of anxiety. I went through a similar situation three years ago. "Numb" is a good word for it.

Sending as always...

Positive thoughts

MyNameIsTerry

21-01-20, 17:37

Even if she is in & out she might know, or be deriving comfort, from you being there in some way. She might feel your presence or feel you hand touching hers. That will reassure her she isn't alone and that can be a great comfort in times like this for both of you.

I hope they are doing everything they can to help her through this time in peace.

Jujube

22-01-20, 01:43

J2, life is surely handing you lemons right now. Don't judge yourself too harshly regarding your response to your mother's illness. You are being pulled in so many directions emotionally! I understand (somewhat)..my father has late stage Parkinson's disease and has been in the hospital for a week fighting infections that caused him to become delusional. It is heartbreaking. It's hard to look at him and remember how he used to be before he was ill. I will continue to pray for you and your family's health and strength.

Inanna

22-01-20, 09:30

Hi j2

i just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear that you are going through such a tough time. I agree with the others, your mum will want you to be kind to yourself, even though right now it’s tough tough time,

when my dad was ill with lung cancer, I felt terribly guilty that I couldn’t do anything. He said to me : none if what’s happening to me is your fault. If you want to help, just live the best life you can, for it is short.

Sending you warm wishes

Inanna x

Darksky

22-01-20, 13:43

You are physically and mentally exhausted. Feeling numb is perfectly normal. Sometimes in times of unbearable stress the brain does shield itself.
My mother broke her hip a while back and then contracted sepsis. She was in hospital for a month battling it. All this at ninety. It was a horrendous time and I lost two stones from sheer stress. Seeing the frailty of your elderly parents is an awful time. You have to face their mortality which is something I personally have always locked away.

If she's in and out, maybe you could make a tape up of all her favourite music and just let it play by her side. I'm sure she would be able to hear it.

Life is giving you plenty of stomach kicks. Just when you dare to think one horror is subsiding a little, another one hits you with all its force. One thing after another, I've been there myself and you wonder how you will get through. But you will, with battle scars for sure but you will get through.

Sending you and your lovely family hugs and prayers.

Jujube

22-01-20, 15:17

Great suggestion about the music, Darksky. I have been playing my father his favorite songs and it seems to give him comfort.

Scaredtoo

22-01-20, 23:12

You’ve been through so much. Allow yourself the right to grieve in the way you need to. My mom died from cancer and towards the end I couldn’t even look at her. It just made my entire body hurt and I was drowning in emotional pain. She died 24 days before my daughter was born. The numbness I felt and the numbness you feel is your body’s way of protecting you from this traumatic time. It’s also your body’s way of easing this life changing moment on you. Grief had many stages. And not all of us go through them at the same time. I’m so sorry about your mom. Praying for your mom and your peace.

Pkstracy

23-01-20, 02:45

gives you hugs J2

Dying_Swan

23-01-20, 13:26

Just sending some love from here, too. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, especially after all you've been through with your son. Life is sometimes very cruel. I don't think it's any surprise you're feeling numb. Grief is very individual and there is no right or wrong way to feel. Please don't put any more pressure on yourself to feel a particular way. Just being there is enough.

27-01-20, 14:12

Just an update on my mum. She has been removed from all the machines. When they unhooked her, they told us she would not survive and so we all gathered around and said our good-byes. Except she kept breathing. So now, 2 days laters she is mostly incoherent and we are all trying to figure out what to do. I am now at the end of my rope. Also, my son has a follow up appt. today and I am worried about that. My anxiety is now causing me to have all kinds of stomach issues and I am now switching words like "small" and "smart" or "hospital" and "hotel". At least I hope it is anxiety (something new to worry about, yeah). Anyway, thanks for the kind words and general good vibes you guys are sending my way.

J2

Carnation

27-01-20, 17:31

Word switching or replacement is definitely anxiety and is not a permanent state.
I feel for you J2, I've been in your position 3 times!
It's one of the hardest things to go through in life.
You will come through this although it doesn't feel like that for you at the moment. :hugs:

StephA

27-01-20, 17:44

Oh J2 I’m so sorry. This is just a lot on your plate. Prayers going up for you. (((((HUGS)))))

MyNameIsTerry

28-01-20, 18:53

I agree with Carnation.

Being there is all that matters for her now and it's going to hit everyone in a different way. Your anxiety is likely to intensify because you are under so much pressure and your emotions will be all over the place. And don't be surprised if you have periods of feeling spaced out, not present or numbness because DP/DR are a way for the brain to escape from trauma.

:hugs: for you all and some :flowers: for your mum.

Jujube

29-01-20, 01:15

J2, just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and your family today. I hope you can find some peace during these difficult days.

NancyW

29-01-20, 02:00

J2 thinking about you and your family. There are things in life that just plain suck.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Sad as this is, I'm still feeling the blessing that Gavin is ok. :-)

Cptdebbie

29-01-20, 02:09

Dear J2, I don’t have anything to say that someone else hasn’t already said. I just wanted you to know that I read your posts and my heart goes out to you. Loss is hard.

Your mother is very blessed to have a daughter who loves her so much! :hugs:

02-02-20, 19:04

BlueIris

02-02-20, 19:20

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

NancyW

02-02-20, 19:24

So very sorry J2, 'tis the cycle of life painful as it is. It's been 15 years since my mom passed, life is different without her but I am so grateful for the relationship we had.

How is our little guy Gavin doing?

Dying_Swan

02-02-20, 20:49

I am so sorry to read your sad news, J2. I will be thinking of you and your family x

pulisa

02-02-20, 20:55

No matter how prepared you think you are it's always devastating. My condolences, J2 and I hope you have as much support from loved ones as possible at this really sad time.

Fishmanpa

02-02-20, 21:05

Sorry to hear this J2... Condolences to you and yours. Hope Gavin is doing Ok.

Positive thoughts

Carnation

02-02-20, 21:18

My thoughts are with you J2 :hugs:

Jujube

02-02-20, 21:40

So sorry, j2. As always, praying for you, gavin, and your family.

02-02-20, 22:17

He is back in school and has an MRI on Monday. I am praying that the MRI is good and I can finally exhale. Thanks for asking

StephA

02-02-20, 23:17

So sorry for your loss. (((((HUGS)))))
Let us know how the MRI turns out. Prayers all will be good.

Phoenixess

03-02-20, 00:37

To everyone that was lifting us up in thought, prayer and words, I want to say Thank you. It has been very comforting and calming to know so many people care. Unfortunately, mum has died. She died peacefully after 10 days in the hospital. I said my farewell and told her I would see her again.

Peace and love be with you all.

J2

God bless you at This time J2 I am sorry for your loss. Thoughts and blessings with you And your family xx

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