need to get this of my chest!!

[eddypfunk]

Hi

I have suffered from panic attacks on and off for a few years and have them mostly under control.

I recently got a new girlfriend, someone who i used to work with, who suffers from anxiety. When we first hooked up she told me she was living in london it then transpired that she had been living in scotland with her parents. I thought she had been made redundant while we were seeing each other - she spun me a fairly complicated yarn - but i turned out she had been fired in february - she claims because of her anxiety - which i am prepared to believe. When she was 'made redundant' i suggested she come and stay with me in another part of the country - which she has done. She sort of got a new job sorted through an old school friend but she missed the first day, claiming id been in a car accident which wasnt true, missed her train the next day and turned up for half a day, attended a meeting the next day and was apparently rude to her boss and that was the end of that!!

Since then she has barely left my house - over 6 weeks. She can make it to the corner shop to get cigarettes and alcohol but thats it. Im worried about her as she doesnt really eat and lives on cigarettes and alcohol. I think understandably i get frustrated and angry and we have arguments. I see no end to it. I wouldnt mind but she complains about doing any house work or helping me do anything - ring the gas board etc, pay a bill. She has given me some money and has bought shopping - she got some money from her parents so doesnt need to work.

when we argue inevitably her anxiety comes up and how i am making her anxiety worse. she refuses to do anything about it - doctor, therapist because she doesnt want to admit it to herself.

She is mentally ill and most of it is, in my opinion, as a result of her lifestyle - no wonder she feels anxious - booze, fags, a small amount of junk food and no exercise.

Im at my wits end. I have a job, mortgage, i like to get out yet also have a history of panic.

If i say anything then i am causing arguments - she refuses to admit the situation is bad and picks on my insecurities to defend herself.

I just dont what to do - my friends say i should kick her out. if i do she'll go back to her parents or freeload elsewhere.

any ideas of how to cope with someone like this?

[bottleblond]

Hiya mate,

Look i have to be honest with you here, if you were a female and you were putting up with this from a bloke, i'd have to tell you dump the him. I'm afraid my opinion doesn't change because the rolls have been reversed here.

My advice would be to have another chat and lay your cards on the table, tell her if she doesn't at least show signs of TRYING to change her lifestyle then you are going to have to ask her to leave. maybe give her a certain amout of time in which to make certain changes, that way she know you are willing to stand by her, but if things don't improve mate that your just going to be dragged down too.

Sorry about sounding so harsh but she can't blame her anxiety on living like a down and out,

best of luck toots

Love Lisa
xxxx

[Alabasterlyn]

Hi Eddy

First of all can I say well done for getting your own anxiety under control.

From your post it really does sound like you have done everything you can to help your girlfriend, but for whatever reasons she won’t accept her condition and is in fact doing everything she can to make it worse.

Until she accepts she has a problem and seeks help I can’t see that your relationship has any future. She is obviously self medicating and not looking after herself, but that is her responsibility, not yours.

If you kick her out and she goes back to her parents or freeloads elsewhere then so be it. I think you also have to think about your own emotional wellbeing here. You have had anxiety in the past and it’s important that you take care of yourself to make sure it stays in the past.

I really hope you manage to get things sorted out :hugs:

[samc100]

Eddy - sorry but I agree with the others. She doesn't appear to making any effort for herself or for you. Seems a very one sided relationship and only you are making any emotional investment in it. For her - you are a damn good ride - accommodation, no need to get a job and freedom.

She seems to be on the self -destruct road and I don't think you should be with her for the journey for your own sake. Can you contact her parents and have a chat with them? Did she leave them on good terms?

[eddypfunk]

Eddy - sorry but I agree with the others. She doesn't appear to making any effort for herself or for you. Seems a very one sided relationship and only you are making any emotional investment in it. For her - you are a damn good ride - accommodation, no need to get a job and freedom.

She seems to be on the self -destruct road and I don't think you should be with her for the journey for your own sake. Can you contact her parents and have a chat with them? Did she leave them on good terms?


yes she left on good terms - ive thought about contacting them but that seems quite serious..although i would like to talk to them i havent met them yet. I dont think they help by throwing money at her. she hasnt got masses but enough to keep her going on booze and fags for a year or so. I dont know what they'd say - i think theyve spoilt her rotten - she's barely capable of rolling her own cigarettes which ive put a stop to doing for her. If i force her to do things then she can do them but she claims that she can't do anything. The thing that really annoys me is that she doesnt seem unhappy - not that i want her to be unhappy. She chats alot to her friends on facebook and email, its just that she seems to have got to 32 without any concept of the real world. Im unhappy because i have to go to work take on the responsibility that comes with adulthood - which i dont mind - to come home to someone who's either asleep, drinking, watching utter cr*p on the tv or listening to music that i dont like - very loudly. If i want to watch something on TV then its 'ed's world' and im the selfish one who just doesnt know how to live with people. I had a wonderful lodger before she moved in and we dovetailed perfectly - i would do things for her, and her for me. I seriously am not a selfish person - i wouldnt have asked her to move in. I think her cheekyness has got her everywhere in the past, people seem to warm to that sort of thing in short doses but daily its really just p*ss taking...sorry to ramble i just need to get this out, thank you so much for replying.

xx

[samc100]

She's taking the rip Eddy. Sorry but she it.
There are some people in life who are natural Takers. They give back very little but make you feel damn guilty if you don't play their game.

I know it's hard and very painful but before you explode please think what you want out of a relationship and if this relationship can not meet over 3/4's of the requirements then you know what you have to do.... you can't be a doormat to her selfish childlike ways.

She's sounds like a little madam who survives with her cuteness and giggles. Won't be attractive when she's 50 !

Sorry - I sound very harsh. She has problems obviously but she needs to be willing to sort them out and not bleed you dry and take advantage of your good nature. Ooops sounding harsh again.

[eddypfunk]

She's taking the rip Eddy. Sorry but she it.
There are some people in life who are natural Takers. They give back very little but make you feel damn guilty if you don't play their game.

I know it's hard and very painful but before you explode please think what you want out of a relationship and if this relationship can not meet over 3/4's of the requirements then you know what you have to do.... you can't be a doormat to her selfish childlike ways.

She's sounds like a little madam who survives with her cuteness and giggles. Won't be attractive when she's 50 !

Sorry - I sound very harsh. She has problems obviously but she needs to be willing to sort them out and not bleed you dry and take advantage of your good nature. Ooops sounding harsh again.

no thats what i want - some harsh words, everyone has doubts about what they think especially if someone is telling you that its you thats got the problem. we had a wonderful email courtship - some of which i subsequently found to be a lie - i met her for the weekend and fell in love with her but since that its just been one thing after another - i could go on all day with things that i think are unreasonable in her. its hard when you really pinned your hopes on someone you thought you knew - i did work with her for over a year. thanks alot for your time sam, its much appreciated.