Coronavirus dilemna

[atudders]

I'm looking for some help with a decision I'm trying to make.

My father who is 89 has contracted coronavirus in hospital whilst recovering from a hip operation and we have been told that he is too weak following major surgery to fight the virus and is expected to pass away in the next few days.

I am 59 with no underlying health conditions and care for my mother at home who is currently end of life.

The hospital are allowing one relative to visit whilst informing you of the risks and I saw him yesterday on a coronavirus ward of six people and wore mask, apron gloves.

My instinct is to keep visiting as I don't want him to be alone but my brother thinks I am absolutely barmy and should not be exposing myself to the risk.

I would really appreciate some objective advice as I'm completely torn about whay to do.

Alison

[Gary A]

First of all, my deepest condolences, that must be an awful position to be in.

I can only speak for myself on this, but personally, you couldn’t keep me away. I understand your brothers point of view but again, speaking only for myself, they would have to barricade the ward to keep me out.

Your situation is personal to you, though, so no matter what anyone tells you I think you really need to do what your own heart tells you to.

[venusbluejeans]

So sorry you are going through this :(

first of all like Gary let me offer my condolences to what you are facing and second I agree, go with yout heart, do what you need to do at this time for your own mental health and for your dad. .

I am sure you know in your heart what both you and your father would want you to do at this point (not that any of this is a 'normal' situation to be in) go with your gut.... it doesn't matter what your brother thinks it is completely up to you to do what you are comfortable with doing.

I think I would also be there for your dad BUT you never know what you would do and feel until the situation arose..... and sadly for you you are facing that choice. I send you love and good wishes and my thoughts are with you while you make these tough choices

With Love
Emmz (NMP Admin)

[atudders]

It is pretty tough at the moment but thank you so much for your reply.

The Ward Manager who made the decision to allow one visitor used exactly the same words. She said she tries to put herself in the position of family when she makes her decisions and that she would break down a barricade if it was her parent.

I think my brother may be frightened of losing me as well but I have to live with whatever decision I make.

Once again many thanks.

[glassgirlw]

I’m so sorry you are faced with this decision. Heart breaks for you. I don’t have any great advice for you, I’m honestly not sure what I would do in your position - it’s just horribly sad all around. My thoughts and prayers are with you and please come on here anytime you feel like you need a chat.

[venusbluejeans]

Definitely, after losing a parent I know what thoughts go round in your head about the 'what if's' and 'should I have done' .... But I think the main thought you have to have when it comes to situations that you cannot control is "i need to do the right thing for me"

[Gary A]

It is pretty tough at the moment but thank you so much for your reply.

The Ward Manager who made the decision to allow one visitor used exactly the same words. She said she tries to put herself in the position of family when she makes her decisions and that she would break down a barricade if it was her parent.

I think my brother may be frightened of losing me as well but I have to live with whatever decision I make.

Once again many thanks.

I think it’s obvious that you want to be there. There are risks of course but you perhaps need to ask yourself if the risk is too great. Will you spend the rest of your life wishing you had taken the risk etc.

There really isn’t a right or wrong answer here, and I really do wish you the best in what will undoubtedly be a tough time ahead. Be sure to drop back in here if it’s all getting to you, we’re all here for you.

[atudders]

Thank you for your kind words.

The world is pretty crazy at the moment but I guess I do know what my heart is telling me.

My comfort is that my Mother has dementia and doesn't know about Dad and he has been in hospital for several weeks and is not aware how much she has declined in that time so they will not have to grieve for each other.

[WiseMonkey]

I'm looking for some help with a decision I'm trying to make.

My father who is 89 has contracted coronavirus in hospital whilst recovering from a hip operation and we have been told that he is too weak following major surgery to fight the virus and is expected to pass away in the next few days.

I am 59 with no underlying health conditions and care for my mother at home who is currently end of life.

The hospital are allowing one relative to visit whilst informing you of the risks and I saw him yesterday on a coronavirus ward of six people and wore mask, apron gloves.

My instinct is to keep visiting as I don't want him to be alone but my brother thinks I am absolutely barmy and should not be exposing myself to the risk.

I would really appreciate some objective advice as I'm completely torn about whay to do.

Alison

So sorry to hear this, my father developed pneumonia (and died in hospital) after a hip operation and we were able to be with him as he died so I know how you feel. If you do visit again you may have to self isolate then you won't be able to look after your mum. Is it possible for your brother to take care of your mother while you continue to visit your dad?

Take care x

[Fishmanpa]

I knew it was a matter of time before we saw real life affect members of the forum. I'm truly sorry to hear about this. Anxiety or not, its challenging at best.

As has been said, there is no right or wrong answer. This is a situation where you have to follow your heart. When it comes down to it, knowing you did so leaves you without regret. The best advice are the words in my signature :)

Positive thoughts

[atudders]

I'm sorry to hear about your father. Hip surgery apparently causes major trauma to the body.

Unfortunately for our current situation me and my brother are currently living with Mom and Dad.

My mother has stopped eating and drinking and her system is in the process of shutting down so after discussing this with the doctor the risk of her catching the virus is sadly not really relevant.

But of course I would expose my brother to the risk which is also part of the argument.

[atudders]

Thank you all for your comments. I'm going to sign off for today.

Take care everyone.

[DL45]

It is pretty tough at the moment but thank you so much for your reply.

The Ward Manager who made the decision to allow one visitor used exactly the same words. She said she tries to put herself in the position of family when she makes her decisions and that she would break down a barricade if it was her parent.

I think my brother may be frightened of losing me as well but I have to live with whatever decision I make.

Once again many thanks.

Your ward Manager sounds like a diamond. Several of our local Trusts have now stopped visitors totally although I would hope that there are Ward Managers with the same empathy as yours.

I lost my Mum couple of years ago, without any of this situation, and I literally left my home for weeks to be with her, so I understand entirely your need. You must do what you believe is the right thing, because you will always have a niggle at the back of your mind, for years to come, if you don't. I know that you have the additional stressor of your Mum and Brother being at home with you, and that puts you in such a difficult position.

As long as you follow ALL precautions, and I am sure the WM could advise you about what they are advised regarding coming to and from their own family home safely - then you should follow your heart.

Sending you and your family my very best wishes x

[pulisa]

I wonder whether your brother would listen to the Ward Manager if she were to ring him and explain about the precautions which are taken when visiting a coronavirus ward? Maybe it might reassure him? If only a little..

Is it practical for you to self-isolate anywhere else if you continue to visit and your brother is still resistant? I wouldn't imagine so-it's a truly awful dilemma and reflects the very real tragedy of the CV pandemic.

Please let us know how you are and I hope you are able to do what you really want to do and don't get influenced by your brother who has made his own mind up but shouldn't tell you what you should do x

[WiseMonkey]

I wonder whether your brother would listen to the Ward Manager if she were to ring him and explain about the precautions which are taken when visiting a coronavirus ward? Maybe it might reassure him? If only a little..

Is it practical for you to self-isolate anywhere else if you continue to visit and your brother is still resistant? I wouldn't imagine so-it's a truly awful dilemma and reflects the very real tragedy of the CV pandemic.

Please let us know how you are and I hope you are able to do what you really want to do and don't get influenced by your brother who has made his own mind up but shouldn't tell you what you should do x

Your brother could self isolate within your parents home, so that he doesn't contact with you or your mother. This is what lots of medical workers do and still live at home with their families, they just self isolate within own rooms and practice meticulous hand washing hygiene etc. Someone leaves them a meal by the door, prepared food is not considered a risk as any virus would be eradicated by stomach acid.

I agree that your brother shouldn't try and influence you, but he entitled to his opinion and is understandably quite scared. Take care x

[pulisa]

I hope that you can reach an accepted compromise with your brother because this would be a terrible time for you both without the added trauma of CV and you need to be supporting each other rather than being one against the other. I hope he can find some way to accept your decision and can choose to self-isolate safely so that you can follow your heart and be with your Dad x

[Scass]

Oh I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. I would be in 2 minds. What would your Dad want you to do?

I would battle with it. There’s no right or wrong answer in this situation. I’m just sorry for your predicament. Xx