Really frustrated at myself.....

[Phoenixess]

I have been really trying to do positive thinking, meditation, relaxation and breathing. Been on a more positive level field with myself. Then tonight low and behold I try to go the super market, my heart was racing I was getting exhausted then my ears were ringing, thought I was going to pass out, then three or four ectopic beats and now I’m really really annoyed!!
I’m annoyed because my body isn’t functioning with my mind and I’m annoyed my mind dictates my body. I really though things were improving. I guess it’s taken me 6 months for me to end up with a daily dose of a panic disorder which has been perpetuated by fears and my minds stronghold, I guess it won’t disappear over night.
I strongly believe I suffered with this long before but I drank wine to mask it all, three months ago today I gave up alcohol and I fear touching a drop since.
Maybe now is time to relearn myself even deeper than what I know I just feel sad and frustrated with this tonight! Sorry to bemoan just not in a good place.
Try to do some meditation and breathing xx thanks for listening


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[ankietyjoe]

I have been really trying to do positive thinking, meditation, relaxation and breathing. Been on a more positive level field with myself. Then tonight low and behold I try to go the super market, my heart was racing I was getting exhausted then my ears were ringing, thought I was going to pass out, then three or four ectopic beats and now I’m really really annoyed!!
I’m annoyed because my body isn’t functioning with my mind and I’m annoyed my mind dictates my body. I really though things were improving. I guess it’s taken me 6 months for me to end up with a daily dose of a panic disorder which has been perpetuated by fears and my minds stronghold, I guess it won’t disappear over night.
I strongly believe I suffered with this long before but I drank wine to mask it all, three months ago today I gave up alcohol and I fear touching a drop since.
Maybe now is time to relearn myself even deeper than what I know I just feel sad and frustrated with this tonight! Sorry to bemoan just not in a good place.
Try to do some meditation and breathing xx thanks for listening


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First of all, kudos for actually going to the supermarket. A lot of people try to avoid it with anxiety.

Also try and focus on these bold parts for a second. You're on a journey of discovery right now. Congratulate yourself for staying off the booze, it's a big deal and 100% the right decision. And no, it absolutely won't disappear overnight, it never does, ever. Panic attacks will still happen for now, but I bet you're able to recover from them more quickly now and not catastrophise them into a pit of negative inevitability. Be annoyed, be frustrated, but absolutely don't be disappointed with yourself, definitely use it as a re-learning tool, find out what's making you tick.

What I used to do in situations like that (I would force myself to go to the supermarket daily) is when the panic attack happened, I just sat with it inside the supermarket. Very rarely I would have to leave and go to my car, but once I came down a bit I'd go back in again to finish my shop. Exposing yourself to this panic is not dangerous, and using what you've learned with meditation and positive thinking by talking yourself down whilst it's happening can be part of the recovery process. Even if you get 5% relief while it's happening, it is an absolute win. Remember, during a panic attack your sympathetic nervous system is trying to tell you you're about to die. If you can take control of ANY of that, you're doing really well. Adrenaline is rocket fuel, and is very hard to fight against.

Frustration is inevitable at this point in your recovery because as far as I can tell you can already see light at the end of the tunnel, and that's almost worse than having no hope at all sometimes as you know there's further to go still! :shades:

You will get there.

[Phoenixess]

First of all, kudos for actually going to the supermarket. A lot of people try to avoid it with anxiety.

Also try and focus on these bold parts for a second. You're on a journey of discovery right now. Congratulate yourself for staying off the booze, it's a big deal and 100% the right decision. And no, it absolutely won't disappear overnight, it never does, ever. Panic attacks will still happen for now, but I bet you're able to recover from them more quickly now and not catastrophise them into a pit of negative inevitability. Be annoyed, be frustrated, but absolutely don't be disappointed with yourself, definitely use it as a re-learning tool, find out what's making you tick.

What I used to do in situations like that (I would force myself to go to the supermarket daily) is when the panic attack happened, I just sat with it inside the supermarket. Very rarely I would have to leave and go to my car, but once I came down a bit I'd go back in again to finish my shop. Exposing yourself to this panic is not dangerous, and using what you've learned with meditation and positive thinking by talking yourself down whilst it's happening can be part of the recovery process. Even if you get 5% relief while it's happening, it is an absolute win. Remember, during a panic attack your sympathetic nervous system is trying to tell you you're about to die. If you can take control of ANY of that, you're doing really well. Adrenaline is rocket fuel, and is very hard to fight against.

Frustration is inevitable at this point in your recovery because as far as I can tell you can already see light at the end of the tunnel, and that's almost worse than having no hope at all sometimes as you know there's further to go still! :shades:

You will get there.

My sympathetic nervous system makes me feel like I’m dying also! I just thought that was a great perspective to put on it. And actually I question why all these crazy physical things happen but actually that makes a lot of sense I mean we know this stuff but sometimes we need reminding again.
I will get there just need to learn how to burn off my rocket fuel before it burns me xx thank you


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[Phoenixess]

My sympathetic nervous system makes me feel like I’m dying also! I just thought that was a great perspective to put on it. And actually I question why all these crazy physical things happen but actually that makes a lot of sense I mean we know this stuff but sometimes we need reminding again.
I will get there just need to learn how to burn off my rocket fuel before it burns me xx thank you


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Having really weird sensations tonight hate this it’s scaring me to death [emoji88] questioning if it is anxiety any more because I can’t even put into words what I go through in that split second makes me feel like I’m passing out like I can’t even stop it but my heart doesn’t race


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[ankietyjoe]

All sounds familiar to me. Research anxiety (and nothing else) to keep reminding yourself of the 1000's of symptoms it can create.

[Phoenixess]

well it went a bit wild this end, i felt spaced out all day long, i had lots of stress today as well then i was just sitting at my desk and my face went weird and i had a surge of heat and boom full blown panic attack my heart was pounding i could hear it against my chest i couldn't calm it down for twenty minutes i called 999 which is my hardest thing to do and they told me it wasnt life threatening so they said they wouldnt come and to ring my gp i spoke to my gp and he said it was still my panic disorder and it was very difficult. i then rang my dad and cried for half an hour and now im here. i might go for a cigarette and a walk which is one thing i hate to do but i might burn off the adrenaline so i might be able to sleep. interesting though now i have had the panic attack my brain fog has gone. in some ways feel better others i feel worse

[Phoenixess]

Having a crisis!!!
Basically had my severe panic attack early and then my mum rang me because she has gone away with my step dad and they have had a serious row she has called her friend to pick her up and bring her home. My gran has been calling me telling me we are all going to be murdered by my step dad I know all this is not true but my panics have started again and I’m starting to feel like I’m on a boat. I hate this. I’ve ordered dominoes trying to stay calm


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[ankietyjoe]

Having a crisis!!!
Basically had my severe panic attack early and then my mum rang me because she has gone away with my step dad and they have had a serious row she has called her friend to pick her up and bring her home. My gran has been calling me telling me we are all going to be murdered by my step dad I know all this is not true but my panics have started again and I’m starting to feel like I’m on a boat. I hate this. I’ve ordered dominoes trying to stay calm


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I'm starting to see a bit more clearly where your anxiety is coming from.

Enjoy the pizza.

[Phoenixess]

I'm starting to see a bit more clearly where your anxiety is coming from.

Enjoy the pizza.

Thank you I’m trying to relax but I’m burning up again xx


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[ankietyjoe]

Is this family dynamic normal for you? Arguments and third party death threats?

[Phoenixess]

Is this family dynamic normal for you? Arguments and third party death threats?

Sadly yes and this is a lot calmer than my childhood


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[ankietyjoe]

Ok, this is probably 99.99% the reason for your anxiety, and something you might want to consider avoiding in the future as much as possible. Avoiding toxic family members does not make you a bad person.

You also have a solid reason for the anxiety. Anxiety comes from stress, and it sounds like you have been living with this stress for years. Eventually your central nervous system can't cope with it any more and the anxiety cycle starts. Actually knowing why it's there may help you rationalise it a bit more in the future too.

[Phoenixess]

Ok, this is probably 99.99% the reason for your anxiety, and something you might want to consider avoiding in the future as much as possible. Avoiding toxic family members does not make you a bad person.

You also have a solid reason for the anxiety. Anxiety comes from stress, and it sounds like you have been living with this stress for years. Eventually your central nervous system can't cope with it any more and the anxiety cycle starts. Actually knowing why it's there may help you rationalise it a bit more in the future too.

I had to move home for financial reasons and living alone wasn’t much good either I had one set of neighbours threaten to kill me took four years fighting the council to get rid of them and then the next lot robbed my house trashed my whole world so I left and moved back in with my mum. Then she got sick in 2018 and nearly died twice in front of me and had 12 blood transfusions and was in and out of hospital Haemorrhaging before having a five hour operation to save her life, then my other grandma died and I’m trying to do my degree and then my mum broke her leg and I was a career for her my alive grandma and grandpa with no one to help out. I haven’t got any friends any more because I became so isolated caring and now this. But yer perhaps my body had enough on the stress front that would make a lot of sense


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[glassgirlw]

I had to move home for financial reasons and living alone wasn’t much good either I had one set of neighbours threaten to kill me took four years fighting the council to get rid of them and then the next lot robbed my house trashed my whole world so I left and moved back in with my mum. Then she got sick in 2018 and nearly died twice in front of me and had 12 blood transfusions and was in and out of hospital Haemorrhaging before having a five hour operation to save her life, then my other grandma died and I’m trying to do my degree and then my mum broke her leg and I was a career for her my alive grandma and grandpa with no one to help out. I haven’t got any friends any more because I became so isolated caring and now this. But yer perhaps my body had enough on the stress front that would make a lot of sense


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this laundry list of things is 100% where your HA and probably just anxiety in general is coming from. I’m so sorry, it sounds like you’ve been through quite a lot in a relatively short amount of time. I apologize that I haven’t read some of the other posts, have you tried any talk therapy?

[Phoenixess]

this laundry list of things is 100% where your HA and probably just anxiety in general is coming from. I’m so sorry, it sounds like you’ve been through quite a lot in a relatively short amount of time. I apologize that I haven’t read some of the other posts, have you tried any talk therapy?

Thanks for your message, I’m having extended cbt at the moment we have done ten sessions and been given another ten it’s really hard because my stupid head kept trying to convince me it wasn’t panic or anxiety so I’ve been quite paranoid perhaps I wasn’t able to use the cbt as well as I wanted and what we hadn’t realised was my safety behaviours were actually negative thoughts in my mind. Our minds are crafty! I had 12 weeks of counselling in the summer but I don’t think I was in the right place to do counselling because that’s when I was caring for my grandparents and my mum so it’s wasnt beneficial even though I completed it at the time. Going to refer myself for some counselling after all the cbt. I nearly paid for a private psychotherapist but I didn’t feel I needed one I know where it’s all come from I just really need to learn to let go and relax that’s my biggest challenge.
And I managed to quit drinking in the midst of all this so just got to crack the puzzle somehow .
Thank you again i appreciate your support

[ankietyjoe]

I had to move home for financial reasons and living alone wasn’t much good either I had one set of neighbours threaten to kill me took four years fighting the council to get rid of them and then the next lot robbed my house trashed my whole world so I left and moved back in with my mum. Then she got sick in 2018 and nearly died twice in front of me and had 12 blood transfusions and was in and out of hospital Haemorrhaging before having a five hour operation to save her life, then my other grandma died and I’m trying to do my degree and then my mum broke her leg and I was a career for her my alive grandma and grandpa with no one to help out. I haven’t got any friends any more because I became so isolated caring and now this. But yer perhaps my body had enough on the stress front that would make a lot of sense


I'm really sorry you had to experience all this, and it does explain your anxiety now perfectly.

I hope you're able to find some comfort in the fact that you have an identifiable reason for the anxiety to be there, even though that reason is a long history of difficult situations you've had to endure.

[Phoenixess]

Just had another panic in the middle of a cafe. I’m wondering why they are getting more intense and worse. I’m scared I’m broken and I’m just going to die. I’m not saying that to be dramatic as much as it seems I’m just feeling defeated


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[Phoenixess]

Having a tough day. Feel like I will be ok but doubt is creeping in. Not sure what to think or feel or how to get my focus back on track


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[ankietyjoe]

Use distractions, do whatever you need to do to pay as little attention to what you're feeling as possible. Try and remember the more attention you pay to symptoms, the worse they get. It seems counter intuitive to try and ignore them, but that's what you need to do. Nothing will happen to you, it's just sensation.

[Phoenixess]

Use distractions, do whatever you need to do to pay as little attention to what you're feeling as possible. Try and remember the more attention you pay to symptoms, the worse they get. It seems counter intuitive to try and ignore them, but that's what you need to do. Nothing will happen to you, it's just sensation.

Thank you it escalated a bit I tried to go to the shop I got scared and felt panicky and frustrated at the situation I rushed home and lay on my bed and wrote 15 times “nothing bad is going to happen to you” I might try to something creative to take my mind off it. My mum is concerned she keeps asking me if I’m ok that’s making me worry a bit more but perhaps I have gone very quiet for fear! Really scared of unexpected life threatening situations happening to me [emoji3525][emoji3525][emoji26][emoji26]


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[Phoenixess]

I’m in tears I don’t feel good at all. I have managed to conquer my irrational thoughts of heart attacks and strokes but I’m just feeling rotten. I feel like I can’t do anything I keep feeling really wound up and dizzy. I feel sick I can’t even do my work tonight so I feel like a failure I’ve spent too long looking at my phone it’s made my eyes weird. I’m scared all over again.


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[Phoenixess]

Managed to calm down did 20 minutes meditation and now I’m shattered! Anyone else get over exhausted from anxiety and panic? Xx


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[Carnation]

Phoenixess, I have had that feeling after looking at my phone too long and it will be your subconscious thoughts creeping in.
I read what you have been through and it was very similar to what I went through myself and had a breakdown because of it.
I thought at the time my life was over and here I am 6 years on. Your panic, dizziness and feelings all stem from your thoughts.
When you feel this way, give yourself a break by doing nothing but lots of tlc. You are not alone in the way you feel.

[ankietyjoe]

Everything you are feeling is 'normal' with anxiety. The impending sense of danger, death, fear, doom etc etc. Everybody goes through it.

What you are doing by going to the shops and writing down mantras is the complete opposite of failure, and WILL reap you rewards eventually. It's going to be pretty shitty for a while, but it will get better. Please try and look back at the posts you've made even today and see the pattern of ups and downs. The better you ride out the downs, the more often the ups will happen, and for longer. It just takes a lot of time.

[glassgirlw]

I’m in tears I don’t feel good at all. I have managed to conquer my irrational thoughts of heart attacks and strokes but I’m just feeling rotten. I feel like I can’t do anything I keep feeling really wound up and dizzy. I feel sick I can’t even do my work tonight so I feel like a failure I’ve spent too long looking at my phone it’s made my eyes weird. I’m scared all over again.


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oh gosh I get the same way if I’ve looked at my phone too long, or my iPad, or computer screen. My eyes go all wonky so that makes me feel dizzy when in reality I’m not. I understand!! Just keep telling yourself that’s a natural reaction to staring at a digital screen for so long - close your eyes for a few and just breathe and repeat that mantra over and over. When you open your eyes again you may feel better. It works for me!

[Phoenixess]

Hey carnation, ankietyjoe and glassgirlw thanks for your support! I’m trying to take it easy. I managed to close my eyes for ten minutes earlier and it helped a lot. I mustered enough strength to Cook dinner for everyone but I’m so on the edge the heat kept triggering ectopic beats to just try to show me I’m on the verge of a panic so I took some deep breathes to show the panic I am in control of it and it does not dictate me today!! For once I’m looking forward to going to sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day I have a deadline on Tuesday
Thanks all for your support *hugs*


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[Phoenixess]

Just used an ice face mask it was very relaxing! Will let you know if I get on with it x


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[Carnation]

That sounds more positive Phoenixess :)

[Phoenixess]

Only wrote two things on my positivity log today feeling gutted because it would have been nice to have more to write!
Feeling a bit flat lined tonight. Had a ok ish day only one point was I bit more panicky but now I’m starting to not be as productive as I was for fear of triggering myself!

Ah ha got a new one for my positivity log I sang four songs full pelt today with my window wide open


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[Phoenixess]

Had a panic attack this evening.....didn’t know candy crush was so threatening to trigger me like that [emoji4]
I didn’t panic I was having a panic I’m starting to find a confidence in what it feels like BUT I get this foggy head about an hour before like a panic aura does anyone else get similar?


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[Phoenixess]

Now still having strange symptoms probably noticing them more because I’m not freaking out I had a weird head pain and then I had a cool sensation on my skin where it was? Anyone have this? I’m sorry to ask all these questions just normally when I have had all my panic attacks I’m usually too upset to really figure out what’s happening to my body. Or I always doubt its panic and fear worse things! Tonight I am accepting panic


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[nomorepanic]

Have you read all the website pages on here for advice and tips?

[Phoenixess]

Have you read all the website pages on here for advice and tips?

No I probably haven’t



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[nomorepanic]

Well have a read then lol

[Phoenixess]

Well have a read then lol

Lol [emoji23] I am my eyes keep closing but will defo get round to it I’m starting on first steps


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[nomorepanic]

Yeah there are some good things on there that people never read so it may help

[Phoenixess]

Realised I have a new safety behaviour! Avoid avoid avoid! Need to break my cycles [emoji26][emoji26][emoji26][emoji26]


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[Phoenixess]

Today has been a good day I have felt peace and calm all day. Still haven’t been far out the house which is starting to grate on me as I feel like a hermit!!

I cleaned the kitchen and started to feel a bit panicky but can and sat down and it soon settled! Trigger - housework I don’t mind missing out on that!!

But no on a positive I feel a bit better today and even considered starting my own business ( what is this crazy thoughts of positive things for the future ?!?) I never thought I would see the day xx


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[Carnation]

I think that's a really good sign that you are looking at the future positively, but it's just as important to living in the now.
Cleaning a kitchen or any room for that fact will always leave the mind to wander, try mixing it with music and a singalong or have the tv on in the background until you feel more settled. x

[Phoenixess]

Today at therapy she wanted to capture my new conviction it is all panic and nothing more serious! I’m relieved at this shift tools but what had started as a positive light start to the day ended in over exhaustion after therapy and a resurgence of a trauma flashback all of which has left me in bed with a migraine. Exhausted! Ate a pizza and watch Cats the Mewvie on Netflix!! They have redeemed themselves from don’t “f**k” with cats!


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