anxiety and relationships

[confusedrob]

Hi,

I posted this in the comitment thread earlier, but thought i'd start it as a new topic too.

My wife and i have just split up after 7 years together, married for 6.

As much as i try to reason about why we split up up i know in my heart that it was all down to my anxiety. I just couldn't tell which were my real feelings and what was the anxiety. I loved her to bits but when my anxiety played up it made me feel trapped, that i didnt want to be married and i'd rather be single. At the time these feelings felt so real and i would moan to her that i wasn't happy etc. Now i just don't know what was real and what wasn't. All i know is now i feel just as bad about not being with her. It's like the anxiety always wants the opposite of what i'm doing.

We split up about 5 weeks ago, and i just found out last week that what spurred her to leave was an ex boyfriend who got in touch through facebook, who she is now seeing. This has given me really bad anxiety attacks, i havent slept for 4 nights and have really bad physical symptoms all the time. Images of them together keep popping up in my head and i feel so bad that my anxiety ruins everything. I think she had just had enough of being with someone who suffers from anxiety and wanted a normal relationship. I had a really bad episode of anxiety attacks at the start of our relationship and she admits it shocked her and she never really got over it, but hoped she would eventually (it was to do with obsessive thoughts of her with ex boyfriends, which i obsessively questioned her about and just couldn't get out of my head)

I also had the same problem with my last partner, and she left me too!

I just don't feel like carrying on anymore, i can't cope with having this disorder anymore. I know i would never actually contemplate suicide, but sometimes i just don't see the point in this kind of life. I could have been so happy but the anxiety ruins everything.

Sorry, i know this is kind of depressing for a first post, but i feel so low at the moment.

[bottleblond]

Hi there,

Ok first of all, you said you didnt think she liked living with someone with anxiety, but i think it's more likely to be the fact that you kept telling her that you were not happy, it's sounding to me like very mixed signals have bent sent.

One thing that could be useful here is if you and of course she would like to salvage anything from this relationship, then marraige counselling would be a good way, not only would it prove to your wife that she means so much to you that you are willing to do this in order to repair the dammage done but also you make be able to understand your own issues where relationships are concerned.

best of luck

Lisa
xx

[funky chick]

Hi Confusedrob, so sorry you have tough time of it at the moment you will find this site helpful im sure lots of kind caring people who understand anxiety and will help you take care love Gail xx:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Lilith1980]

Hi confusedrob,

Your post brought me to tears because I am going through the same feelings within my relationship and we are due to marry next year. I never know what feelings are real. I moan alot and alot of time I am unhappy and all my fiance must see is someone who is unhappy. He says he will never leave me because of this but I cannot believe that because no one should have to put up with it.

Are you still in contact with your wife? Could you not suggest the joint counselling with her? I can imagine that its hard for her (and my fiance) to cope with our anxieties but I do think there is a lack of understanding on their part too. That's not to say its their fault but I think joint counselling would at least shed some light on things for her as well as yourself.

If you really want this to work, and if she wants it to work, then I think that would be the best way to go. Dont lose hope, you are worth helping and your marriage is worth saving, don't feel so down on yourself that you want to give up because your marriage is worth fighting this stupid disorder for.

[Ma Larkin]

Hiya,

I totally understand where you are coming from. I think all my anxiety and panic attacks began with relationship problems. I have been fine for about 12 months as, to be honest with you, I've steared clear of relationships but at the moment I am involved with a man who has only just recently split up from his long term partner and my anxiety has come back again. I was exactly the same as you, couldn't bear the thought of my previous partners with someone else, but it has got easier for me. I think my anxiety has only come back now because this is all new to me after being on my own for quite some time, and I'm just hoping that it settles down over the next few weeks. I am on medication which seems to helping and I have had counselling when my last relationship split up and I found this really helpful to talk to someone who made me see things differently and more positively.

Hope you start to feel better soon.

Les

[confusedrob]

Thanks for your replies guys,

She seems happy with her new partner, although i'm sure its' because he is familiar to her (they went out for 2 years before we met), otherwise if we had split up she would have had nowhere to go. I also think she is just happy to be with soemone who doesnt moan a lot and have the same issues i have, and i don't blame her for that. I don't want to be with me most of the time either.

I have exaplined about my anxiety to her, and been for CBT (which didnt help that much) but i think it was just too much for her to cope with. She isnt a big talker and that caused problems too, as she would never really talk about it. So we just plodded on.

There were things abotu her that made me anxious, i don't generally get anxiety for no reason, it just makes little problems seem a million times worse and i go over and over them in my head. I just can't see a way out, i've been like this forever.