Bad day on the back of a bad quarter

[mark212312]

Hi All

Hope you are all safe and well :)

Had HA for over twenty year (I’m 38) and have had numerous bouts of 'concerns' over the years the point I kind of live with it and know that I’m like this but at times it will get to me like the last few weeks.

So;

twenty years ago I had my first bloody BM went to the doctor got a DRE and he diagnosed an internal pile and since then I’ve had maybe one to three bloody BM's a year always a bright red streak in a single line on the poop and paper which the Dr said was a classic sign and not to worry. About 6 months later found what I thought was a 'lump' on one of my testicles and again trotted off to the doctor to be told he couldn’t feel anything abnormal at all; this got me worried about my own sanity and I kind of put it to the back of my mind - fast forward probably about 6 years and I started having back pains and bubbles in the toilet pan when peeing - spoke with Dr Google this time (I know!!) and my mind jumped to Kidney Cancer, pain passed and with plenty of water my waterworks returned to normal.

We had kids and for the better part of eight years I had other things to worry about so no HA issues and I thought I had cracked it until last year and it hasn’t stopped since - last June my face felt heavy and sagging Dr Google again and MND came up which terrified me I was taking selfies every day to look at my face for symmetry, checking my speech patterns, looking for atrophy at the same time I had to change Dr as mine had retired went in for a check-up and my BP was 150/85 and HR of 110 I told them I’m scared of tests and Dr's and my normal BP at home is more like 127/85 and HR of 70. I've obsessed on this for the last year and finally just before lockdown I'd put it to bed; then lockdown and I’ve been able to sit looking, inspecting, researching and drinking far to much blah blah and since March I've self-diagnosed throat cancer, skin cancer, sinus cancer, pancreatic cancer MND and bowel cancer - all with a very real symptom but much more easily explained my head just doesn’t seem to want to register it...pancreatic cancer was from indigestion and wind pain after a very large curry and a bottle and a half of wine at 10pm, two days of deflatine and it was gone but a pale brown BM for three days followed so a trip to the Dr and an exam gave no concerns, MND was actually from a strained tricep after the online HIIT classes, Skin cancer is a mole I've had that hasn’t changed for a t least 4 years, throat cancer is from a filling that rubs on my cheek and bowel cancer was from my piles oozing (no blood) which I've had for the whole time I've had them and the fact i'm terrified.

I'm sick of my guts churning all the time through worry, I’m terrified of doctors and tests and when I spoke with a CBT therapist I argued with them to the point that they said to come back when I wanted to stop being so negative - I just don't know how to.....I know that if I had a blood test today or a diagnosis today that doesn’t mean I won’t get something else tomorrow and in this lies the issue I'm always looking for the problems then finding proof of terrible disease, I look at stats and posts on sites like this and know they are all classic signs of HA; why can't I accept that I may be having symptoms of the thing I've got instead of coming up with every reason to say 'well it could have changed' even when none of the symptoms actually have. I know that when I push prod and self-test it will make an area sore, yet the discomfort is confirmation of the problem I am looking for and I go into the circle of self-fulfilling prophecy.

I get the symptoms of the things I read about and can't watch shows or interviews on TV that my mind may link to, look every day for jaundice, throat issues, mole changes....its just endless; I need to accept sh** will just happen and live each day as it comes but I can't get beyond the worry of whats around the next corner!

I know this is a long post and thank you to anyone who reads it - perhaps if it resonates with anyone you can let me know how you cope and perhaps what you do to relax the mind.

Thanks in advance guys.

Mark

[BlueIris]

Hi Mark,

Have you considered medication? It sounds as though you're in a position where it might give you the breathing space you need to work on some coping strategies.

[mark212312]

A friend of mine is on some sort of meds for his but I hate popping pills (I only take one paracetamol instead of two etc) because I fear getting hooked on them too :shrug:

[BlueIris]

The vast majority of antidepressants really don't work like that. It's definitely worth going to your GP for a chat about your anxiety, in any case.

[mark212312]

Thanks - I know it’s long over due; I’m a coward when it comes to health and I’m almost shaking when I go in the place - I can’t sit I just pace up and down and feel the urge to pee haha. First thing the doctor said to me a couple of weeks ago was how healthy I looked 🤣

[pav1984]

I can only speak of my experience with antidepressants but I often forget to take them if my routine changes. That wouldn't happen if I were hooked

[BrightPhoenix]

I take antidepressants as well. I agree with the other folks here, I share your pain and I'm also about your age and gender. If you were going to CBT and the therapist suggested you need to be "ready" then you may need to see a psychiatrist who will help you get on something to control your anxiety. There's a variety of medicine that aren't the type that you see on TV with people getting addicted (You are probably thinking of benzos)

It's a matter of getting your brain to stop sending those receptors that make you think the worst whenever you have a little pain here or there.

[mark212312]

To all the Brits - at what point would you hit 111; I've convinced myself that I have pancreatic cancer; pain in my chest under ribs worse when I eat, Yellow/Tan BM for the last three days and belching... I rang the doctor last week and have an appointment for next Friday to do a full physical and blood work but I can't get that far I've had a panic attack this morning and slowly trying to calm down all day I feel I need someone to test me now because i'll have a heart attack if I don't. is A&E the best step forward and will they do the tests I need to either confirm my symptoms or calm the **** down. I know I have HA as the post above clearly shows but that doesnt mean I cant still get sick and thats what I cant get out of my mind; i'm just waiting to turn yellow or pass a clay coloured BM and its driving me round the bend.

[mark212312]

Ashamed to admit this but I let HA get the better of me and ended up in A&E last night - full blood works/urine etc and I was diagnosed with Gastritis and or Gallbladder inflimation (also told me to keep an eye on my BP, Kidneys and Liver). Positive is I can now spend the appointment next week talking about HA coping strategies rather than more bloodwork.

[mark212312]

Hi guys

Anyone who has read my last few posts will have an idea of what my HA hang ups are and the hole i'm right at the bottom of now re my PC fears, but I wanted to share with you a few pointa the Dr made in A&E on Wednesday and i'm sure anyone who has this fear will have read up and down this forum and Google and wondered if we could share some sanity checks we have learned along the way - by no means should anyone self diagnose but if we put our heads together perhaps people would be calmer about getting checked out and the rection to the bodily functions that have sent them on the road?

1. Pale BM; I specifically asked him about this as its the symptom that got me started like many on here over the years and he said they worry if the BM is large, bulky, floats, doesnt flush and is grey or white and happens more than once in a few day period - this is due to the duct being blocked - yellow or mustard colour is 80% of the time due to fast transit time and why 'curry bum' is that colour. Anxiety and stress will almost always make you have this (think about the night before a date or exam). Lack of these enzymes in your blood is also easily noted and would warrant immediate investigation (same day admission).
2. Urine; Orange urine/golden urine is not a sign for them it needs to be verging on coffee/bitter colour and is down to the bilburin build up - this would be found on a urine sample and in a blood test and is not subtle and will not go away.
3. Pain; pain is usually a later symptom of the few cases he has ever seen the presenting symptom was painless jaundice as pain comes after the mass has started pressing on nerves and other organs so with this particular nasty pain is a positive sign in absence of anything else.
4. Jaundice; He said even if I had presented with Jaundice they would not consider PC given how rare it is without other symptoms but did say it would be obvious, itching is hands and feet primarily and would be easily evident in two parts of a blood test.
5. Stats (this one is me not the Dr) ONS stats for the UK gives 0.8/100,000 risk at anyone under 40 (going down to 0.3 in twenties) 14 males 35-39 are diagnosed each year from a population of 2,188,332 which is 0.001% (general all age population male is circa 33m; 4,553 cases or 0.01% and highest incidence is 844 in the 70-74 bracket and by comparison 9,000 are diagnosed with prostate cancer 70-74 and 339 get diagnosed with testicular cancer 35-39).
6. Weight loss; in my case 4ibs in a week he attributed to my anxiety (and to be fair the only one he did) he said if you are eating smaller meals because you feel crummy and have a stress lump in your throat and chest, have fast transit i.e voiding 1 and 2 and sitting up all night reading articles/posts on terrible disease then weight loss will be a significant side effect and though it can't be ignored should be considered in context.

He commented that the modern blood tests done in A&E with anyone presenting with abdominal pain, bowel issues, jaundice symptoms etc would usually pick up flags that would give them rise to do further tests - bile production, liver function and blood jaundice etc I asked him point blank if he had any suspicions following the blood results and he said 'no' He thinks I have gastritis and told me to book in an U/S to rule out gallstones but no rush - also said don't get focused on outlier cases on the internet they get reported for a reason; they are very rare and his comment was to think about it this way - take a rare disease x it by a rare diagnostic failure rate x internet x trolls it equals some place between highly unlikely and highly unusual - it can happen of course but the stats are on your side.

I'm personally still trying to dig myself out of the hole and combating the belief they did miss something in my blood work even after I specifically mentioned what I was scared of or that he lied to me about the test results just to send me home but hopefully this helps other people on this roller coaster to cross check with what they are being told by Doctors too.

[mark212312]

He also said it takes time for the gut to recover after a big anxiety/panic attack and he would expect normality the second you start to calm down.

[Elen]

Hi

This is just a courtesy reply to let you know that your thread was merged with another of your threads.

Please when posting on similar topics add it onto your previous post rather than starting a new one.

It is nothing personal it is just to make it easier for people to follow your story and to give you advice as a whole.

Elen

[MightyPC]

Mark, I’m glad that you have been checked out and received the all clear. I’m going through something very similar and convinced now that I have a thyroid tumour or cancer and pancreatic issues. My previous posts will explain why. I brought some blood up this morning and have done on a few other occasions. This convinced me it was from my neck- throat or possibly gums, as I’ve been getting some sporadic gum bleeding. Been to the dentist the other day who confirmed I have some gum inflammation that requires some cleaning appointments but not antibiotics. My face has swelled on a few occasions and I keep getting pressure in my neck but also along my bottom jaw and right ear. I phoned GP today and demanded a face to face visit. After mentioning the blood, she agreed. She felt my neck from the front and from behind me and said that she could not feel anything sinister. She also mentioned that my thyroid bloods three weeks ago were clear and she would expect these to have showed something if there was a cancer or tumour. I mentioned that my glands felt enlarged, she never picked up on this, but said if there was lymphoma something would have raise concern in the bloods that I had. I never thought or once I had lymphoma more that the glands have become infected from the thyroid. I keep getting hoarse, and continuously clearing catarrah - mucus from my throat. I feel if I have a mass - lump in my throat and the tightness at times is so so uncomfortable, that I feel that I’m being strangled. I also have a strange sensation in my throat like a dust.

The pancreatic issue is something else. A drug trial I’m on can cause pancreatic problems as well as thyroid and kidney issues, the latter being something that has flagged up, microscopic blood and protein. My tummy now bloated and is solid after food or drink in the upper part where the organs are. Stools are at times floating, difficult to flush and the water is yellow. There also mark the pain - sorry for being graphic. However, the bad pain I had, loss of appetite, noisy churning and bubbling, diarrhoea has passed, so I’m going on the right direction. Of course I do wonder if I have PC but would imagine this is extremely painful. I lost a lot of weight quickly but After jumping on the scales this morning have have put some back on, Strangely enough, I am not eating too healthy now either which is strange for me, in that I’m not eating a lot of veg which I love. So, back to the veg, eating well and to try and take some solace in what the Dr said, despite thinking the tests were three weeks ago and things could have changed. I have a check up with the trial team on Tuesday and know that if anything is a drift they will find it as they are very thorough. Just unfortunate that they were deployed to the Covid fight so I have not had any contact for the past 3 months.

[Scass]

I’m glad you are a bit happier Mark.
I have/had gastritis too, it’s quite common.
The gallstones ultrasound is quick & painless too, my partner had it done and it only took a few minutes.

Anxiety is tough, especially when you need to break the spiral. I wish you luck talking to your GP about it, try to be as honest and frank as possible.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[mark212312]

Totally melting down at the moment and feel so trapped and alone; Ended up on to 111 (non urgent NHS helpline for non-uk members) and needed diazepam - not slept more than three hours a night in the last week and dont want to eat so losing weight which is in turn 'showing me' the very symptoms i'm terrified of. I'm booked to see a consultant gastro on Wednesday and NHS are organising a Ultrasound but everything is moving so slowly and I'm scared by the time I'm diagnosed i'll be lucky to have six weeks! The fear is getting in the way of work and is the first thing I wake up to and last thing I think of before bed. Everyone just keeps saying i'm to young but that meaningless if I dont have a diagnosis of something else - anyone else gone through this before how did you manage the panic?

[mark212312]

Not sure if anyone is following this thread but its helping me feel a bit better to write everything down as I go along...

Weight has dropped down another ib so gone from 14st last Wednesday to 13,11 today obviously still look fine and if anything i'm still overweight but I feel thinner and its not helping my state of mind. Seeing the consultant gastro tomorrow evening and I'm sure he will order a scan of some sort (even if its only to make sure) also the NHS have booked in an ultrasound following my A&E visit for 2 August, I just know I can't wait that long I feel I need to know one way or the other so I can get on with treatment or get on with fixing the HA that would have 100% got me for real if this turns out to be in my head because everything feels so real.

Spoke to a councillor yesterday who put some things in perspective - main message worrying about things you can't control however horrible won't make them better or go away; sound advice but he isn't the one looking at have a six month life expectency (if your lucky) should you wait around to long.

So scared right now all I can play out is telling my kids I may not be here for Christmas and its killing me inside i'm 38 and I want to see my grand children :(

I pray for strengh and luckily my family are very supportive I just feel so exhausted and failed by how long these appointments take to make.

[mark212312]

23.7 update

Went to see the consultant yesterday evening and he isn't concerned; did a physical exam and is pretty sure its a stomach issue given bloods came back fine twice last week. He asked about when the pain starts and how it feels in between i.e. more pain when I eat that subsides into 'awareness' between meals. Thinks the weight loss and BM are down to a stress reaction giving me mild IBS he even explained how 'fight or flight' causes the body to void in order to run faster - fine if its a one time event but if you live in that panic space then your body goes haywire. Long and short of it is that he is booking in an Ultrasound, CT, Endo but was clear to say that he would be just as happy not to and is doing it so that he can be 100% certain (instead of 99.9%) its nothing nasty.

Just got to wait (again) to book them in....

[mark212312]

24.7

U/S and CT booked for next Wednesday - first symptoms to testing in 7 weeks; hopefully the results will follow quickly i'm literally going out of my mind thinking i'm missing out on vital treatment.

[mark212312]

29.7

CT with contrast done and Ultrasound; clean U/S so now it’s just the waiting on the results of the CT; my nerves are shot!

[BrightPhoenix]

Jumping late into this thread Mark, I also have gastritis. Leaving it untreated *sucks* for us - I was having nights where I'd wake up *feeling bile go into the back of my throat almost like it was going into my ears*. I'd run to the bathroom expecting to puke and absolutely nothing happened.

It was the most unpleasant pain and suffering. Then I had times where I'd be constantly trying to talk and I'd feel the bile just hang out near the end of my throat.

How are you doing man? Keep posted - every thread like this where you have good reassurance is documentation for those in the future who have the same worries!

[mark212312]

Hi BrightPhoenix

Thanks for the comment - still waiting on the CT results (i'm hoping no news is good news but we shall see) weight has gone back to normal, same with appetite and BM and the pain seems to be subsiding a lot which is great so I feel better in myself.

If its bad news then I need to get on with it - if its good I need to get on with it so i'll update when I know more and keep praying for strengh :)

[mark212312]

So, by way of update I got the confirmed results of the Ultrasound and the CT (with contrast) and both came back normal - so after 4 doctors, 2 blood tests, 2 ultrasounds and the CT I think I can draw a line under the concerns I've had and start looking for ways to solve my HA issues. Appreciate the support ans comments of the users here as they have been very supportive and helpful.

[Redsmum]

So, by way of update I got the confirmed results of the Ultrasound and the CT (with contrast) and both came back normal - so after 4 doctors, 2 blood tests, 2 ultrasounds and the CT I think I can draw a line under the concerns I've had and start looking for ways to solve my HA issues. Appreciate the support ans comments of the users here as they have been very supportive and helpful.

Thats such good news Mark really pleased to hear it. This HA is no laughing matter is it, not only is it so stressful & worrisome its very time consuming as well, hope you can find some peace of mind now. Take care

[LilyPad1991]

Hi Mark,

This thread was so helpful, thank you for giving updates. I’m having a bit of a crap time at the moment with a combination of things but I’m pretty sure health anxiety is playing a significant role. It’s pretty rare for someone to come back onto a forum and let people know how they got on so it really means a lot. I hope you’re doing better.