Feeling frightened

[theresa]

Hi everyone,

I've had a break from the forum for the last year but have recently been logging on again. It seems that what started as anxiety and depression about 4 years ago has changed and evolved over time with my condition getting worse. It wouldn't be too bad if it would just stay the same! At the moment I feel frightened quite a lot of the time, instead of anxious. It's about nothing in particular I just feel frightened. I sleep badly and have bad dreams which are hard to shake off. I wake up every 2 hours or so and I'm straight into feeling depressed or frightened. Yesterday I felt really depressed and couldn't think of anything except how depressed I was; today I'm feeling frightened and can't seem to stop thinking about it. Weekends are usually worse as I do try to keep doing some voluntary stuff in the week. Even when trying to keep busy I'm still stuck in my thoughts and then I start thinking that I can't tackle my thoughts 'cognitively' cos they're so generalized. The only thing I can do is to keep telling myself there's nothing to be frightened of but it doesn't make me feel less frightened. And I think a lot about how I've just got to go through it all again tomorrow or next weeked - I know these thoughts aren't helpful but I don't feel I have any control over them. I just don't know how to tackle this problem and have tried lots of medication and different therapies - it's like battling with a sponge. Some days aren't as bad but then it feels as though I've suppressed my anxiety and at the same time suppressed all my other feelings and I just feel like a robot. This perhps doesn't make much sense but I felt I needed to 'get it out'.

Theresa

[mico]

Hi Theresa

My symptoms have changed over the years too, I still have the original ones, but they are far milder. It doesn't make it easy though when they keep changing does it, I feel my original symptoms are milder because I learnt how to tackle them, but then the new ones take place and it feels like you're starting over again.

As for the fear you describe, It's not something I would say I suffer from all the time, but I have had it a few times in small doses, ranging from a couple of days to maybe a week at a time. I'm not sure how to describe it, kind of like an extra large panic attack. It was like you describe though, just a fear, not really any reasoning behind the fear, I just felt scared, not even being sure of what I was scared of, which was very strange. And I can relate to your concerns of not being able to find a way out of it, not knowing how to go about tackling it. For me, I just tried relaxation, and lots of it, in fact I felt like I needed to because I just couldn't cope with feeling the way I did.

The way I see it, the way in which the fear was manifesting itself, and not having anything to fear must just come from a huge underlying anxiety, maybe something that has built up (I think I just read one of your posts elsewhere, and you said something about feeling like you had a prolonged nervous breakdown, that's exactly how I felt). And the only way I could really think of tackling the problem was to relax. If you have a very high general level of anxiety (rather than just fearing certain situations) then it makes sense to make an effort to bring that level of anxiety down to a tolerable level, which I believe can be done through regular relaxation. You may not find great results straight away, but I would definately recommend it, although it's important that you keep up a good routine.

Hope you get on ok.

mico

[seh1980]

hello Theresa,

I think that what you are describing is quite normal amongst anxiety sufferers. None of us are really anxious or frightened for a specific reason, not in most cases anyway. All you can do is tell yourself that it is just a phase that you are going through and that you will pull through it soon. Take care.

Sarah :D

[jude]

Hi theresa
I have reached the stage you are at too. I think we are frightenend of the reality of the illness and the depression we feel is the despondency at realising its a hard thing to conquer. I get periods where my mind feels like its running on its own and I cant control it. Somewhere inside we have to find an inner voice to calm us down a bit. By finding this inner voice(I have yet to find mine!) we can control the panic enough to stabilize us again.
I think this feeling is verging on acceptance, but not wanting to go the whole hog in case it makes us insane.
If this makes sense to you then Im feeling the same as you are. Maybe this illness has different 'phases'
Take care
Jude

[stimpy]

It is difficult to battle against something you can't see.
Keep practicing relaxation excercises, they will help you.
Sometimes getting out can do you the world of good, even if you just stand at the door and take deep breathes.

I hope you feel better soon.


Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.


[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'

[Meg]

HI Theresa

Good for you for keeping on with the volunteer work . How are your parents ?

I think keeping you positively stimulated has always been an issue of yours and **I start thinking that I can't tackle my thoughts 'cognitively' cos they're so generalized** taking one frightening thing at a time would be helpful and proving to yourself it is overcomeable rather than trying to tackle it all at once would be easier.

The bad dreams are the bodys way of processing and completing the negative thought cycle and are upsetting but not real.

Thoughts : Lets try to keep our thoughts in perspective (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=283)


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

You cannot conquer fear until you have learned what it is you're afraid of. The enemy is ignorance. Vivian Vance

[theresa]

Thanks for all your replies everyone - feeling a bit better today. Relaxation seems to be a common thread: I do relaxation once a day, maybe I should do it more often - this sometimes helps with the shakiness but doesn't help with the pressure/pain in the chest and the pressure band I feel behind my forehead! I think a lot of 'conditioning' or learnt responses (like Pavlov's dogs) have occurred in my brain/mind. For quite a while I've been doing some voluntary gardening work, but as my depression and anxiety developed, and the days got worse so I began to dread the days when I was gardening but I forced myself to go because it was usually better than staying at home. I don't know if gardening made me worse or that I just became slowly worse anyway but they became linked and no matter how often I told myself that some days weren't too bad it seemed that my mind would only recall the worst days. The same thing happens with other days of the week - e.g. Saturday is usually fruit/veg shopping at the market so during the week I have an image of how I feel when I'm doing the shopping and so begin to dread the weekend and it all becomes rather self-fulfilling.

Meg, thanks for asking (& remembering!) about my parents. They're fairly well - they moved house to be nearer me and my sister and they're in special accommodation where my Dad gets help in caring for my Mum. I try to see them once a fortnight but I find it very difficult and as above I think I've learned to fear those days. Now their situation is more under control, there's less for me to do and I find it hard to just visit, sit on the sofa and try and make conversation. Much of the time, I'm so stuck in my own inner world of continual thinking and observing the physical feelings that I can't speak. Meg, you say "taking one frightening thing at a time would be helpful and proving to yourself it is overcomeable " but I can't pinpoint what is frightening me, I just feel frightened for no reason. I think I felt frightened on Sunday because on Saturday I felt very depressed, miserable, lethargic, unmotivated, couldn't think of anything to do (didn't need any fruit/veg!) and then became anxious/fearful that I was going to feel the same on Sunday.



Theresa

[Meg]

*pressure/pain in the chest and the pressure band I feel behind my forehead!*

*inner world of continual thinking and observing the physical feelings*

so would you say that the physical symptoms are causing you most grief. Its just that you mention it a couple of times .



Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

You cannot conquer fear until you have learned what it is you're afraid of. The enemy is ignorance. Vivian Vance

[nomorepanic]

Theresa

Welcome back to the forum. Lovely to see you again. We always welcome back old members with open arms.

I think a lot of us dwell on the physical symptoms and then that can spiral into panic - I still do that sometimes so I know how hard it is to control.

We have to keep reassuring ourselves that we will be fine and it won't hurt us.



Nicola

[bluebottle]

"We have to keep reassuring ourselves that we will be fine and it won't hurt us."

Yes Nicola, but what about the fear of it getting so bad it causes a breakdown?

[stimpy]

Been there and got the t-shirt on that one!

I was given the same advice by my CPN.

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote"> The symptoms you are feeling are caused by your emergency panic button being constantly turned "on". The feelings you have are exactly the same as when someone makes you jump. Normally they last a split second and are gone. But with panic disorder you feel these symptoms constantly. Although these symptoms are nasty you HAVE to remember that they won't harm you. You are not going nuts, you just need to learn to relax. </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.


[:p]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'

[razocaine_07]

hi, when i was reading your first message, u said you feel worse on the weekends. Maybe you should try to find something to fill them up. I had the same problem on my weekends while i was at uni and i ended up going back to playing snooker, which worked

[nomorepanic]

<b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">"We have to keep reassuring ourselves that we will be fine and it won't hurt us."

Yes Nicola, but what about the fear of it getting so bad it causes a breakdown?

<div align="right">Originally posted by bluebottle - 02 February 2005 : 09:11:22</div id="right">
</td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

Hi Blue

I think when I was at my worst (about 9 years ago) I was close to a breakdown and was very depressed. I cried all the time, panic'd all the time and sometimes spent all weekend laying on the settee and didn't go out. I was still working at this time but spent most of the day panicking there as well! Life was pointless and I didn't want to live like that.

I was put on Dothiepin and then later Prozac and I think this helped with the depression and lifted my spirirts a bit.

At the end of the day I just decided that I had to go on and I wanted to live and I somehow managed to pick myself back up. It wasn't easy but it can be done. I also spent 9 months doing CBT which helped too.

I am not sure this has helped much but I just thought I would let you know that I understand how hard it is for you.

Nicola

[Meg]

Bluebottle - what is the definition of a breakdown to you .. to some a full blown panic attack is a breakdown, to others its when you cannot function at work and normal daily life..

If you recognise what is going on within you and take steps to start healing yourself like you are its unlikely to progress much further. You may have really really bad days still but not fully end up much worse.



Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

You cannot conquer fear until you have learned what it is you're afraid of. The enemy is ignorance. Vivian Vance

[bluebottle]

"cannot function at work and normal daily life.."

That'll be the one Meg.

Nicola, how do I get CBT on the National Health? Is there a waiting list? Oh, and thank you for your kind words.

[nomorepanic]

Bluebottle

I was quite lucky cos I was fast-tracked to getting CBT. Long story but I had a car accident and it worsened the panic and because there was a accident claim going through they wanted me to get counselling asap.

I understand at the moment that the waiting list is up to 18 months in some areas!!

You need to be referred by your GP I am afraid but there just aren't enough therapists to go around hence the long waiting list.

You could get yourself on it and ask how long they think it will be.

In the meantime you could try the "No Panic" telephone recovery course. Visit their site at http://www.nopanic.org.uk/

It is a 14 week course and I did it years ago and found it very helpful. Vern on this forum has done it recently so may be able to tell you what it was like.

May be worth looking into as the only cost is an hour's phone each week.

Nicola

[bluebottle]

Sorry, negative post. Now removed.

I am learning. :D

[theresa]

Meg asked *so would you say that the physical symptoms are causing you most grief. Its just that you mention it a couple of times *

I'd say that usually I can deal with the physical symptoms (tho at times, the chest/forehead pains can be quite intense), I find it harder to deal with the 'mind' stuff - the continual thinking/talking to myself (well almost continual - have to watch for 'all-or-nothing' thinking!) , the derealisation and the feelings of hopelessness, fear and despair and crying so much of the time.

I'm not sure how I'd define a 'breakdown' - I don't feel I could hold down a job and I can't socialise but I do manage to do the shopping and do the voluntary work. Sometimes I'm amazed at how it is possible to keep going and feel so awful at the same time.

Theresa

[nomorepanic]

Bluebottle - I hope you didn't remove that because of what someone said about being negative. You are entitled to an opinion and I agreed with you.

Theresa - you are doing well to do all the voluntary work and keep going. Keep that up and it will help you a lot.

I think a lot of us can relate to "Sometimes I'm amazed at how it is possible to keep going and feel so awful at the same time." - I know I can. It is hard but what else can we do eh?

You will get there in time - don't lose hope.




Nicola