Getting weird feelings about husband's relationship to his sister

[Sunflower318]

Idk how to word this. My husband has a half sister. Same mom,different dad. Shes been going through a divorce and got back with her husband. They talk and text all the time. He got her a job with him and he gets mad when shes not with him. She comes to our house and rides to work with him which really doesn't save her much drive time. Hes constantly talking about how hard she works and how well shes doing at her job. He gets mad that's she flirts with every guy she sees. He talks to her more then he does me. I'm getting really weirded out by how close they are. Its beyond protective big brother. I almost thing hes in love with her. And idk if I should straight up ask him what's going on. He tells her everything that goes on in our marriage. I really dont want to think hes cheating on me. I dont think hed actually sleep with her but I feel like hes emotionally cheating with her. What makes it worse is that it's his sister!! Me and his family dont get along well and shes the only one I talk to. Him and I have been going to counseling because we argue over his family so I feel like if I bring it up it's going to really piss him off. I dont know what to do. To make it even harder, she has told me that she thinks hes good looking and attractive. Who says that about their brother??

[WiseMonkey]

Some individual counselling for yourself would be helpful, so you can get some professional advice on this matter.
I've come across this before with a full brother and sister, the brother's wife was really suspicious too. The sister was a friend of mine and when her marriage broke down, she was in touch with her brother a lot of the time! Neither the brother or sister had very good boundaries, I knew them both and broke off my friendship with her when she went after my ex-husband! Even though my ex and I were separated at the time, it seemed way too weird to me, it's something I wouldn't have done to her.

Both the brother and sister had cheated on their spouses (with other people) and the sister had lots of hook-ups after her marriage broke down. Their family of origin had some weird dynamics to it.

I'm not saying this is your situation but it's good that you are aware, take care x

[Sunflower318]

Well I stay at home with the kids and he says he doesnt want me to work and he likes me home but he cant stop praising his sister for working so hard. She wears super low cut shirts around him and my kids and sometimes no bra at all. Super short shorts. Like it's not far fetched to call her a whore. Shes married but flirts with other guys and has slept with other men/woman when her and her husband were having hard times. I wouldnt doubt her having some STDs. Then I worry about like what if they are doing things? Like wtf!!! She switched her work schedule so that she could work with him. I'm not looking for these things they are right there in my face. I'm going to call my counselor tomorrow and ask her what she thinks I should do. Even if nothing is happening its s an odd relationship they have. They are way to close and hea way to protective over her. Keep in mind hes 36 and shes 28. So it's not like shes new to doing things herself.

[WiseMonkey]

Well I stay at home with the kids and he says he doesnt want me to work and he likes me home but he cant stop praising his sister for working so hard. She wears super low cut shirts around him and my kids and sometimes no bra at all. Super short shorts. Like it's not far fetched to call her a whore. Shes married but flirts with other guys and has slept with other men/woman when her and her husband were having hard times. I wouldnt doubt her having some STDs. Then I worry about like what if they are doing things? Like wtf!!! She switched her work schedule so that she could work with him. I'm not looking for these things they are right there in my face. I'm going to call my counselor tomorrow and ask her what she thinks I should do. Even if nothing is happening its s an odd relationship they have. They are way to close and hea way to protective over her. Keep in mind hes 36 and shes 28. So it's not like shes new to doing things herself.

Yep, get an appointment with your counselor and look at options. Your husband and especially his sister are looking for attention, she sounds very immature and I'd say her recent separation from her husband reflects this, he likely knew what she'd been up too!

My friend was in her late 30 and her brother mid 40's at the time so age has very little to do with it. It will interesting to know what your councilor suggests.

[Sunflower318]

I was raised to always be modest. Like I saw my mom without a bra at nightime/morning but she still wore a tshirt. I NEVER went around my dad without a bra. Even as a teenager. He tells at me and my sister if we wear yoga pants lol. I never go out in public braless. To see a 28 year old woman go blatantly braless in front of your husband is disrespectful. Not even to mention the fact shes blood related.

[Sunflower318]

My husband is very christian and I dont really think he would physically cheat. But I'm beginning to have doubts based on how much they talk and how much he brags about how awesome she is. He makes me feel inferior to her.

[BlueIris]

Sunflower, I know it's a different dynamic but how does wearing revealing clothes make your sister in law a sex worker? I understand that you're feeling nervous but you're making a lot of very ugly judgements here.

Maybe, just maybe, she acts up because she's had a tough time in life. Maybe she was unfaithful because her previous marriage was unbearable and she was desperate for a little positive attention. And maybe, just maybe, that's why your other half is so protective of her and why she praises him for this.

It's tough enough to be a woman in this world without other women trying to drag you down and making ugly value judgements on your (collective you) dress sense.

Don't let your anxiety make you into somebody you're not. Fear can twist into anger so easily, but it's a harsh world and we need to stay kind.

[lebonvin]

Hi Sunny

I know where you'd coming from but the chances are there's nowt going on between them.

I had a lovely sis I was real close to who passed away well before her time. My partner of the time was real suspicious there was weird shit goin on but that was his anxiety talkin.

I think that gotta be a problem all over the world, a spouse being jealous a bit of own spouse's sis or bro. If say it's normal reaction.

So I'd try not to think too much about it, your husband just beIN a bit of a jerk

Charlie

[lebonvin]

Hi Sunny again

Sorry about my poor English but I just remembered the words I wanted to use

it's called bias confirmation. its when yous get an idea in your head what is actually wrong but it make you fit other bits of information into the wrong idea. I see it with folk all the time, getting the wrong fixed idea in your head can be really hard to get rid of.

Like anything, just let time pass, you'll be fine.

Hope this helps even if only a tiny bit

Charlie

[Midnight-mouse]

Just to offer another perspective, I have a male friend very close to my age. I’ve known him 10+ years and he is like my brother.

I would say my relationship with him is much the same as your husband and his sister and we’re not even related by blood!
We’ve shared the same bed on multiple occasions while we’ve both been in committed relationships and I wouldn’t/don’t think twice about what I’m wearing around him.
I’d quite happily, and have on more than one occasion been topless/in my underwear changing clothes in front of him. I think it’s honestly that I know there’s never been/going to be anything sexual between us so why would it even cross my mind? I know it doesn’t his, he doesn’t look at me that way and I very much doubt that your husband does his sister either!

My friend is very protective over me, he would be angry if I were flirting with everyone too. He certainly was when I was single, it’s just because he wants the best for me!

Now as to being braless, just because it’s not something you are used to seeing or doing, that doesn’t mean that it’s a bad or provocative way to be dressed. I certainly wouldn’t find it disrespectful regardless of someone’s marital status, I hate the things and only wear them if I absolutely must. So you can be darn sure that my friend has seen me braless as has his wife. I also don’t wear them at home so I’m around my father too, it’s a matter of personal choice and I don’t think it’s fair at all to judge someone by it!

As for low cut tops and sleeping around, that’s her choice and far from anyone else’s place to judge her.

Having sex outside of the marriage is between her, and her ex/husband. It most certainly does not make her a sex worker with sexually transmitted diseases! In fact having multiple partners in normal safe situations does very little to raise ones chance of catching STI/Ds if everyone’s being responsible about safe sex and their sexual health. In fact if I were to wish to sleep with another man or woman it would be between my husband and I and the dynamic of our relationship but it certainly doesn’t make me a sex worker (I refuse to use the term you did, it’s derogatory) we as women should be lifting each other up not tearing down for the enjoyment of sex.

Positive vibes,

Mouse.


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[Sunflower318]

She sleeps and flirts with anyone that says her name. I've seen her come onto people just cause she likes their eyes. Marriage is not something that is sacred to her. I might be over reacting but I dont like how close he is with her. Hes more protective over her then his own daughter.

[BlueIris]

Have you talked to her at all, found out if she's okay?

Other than this, how's your own mental state right now? Accusing others of incest maybe suggests to me that you need to take some time and think about your own wants and needs - I know that when I act irrationally, I need to acknowledge the feelings behind it and then look at what I can do to make myself feel better.

[Sunflower318]

I'm going to ask my therapist what I should do. She knows how screwed up my husband's side of the family is. I have always had confidence that my husband is faithful and I've always trusted him around other woman. But I feel like she is basically throwing herself at him. Regardless of the fact how he feels about her and their relationship, I dont like how she comes around my 10 year old dressed. I try to teach her to cover up and then her aunt comes around showing all her goods.

[BlueIris]

Why would she want to sleep with her brother, though?

[Midnight-mouse]

She sleeps and flirts with anyone that says her name. I've seen her come onto people just cause she likes their eyes. Marriage is not something that is sacred to her. I might be over reacting but I dont like how close he is with her. Hes more protective over her then his own daughter.

Marriage isn’t ‘sacred’ to me either, doesn’t mean that I would want to sleep with a blood relative, no matter how close of a relationship I have with them.

Perhaps your husband sees her as more vulnerable and in need of more protection, especially as your daughter has the both of you. Who has his sisters back if not him? It’s my understanding that’s how close family behave (taking care of each other and looking out for one and other)

Please remember you can’t control how close he is with other people, that’s his business and frankly none of your concern even as his wife, the rest comes down to trust.


I'm going to ask my therapist what I should do. She knows how screwed up my husband's side of the family is. I have always had confidence that my husband is faithful and I've always trusted him around other woman. But I feel like she is basically throwing herself at him. Regardless of the fact how he feels about her and their relationship, I dont like how she comes around my 10 year old dressed. I try to teach her to cover up and then her aunt comes around showing all her goods.

What makes you think that even if she were flirting with him that he would WANT to sleep with his own sister? Incest really isn’t a turn on in the real world to most people, especially if they grew up together.

It’s certainly not the case that a man can’t control himself around a woman, even if she were ‘throwing herself at him’ he would still have to want to engage in sexual activities with her.

There’s also a lot to be said about not sexualising someone’s body for the way they are dressed. Showing skin is not innately provocative, or sexual.

As much as there’s a factor of a child dressing appropriately for their age often their own safety, there’s also a line that can be crossed in making a person feel ashamed of their body feeling that it must be covered. Having other female influences in her life that have confidence in their bodies can be very powerful in a young woman’s life. It’s definitely something I would have benefited from growing up. Of course as her mother you have the right to control what influences there are around your daughter, but I would argue that a woman being comfortable in her body isn’t the worst thing for a girl to grow up seeing.


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[BlueIris]

Once again, Mouse has it on the nose. Our bodies aren't anything to be ashamed of, and while of course children should dress appropriately for their age, their aunt is a grown adult.

Linking dress sense - or any other aspect of appearance - to morality is dubious at best; I think you need to separate your feelings of being threatened from any wrongdoing that is (or likely isn't) taking place.