View Full Version : Abuse and anxiety
Hi,
I realise this is a bit rogue and probably not the right place to post but I am so confused about it all.
Basically myself and partner of 6 years moved out together. House is in his name. I am not working at the moment and havent since we moved in together, which was in May last year when my bad anxiety started. He is violent, aggressive and berates me for my anxiety problems. But on the other hand helps me with it, such as helping with my ocd rituals. I am so confused as to whether he is right to be as angry as he is. He worries about money. He sees me sitting at home. And it goes from there. But he does have a cannabis habit which I feel is the real cause of his anger. If he runs out, I get the brunt. Today for example I have been called some horrible names, lazy this lazy that, which I wont write on here as its quite profane. I am scared to leave him, because he does talk to me down out of my fears and has generally been extremely supportive over the years. But the wheels have fallen off now and he can be so abusive. What I wonder is, how do people with severe anxiety problems leave relationships? I am scared of being alone but I am scared here too. X
And also he knows I am not lazy, so its just to be hurtful. He knows it is because of anxiety that I am at home. That is cruel? I dont know? He knows how I hard I worked for my degree, I got a first. He knows I struggled for thr last year of it and pushed through it all to complete it. He knows I look after my family and my mum. How can he be so blind to what is causing me to be at home?
glassgirlw
24-02-20, 11:46
Time to get out. No one should be putting up with this type of behavior. It’s only going to escalate until it becomes physical abuse. Don’t let your mind trick yourself into thinking he’s the only one that can help you with your OCD issues. There is ALWAYS help out there, that won’t be unhealthy for you - which your partner is.
Thanks glassgirl. Yeah, he often says to me 'no one else would put up with it' and stuff like that. And maybe they wouldn't I dont know. It has been physical a few times, I'm not talking beaten up but stuff has happened. And it's all just very hard to decipher because like I say he has been a really good support over the years but now it's like hes holding it against me. He says sorry, we sort it out, and then it happens again a day or a week later. And thinking about it, it can't be doing my anxiety any favours. I'm constantly trying to assess his mood, and I know immediately when hes turned and can feel myself getting clammy and panicked. But the alternative as back to my parents at 32, no support and of course I'll miss the relationship. My friends are really good and so is my brother, but honestly I wouldn't ever tell any of them the extent of anxiety problems because I'm just too private. So he is the only one I have really
glassgirlw
24-02-20, 12:23
I understand the private thing. I’m the same way. I haven’t really told any of my family or friends the extent of my anxiety - they know I have it but they don’t know the extent it’s gone to sometimes.
here’s the thing - you will just keep getting mentally beat down over and over and over again. Living on edge constantly keeps your anxiety at a heightened level and it will only keep getting worse. It sounds like your anxiety is a trigger for him, so as your anxiety worsens so will the abuse.
it’s not the end of the world to move back in with your parents. I think you’ll find yourself able to calm the anxiety, maybe get a job and find a small place that’s just yours. You need to do this for your own sanity.
You need to get away from that regardless LF. There's absolutely no excuse at all, in any way, shape or form to be treated that way.
Positive thoughts
ankietyjoe
24-02-20, 12:47
Agree with the others. Leave.
Yes, it's ok for him to be frustrated and even a little angry at things, but to take it out on you, to abuse you, to be violent is not ok, ever. He is also being extremely manipulative and controlling because HE is the one with the house in his name and he is putting you in a bad place AND supplying care at the same time. This is classic narcissistic behaviour. On top of that, worrying about money and having a drug habit is BS. Comments like 'no-one else would put up with it' are also BS. My partner has a much more severe mental health condition than anxiety and I don't treat her like crap. She drives me f#*king mad some days and it makes me want to scream, but I would never take it out on her, or try and control her.
There's nothing wrong with moving back to your parents at 32 either. That's what they're there for. I did it at 34 when an old relationship broke up. I was there a month and then found a place of my own, and you will too. I think it's time to confide in your friends and family. You might be surprised at just how receptive they are, and how much of a weight it takes off your shoulders.
Fundamentally, your boyfriend is being an a55hole. I understand your feelings for him, but run. Don't tell him, don't talk to him, just leave. Don't risk being manipulated or bullied by him again.
And yes, living with him is likely to be your biggest source of anxiety right now.
MyNameIsTerry
24-02-20, 14:34
The thing about abusive partners is they tend to create an illusion that you need them. You don't. They will make you feel only they can help you and you must stay within their grasp. All along they will just keep doing what they are doing whilst restricting your life more & more to make you dependent on them.
I would move back home and take life from there. The alternative, if he doesn's week help for his own issues and work veyry hard to change, is escalation and more of the same. And as said above, ironically this will only keep you within your anxiety because he will use it against you and create an environment for worry to flourish.
As far as support goes you have this place and there are real life charity groups where you can do the same. They may not always be there at the moment you need them but what is the advantage of being knocked about and living like this? And from such groups you might make close friends too.
Thank you all for replying.
I guess moving back isnt the worst thing, I'm more embarrassed than anything as all my friends are getting married and having babies and here I am again not able to just be normal or happy for one reason or another. They are supportive but I just couldn't tell them the extent of it all I dont think. And you're all right, hes made me feel comfortable and that he cares but really, when it comes down to it he doesn't. Hes cheated, broken my stuff including my phone, hit me and been really verbally abusive since we moved out. When I think back over the years theres been hints of it, things being broken or flying off the handle. But this has all crept up on me and now I'm thinking how did I get into this situation. My anxiety is so bad, as I've posted about I have turned to having a drink to help. But it has never ever resulted in me being drunk or aggressive or anything like that. He hounds me about this as well, says I'm weak and make no effort to stop, completely ignoring I've obviously started to feel reliant on it to help my anxiety. Saying this, I do agree it has to stop and a lot of what he says is right. But smashing up wine bottles, glasses to the point glass is flying around the room isnt going to help anything. And the fact he himself has a problem with smoking is just so hypocritical. But yet I'M the one who has to change and I'M the problem. It's just all toxic really now. And my anxiety is getting worse and worse and I do believe it's because half the time I'm worried if hes going to flip at me about money, or drinking, or not having a job or not cleaning to his standards, whatever it is that day. I'm at my mums now, just really struggling with it all.
ankietyjoe
24-02-20, 16:40
Your situation is a self sustaining loop of problems. You're anxious because of him, but also (as Terry pointed out very well) under the illusion that you need him to cope (you absolutely do not), you feel like you need to drink to relax, which he has a problem with and then reacts to, leading you to feel more anxious.
His behaviour is deeply manipulative and unreasonable, and even if he wanted to change the depth of behaviour you are speaking about would take an incredibly long time to unpick. However, it doesn't sound to me like he wants to change. I suspect he'll promise that he will once he realises you are gone, but I am 99% sure that he won't.
If you look back at your thread about losing 7 months to anxiety, you mentioned being pathetic. That to me sounds like his words echoing through you. You need to be away from that to heal.
Now you are mentally moving away from that situation, it would be a really good idea to confide in at least one person. Somebody you can just be yourself around, and who won't judge you unfairly. You might get odd 'come on, cheer up' comment, but that's not the same as being physically and verbally abused the way you are now.
Thanks Joe. Yeah, he is deep as the ocean and I have no idea where to start. He gets upset about not having a group of friends anymore, as he isolated himself from them years before he met me. But openly tells me he hates and resents me for having a group of friends. Hes never been the type to stop me seeing my friends dont get me wrong, quite the opposite. But since we moved out ( he had never really mentioned it or how much it upset him) he has been quite manic about it as a topic during one of his rages. Crying, smashing things and saying I do nothing to help him with this. What can I do? I cant make this happen for him, it isn't my fault. He says I isolate him even though this occured well before he met me. It's all very unsettling for me. I'm not saying woe is me, I respect his problems. But he doesn't respect mine. All his issues are major in his opinion, and mine can be fixed overnight if I just get my head together. It's so unreasonable. I have told my brother quite a lot, and a few closer friends. But honestly I worry, if I told them about the drinking and stuff. I don't want them to have a bad opinion of me and alcoholism has SUCH a stigma, people are so demonised. And I know it isnt helpful and i know it can make some people act badly, so I sort of get why it has that reputation. But for them to think I'm unhinged or unstable would just destroy me. And my whole social life is based on going out having a drink with my friends and stuff. Imagine, now they think I'm an alcoholic. They would start thinking we shouldn't ask her out anymore. So I am just very stuck in what and how much I give away. Because I can solve this myself and no one needs to know. But it seems very hard right now, as my main support keeps treating me like crap. Just very confused
ankietyjoe
24-02-20, 19:39
I think you've become used to being judged, because that's what he is doing. I also think you'll find the vast majority of your friends and family won't behave the same way and will just want to help.
Going out and having a drink is fine (within reason). Drinking at home to cope with the anxiety of your life is not. You're not an alcoholic yet by the way, far from it. Put that fear out of your mind, and take control of what you can now. Namely, your tormentor.
Thank you Joe. Yeah I am going to try my hardest to be a bit stronger in this. And thank you again for your words. Will keep reading back over everyone's replies today, it is helping me trying to put this all into perspective. I dont want to feel like this anymore x
Iwant2bhealthy
24-02-20, 22:54
Because I can solve this myself and no one needs to know.
You can't. If it would be something you could solve yourself it would already be done. We need help and support of other people just as much as we need air, water and food.
My advice would be to talk about the situation at home with one of your friends. Choose one who you think will be the most supportive, and see how it goes from there.
Also, if you are worried about your drinking try to stop for 3 months. Go out Nd meet up with friends, but drink only non-alcoholic beverages. If your friends ask why you dont drink say you're on meds, but you still wanted to enjoy their company. See how you feel. If not drinking turns out to be a problem it's a strong sign you should seek help. Your partner's addiction is his problem, and you are only responsible for yourself.
And I also agree with everyone else here, GET OUT OF THIS ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, SAVE YOURSELF!
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Thanks want2b healthy. If I'm honest I have never in my life gone longer than 3 months, that is so bad! Where I live theres kind of a party/drinking culture I guess, I've always gone out on a weekend and had drinks. But I should definitely try, even if it's just a month. Even a week would be good at this point :/
And yes, I need to try make moves to not stay in the relationship. I suppose I keep hoping for the best as he has a few days or weeks where hes perfect again. But then changes so quickly x
ankietyjoe
26-02-20, 14:49
If he's physically violent, even once is too much. It doesn't matter if he's a saint for the rest of his life, that one time is enough. The fact that his behaviour is regular is a big no no. Please don't start making excuses to stay.
And drinking culture is rife everywhere in the UK, but I gave up booze when I had anxiety and didn't start again now my anxiety is gone. I don't miss it at all, and it's never an issue when I'm out. The only issue is that there is a part of you that doesn't want to stop.
MyNameIsTerry
26-02-20, 15:19
Drinking culture was just the norm in my city and still is. You finished work and went to the pub. You went clubbing at the weekends. So many friendships can include a lot of this and sometimes you end up losing touch with those who just party. But I think as you grow older this changes anyway as the days of getting bladdered in the week get harder to recover from and get up to go to work as we did in our twenties.
I don't drink anymore and, combined with leaving a workplace where we did a lot of socialising, I lost touch with everyone including friends I had for years. But you can make new friends. I don't really miss drinking now and haven't for years although I would happily be in the pub with mates but more because they were there.
Some years ago, long before my anxiety days, I took a look in the mirror and decided to ditch all my ex work colleagues too. There was a drug and drink culture and I decided it wasn't what I wanted to be anymore.
I think my concern is more that you could turn to alcohol to handle the anxiety. He is making this worse and adding to the potential for a future addiction. I wonder how removing him from the equation might mean you can handle things better without feeling the need for some relief or maybe finding therapy/medication/changes to better your mental health do enough for you?
ankietyjoe
26-02-20, 15:53
It's also interesting to note that a pal of mine went to Germany a couple of years ago, he lived there for several months. One night he had a bit too much to drink and was singing on the way home from a bar, and was arrested. The way WE view alcohol consumption in this country is weird. So many allowances are made for disgusting behaviour because 'oh lol he was so pissed'. Like Terry, I can go to a pub with friends and not think about drink at all, although I could also have a beer and be fine with that too, but I cannot be around drunk people. They're just so annoying for the most part.
Totally relate to Germany comment! When I was in Italy for my brothers wedding we had this huge villa, about 20 stayed there. And it was pretty wild for drinking and partying as you can imagine. Anyway the taxi driver we had for the week came in one night as we were waiting for people, and on the way home we were chatting and he was saying how crazy he finds the drinking culture in England. People just get totally smashed, he said generally no body does that around there. I mean used to when I was younger but generally have learned my lesson on that front haha. Terry, yeah over time I see a lot less of some people. A lot of my closest friends have had babies so I dont see them as much, especially for drinking nights. I can see myself stopping altogether, its just not what I want anymore. I've put on weight, feel crap and as mentioned the hangovers are chronic. I just need to find something to help my anxiety that isnt in a glass 😕 Yeah, the violence has been a few occasions and it really isnt acceptable. He has always had a snappy temper but it has got worse.
ankietyjoe
26-02-20, 16:15
The sooner you leave the better. Make the decision, don't look back.
He will make ALL the promises in the world and swear to be different etc etc blah blah. He won't. You need to put yourself first now, and focus on you and your recovery.
Yeah definitely. Its weird, sometimes hes really sorry and wont happen again and others hes like give over man it wasnt even bad. That is concerning on its own , that someone doesn't even recognise their own abusive behaviour
ankietyjoe
26-02-20, 16:21
Exactly what you don't need in your life.
Yeah definitely. Its weird, sometimes hes really sorry and wont happen again and others hes like give over man it wasnt even bad. That is concerning on its own , that someone doesn't even recognise their own abusive behaviour
It's interesting in that I've compared anxiety with co-dependent abusive relationship and here you are with anxiety and IMO, based on your comments and how you almost defend him and make excuses for him, are in a co-dependent abusive relationship. LF, I'll say it again, its bad enough he mentally abuses you but to physically even raise a hand? NOPE! GET OUT ASAP! Cut all ties, get a restraining order if necessary and get the heck away from him!
Positive thoughts
Yeah, if I really boil down why I am still with him I think it is because I feel dependent on him to help with my problems. I feel scared to be on my own. But It is hard to call because he does have any of those hallmark abuser traits in terms of trying to control me or stop me seeing people, or being jealous or possessive. Nothing like that. He just has a really bad temper, which he has also been in trouble with his own family for, shouting and being aggressive, and had a physical fight with his own brother. The physical side of it has got worse since he stopped going to his boxing gym and started with this smoking cannabis. And the house move and money. It all seems to have snowballed into the unkind aggressive person he is being now.
And reading that back I do sound defensive of him and I dont know why. It's not defensible. Before Christmas I found him in our house with another woman. And he was so furious/hysterical, I dont even know the word, he took me outside and hit me in the face a few times and kicked me out and let her stay. I can't tell anyone that, I said it was an accident but it wasnt. I had two black eyes over Christmas, the police were involved. But I didn't want to take it any further so nothing came of it. And I just forgave him. Like the same day I let him come to my parents house and apologise. And when I think why on earth am I forgiving him!? Its because I felt so lonely and anxious sat at my parents by myself. So immediately let him back in so he could make me feel better. That isnt normal? That is however the only time he has ever hit me in the face. He says it was alcohol but, it was quite unbelievable that he did it.
ankietyjoe
27-02-20, 09:09
And reading that back I do sound defensive of him and I dont know why. It's not defensible. Before Christmas I found him in our house with another woman. And he was so furious/hysterical, I dont even know the word, he took me outside and hit me in the face a few times and kicked me out and let her stay. I can't tell anyone that, I said it was an accident but it wasnt. I had two black eyes over Christmas, the police were involved. But I didn't want to take it any further so nothing came of it. And I just forgave him.
You are worth more than this. Please, please leave as soon as possible.
If I can help in any way, let me know. It's an empty offer in reality, but whatever I can do. Start over, you will be happier I promise.
Thank you Joe I appreciate that. I'm glad I can post here about it too, feel a bit lighter X
Iwant2bhealthy
29-02-20, 02:56
(...)He just has a really bad temper (...)
And reading that back I do sound defensive of him and I dont know why.
No. It's not bad temper when you punch/push/slap your partner or call them names. I think you didnt tell anyone because you feel ashamed. And you shouldn't be. It's he who should be ashamed of himself. You are not responsible for his behaviour. I learned that shame is the kind of feeling that disappears if you say: "I'm so ashamed to admit it, but....".
You still defend him because he made you dependent by destroying your self-esteem with emotional and physical violence. The first always precedes the second. Experienced abuser will only hit you when he knows he can get away with it.
I found him in our house with another woman. (...) he took me outside and hit me in the face a few times and kicked me out and let her stay.
If this would happen to a friend or family member, what would you advise them to do? Be your own friend, and take your own advice. Go to the police. If you dont want make a statement it's ok. Just ask them to give you somej information for domestic abuse victims. They will know who to call to help.
I can't tell anyone that, I said it was an accident but it wasnt.
You really, really should. Even if you call Samaritans or another line like this.
That is however the only time he has ever hit me in the face.
And that makes it ok? Wherever you think your limits lay I can guarantee you that your abusive partner will move them further and further. If a friend steals your wallet and then slaps you in the face when you confront them about it, would you also excuse them because it happened once?
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I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
The way he is treating you is so wrong, it’s abuse of course.
Have you thought about contacting woman’s aid? They might be able to offer some good practical advice and support to help you make the move.
Iwant2bhealthy
01-03-20, 23:29
https://www.lifehacker.com.au/2014/10/five-subtle-signs-youre-being-abused-in-your-relationship/
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Thank you so much for these replies. 2bHealthy - I found that link really helpful, thank you. He threw something at me again the other day, I went to my parents for a while but am back here again, hoping it was the last. I have taken everyone's advice though and started speaking to my close friends and trying to detach myself emotionally/mentally from him as that's what is keeping me here. A fear of dealing with my anxiety alone is why I am here and it's taken a while to break this down to myself. He is a liar, an abuser, a cheat, he has no respect or anything I want in a partner anymore. I just need to take the leap and get my stuff out of here
ankietyjoe
05-03-20, 14:31
I just need to take the leap and get my stuff out of here
Good for you. You'll be so much happier without him around, in the long term.
Can anybody help you do it quickly?
Scass- thank you, yes I signed up and have posted for advice. I have been advised to leave as soon as possible or if I am not ready to at least have a bag somewhere accessible to leave quickly if I need to. He chased me the other day even into the garden. It is all so much now I dont know why he is doing it to me.
ankietyjoe
05-03-20, 14:35
You should also report it to the police, today.
Iwant2bhealthy
05-03-20, 15:39
I'm very proud of you for talking to someone, and asking for help. In the article I sent you there is a link to a story written by someone who also was in an abusive relationship. Did you read it?
Not wanting to leave because of your anxiety is a vicious circle. You don't want to leave because of the anxiety, so you stay with someone who causes you more anxiety in the long term. It is a strategy for coping with your anxiety, but there are better, safer and healthier ways to do it.
I think that for your own safety it would be good to file a report with the police. If you don't want to do it now, just pass by your local police station and ask for advice. They will know how to help you, and at least someone from the law enforcement will know that you live in a dangerous situation.
Do you have a chance to go to a therapist? I strongly recommend that. It helped me not just with anxiety symptoms but also with the underlying issues that cause it. It may help you rebuild your self-esteem after years of abuse.
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Scass- thank you, yes I signed up and have posted for advice. I have been advised to leave as soon as possible or if I am not ready to at least have a bag somewhere accessible to leave quickly if I need to. He chased me the other day even into the garden. It is all so much now I dont know why he is doing it to me.
So sorry that he’s being so awful to you. Don’t worry about what he’s doing it to you - it’s not you, it’s him. It’s his fault, absolutely not yours.
I’m glad you are getting advice, you are doing the right thing.
Yes I read the article and related to a lot of it, thanks for sharing it for me to read. My initial contact with the police I said I didn't want to persue anything, but they did give me a follow up call last month to ask if I was ok and to contact them if needed as they're aware now is the situation. Thankfully nothing as bad as that night has happened, but he is still very threatening, grabbing me, throwing things at me etc. I just need to try tell myself that this person, despite what they say, cant possibly love me. You don't disrespect or want to cause harm to someone you love. He is just so convincing on his 'nice' days, same as that woman in the article described. It goes in circle.
I have always been in relationships, and this is something else I need to think about. It almost feels like a separation anxiety, the thought of leaving him. I don't really know how to be on my own. And like I said I struggle to cope with my anxiety when I'm alone. I just dont know to be brave enough to get out.
Iwant2bhealthy
06-03-20, 09:02
Can you go to a therapist on a short notice? Maybe a private appointment? Talking to a professional who knows about complex emotions could help you move on with this stuff.
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Unfortunately not. I'm on a waiting list for NHS therapy, to go private would be quicker but would cost hundreds x
ankietyjoe
06-03-20, 19:52
I just dont know to be brave enough to get out.
That's what we are here for. I promise you will be ok.
Iwant2bhealthy
06-03-20, 20:25
That's too bad you cant get in right away. Do you know how long the waiting time is?
I think once you get to therapy, you should start by telling your therapist about the violence in your relationship. And, it's probably the part you dread the most, but if your childhood home was not a violent one, you should also tell your parents. That is of course if you have a good relationship with them.
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Iwant2bhealthy
06-03-20, 21:50
Also, one more remark. You wrote in your first post that he helps you with your OCD rituals. Did you mean he helps you by challenging them, or by helping you perform them? The first is helping out, the latter is enabling.
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I have told my parents some of it, but it is difficult as my mum had a stroke a few years ago and often forgets things I tell her. If I told her what had happened prior to her illness she would have gone after him with a pitchfork! Me and my dad have a weird relationship, he is very generous but not a very emotionally supportive person, we argue quite a lot.
With the ocd, He does both to be honest. In my most recent therapy he was fully supportive after I discussed my weekly goals, for example not opening a cupboard door. If I wanted to he would say no that's against what your therapist said so we arent doing it, which I am always glad about. But if I pushed him on it or felt really uncomfortable he would check it with me, if that makes sense. He has always helped me in genuine ways to persevere with my anxiety issues. He even travelled to spain with me for a wedding despite having to take time from work he didnt really have. That's why it's hard for me because he really isnt a manipulative or controlling person and I dont think he wants to break me down. He has just gone into a very weird, aggressive, nasty zone because of his own mental health problems.
And thank you Joe I really do feel supported here x
Back to one of his Jekyl and Hyde swings today. Apparently I am a 'useless' C word because he has no clean shirts to wear today and then tried to forcefully throw a coin at me across the room. He missed, but if that had hit me in the face would have been a nasty injury. Sick of me 'moping about'. He was screaming and shouting. Why dont I go out anywhere and if I insist on being anxious and at home at least do the F'ing washing he says. It's like watching a film, like I cant believe I am in this with him. I can't believe how he doesn't see what he does is wrong even if I am off work. Oh and also said how did I end up with someone so pathetic who doesn't want to do anything with her life. It's all so untrue.
It’s awful, I’m so sorry.
Do you ever think that he might be contributing to your anxiety?
Yeah I do. I feel like since we moved out I always feel on edge, which isnt very helpful when I have always had anxiety as it is. Hes made sure I never feel totally at home here and that I can be removed whenever he wants. And of course the threat of violence and aggression is always at the back of my mind. And the worst is he knows it. He knows he can raise his voice and say 'I'll go berserk if you dont end this conversation now'. So basically any issue or upset I have with him is now not even allowed to be discussed or there'll be consequences.
I'll say it again.... Please, for your physical safety, GET OUT OF THERE! Even if it's a motel or a women's shelter. And as suggested, call the police, get a restraining order to keep him away from you. What you're describing is frankly a dangerous situation. If need be, get a camera and record the behavior so you have evidence of the abuse.
Keeping you in....
Positive thoughts
Iwant2bhealthy
07-03-20, 13:47
Can you go to your parents, your brother's or your friend's house rightnow? Each minute you stay with him, you are allowing him to treat you worse and worse. Throwing an object at you is JUST AS BAD as hitting you with his fist or with a chair.
I, and others here can't stress it enough: YOU ARE IN DANGER. LEAVE THIS PLACE NOW.
You can come to pick your stuff later with a group of friends or your brother and your father.
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ankietyjoe
07-03-20, 18:58
Is there nobody that can come and help you get out? Do you have friends or family that can roll up with a vehicle that you can just pile all your belongings in?
Iwant2bhealthy
08-03-20, 12:06
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm
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Iwant2bhealthy
09-03-20, 08:14
Hi, I hope you are alright. I found an excellent webpage for you. It's a British organisation supporting women in your position. Maybe you could give them a call?
https://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/support-for-women/
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Hi. Want2be healthy thank you so much for posting those. That article really helped and the refuge link. I stayed with my parents most of the weekend. Today he has an interview so I spent the morning making notes and researching things for him. He got in a bad mood ripped up all my notes and threw something at me again, not sure what but it hit me in the shoulder and is now very sore. I'm sitting upstairs out of his way until after this interview and I pray it goes well because if not I know who will get the brunt.
I have started recording things to watch back myself to remind me how bad it is.
Iwant2bhealthy
09-03-20, 13:49
I'm glad it helps. Did you try to call them already? I think they can help you better than anyone else. They dont just offer refuge, they also support violence victims who are in a relationship with the abuser.
I'm sitting upstairs out of his way until after this interview and I pray it goes well because if not I know who will get the brunt.
I would suggest for you go to your parents again, before he comes back, and stay there overnight regardless of how the interview goes. His emotions will probably be all over the place, and you will be in danger again.
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I havent called yet. I feel a bit of a fraud because it's not like he beats me up, but I do know its domestic violence. But not on the scale some women suffer. I had to get a taxi urgently as he punched the walls, bleeding, screaming in my face saying it's my fault he didnt do well. He even hung up on the interviewer then just went ballistic. Demanded my phone off me but I said no and managed to get out. He has broken my phone once before so wasnt going to hand it over to him. I just cant believe his reaction. I recorded it all as fishman said, his screaming in the last hour. I realised how scared I am of him again. I was shaking, unable to breathe properly and flushed red, I imagine cos of my blood pressure soaring. Hes disgusting, that he can see someone hes meant to care about in that state caused by him. I did nothing but help him today and still got abuse.
I feel a bit of a fraud because it's not like he beats me up, but I do know its domestic violence. But not on the scale some women suffer.
Why do you continue to make excuses and defend this POS? (sorry... any man that abuses a woman in the way you describe is a POS in my book!). Glad you have the footage. Time to go to the police and get your rear out of there! NOW!
Positive thoughts
Iwant2bhealthy
09-03-20, 15:56
I havent called yet. I feel a bit of a fraud because it's not like he beats me up, but I do know its domestic violence. But not on the scale some women suffer.
You are not a fraud! Throwing an object at you is really no different from punching you or hitting you with a baseball bat. Please, please, please just CALL THEM NOW. I assume you are out of the house, so this is THE perfect moment to talk to them.
I know someone who was bleeding from her nose after her husband punched her, and said it still wasnt too bad because she know someone who had it worse. Think of it this way. If you have 2 starving children, and child #2 is in a slightly better state than child #1 does it mean that #2 doesnt deserve the same care and help as #1?
Save yourself. Call the number. Please. Do it now, while you still can.
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MyNameIsTerry
09-03-20, 16:07
Let them decide that. They will help in assessing risk from an objective position and thrir experience. For instance, they understand how things escalate and whilst their are women worse off how did they all start out?
I don't want to add worry for you but I think that needs to be part of your thinking. It's walls now but not many blokes get that angry they need to do that.
It could escalate and everyone here will be concerned about that. You have an avenue of escape in your parents. It may feel like moving backwards and losing at least some anxiety support but which is worse? You can work on changing your home position but this guy clearly sees nothing wrong with his behaviour.
I was once caught between the emotionally (and sexually) abusive boyfriend I was living with and my emotionally abusive parents.
I held off moving back in with them for years even though he forbade me from sleeping when he wasn't, tried to control every aspect of my life and, yes, occasionally threw things at me.
Life with my parents wasn't great (after he held me hostage for six hours when I tried to contact them to return) but it got me to a place where I was able to move on more easily. I've been married to my best friend now for over seventeen years. Love doesn't have to hurt.
Please be kind to yourself and look out for your own safety?
ankietyjoe
09-03-20, 16:26
I havent called yet. I feel a bit of a fraud because it's not like he beats me up, but I do know its domestic violence. But not on the scale some women suffer. I had to get a taxi urgently as he punched the walls, bleeding, screaming in my face saying it's my fault he didnt do well. He even hung up on the interviewer then just went ballistic. Demanded my phone off me but I said no and managed to get out. He has broken my phone once before so wasnt going to hand it over to him. I just cant believe his reaction. I recorded it all as fishman said, his screaming in the last hour. I realised how scared I am of him again. I was shaking, unable to breathe properly and flushed red, I imagine cos of my blood pressure soaring. Hes disgusting, that he can see someone hes meant to care about in that state caused by him. I did nothing but help him today and still got abuse.
I do understand how much you fear leaving, but you really need to leave before he really hurts you. It's a matter of when, not if.
Please, get out today. Can anybody help you leave today?
Thank you for these replies. I have come to my parents and arranged with my brother to collect my stuff tomorrow. I just feel so sad and lost without him. Even now I feel so upset and only left a few hours ago.
You're all right, I do genuinely think it will escalate into being hit properly. And he is a boxer and mma fighter. It would be very bad. He has done it once before, in the face, not since, but that level of rage doesn't have any boundaries I dont think. Terry, completely doesn't see any problem with his behaviour. He promised me after the black eyes he would get help from the gp and never did, and has continued to be aggressive and threatening. Says sorry the other day for the giant bruise on my leg after he hurled the Xbox controller at me. He isnt sorry, he doesn't even flinch when he sees what hes left me with. I remember my friend once told me her boyfriend slapped her in the arm and it left a mark, and how devastated he was at his actions. My partner has never shown any, and I mean any remorse for what he does. He just says ah sorry, I know I shouldn't but you do just wind me up. Then does the same again. I hope to stay strong and not go back. The problem arises when I have anxiety about my health, and my first calling point for reassurance is him, and that happens most if not every day. He knows this though, he knows I'm desperate not to be alone and he plays on knowing about my anxiety, I'm sure of that now.
I am sick now though of letting him treat me like this, and getting away with it. He is a scrounge, takes my money off me and says I dont contribute to the house. He tells me I dont help in general despite spending a lot of my time filling out job applications for him. Its just too much.
Thank you for these replies. I have come to my parents and arranged with my brother to collect my stuff tomorrow.....He is a scrounge, takes my money off me and says I dont contribute to the house.
Very glad to see you're at your parent's house. I know you're feeling a bit lost but this truly is for the best and deep down you know it.
Do you have any bank accounts together? If so, draw your money out and close the accounts. Open accounts at another bank and in the mean time change your user name and passwords just in case.
Positive thoughts
Oh love, I am so proud of you for leaving. You did the best thing for you, you are really so brave. Please call refuge anyway, I bet they’ve heard all level of abuse stories. All of us here think that it’s pretty serious even if you don’t. You deserve to hear advice from people who can really understand and help.
So pleased that you have your family to help.
Iwant2bhealthy
09-03-20, 18:55
I have come to my parents and arranged with my brother to collect my stuff tomorrow. I just feel so sad and lost without him. Even now I feel so upset and only left a few hours ago.
It is absolutely normal that you feel upset. It was a long relationship, but in the end, it got too toxic for you to stay. I think you can feel very proud that despite your anxiety you took very good care of yourself, and you took steps to save yourself. You are strong! Despite of what your anxiety might tell you.
I know I probably sound like a broken record to you, but I think you should call the helpline I mentioned before now, or just call Samaritans. Just give it a shot. If you dont like it you can always hang up. I think you need to talk to someone who understands how you feel. Maybe they will give you good tips on how to feel better in the next few days after you moved?
My partner has never shown any, and I mean any remorse for what he does. He just says ah sorry, I know I shouldn't but you do just wind me up. Then does the same again.
Typical abuser will always blame the victim. I'm glad you know you are not responsible for his actions.
I hope to stay strong and not go back. The problem arises when I have anxiety about my health, and my first calling point for reassurance is him, and that happens most if not every day.
This is a safety behaviour, and it can be replaced with a healthier attitude. Im sure of that as it's my experience speaking here. :-) In the meantime, could you explain the situation to your brother, or someone else you could temporarily lean on until you get to therapy?
And again, I am relieved that you decided to stay at your parents now. YOU DID SO WELL TODAY!!!
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I hope to stay strong and not go back. The problem arises when I have anxiety about my health, and my first calling point for reassurance is him, and that happens most if not every day.
I don't typically encourage posting for reassurance but in this case, make the forum your first call Ok? if you call him, he'll manipulate you into returning and its just too dangerous to do so.
Positive thoughts
Dying_Swan
09-03-20, 20:05
Well done for getting out. You've taken a huge step which takes an awful lot of courage. It will take more courage to stay away and not go back, and it might really help to contact Refuge and/or Women's Aid to get some ongoing support, as well as reporting it to the police. Please don't think you aren't deserving of help because others have it "worse". From what you've said, he has been repeatedly abusive and you've been through a lot. Don't be afraid to take the help that is there. You are worthy and you deserve support, whatever he might have told you. Once again, well done for getting away
MyNameIsTerry
09-03-20, 20:24
Well done! :yesyes:
I agree with above about safety behaviours. By their nature they are false friends but that's how fear works in that it builds a dependence to keep you safe. To recover you always have to address this and it's like putting your hand in a fire because your subconscious is screaming to not to do it.
It also concerns me that such an angry man is into combat sports. He has skills and the power to do some serious damage to you. He shouldn't be anywhere near such training.
ankietyjoe
09-03-20, 21:36
Massive well done, you have 100% done the right thing.
Remember this place is here to support you now, not him. NMP and your family will get you through the next couple of months.
Iwant2bhealthy
09-03-20, 23:04
And indeed, as fishmanpa mentioned, close any accounts you have together. Remotely log off of any devices you may still share with him, and change all your passwords. Just as a precaution.
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Iwant2bhealthy
10-03-20, 20:12
How are you doing today? Did you manage to ease you anxiety a little?
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Thank you guys for these messages. When I left the other day I left my phone charger and had no phone for a few days so couldnt get online. He came over yesterday to bring my charger and ended up in an altercation with my dad, who is 72, throwing a TV remote at him and charging towards him as if he was gonna hit him. I managed to pull him away and he left , but he came back later apologising and for some god unknown reason I have come back to the house with him. I am weak, I had been throwing up a lot the last few days from all the anxiety I think, and as this is a huge fear of mine, the thought of comfort has brought me back here. I do plan to leave him. I don't want this relationship anymore. But it seems I dont have the strength to do it at the moment xx
Dying_Swan
12-03-20, 10:55
Please, please get some help from Women's Aid or Refuge. There are things they can help with, like safety planning, if you don't feel ready to leave yet.
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