GP anxiety - so distraught and anxiety worsening

[DL45]

Hello all,

sorry if it is a bit long and rambling. I am typing through tears, but am desperate for some reassurance.

I will state things as they exactly are. I am an ex nurse but despite that have always had a glass half empty attitude towards myself. I've battled with a abusive first marriage, lost all self respect and self esteem, went from an attractive slim outgoing person to a massively obese person with a different husband who is kind but doesn't "get it" when I try to express my concerns, I'm not wanting to disrespect him, it is just his nature but we have a good life together. But yes, obese, no will power to try to change things, I start every week to try to lose weight, fail every week. And so on so forth. I look old, fat, ugly and truly hate myself for becoming somebody I don't recognise.

I know this sounds stupid as an ex nurse, but I have only ever trusted 2 GPs in my life. One died and then his replacement came 13yrs ago or so and has been fabulous for me, somebody I have been able to speak to honestly, openly and frankly. He had my total trust. But in spite of all of this it has taken me months, literally, to pick up the courage to go to see him. And I have nearly always cried so high is my anxiety when I have seen him, but if he has told me I am OK, I have been able to believe him. On one occasion I saw a different GP, simply because they had re-jiggled appts as mine had been delayed somewhere. I lost all of my confidence all over again - I asked him did he think I could have cancer - his answer was "yes, no".....I asked if he thought my eyes looked yellow, he answered "yes, no...." so when I got to see my own GP again, he answered me directly and I believed him.

I am terrified that I am going to die. Terrified.

I have felt unwell for months now, lots of different things, some of which I can attribute directly to my HA, but some which are causing me direct stress. I think I have an immune autoimmune issue from some symptoms I have been having for some months, but kept putting off going to see my GP to discuss them, and either get some reassurance or follow his directions knowing I had confidence in him and he would look after me if my fears were correct. But this last week or so I have had new symptoms which include the most dreadful nausea, wooshes of dizziness, feeling faint, feeling slightly alien to my own body as if I am looking through layers of cotton wool. I think I look very pale, even my gums and my feet. I have a really sore right ear but that only started in the last 24hrs or so and I think it is because I have an ulcer on my gum at the joint.

But it has taken me so long to get the courage to ring to make an appointment, so I have rung up today, asked for an appointment with my usual GP to be told that he has left the practice. I have been given an appointment with the yes no GP, whom my husband sees and says is OK, but it has absolutely heightened my already overloaded HA, I have not been able to stop crying. I need to go and see him because I can't carry on thinking I am going to be dead within weeks, no point in planning anything or looking forward to anything - or even trying to lose weight. And at least he probably won't be surprised when I cry throughout my appointment, and I don't have to go over and explain everything all over again to him, but how do I deal with the issue of not being able to trust him, to put my trust in him, to have confidence in him?

I am sorry to have rambled and you probably think I am a very silly old woman. But I feel so distraught at the thought of my GP having left and not being able to trust anybody else. And I am fed up of feeling ill. Totally fed up of looking at myself and being worried about what I see staring back at me. Driving and studying my hands - they look white. Looking at my feet - they look totally white. Seeing my reflection and looking white.

Has anybody had their HA increased by lack of confidence in their GP and how do you over come it please?

thank you x

[BlueIris]

Ohhh, you poor thing!

I'm also phobic about the GP, to the extent that I've let fractures go untreated and neglected a minor skin cancer for half a decade. For what it's worth, I'm massively obese, too, although I've never been either slim or outgoing.

The bad news is, the only way out is through. I can tell you how I (sort of, partly) fixed things, if that helps. You need to find another GP, but you need to accept that it'll take a while before you find somebody you click with. When I finally joined our local GP after not having sought medical assistance in 12 years, I met a lot of okay GPs who still left me feeling twitchy and nervous. I tried a different one each time until (by chance) I met a truly lovely lady who listened to what I was saying, paid attention and realised that my mental health issues didn't make me stupid or oblivious. These days, I'm happy to wait six weeks for an appointment with her in all but the most urgent situations.

I don't think you're silly, and it was heartbreaking to hear your story. Please feel free to message me? I think we have a lot in common; I've been in an abusive relationship too. Hopefully we can help one another through this.

[DL45]

Blue Iris, thank you so much for your lovely reply! I too neglected skin cancer for years, thankfully that battle was won. That is another thing that I have now that I need to ask him about but it is like going with a series of bullet points because I have ignored so many things for so long that I now need to address my concerns. I also worry about skin cancer on my back - you can't inspect your back, I think it should be compulsory to have to lift your top up once a year and let your GP just quickly check your back!

I don't think I have the time to work through GPs. Because I worked in the area I also am likely to bump into people I have worked with - when I did go to see yes no, when I walked in he had 2 junior doctors in with him, both of whom I was working with at the time, that I had to ask to leave because I didn't want them to see me as a whimpering anxious mess, just the confident experienced person they worked with. And I worry that by the time I found a GP like your lady - who sounds like my last GP, who never judged me, but would ask just the right things that made me know he understood, he had taken notice and taken into account, my HA. When my Dad died (it had been a very difficult relationship and we hadn't seen each other for years), he did 121 counselling with me as his last appointment every week for months, because he said it would be better for me than to learn to accept somebody new before I was able to speak to them. My worry is by the time I find somebody like that I will be dead.

I am going to close for the minute, I can barely see and can't swallow for all the snot in my throat from sobbing, like a baby sobbing. I thank you for your kind words and I will message you, thank you x

[Scass]

I don’t think you’re silly, not that it matters what I think. I felt so sad reading your post though, like I just want to give you a hug.

Could you either take someone with you to see the GP and help you through the appointment, or write it down and show it to him?

Or yes, try and find a new one - but that’ll take time, and I think if you keep putting it off you’ll feel worse.

[DL45]

Thank you Scass......I appreciate the offer of a hug! I could take my husband but like I say he just doesn't "get it". I don't feel I have time to find a new one - because it takes me so long to build up to picking the phone up and making an appointment, it could take me years!

thank you x

[Scass]

Thank you Scass......I appreciate the offer of a hug! I could take my husband but like I say he just doesn't "get it". I don't feel I have time to find a new one - because it takes me so long to build up to picking the phone up and making an appointment, it could take me years!

thank you x

I thought you’d written that you don’t have time to get a new husband then [emoji23]

My partner doesn’t really get it either. He’s brilliant at being rational when I need him to. I took him to a scary appointment with me once. He heard all the right, positive things that the consultant said and I just heard something completely different!

Good luck with your appointment, we are here to talk about it or anything else.

[pulisa]

Could you just go to the yes no doctor and take a written list of bullet points that you want addressing ie you have x y and z symptoms and you fear you are ill and need his professional opinion? This way you wouldn't have to talk-you could just let him read what you have written and form his own conclusions?

This doctor may not have your previous one's bedside manner but as long as he's efficient it's better than putting it off and ruminating?

[DL45]

Could you just go to the yes no doctor and take a written list of bullet points that you want addressing ie you have x y and z symptoms and you fear you are ill and need his professional opinion? This way you wouldn't have to talk-you could just let him read what you have written and form his own conclusions?

This doctor may not have your previous one's bedside manner but as long as he's efficient it's better than putting it off and ruminating?

That is the sensible approach, and thank you pulisa, it makes perfect sense. I have thought of that.......but because I spend so long building up to going the list would be huge, and I mean huge. For example, I pinched a nerve in my neck at the beginning of Sept. Saw a GP with no worries because I knew what had happened, needed analgesia prescription. I have been privately for physio rather than wait but gave it up in January but carried on doing the exercises, but still have numbness to the tips of all of my fingers. So I want to ask him about that, but then I have read that this can also be an auto immune issue, it could be a sign my liver is in dire straits.....so writing the symptom down doesn't allow me to express my worries. I have other symptoms that could also fit into AI issues, I have other symptoms that don't, and I have random things - like a change in skin mark, something that feels like a lump by my armpit but could be a lymph node, this damned ear pain, the discolouration to the rim of my irises,.......

I truly believe I need to have about 3 different appointments and work through 1 group of what I think are related at each appointment, I have put it off for such a long time I feel like once I start I won't stop and within that 10 minutes I can only get through a couple of things, and that when I walk away I will worry enormously about the things that I haven't had chance to speak to him about, and then they will play on my silly silly mind and exacerbate.

[Scass]

Book 2 appointment slots, take the list of bullet points.

You are never the only one with these problems. Also, this doctor may pleasantly surprise you!

[BlueIris]

Just a thought: does your GP offer walk-in appointments? I know some do - mine does - and it's a really great way not to have to deal with the worry of waiting.

[DL45]

That would put my appointment back again, and my concern is that I will then have time to begin to "feel better" without healing inside, put it off and then start the whole cycle again. I have taken such a big step to ring yesterday.
Thank you Scass - hope the sun is shining wherever you are today and you are having a good day x

[DL45]

Not that I am aware of, but I will ask when I see him. I have to allow myself to put down some barriers here and go in to see this chap with an open mind. I just don't know where to start though. today I have only been to the post office then come back home and gone back to bed - useless though because I then have to get up for a wee lol - just because I felt so weak, wobbly and unwell.

I am going to walk the dog to the post box and back, its not far but I hope the fresh air and sunshine will make me feel a bit brighter, its going to be a long miserable day otherwise. Hope you are having a good day BlueIris x