Allochka
10-02-20, 15:17
Hello everyone,
I haven’t been on this board regularly for more than 2 years. Now, unfortunately, I’m having a relapse and here I am… Afraid this will be a long post J
My HA started in 2011 immediately after I had miscarriage after long infertility years. Therapists explained that HA was some kind of dumb coping mechanism – my mind was too busy with HA and I wasn’t thinking about lost pregnancy.
Fully agree with that. Bad thing is I’m already over that loss, but HA stuck with me for years.
I could control it more or less, but It became stronger after birth of our daughter in 2015. Strangely, the fact that my husband was diagnosed and treated for kidney cancer during pregnancy didn’t make HA worse. Quite opposite – we were fighting with cancer side by side and I was strong determined, not anxious. Husband is OK now J
But I kept obsessing about daughter, diagnosed her with countless terrible and not so terrible conditions (epilepsy (of the worst kind), microcephaly, tethered cord, cerebral palsy, cancers, etc). One of the craziest scares was tuberous sclerosis in 2016, I posted here about it. Needless to say she didn’t have any of these conditions.
I started theraphy in 2017 and went on meds. It was a huge success – I was doing fine for 2,5 years, had occasional health scares but was able to rationalize and get back on track quickly. Then decided to go off meds this October – the worst decision ever! HA returned in January, after daughter was ill with smth unexplained, probably some kind of virus. She is OK now, but it got me spiralling.
After that I started fearing brain tumor (had episodes of vertigo), went to neuro, did MRI, all clear, diagnosis – simply BPPV, easy and benign!
The day I got all clear on MRI I noticed by 4,5 year old daughter started forgetting words in her native language once per day. I should explain that she is bilingual. Husband is Latvian, I am Russian. She spoke mostly Russian her entire life, but understood Latvian. Started kindergarten where everyone speaks Latvian last September. So her Latvian did flourish, she started talking it pretty well. She has more communication in Latvian that in Russian these days. So, from the one hand, it is normal for her to forget some Russian words, even if she learned them first. I even read an several articles that when someone starts learning second language, his/her native language gets surpressed by brain in order not to interfere with a new language. So people really forget words in native language for a while. So, to a logical person this could explain what happens to my daughter. But not for me. I CONVINCED myself this is some kind of aphasia and she has a brain tumor.
She speaks Latvian fine and remembers all words. Speaking in Russian she would either totally forget a word or use a wrong word. For example, this weekend she thought that cream is called “butter” in Russian, was calling it butter herself and brought me cream when I asked for butter. She couldnt’ remember the right word and obviously smth close came to her mind and she started using it. When I asked for a Latvian name for “cream” she said it correctly. BUt couldn’t remember the correct Russian word when I told her it is not “butter” and asked to remember the proper one.
We had like 4-5 similar episodes during week.
I’m trying to be logical, telling myself that scientific research proves people forget native words/expressions when studying/using second language. I’m telling myself that if it were a tumor, she would have trouble with second language as well, but her Latvian is fine. I even called her kindergarten teacher to make sure she is not making such mistakes in Latvian. She has no other symptoms at all, eating, dancing around, being happy and very smart. She also started learning English in kindergarten, so no wonder there is mix of languages in her head. Husband is not worried at all.
I’m in terrible state at the moment, trying to convince myself it is not a brain tumor and simply my anxiety and bilingualism. Not eating and sleeping properly, barely working. Every time I talk to daughter I monitor her for tongue slips and if it happens, I panic. It robbed me of all the joy of being with her.
Talked honestly with husband about how I feel and what I fear. He is sympathetic and supportive, but doesn’t want to hear about bringing daughter to neuro. Which may be a good thing - reassurance seeking never helped me long-term
I realize that the mere fact I got convinced about tumor in daughter right after fear of tumor in myself shouts of HA. I realize that I’m catastrophising and that this must stop! I
Threads about steps to conquer HA were always very helpful for me. So I decided to make my own, describing my plan to win in this fight
1. I have an appointment with therapist today and will ask for meds again. They do help.
2. I made a pact with husband that he would decide when to bring daughter to the doctor, not me. I know he loves her more than anything and won’t let anything bad happen to her. So if he notices smth strange – than it is reasonable and we go to doc. I can’t be reasonable and my instincts are totally off
3. I WON’T GOOGLE! Maybe its too late, since I remember too much already from previous googling, but anyway
4. I will repeat again and again in my mind obvious reasons for daughter’s language mistakes, and if they happen again - will try not to freak out and explain them logically
5. I will remind myself that I got better once and lived happily for more than 2 years. SO I can do it again!
I’m determined to beat it again. God luck to us all struggling and thank you for the support you offer here.
Alla
I haven’t been on this board regularly for more than 2 years. Now, unfortunately, I’m having a relapse and here I am… Afraid this will be a long post J
My HA started in 2011 immediately after I had miscarriage after long infertility years. Therapists explained that HA was some kind of dumb coping mechanism – my mind was too busy with HA and I wasn’t thinking about lost pregnancy.
Fully agree with that. Bad thing is I’m already over that loss, but HA stuck with me for years.
I could control it more or less, but It became stronger after birth of our daughter in 2015. Strangely, the fact that my husband was diagnosed and treated for kidney cancer during pregnancy didn’t make HA worse. Quite opposite – we were fighting with cancer side by side and I was strong determined, not anxious. Husband is OK now J
But I kept obsessing about daughter, diagnosed her with countless terrible and not so terrible conditions (epilepsy (of the worst kind), microcephaly, tethered cord, cerebral palsy, cancers, etc). One of the craziest scares was tuberous sclerosis in 2016, I posted here about it. Needless to say she didn’t have any of these conditions.
I started theraphy in 2017 and went on meds. It was a huge success – I was doing fine for 2,5 years, had occasional health scares but was able to rationalize and get back on track quickly. Then decided to go off meds this October – the worst decision ever! HA returned in January, after daughter was ill with smth unexplained, probably some kind of virus. She is OK now, but it got me spiralling.
After that I started fearing brain tumor (had episodes of vertigo), went to neuro, did MRI, all clear, diagnosis – simply BPPV, easy and benign!
The day I got all clear on MRI I noticed by 4,5 year old daughter started forgetting words in her native language once per day. I should explain that she is bilingual. Husband is Latvian, I am Russian. She spoke mostly Russian her entire life, but understood Latvian. Started kindergarten where everyone speaks Latvian last September. So her Latvian did flourish, she started talking it pretty well. She has more communication in Latvian that in Russian these days. So, from the one hand, it is normal for her to forget some Russian words, even if she learned them first. I even read an several articles that when someone starts learning second language, his/her native language gets surpressed by brain in order not to interfere with a new language. So people really forget words in native language for a while. So, to a logical person this could explain what happens to my daughter. But not for me. I CONVINCED myself this is some kind of aphasia and she has a brain tumor.
She speaks Latvian fine and remembers all words. Speaking in Russian she would either totally forget a word or use a wrong word. For example, this weekend she thought that cream is called “butter” in Russian, was calling it butter herself and brought me cream when I asked for butter. She couldnt’ remember the right word and obviously smth close came to her mind and she started using it. When I asked for a Latvian name for “cream” she said it correctly. BUt couldn’t remember the correct Russian word when I told her it is not “butter” and asked to remember the proper one.
We had like 4-5 similar episodes during week.
I’m trying to be logical, telling myself that scientific research proves people forget native words/expressions when studying/using second language. I’m telling myself that if it were a tumor, she would have trouble with second language as well, but her Latvian is fine. I even called her kindergarten teacher to make sure she is not making such mistakes in Latvian. She has no other symptoms at all, eating, dancing around, being happy and very smart. She also started learning English in kindergarten, so no wonder there is mix of languages in her head. Husband is not worried at all.
I’m in terrible state at the moment, trying to convince myself it is not a brain tumor and simply my anxiety and bilingualism. Not eating and sleeping properly, barely working. Every time I talk to daughter I monitor her for tongue slips and if it happens, I panic. It robbed me of all the joy of being with her.
Talked honestly with husband about how I feel and what I fear. He is sympathetic and supportive, but doesn’t want to hear about bringing daughter to neuro. Which may be a good thing - reassurance seeking never helped me long-term
I realize that the mere fact I got convinced about tumor in daughter right after fear of tumor in myself shouts of HA. I realize that I’m catastrophising and that this must stop! I
Threads about steps to conquer HA were always very helpful for me. So I decided to make my own, describing my plan to win in this fight
1. I have an appointment with therapist today and will ask for meds again. They do help.
2. I made a pact with husband that he would decide when to bring daughter to the doctor, not me. I know he loves her more than anything and won’t let anything bad happen to her. So if he notices smth strange – than it is reasonable and we go to doc. I can’t be reasonable and my instincts are totally off
3. I WON’T GOOGLE! Maybe its too late, since I remember too much already from previous googling, but anyway
4. I will repeat again and again in my mind obvious reasons for daughter’s language mistakes, and if they happen again - will try not to freak out and explain them logically
5. I will remind myself that I got better once and lived happily for more than 2 years. SO I can do it again!
I’m determined to beat it again. God luck to us all struggling and thank you for the support you offer here.
Alla