HOCD about friend

[NCoxie]

Hi I’m currently feeling really tormented by my own brain. I’ve struggled with themes before (TOCD/HOCD/fear I was secretly a murderer/ROCD/fear of supernatural/ Harm OCD

Then everything went quiet until
Recently.

I’ve been with my fiancé for 13 years we’ve had to move our wedding to next year. We have joint friends and also I have a few online friends with the same interests (fandom/celebrity) and I’ve got a great friend on tumblr and we chat all things relating to that fandom. Including fanart, fic, discussion on celeb crushs. I keep that on the downlow as a separate interest from my real life with my fiancé. He knows I like the fandom, have a friend on there and that I occasionally write but other then that he’s not interested.

My mind one day went into “you are having an emotional affair.” And I freaked out big time. I felt sick, cried and couldn’t sleep. I googled compulsively. I have not sexual attraction to my tumblr friend. She’s kool and we get on well. It’s nothing like what I have with my fiancé. So you’d think my brain would be fine with that?

No. It latched onto the fact I write fanfic (some of it is..... racy.) but I became convinced that that was cheating on my fiancé. And that my friend proof reads my stuff makes me convinced that I’m having an affair with her which I’m not. I’m just secretive about being a fan girl. I write this now but right now my mind is screaming at me. Convincing me that I’m bad and wrong and that I must be having an affair.

At one point I had groinal responses but they have stopped. I admitted to my fiance what’s going on in my head and he said he doesn’t care and to stop worrying.

I can’t stop tho.
What’s the matter with me?
I’d never do anything to hurt my fiancé I love him.

[NCoxie]

Please can someone tell me if this is OCD or not?

[NCoxie]

Can someone please help?
It’s gotten worse.
It moved onto me thinking
What if I was having an emotional affair with her?
what if she fancied me?
What if I’m becoming obsessed with her?
and now I’ve found out about a thing called Limerence and I’m panicked and trying not to cry.

What if I’ve got Limerence about my friend?
That means I don’t love my fiancé and that I’m gay. I’m so scared! Yes she’s my friend and I look forward to chatting to her daily. Cause we have shared interests. But I need to know it’s just that! What if it’s a friend crush? Is that normal? I’m so confused.

[NCoxie]

Please! Please! Someone help. I’m now worried that what if I’m obsessed with my friend?? Why would I be? I keep thinking about her (non-sexual) just what if and why!? Why am I thinking this? Why not about my fiancé. He’s more important. Doesn’t that mean his not important to me??
What if I’m limirant? I don’t want to be.

[Scissel]

Holy smoke: I can tell you're really wound up - you need to calm down, it is your OCD - nothing more. Not saying you do, but even if you did have a girl crush, that doesn't mean you're gay. It the fear/worry turning into obsession - which, in turn, is leading you to feel compelled to question everything when its unnecessary. Just relax and enjoy, rather than panic. I know its scary [HOCD - any obsessive disorder re sexuality], but people seriously overthink this ... you're fine and there is nothing to worry about.

Wow - fiancé for 13 years - Are you excited and want to spend the rest of your life with him? :hugs:

[NCoxie]

Yeah he’s my better half, the funny guy with infinite patience. I love him so much but my brain screams at me that I don’t.

[NCoxie]

I’m also concerned that because I keep thinking about my friend that I’m obsessed with her. But is this obsessing about obsessing? What does this mean? I don’t think anything in particular about her. Just that I’m thinking about her. Is this ‘the polar bear‘ thing?

[Scissel]

Yeah he’s my better half, the funny guy with infinite patience. I love him so much but my brain screams at me that I don’t.That is so beautiful - our "dirosrder" (I have awful OCD as well) has us questioning everything.

If I'm not being to forward, could you describe with what you're referring to - as you say its not really a sexual thing - in what way(s) are you obsessed with her?

I'll sort of be on-and-off here today and will try to respond when I can - somebody is picking me up to go out later for early dinner in a bit.

[NCoxie]

We messege daily about the same fandom and geek out. I look forward to hearing from her and sharing opinions, pics, gossip in relation to the fandom, fanart, fanfic, celeb crushes. Someone that shares my geeky hobby. My other half isn’t interested. Bless him.

At one point I was scared I was being a lesbian and having an affair with her (not true but my mind convinced me it was true.) I confessed my intrusive thought to my fiancé and he laughed it off and said he doesnt care About what my brain is saying and that I’m being silly. And I told my friend and she said it’s just my mental health and that I’m
Loyal to my fiancé and not get swept up
In my head.

I feel like I have to confess my thoughts.

My new thought is that because I’m thinking I’m obsessed I must be obsessed that I’m a lesbian and that I do not love my fiancé then I freak out inside. I don’t want this. She’s just a a good friend. A squish maybe. What’s the matter with me.

[Scissel]

awww ... that sound like such a awesome friendship ... you are both close and can share crushes and such.

Sounds like you've got a 'keeper' there - your man laughed it off and loves you because you are honest with him.

Truthfully.. I don't think you are a lesbian - I really wouldn't worry so much and just enjoy your friendship with her - everything sounds just fine to me!

That being said: you're not the only one with this worry. Gosh I've have had the opposite. I've always been pretty secure; in that I identify as gay (take notice I said "identify"). Being gay/bi is how one identifies themselves - so trust me - you'd know. If I have a girl crush would that make me "Straight" ... of course not. However, at times, I've questioned it myself and feel as I need to turn in my 'gay card' because I'm not sexual at all with other people and never plan to agian ... haha :D

Fear not my dear, you're just YOU with a great heart and there is nothing at all wrong with you - our OCD makes our brain question everything - remember that when you "freak out inside" :)

[NCoxie]

Thankyou so much for your kind reply.
Yeah they are both patient and great.

My anxiety intrusive thoughts has changed now. IÂ’m concerned that because my friend hadnÂ’t messeged me back like she normally does (I know sheÂ’s probably busy living her life/ doing whatever) but in my head I get anxious and sad. Not that IÂ’m being rejected r anything but IÂ’m Harper aware of myself that IÂ’m waiti g for a reply and why would I feel
This way. Now I’m scared What if I have separation anxiety syndrome About my friend? Why would I feel this way? And if I feel this way wouldn’t it be about my fiancé because he he is the most important person to me. Not my internet friend??
Is this true?