Patterns seem to move

[Cptdebbie]

My therapist and I had such a good talk last week about the alarms in my body that are on extra high alert all the time and how reassurance is addictive. I felt so empowered. Then life kicked in. :weep: I am really struggling being alone and quarantined. It has brought my anxiety to a fever pitch. I finally decided to let myself post about this one thing so I keep myself from googling it.

I have shutter type blinds on all my windows. In one room, there are shutters on two big sets of windows on adjacent walls. These shutters are in view when I sit in my favorite chair. Most of the time, I can look at these shutters without anything strange happening, but at certain times of the day, the light hits the shutters and I see weird things. It’s sort of like movement of the various whites and grays.

I just had a full eye exam a few weeks ago. I hadn’t noticed this blind movement thing though before my appointment. My husband, who is deceased, used to tell me his eyes went funky when he looked at patterns. So, I’m hoping some of you have experienced what I’m experiencing.

Yep, I’m a reassurance junkie.

Thanks for your time. :hugs::hugs:

[Fishmanpa]

So you're looking at your blinds and based on the light, you hyper-focus and see normal visual anomalies. What exactly are you fearing? (Based on your post history, I'm thinking brain tumor?)

Positive thoughts

[Charlie1108]

When the sun shines through the front windows in my living room, I see a purple pattern on my cream curtains. Never given it much thought. I always thought it was a trick of the light. I do feel for you. This lockdown makes anxious minds go into overdrive. Sending hugs x

[Cptdebbie]

Thanks for your responses.

Fishman - I honestly don’t know what I’m specifically fearing. I just keep feeling like something dreadful is wrong. (A common feeling for anxiety and depression sufferers.)

I just realized that I’ve recently started slanting the blinds a bit instead of opening them completely. This is probably why this visual effect seems to be a new occurrence.

Charlie - thank you for your kind words and hugs. I think some hugs would do me a lot of good right now.

[Fishmanpa]

Fishman - I honestly don’t know what I’m specifically fearing.

I'm just pointing out its been a common theme with your posts. Vision and brain issues have been a fear for the last few years and none of them have come to fruition. I know you suffered a traumatic loss but it seems have perpetuated and amplified your fears. Have you sought real life professional help?

Positive thoughts

[Cptdebbie]

Hi Fishman, I see a therapist almost every week. My husband emotionally and psychologically abused me. I didn’t see the extent of this abuse until after he died Eighteen months ago. I just thought I wasn’t a good wife or mother and deserved the treatment I got. My husband most likely had narcissistic personality disorder. He convinced me I had no value. The worst abuse happened when I was sick or had a health scare. One of the ways my mind tried to protect me was by developing a hyper vigilance towards physical symptoms. I know that I overreact to symptoms. It’s not always because I’m afraid of a particular illness. I’m terrified of being ill in general.

Unfortunately, it’s going to take many years to work all this through. I actually may never completely recover. I was with my husband for almost 40 years. My psychiatric diagnoses are complex ptsd, Stockholm Syndrome, internalized shame, anxiety, depression, battered wife syndrome, trauma bonding, and other things that I can’t even remember now.

It takes a lot of work to keep myself functional. I slip a lot. Being alone and isolated during this pandemic has added additional stress to my life and I’m more panicky than ever.

So, yes, Fishman, I have sought real life professional help. It may not seem like it to you, but I’m a survivor. One of the goals I set in my last counseling session was to not shame myself for my health anxiety. Instead, I am to thank it. It is one of my protective mechanisms at work. I forgot that today for a few minutes.

Best, Debbie

[SnowyGreen]

Big hugs Debbie. I too lived with someone who had narcissistic personality disorder, and their manipulation and abuse knew no bounds. You are a survivor, and there is no shame in health anxiety. "Real life professional help" can take a long time, and sometimes even finding the right kind of help takes a while. Also, voicing your fears on here can help a lot, and I see it as real life help as well, maybe not from "professionals", but from people who have been there and sometimes know more than so called professionals. The person who helped me the most has no degrees and wouldn't be classed as a "professional", but they had lived this hell for a decade and have been free for even longer, so they know more about what it is really truly like than someone out of school. That's what I've found in my experience anyway. *big hug*.

[Fishmanpa]

Thank you for your reply Debbie. I do see that you've been seeing a therapist and now see the extent of why. Throughout my life, I've come to realize that situations like yours, where you're mentally abused, are not always visible to the human eye. Its often visible in other ways when one knows what to look for. It could be a low sense of self esteem, or an irrational fear such as you manifested as a defense mechanism.

My mother had lifelong mental illnesses including multiple personality disorder. It wasn't until I was older and understood what mental illness is that I began to actually see the signs. I visited my mother's psychologist for several sessions and he explained what was going on. I always thought Mom was just weird but it all made sense when I found out the reasons behind it (severe abuse from her mother). Those educational sessions concerning those signs enabled me to understand and I began to see the extent mental illness permeates society.

Now, with this pandemic, I'm seeing this more than ever. I read an article about presidential candidate Joe Biden saying there are around 10-15% of people that are just plain bad people (pertaining to those resorting to violence and crime during the social unrest). Sadly, I think he's grossly underestimating that :( The saying about one bad apple spoiling the bunch comes to mind and makes sense when put in that perspective and that also pertains to those that abuse others whether mentally and/or physically in a relationship. Its apparent based on your situation just what that can and has done to so many people. I still cannot wrap my head around those types of people and the pure evil that exists in the world :(

It also brings up the differences of how mental illness manifests itself. For some, its an inherent imbalance of sorts, a chemical and/or physical misfiring of the brain cells but for most, IMO, its a product of life and environmental factors that contribute to skewed thought processes and behaviors. Having explained your situation and looking back at your post history, it makes more sense.

I'm a survivor as well. Not for the same reasons but one nonetheless. The challenges both physically and mentally are duly noted. I recovered but the side effects are permanent. Its my belief that one can recover and adapt to the "new normal" whatever that may be physically or mentally. I get what you're saying about having a moment. I have days where despite my best efforts, the pain from the side effects knocks me on my rear and the only way to cope is to close myself off from the world for a little while until it passes. My wife has learned to see and recognize it in my eyes and expression and knows to give me space.

Between the abuse you suffered from your late husband and now this, it makes sense based on your post history that these visual symptoms started around the same time the pandemic started and are triggering your self defense mechanisms. You're way ahead of the curve in that you recognize them.

Thank you again for the detailed explanation. It sheds a lot of light as to why you react as you do to what truly are normal visual anomalies. Perhaps next time, think of it as something cool our bodies do without the use of psychedelics ;)

Positive thoughts

[karlwirral]

My therapist and I had such a good talk last week about the alarms in my body that are on extra high alert all the time and how reassurance is addictive. I felt so empowered. Then life kicked in. :weep: I am really struggling being alone and quarantined. It has brought my anxiety to a fever pitch. I finally decided to let myself post about this one thing so I keep myself from googling it.

I have shutter type blinds on all my windows. In one room, there are shutters on two big sets of windows on adjacent walls. These shutters are in view when I sit in my favorite chair. Most of the time, I can look at these shutters without anything strange happening, but at certain times of the day, the light hits the shutters and I see weird things. It’s sort of like movement of the various whites and grays.

I just had a full eye exam a few weeks ago. I hadn’t noticed this blind movement thing though before my appointment. My husband, who is deceased, used to tell me his eyes went funky when he looked at patterns. So, I’m hoping some of you have experienced what I’m experiencing.

Yep, I’m a reassurance junkie.

Thanks for your time. :hugs::hugs:


Hi, have you had a lazy eye orr been diagnosed with a lazy eye before? I have a lazy eye (cant see 3d etc and its just when your eyes dont work well together.

Oscillopsia it can also be brought on by misalignment of your eyes, especially if your two eyes don't work well together when receiving visual signals. Oscillopsia can result in anything from a mild blurring of lines and objects to stronger “jumping” movements, depending on the severity of the condition. I get this jumpy wavey thing from any stripe stuff even escalators etc

[Cptdebbie]

Dear SnowyGreen,
Thank you for this sweet and kind response. I’m sorry you went through the same kind of abuse I did, but I am so grateful you shared. There is a comfort in finding “kindred spirits.”

[Cptdebbie]

Dear Fishman,
Thank you so much for your response. I appreciate your kindness and understanding of my current situation. I also appreciate learning a little more about you. You are a beloved poster on this forum, and you do much good for all of us, including me. You deserve a million thank yous.

I like your idea of thinking these visual anomalies are cool. I’m going to try that.

[Cptdebbie]

Hi Karl, thank you for responding. I have not been diagnosed with either of the conditions you mention. I had a full dilated eye exam from an ophthalmologist a few weeks ago and he said my eyes were super healthy. I didn’t mention this event to him, though, as it hadn’t happened yet.

I’m afraid to google oscillopsia. I am almost 60 years old. Can it be age related?

[Lencoboy]

On a related note, anyone heard of a phenomenon called pareidolia?

It's where a person perceives random images in certain objects (e.g, faces), when they are not actually present within said objects, and are completely unintended/coincidental.

[Fishmanpa]

On a related note, anyone heard of a phenomenon called pareidolia?

It's where a person perceives random images in certain objects (e.g, faces), when they are not actually present within said objects, and are completely unintended/coincidental.

Not heard of the actual word for it but its quite common (https://www.google.com/search?q=faces+in+objects&rlz=1C1GCEA_enUS817US817&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiLyaKyqfDpAhU0ZDUKHRDQBtQQ_AUoAXoECA4QA w&biw=1366&bih=625).

Positive thoughts

[Cptdebbie]

I’ve been experimenting a bit in regards to my blinds doing a funky dance the other night. I don’t seem to have an issue unless the slats are at a certain angle. At that angle, though, there are lots of gray shadows mixed in with the white blinds and my eyes seem to have a tiny bit of trouble sorting it all out. I was tired the other night and I wonder if my eyes just couldn’t deal with the pattern.

So, rational Debbie has kicked in for the moment. Tired eyes and Venetian blinds=Cool visual effect. This visual did last a while. I looked at the blinds intermittently for the better part of an hour. However, everything else in my vision looked normal the whole time. I described the event in a symptom log I keep, but unless it becomes a regular occurrence, I’m not going to worry about it. (At least I’m going to try and not worry about it.)

[pulisa]

Debbie, I agree about the importance of "kindred spirits" and finding people who understand just how much trauma you have been through from bitter experience. Professional therapists can have a wealth of letters after their names and many qualifications but there is nothing like first hand experience and genuine empathy.

My practical advice re the blinds would be to keep the slats permanently at a level which doesn't trigger your eyes. Don't keep "testing" your eyes-guaranteed dynamite re your HA x

[Cptdebbie]

Dear Pulisa, thank you so much for responding. You were inspired!! I was just sitting here looking at my blinds. I’m going to fix that right now. :yesyes:
Best, Debbie