Guilt

[GemmaAnn]

So I just got back from seeing my councellor and we talked about my need to help everyone all the time and my guilt if I dont manage to do so.

Its like Iv got an antenna (her words not mine!) that can detect just how my family is feeling, all the tension and the stress that seems to be around. It makes me want to help and make things right and obviously I cant do that all the time, or even most of the time! She thinks that I feel so anxious because of this and I feel like I need to be doing everything right in my life so my family are proud of me, and therefore I feel good and they feel good. :shrug:

We also addressed how much guilt I feel all the time, because of things that are out of my control. Like I feel guilty i didnt visit my uncle (who died suddenly a year ago :weep: ) that much because he had no family, and I feel guilty I dont go and visit his grave because it upsets me too much. I feel guilty if i go out at night without my boyfriend because I think he will be lonley, even though I know hes not!

I guess im writing this to try to make sense of it myself, but also to see if anyone else has this problem. I know that the councellor suggested it and I didnt realise it myself, but it makes a lot of sense to me that this is what im doing. Is there any way to stop??
Thanks, Gem xxx

[groovygranny]

Hello Gem,

If you carry on trying to be 'everything to everybody' then in the end you'll be 'no good to anybody' !!

I'm still learning how to do this - and it's damn difficult!

When you've been so used to putting everyone else before yourself it seems very selfish to put yourself first.

But, it's important that we do - we have to 'look after number one' sometimes.....a dear friend told me that only yesterday.

So, that's what you gotta do gal!

If you want to be of help and benefit to your family - you got to learn how to say 'no' sometimes and put yourself at the front of the queue! It aint easy, but it's gotta be done!

big hugs for you

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

:flowers:

[Bill]

I'm not sure I should say this but in my experience the people who are hardest on themselves or feel guilt towards others are the most loveliest and most caring people I've ever known so I could never knock them for being like that.:hugs:

I just find it SO sad that they should think so little of themselves and beat themselves up when they are Really lovely people and should feel So proud to be so caring.:hugs:

I agree we should all think of ourselves more to prevent anxiety but some people go to the opposite extreme and Only think of themselves. I know who I'd rather know!:winks:

It's a question of balance and learning not to feel guilty when you either can't do anything about the situation or when you know the other person is fine but Never stop caring.:winks:

[GemmaAnn]

Thanks for your replies guys :)

I read those articles, and definatly some of it rings true, which is a little scary as it shows me how far I have to go!
like Bill said I think the hard part is going to be striking a balance between putting myself 1st and thinking of others :huh:

I really dont know where to start :wacko: its really quite difficult to break the habit of a lifetime!
I proved this just yesterday (even after posting and supposedly realising what I was doing wrong) when my sister phoned because she was upset and asked to tag along on a trip I had planned with my boyfriend who I havent been able to spend time with in ages. I said yes because I would have felt bad and guilty if I said no, and also because I thought it would make my parents happy as opposed to thinking bad of me because I said no.

Im 20, why do I still want to please my parents :shrug:

[groovygranny]

Because that's what you've become used to doing GemmaAnn - and that's what you have grown up thinking you have to do.

I did that - and it wasn't until I became ill and saw my counsellor that I realised it. I am only now beginning to feel like a grown-up....and I'm nearly 53.

Don't leave it as late as I did love - start now. Start with a little thing like saying "no, I'm sorry but I can't call around/phone today because I have something else on, but maybe we could get together later?". By doing this you're taking control of the situation and still helping out!

It really does get easier the more you do it, but we may never be quite at ease with it because it goes against the grain so much. But it has to be done if we are to move forward.

More hugs

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

:flowers:

[Bill]

Hi Gem,

I went out to do some things I wanted to do today but enroute I popped in to see my mother. She was having a bad day, under the weather, low and with tears in her eyes. Should I have stayed with her because she was low? Should I have given up on what I wanted to do? Would I have felt guilt if I left her?

Turning it round to look at it from another angle - would she have felt guilt Knowing I'd given up what I wanted to do to stay with her? SHE'D have felt guilt.

So the balance was I make sure she's ok, carry on with what I want to do and check on her later.

If you said to your sister "Well, I'd planned to be with my b'f", would she have felt any guilt intruding? If not, then nor should you for refusing. As groovygranny said, there's always another time when it's convenient for You.

It matters to us what our parents think because we don't want them thinking bad of us because we don't think highly of ourselves anyway. Low self esteem.

Where you can help others, help them but fit it around "you" and what "you" want to do. Another caring person such as yourself would also feel guilty if they thought they were putting you out just as my mother would have with me. :winks: