Constantly in an anxious state! [Archive]

BrokenGirl

03-06-20, 19:15

My anxiety is not good lately, I'm definitely in a spiral. But while I'm feeling this way I'm also trying to figure out what's going on with my brain. It seems like my brain is, for now, stuck in a permanent anxiety state. If I'm worried about something (usually health related, but not always), as soon as I get the all clear and realise I don't have to worry about that any more, I don't feel relief like I used to. Straight away my mind starts looking for something else to worry about and won't stop until it finds something.

I got up this morning, wasn't worrying about anything but knew deep down that it was only a matter of time before I found something.
And of course I did. And I know on some level that what I'm worrying about now is ridiculous, but it's as if my brain has latched onto it and is saying to me that's something to worry about.

For the record, the latest worry is my daughter. She's 12 and is wearing a lightish summer top today. Her breasts have started to grow and whatever way I looked at her, it was as if I could kind of see through her top and it was darker around her nipple and areola on one breast(she wasn't wearing any bra today). For a minute I took no notice of it, but it's like my brain decided to use that as the newest thing to worry about. I know that nipples and areolas are darker than the rest of the breast. But should they be darker at her age? Mine aren't that dark - what if there's something wrong? And on and on the worry goes.....

I assume this is nothing to be concerned about, but please someone tell me if it is. I'm trying to apply logic, and I am using some tools I've learned recently, but was wondering if anyone else on here was or is this bad? Where it's just one thing after another, anxiety is constantly turned on. I really can't believe I'm after getting this bad.
I'm just starting to worry that I'll never get better

Scass

03-06-20, 20:33

I suppose you’re not getting the relief because you’re so anxious at the moment. You have to help yourself through it every day & not just when you’re in the spiral.

Nipples are all different. Perhaps her hormones are causing a change or perhaps her nipples are just like that. She’s 12, she’s fine.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Lady123

03-06-20, 23:46

I am this bad!! One thing over and then I don’t feel right, I keep feeling urges to check random things until I latch onto something else. It’s awful.

BrokenGirl

04-06-20, 20:42

Today has been a little better than yesterday - not worrying so much about my daughter, and every time I do start to worry I just say logical things to myself.

It's so difficult living with HA, or any kind of anxiety, depression or mental health issue.
I think it's so important to try to take it one day at a time, or even one hour at a time. Nobody knows what the future holds, and there's nothing anyone can do about that.
I keep telling myself that before I had HA, I never knew what tomorrow would bring but it didn't bother me. So why let it bother me now?

It was just nice to have a better day today than yesterday, and as you said Scass, I think it's important to work on it when you're feeling better. If you leave it all till you're in a spiral then it's too difficult......

ErinKC

05-06-20, 12:23

My mom's therapist described anxiety as a bird and your worries as branches on a tree. The bird is just constantly flitting around looking for a new branch to land on. If one breaks it will find another. I'm not quite as nice because I've always thought of it as a parasite looking for a new host... I've been in these states and it's just awful. I hope you can break out if it! Sometimes I can get out of these myself, but sometimes I need a little Lorazepam to get me out of it. It just slows my brain down and stops some of that adrenaline so I can catch my breath.

Elen

05-06-20, 12:44

BrokenGirl

05-06-20, 13:07

Hi Could I ask that you keep all your posts to this thread, rather than open new threads.

I think that this post gives a great overview of how you are spiraling at the moment.

You have got over this before and you will do it again.

Take Care

Elen
Thanks Elen. You'd think I'd know better at this stage than to start a lot of new posts, I've been here long enough!!!!

I suppose on some level we feel that every new worry should get a new post, but I totally get on the other hand why we should keep everything in one thread.
Anyway, promise not to start any more new threads while I'm in this spiral :blush:

BrokenGirl

06-06-20, 13:54

I know that anxiety can cause tiredness, but how exhausting can it actually be?
I'm feeling so drained and exhausted lately. Even after 7 or 8 or more hours sleep I struggle to get out of bed. Can hardly open my eyes for a while because they feel like they're burning. I have no energy and there are so many times throughout the day that I could just imagine myself crawling into bed and falling asleep. Can anxiety really make you THAT tired?

I do think I'm in a constant state of panic. As soon as one worry goes away, another one comes along very quickly. I'm not particularly worried about anything at the moment but I can nearly feel my brain scanning my body, and my life in general, looking for the next worry. I'm not expecting to get through the day without a new worry cropping up.

A good night's sleep, lying down for a while, trying to relax with a book, even coffee - nothing helps with the tiredness any more.
Can anxiety put you in a constant state of tiredness??

BrokenGirl

09-06-20, 22:02

I had improved a bit over the last few days but this evening I'm as bad as ever again.

My anxiety is very high, my thoughts are racing and I just feel like I'm on the HA roller coaster again :(
This is probably more for the ladies, but when I was showering this evening and I was washing my lady parts I thought I felt a little bit of a bump/lump at the entrance of my vagina. I've checked it a few times since then and sometimes I can't really feel anything and sometimes I can. But whatever it is it's not a hard lump, it's softish. It's not sore or itchy or bleeding.
There's a voice in my head telling me it's absolutely nothing, might just be the way I am down there. After all, i have had a vaginal birth and needed some stitches after it, so surely things can't be perfect down there anymore!!
I feel as if my anxiety is latching onto this now, and trying to turn it into something that it's not. About twice in the last few hours my anxiety calmed down about it for a minute, but in that minute I felt ok about it and felt there's nothing wrong with me. But then the HA comes screaming at me again.
I'm so tired from this. I really think losing my job has destroyed me mentally. Working was such a distraction from my thoughts, but now all I have is me with my thoughts all day, and that's not a good thing for me....

BrokenGirl

10-06-20, 22:34

I really hope someone replies to this because I'm struggling so much at the moment I don't know what to do anymore!!
I'm getting obsessed with what I think feels like a few lumps just inside my vagina. I ran to the bathroom today so many times to check it.
Yes there are a few bumpy things there but I'm almost certain they've been there for a long time, they don't feel hard, they actually feel the same as the rest of the skin there.
I'm usually so good with googling these days but I left my guard down this evening and googled vaginal cancer. I didn't read much but what I did read was that it is rare, in fact only about 10 or so cases occur in Ireland each year. I actually find it hard to believe it's so little. I suppose that's a good thing, but then the thoughts of what if I'm one of those rare cases.......
I can't seem to get out of this spiral. My anxiety is sky high, my mind is racing with awful thoughts and it's on my mind all the time now.
What do I do when I'm this bad? How do I snap out of it when I'm this bad?
Sorry for going on about it, but I don't think I've been this bad before and I'm feeling at a complete loss right now :(

ErinKC

11-06-20, 00:49

When I got this bad the only thing I could do was turn to a professional. First my primary care doctor who prescribed me medication and then a therapist. But if you call your doctor make sure it's about the anxiety, not all the health worries. Even just talking that over with someone can really help.

BrokenGirl

11-06-20, 23:00

As far as medication goes, unfortunately I can't seem to tolerate any of it. The doctors have tried me on so many anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds over the years. Apart from the normal side effects, they give me severe migraines which makes it impossible for me to continue with them.
I spoke with my doctor a few weeks ago about it and she agreed that the only thing she could give me was xanax, which is definitely not something you want to be taking regularly. So I've kind of hit a brick wall as far as meds is concerned!!
I know I need therapy as well, and I wish I could start it tomorrow. I'm trying to save some money for private sessions as the public waiting lists are very long, and to be honest I haven't had much luck with public therapists either. I've been to see a few of them over the years and most of the time they just weren't any good for me.

I desperately need to break out of this cycle though - it's wearing me down mentally and physically. I've had enough of living this way.

I've still been worried about my lady parts all day, but not as bad as yesterday. And I was thinking that maybe I was over the worst of it and was finally getting through to myself that everything was fine.
Then something else. My eye was a bit sore so I had a close look at it in the mirror. In the coloured part of it there is a very black streak/line. It goes from the outside of the coloured circle almost in as far as the pupil. Instant panic went through me when I saw it. Was it always there? I don't know. Is it a sign of anything? I still don't know. But the vicious cycle is starting again......

BrokenGirl

12-06-20, 12:11

This is exhausting me - I'm getting myself into a state over my eye. Had calmed for a while but freaking a bit again.
I keep thinking the worst about the black streak in my eye. There seems to be another smaller one just below it. I'm worried about iris melanoma.
I'm really after going backwards with the googling the past few days, disgusted with myself over it. I think I have control over it again, not going to google any more. But I saw the words "iris melanoma" somewhere and I can't get it out of my head. I don't know what the signs and symptoms of it are. If anyone knows could they tell me if a black line/streak in the iris is a symptom, and please don't tell me what the symptoms are.
I know I'm reassurance seeking but I'm struggling so hard right now.

lyndau63

12-06-20, 16:59

Oh my dear, I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could help you with the eye problem but I don't have any answers. I didn't know that iris melanoma existed but, of course, this is the trouble with Google, you find all kinds of conditions you were not aware of. It seems extremely unlikely that you have this condition but I know how real it seems to you. I can see it logically from an independent perspective but I cannot see my own problem logically.
Like you, I am in a constant state of anxiety. I get relief from one thing only to move on to the next. I was at the hospital yesterday for tests on my neck which were all fine but peace was short lived because today I am panicking about my lady parts too!
I am sorry you can't tolerate any of the medication but I have been on so many drugs but am no better so maybe you are not missing anything. I too feel as if I will never get better.
I really hope you get some helpful suggestions from people and that you soon feel a bit better.

BrokenGirl

15-06-20, 11:55

Another day another worry, about my son this time.

He's 19 and he was born with a ptosis on his eye. He had it operated on when he was about 3. It improved it a bit but it never looked good. There is a huge difference between his 2 eyes - his left eyelid is still very droopy. But apparently it would be a LOT worse if he never had the operation.
Anyway, as you can imagine, his confidence and self esteem are very low because of it. Every now and then he mentions how he hates his wonky eye. He's a very quiet, introverted person, doesn't really have many friends apart from one guy who he rarely sees anymore as they don't live near each other. My heart breaks for him because it just makes everything so much more difficult for him.

But I was talking to my daughter (12) last night and she mentioned that he told her that his left eye (the one with the ptosis) goes off to the left when he looks down. So if he's looking straight ahead of him his eyes (as in his eyeball) seem to be looking normally, both eyes looking at the same thing. But if he keeps his head up and looks down with his eyes, his left eye looks off to the left.
Of course I'm thinking the worst again, that's it's a sign something is wrong. I can't mention it to him because he asked his sister not to say it to me. But she said he didn't seem worried about it. They were actually making a few snapchat videos and laughing at it! They sent me a few snapchat videos (and they were quite funny) but he wanted to make sure he didn't send me one with his eye going off to the left.

Does anyone know anything about eyes looking in different directions? I know I have seen pictures of people and one eye might be looking straight at you and the other eye in a different direction. My son only gets it when he looks down, so his eye moves off in the left direction instead of straight down.
What do I do here if I can't even say it to him?

Fishmanpa

15-06-20, 11:57

Which app did you download to help yourself?

Positive thoughts

lyndau63

15-06-20, 20:17

I have a friend whose eye constantly wanders off to the side and has done since we were children.

BrokenGirl

16-06-20, 23:30

SnowyGreen

17-06-20, 03:55

BrokenGirl

18-06-20, 23:31

My son has a severe autoimmune disease. He was diagnosed 3 years ago. I grieved and was so ****ing mad, it gave me panic attacks, knowing he had to live like this forever, and be on heavy duty immune suppressant infusions for life. As time went on, we got used to it, and now we can even joke about it. Life isn't fair, but you'll get through it.
Thanks so much for your response Snowy.
I can't even imagine how difficult it must have been for you and your son when he got the diagnosis.
All any of us want is the best for our children, no matter what age they are.
I'm so glad that you've both accepted it and have gotten used to it. The fact that you can have a joke about it shows that you definitely have the right attitude. That's exactly what you and your son need, and having an attitude like that is what will get you both through it.
I don't know if I'm as strong as you are though. Your son was diagnosed 3 years ago and in that time you've gotten used to it. My son is 19 now, so I don't think I'll ever be ok with it, or him either. He's at an age now where looks are so important, and I know that his confidence is shattered over this.
Can I do anything about it? No. Can I help him in any way? I wish I could but I don't know how.
I really feel so helpless at times, especially when he mentions it.
Life really isn't fair - it can be so cruel at times!

SnowyGreen

19-06-20, 05:09

Thanks so much for your response Snowy.
I can't even imagine how difficult it must have been for you and your son when he got the diagnosis.
All any of us want is the best for our children, no matter what age they are.
I'm so glad that you've both accepted it and have gotten used to it. The fact that you can have a joke about it shows that you definitely have the right attitude. That's exactly what you and your son need, and having an attitude like that is what will get you both through it.
I don't know if I'm as strong as you are though. Your son was diagnosed 3 years ago and in that time you've gotten used to it. My son is 19 now, so I don't think I'll ever be ok with it, or him either. He's at an age now where looks are so important, and I know that his confidence is shattered over this.
Can I do anything about it? No. Can I help him in any way? I wish I could but I don't know how.
I really feel so helpless at times, especially when he mentions it.
Life really isn't fair - it can be so cruel at times!

My son was 19 when first diagnosed too. It was life threatening, he had to have blood transfusions to live, and for the rest of his life he will be having infusions and scopes... he couldn't leave the house for a couple of years, and still to this day he rarely leaves the house, unless it is with me. One day he might need a bag to shit in, as his ulcerative colitis is so severe. He literally was only shitting blood. He has already been hospitalised numerous times for this. He takes drugs that may give him blood cancer, which has shown to be 100% fatal in young men of his age. It is heartbreaking, but your son is alive and well, and he will get through this, and so will you... you simply have no other choice.

BrokenGirl

22-06-20, 01:22

My son was 19 when first diagnosed too. It was life threatening, he had to have blood transfusions to live, and for the rest of his life he will be having infusions and scopes... he couldn't leave the house for a couple of years, and still to this day he rarely leaves the house, unless it is with me. One day he might need a bag to shit in, as his ulcerative colitis is so severe. He literally was only shitting blood. He has already been hospitalised numerous times for this. He takes drugs that may give him blood cancer, which has shown to be 100% fatal in young men of his age. It is heartbreaking, but your son is alive and well, and he will get through this, and so will you... you simply have no other choice.
I had no idea it was so serious with your son, it definitely puts things into perspective!!
I know what my son has isn't life threatening, and I am so thankful for that, but maybe it's the fact that I feel so helpless is what makes it difficult.
It's not something he's ever going to be ok with, or something that won't p**s him off at times - he's had it for 19 years now and it still gets him down at times.
I understand what you're saying, he can't let something like this hold him back. And I know he shouldn't. But it's just so hard when it shatters his confidence. He's a quiet, shy person by nature anyway so having a ptosis on his eye just makes what should be normal situations much more difficult for him.
But thank you for sharing your story with me Snowy. It can't have been easy to get your head around his diagnosis, but it sounds as if you've found the strength to accept it and move on. And I have to admire you for that.
Life really can be cruel and unfair. But what choice do any of us have but to accept what's been put in front of us and carry on as best we can!

SnowyGreen

22-06-20, 02:59

Indeed, that's all we can do. Your son may be ok with it one day. Look at Forest Whitaker :) Full and great life, even with a droopy eye. There's always hope. All the best

BrokenGirl

25-06-20, 15:58

I'm not even sure why I'm posting but sometimes it helps to write it down, and of course if there's any chance of reassurance then that's good too. People say we shouldn't seek reassurance, and maybe we shouldn't, maybe it keeps us in the spiral, but there are times when you just need to hear those reassuring words, and it often helps me see things a bit more logically too.

It's one thing after another, and I've nearly come to accept that that's how I am for now. So my current worry is anal cancer.
The last few days, when I was wiping after a bowel movement, I thought I felt something down there, just at the opening. Some sort of lump or bump. But I'm in such a bad spiral lately that I don't know anymore what I always felt like there. That's one thing that HA does to me - it makes me forget and question what is normal for me. It's not a hard lump, and quite possible it's just a pile. I had them years ago, pretty bad both times when I was pregnant, but I've had no bother from them in a long time.
I have no other symptoms, no bleeding, no constipation or pain. And as far as I know anal cancer is not very common, but I'm still worried.
I'm trying to rationalise, use what few tools I have, but nothings working. I feel like giving up at this stage.
I'm tired of being worried constantly. I don't know how or where this worry is going to end.
There's a voice telling me I don't need to go running to the doctor but I just don't know what to do.
Sorry for going on a bit, but I don't know where else to turn to.

BrokenGirl

26-06-20, 11:40

I really hope somebody replies to this because I need some sense talked into me.

I gave my breasts their monthly check this morning and of course found a lump, quite large. I knew it would happen. I'm dreading this every month now. I really think my breasts change from month to month, so it's very difficult to know what's normal for me.
Normally if you feel a lump, the advice would be to go to the doctor. But, I had a mammogram 6 weeks ago, got the all clear. A young doctor gave me a quick breast exam just before the mammogram. So logically I'm thinking there can't be anything sinister there after just 6 weeks. But the anxiety won't go away.
I'm at a loss, I don't know what to do anymore. This is eating me up with worry again but there's no way I can go to the doctor after 6 weeks. What is wrong with me?

pulisa

26-06-20, 21:19

BrokenGirl

27-06-20, 01:17

You can answer that one for yourself. It's why you're posting on the HA board. Why is it eating you up with worry? You had a mammogram 6 weeks ago and had the all clear. You are one of the lucky ones. You may just have lumpy breasts but you've had the all clear.
Thank you for replying, and everything you have said makes sense.
I'm disgusted with myself, and even ashamed, that I'm feeling this way, but the worry just won't let up. I can't shake it off and I'm so scared now I'm not going to ever break free from this horrible cycle.
Checking my breasts every month has been something I've been getting more and more scared of, and if this is how I am 6 weeks after a mammogram, I don't know if there's any hope for me anymore.

BrokenGirl

28-06-20, 15:08

Still worried about that breast lump. I know it sounds crazy to some people but I can't help it atm.
Even panicking about my daughter now. She wanted to dye her hair blue (she has a box of blue hair due). I put the dye in her hair, was careful to keep it away from her scalp but am now worried she'll get some in her eyes when she's rinsing it. I told her several times to be careful of this and she said she will.
Everything is a panic and a worry. I've never known anything like this in my life.

I decided this morning to keep a kind of diary of my worries. On the left hand side of a page I'm writing down my worry and how it's making me feel. Then on the right hand side I'm writing down any positive thoughts that come to mind about it - this could be why I think I shouldn't be so concerned about it, any thought or fact that will question the anxious thought, what are the other possibilities it could be or could happen that are not so serious, anything at all really. I've never tried anything like this before so I'm not sure what to expect from it.
Has anyone tried anything similar? And what were your thoughts on it? Did it help in any way?

BrokenGirl

29-06-20, 12:04

Sorry for going on here, I know I'm probably driving people crazy when they see another post from me.
I can't let go of the fear of this lump in my breast. It's quite large and I don't know how I never spotted it before.
Yesterday evening a random thought just came into my head (that's happening a lot lately). What if it's a cancerous lymph node?
I don't know much about lymph nodes, what makes them cancerous? Is it a tumor growing in them?
And I don't want to know too much about them, but what I'd like to know here is would a cancerous lymph node show up on a mammogram?

BrokenGirl

04-07-20, 12:33

Why is it that every time I think I'm improving a little bit I get knocked back again.
My 2 biggest worries at the moment are breast and anal cancer. I seem to be going from one to the other, and I know it sounds crazy but while I'm worried about each of them it eats me up.
I was making a small bit of progress over the last few days, challenging my thoughts, and I'm also keeping a diary of my worries, which kind of helps writing it all down, but after my bowel movement this morning I'm in a panic again.
I don't know why but I wanted to give a good feel around down there to make sure there was nothing worrying there but of course I could feel something. I put my finger in ever so slightly (sorry I know that sounds gross) and don't know if what I'm feeling is a bit of stool, a pile or something else.
I don't know what I should feel like there so I'm in a state of panic now. I was hoping everything would just be soft and smooth and nothing sticking out anywhere, but that never happens me.
How do I talk myself down out of this one? There's a voice in my head telling me I cannot go running to the doctor about this, I know I can't, but the chemicals and anxiety running through me are telling me something else. I wish I could turn back the clock and not check it this morning, why did I do it

BrokenGirl

05-07-20, 20:29

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't take much more of this.
I'm so worried all day every day it's destroying me. I'm going around like a zombie because I'm so exhausted from being stressed.
This isn't living. I can't even remember what it's like to live somewhat normally.
Every lump, bump and other symptom is sending me deeper into a hole of despair.
My family deserve a proper mother and wife. I've let them down.
I'm so alone with this, it's too much for me.
I only ever wanted a normal(ish) life, and to be able to deal with the ups and downs like a normal person.
A lost cause is all that comes to mind now

BrokenGirl

08-07-20, 11:17

I just made an appointment with the doctor. My usual doctor isn't there - she's off for the month of July. So I'll be seeing a new doctor who I've never seen before.
Yes, I'm going to mention the anal cancer worry I currently have. I just can't let it go. But then I'm going to talk about medication. Enough is enough. I can't go on like this for much longer.
I don't want to go on meds but I don't want to live like this either.
My appointment is 2:30 today and I'm so nervous. I wish it was my usual doctor, at least I could talk to her with a bit more comfort.
I'm terrified what she'll say about the anal cancer - will she think I'm crazy or will she refer me cause she thinks there's something wrong?
And then it's hard to pour your heart out to a stranger and tell her you need medication.
I hope I'm doing the right thing......