elik
23-02-20, 04:00
My anxiety has evolved over the years - the last couple have seen me riddled with social anxiety and a genuine fear of being free, open and close to people. I actively go into social settings with an internal fight of wanting to be myself and not appearing any different but I don’t want people to like me too much so I dull my personality - I mustn’t be too funny etc. It’s the worst feeling because I care so much and I wish I could be the best friend to everyone but I have overcompensated and juggled too much in the past and it’s overwhelmed me. I have this feeling that I will fail my friends if I try and take on more and more because I carry every woe and responsibility of others on my shoulders and I can’t actually cope (pathetic, huh?) so it’s best to keep distant. I share nothing in my life with friends, I don’t feel I have my own personality (I mould to my surroundings) or feel strong enough as a character to know how to act naturally where there is constant communication so it’s a waste of their time - I feel fraudulent. I’m also such a worrier, I feel a burden if I was actually real all the time. I don’t know why this has taken over so much but it’s always there. I can’t just be and I would do anything to just be me. Any guidance would be so so appreciated, I literally can’t turn to anyone because of my above reasons.