Getting older 👵🏻

[cry]

Unfortunately my HA has reared its head again this year after I’ve suffered from a virus for two months, I had to take time off work and this left with too much time to think which has left me with existential related depressive thoughts.

In a way, I prefer the health anxiety (although would obviously rather have neither) as with that I at least feel something, lately I’ve just been feeling numb. I just can’t stop thinking about how fast time goes - I can’t believe I’m going to be 30 in two years, and I can’t believe how fast the ten years have gone since I turned 18. I just think about how fast the rest of my life will go (however long that is) and the fact we won’t exist any more once we die. I think about not being able to see my husband, family or friends again and am almost in tears.

My questions are, do you get less fearful of death as you get older? And do feelings like this pass as you get older? Has anyone had any therapy or counselling to deal with these thoughts, and did it work? And does anyone have any tips to overcome them?

When I feel “normal” or as close to normal as I ever can feel 😆 I can rationalise and know we only get one life and we just need to fill it with as many happy memories as we can and do things we enjoy, but when I feel like this I just can’t think of anything else. I look at other people and feel so jealous they can just live normal happy lives and not think such horrid thoughts ☹️

[pav1984]

I reckon mindfulness would be useful to you. Basically it involves living in the present moment rather than past or future. Also encourages acceptance. My advice is to enjoy today rather than worry about tomorrow. Easier said than done and requires practice. Something it slip up on fro. Time to time

[MothFir]

I look at other people and feel so jealous they can just live normal happy lives and not think such horrid thoughts ☹️

Rest assured that there are a lot of people of all philosophies and backgrounds, both now and throughout human history, who are bothered by the same thoughts. I'm 45 and had a similar slump around the time I turned 30. It occurred to me that everything I would do in my 20s had been done, and I felt like the whole decade was a blur. I think part of this is due to the structure we have in our early lives -- we go through distinct grades in school, then distinct grades in college, all with milestones along the way (getting old enough to vote, old enough to drive, etc). Then after our education there's not so much to distinguish one year from the next, and it can feel like time is passing with no real progress. When I really think about the last five or ten years, though, I can see real change and progress, and I'm surprised by how much I've done and experienced, and how my thinking has grown. (For me, keeping a journal helps prevent everything from running together.)

I still go through periods of hours or days where I feel like everything is meaningless, but I usually come out of it fairly quickly. A big help for me has been my faith, which is essentially a contemplative/social-justice Christianity. I don't mean to push religion on anyone, but I can't relate my experience without mentioning it. It's easy to look at humanity and see us as just another species living, dying, fighting, eating, reproducing, acting and reacting, doing the same things for millennia with no rhyme or reason. But then I look at art and music, stories of grace and compassion, scientific insight into other dimensions and universes, and I have to conclude that we are part of a bigger picture, that the physical world is not the whole story, and that there is existence after physical death. On a day-to-day level, I find that practicing the behaviors most religions teach (service to others, appreciation for the life one has, contemplation of the big picture) is a good way to stave off existential worries.

You might benefit from talking to a therapist or counselor if you can't shake these feelings on your own. Talking has helped me at times. In the end, though, I think actions and lifestyle changes have been more beneficial. I'm fortunate enough to have a job I think is meaningful, but I'm fairly introverted and don't like too many changes to my routine. When I feel like I'm getting numb to life, I volunteer with some project that helps other people or the environment, take a trip to some place I've always wanted to visit, or find new activities to do with my wife and daughter. I almost never want to initiate these things because they shake up the status quo, but afterwards I'm almost always left with a renewed sense of meaning, purpose, and connection to my fellow humans. (As psychologist Susan David famously said, "Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.") Your personality and actions may be different, but I do believe that anything that pushes one beyond one's comfort zone is key to growth and purpose.

One more thing that's changed my thinking: when I turned 30 I started dreading birthdays ("another year older!!"), but as time went by I became aware of people my age who had died of one health problem or another. Previously, people my age died mainly in accidents, usually due to reckless behavior that I thought I could avoid (though in hindsight, I did some pretty stupid things...). I thought how tragic it was that so-and-so had lived only to 33, or 36, or whatever. Now when I have a birthday I'm thankful -- I know my life won't tragically end at 44, because I'm now 45! I hope this doesn't trigger any more health anxiety for you, because most of us will live to a ripe old age. But realizing that life on this earth is not guaranteed has made me appreciate what I have, and when I get haunted by existential angst, I am motivated to snap out of it before it ruins the time I'm here.

I don't think you should worry that your current numbness will last forever. On one level, be glad that you are having these feelings now, while you are young and able to make whatever changes you need to make. A lot of people seem to just skate through life, going from one distraction to another, without ever really wondering why they're here. I hope you're able to find some peace and meaning soon.

[cry]

Thanks very much for your replies 😊

I have thought about mindfulness, so will look into that pav1984.

Mothfir - thanks so much for that long post, it’s really helped. It was really kind of you 😊

I’d never thought about how we have more structure when we’re younger, but this makes sense why it seems to go so fast. I also know - for me anyway - that since finishing university my life couldn’t be any better, so I guess that it’s true that time flies when you’re having fun (even if you do sometimes have anxiety!).

I’m not religious but can see how it would offer comfort to people, so see how it can help you.

I’ve just emailed my local counselling service to enquire, as I had been thinking about doing this for a while for my health anxiety. I’ve been going to the gym more and trying to do more - mainly so I have less time to sit and think morbid thoughts! I do feel slightly better the last few days compared with earlier in the week.

Thanks again for your reply - it’s really helped me get some perspective 😊

[MothFir]

I'm glad it helped! Also glad that you are feeling a little better and looking into counseling. Best wishes!

[ToasterOvens]

If it helps at all... I just turned 30 this year.

My family and wife make it worthwhile to wake up every morning. My dogs make me happy to wake up. I get that slump sometimes, but they're always there for me.

Some people don't have that support system which I understand. Dedicating yourself to a hobby can be amazing to make yourself feel good. I craft beer and love to wash my truck.

I also decided to go to the gym and I'm healthier than I was in my 20's. That helped a lot.

As a 30 year old, I feel the same way about my 20's, but its just a series of snapshots in my memory. Feels like it went fast. It did not. College dragged.

Lol... I'm talking like I'm like 90. We're all pretty young still. I mean the "young adult" classification is like 20-39.