My citalopram diary - July 2020

[Sparkle1984]

In the last 3 weeks or so, my anxiety has come back at full force and it's been so overwhelming that the techniques I learnt at therapy 5 years ago are no longer having much effect. As a result, I reluctantly decided to go back on citalopram again, after being off it completely for a year.

During the first few months of 2020, I felt like I was coping fairly well, in spite of the coronavirus pandemic and lockdown.

It was around May that things started to get more difficult for me. I've been working from home since mid-March and at first I thought I would prefer it, but I haven't enjoyed it as much as I thought I would. The longer it's gone on, the worse I feel. However, that was more like mild depression than the anxiety I've been feeling for the last 3 weeks.

The theme of my anxiety is a bit different from my last major episode in 2015 - I'm getting quite a lot of intrusive thoughts about mistakes I've made in the past and near-misses I've had, even from several years ago, and I catastrophise over how they could have turned out worse (even though they had no real negative effects at the time).

Day 1 - Thursday 30th July

I felt anxious when I went to bed last night. I feel like I didn't sleep very well - as if I was only half asleep and I kept waking up every hour or so. I woke up a long time before my alarm feeling panicky. I made the decision to call the doctor.

I went to work as normal - I felt a bit calmer as I knew help was on the way. Doctor called about 3pm. Back on my medication, 10mg then review in 3 weeks. He also recommended the Live Life to the Full website. I took the first tablet after tea, at about 4.30pm. My 2 nieces and my eldest niece's boyfriend then came round and sat in the garden with us. My eldest niece told us more about her recent mental health experiences and recommended her therapist to me. I looked up the therapist online and she sounds very good.

I had a good group support chat on Turn2me.ie, much better than last week. Ordered a Buddy Box from the Blurt Foundation so I have something to look forward to if the side effects get bad next week.

I've felt in a lighter mood tonight and less anxious this evening. The intrusive thoughts seem to be more in the background and less in the forefront of my mind.

Day 2 - Friday 31st July

I think I slept a bit better last night. I still did my work today (I've been working from home since mid-March) as I haven't had any really serious side effects yet and still felt able to concentrate.

In the evening, I noticed a slight increase in my anxiety and the negative thoughts have been a bit more intrusive than they were yesterday. I also noticed I had a fast heartbeat in the early part of the evening, and after I had taken my second tablet, I noticed that my thighs were a bit tensed up later in the evening.

To try and take my mind off things, I watched a film on Amazon Prime (I chose the Horrible Histories movie as I wanted something fairly light-hearted and easy to follow). I could still feel the negative thoughts in the back of my mind, and every so often they came to the forefront of my mind, but I still enjoyed watching the film more than I thought I would.

I'm pleased it's the weekend now so I don't have the pressure of work. I expect the side effects will start to kick in more in the coming days.

[Sparkle1984]

Day 3

I'm pleasantly surprised that my side effects so far aren't as bad as they were the previous times I took citalopram. All I've noticed so far is muscle tension in my thighs and occasional twitching in my toes (both of which i experienced last time around). I haven't lost my appetite yet, either. Maybe I won't get such bad side effects this time round as my body is more used to the medication?

I slept pretty well last night. Again, the anxious thoughts seem to be more in the background and I'm finding it a bit easier to challenge them. I felt reasonably able to concentrate on the things I enjoy, such as reading a magazine and watching one of my favourite programmes.

[Sparkle1984]

Day 4

I noticed some heightened anxiety today. In the morning and afternoon I noticed some more intrusive thoughts - for example while I was on Facebook I saw a post about a hotel I stayed in nearly 20 years ago. I decided to click through and have a look for nostalgia's sake. There were some beautiful pictures but i kept getting intrusive thoughts that there would be no point in me going on holiday now because I'd be too anxious & depressed to enjoy it properly!

Later in the afternoon I made a start on the Living Life to the Full course my doctor recommended me. After that, I played some of the games in the No More Panic arcade. This helped to take my mind off the negativity for a while. In the early evening I cooked one of my favourite meals - sweet chilli chicken with rice. I enjoyed it but at the start of the meal I noticed my heart had begun beating fast for no apparent reason, and I was also getting anxious thoughts about whether I will fully recover this time around. The fast heartbeat carried on for nearly a couple of hours then gradually died down. I often feel calmer later in the evening.

Another thing I've noticed in the last few days (although I also had this during my last major anxiety episode 5 years ago - it was actually worse then) is that if I'm laughing at a joke or something, immediately after I laugh I start to remember my anxiety, almost as if I'm feeling guilty for laughing.

[panic_down_under]

Maybe I won't get such bad side effects this time round as my body is more used to the medication?


Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that and can go the other way. This is one of those times when it pays to just be grateful for small mercies and not look too closely at horses' dental work.


Another thing I've noticed in the last few days (although I also had this during my last major anxiety episode 5 years ago - it was actually worse then) is that if I'm laughing at a joke or something, immediately after I laugh I start to remember my anxiety, almost as if I'm feeling guilty for laughing.

The thing I'm mostly getting from your posts is you're over analysing everything. This rarely helps, ime. Just the opposite. Better to just accept things are going to be out of the norm for a while and to shrug them off as much as you can. They are unlikely to be of any significance.

[Sparkle1984]

Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that and can go the other way. This is one of those times when it pays to just be grateful for small mercies and not look too closely at horses' dental work.



The thing I'm mostly getting from your posts is you're over analysing everything. This rarely helps, ime. Just the opposite. Better to just accept things are going to be out of the norm for a while and to shrug them off as much as you can. They are unlikely to be of any significance.

Thanks for your comments. I know I was probably being over-optimistic when I said that maybe the side effects won't be as bad this time as I've been on the tablets several times before. Last time I started citalopram 5 years ago, the side effects were quite a bit more severe than the first time around. It's also true that I have a tendency to over-analyse things.

Day 5

The day started off well - I got quite a good night's sleep and first thing in the morning, I felt almost like my normal self. However, in the afternoon and evening, I felt the heightened anxiety start up again, with my usual physical symptoms. I also thought back to a couple of my previous anxiety episodes 7 and 8 years ago - back then, I was just a few months away from turning 30, and I was terrified about that, as a common theme of my anxiety is existential themes such as getting older, death and dying. However, when I actually turned 30, it wasn't that bad after all - it was as if the anticipation was worse than the actual event. If anything, I actually feel healthier in my 30s than I did in my 20s, as I eat more healthily and exercise more than I did back then. Anyway, I had some intrusive thoughts along the lines of "if I was anxious about turning 30 all those years ago, what if I also get the same sort of anxiety about turning 40?" It is still 3 and a half years until I turn 40, though. I guess I'm finding it scary because 40 is pretty much middle age and your life is likely to be half over! I'm trying to challenge these thoughts by telling myself that my health is more important than a number - I guess it's better to be a fit and active 40 year old, than a very unhealthy/unfit 25 year old?

[panic_down_under]

what if I also get the same sort of anxiety about turning 40?" It is still 3 and a half years until I turn 40, though. I guess I'm finding it scary because 40 is pretty much middle age and your life is likely to be half over!

Wait until you get to 70 and have already gone several rounds with the reaper. :ohmy: I've done much more useful things with my life and enjoyed it far more since I turned 40 than I had before. :yahoo:

I think you're focussed on the wrong thing. Yes, you will die one day. It is as much a part of life as breathing. You can't change it so what is the point of worrying about it. If anything that will just hasten the day as stress is by far humanity's most dangerous affliction for it often sets in train the diseases which take us out.

Life is all about the journey, not the destination and this is true irrespective of what you believe the destination is. The way I see it there are only two types of people, those busy living and those busy dying, already half dead as they trudge through their existence. You can either half live in the shadow of death, or out in the sunlight fully embracing life. Instead of brooding about the end wring every nanosecond of joy you can out of being alive while you have the chance. The rest will take care of itself.

Everyone dies, but not everyone truly lives. Don't be one of the half alive/half dead people!

My motto: Really live, do good, be happy, die loved and with few regrets. If I manage that I won't have much to complain about at the end.


"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a ride!"

Hunter S. Thompson

[Sparkle1984]

Thanks - rationally I know you are correct and there is no point in worrying about something that's inevitable and probably won't happen for many years anyway. It's just that in the early weeks of starting medication, the anxious thoughts are so strong that it's often difficult for me to counteract them, even though deep down I realise they are irrational.

Day 6 has been quite tough. So far, I've still been "going" to work. I've put "going" in inverted commas because I'm still working from home due to the coronavirus pandemic (it's currently company policy). When I got up at 7am this morning to get ready to start work at 8am, I felt really drowsy, and this drowsiness lingered until lunchtime. Even then, it didn't go away completely. I've also still been getting heightened anxiety, and in the last hour or so, I've felt a headache coming on. I plan to have an early night tonight, and see how I feel in the morning. If I feel bad or worse than I did today, I can call my doctor to be signed off from work - he actually did offer to do that when I started the tablets last week, but I wanted to wait to see how I feel.

I have been trying to keep myself occupied by doing my usual hobbies in the evenings, for example watching my favourite TV programmes. Also this evening I ordered a couple more Claire Weekes books about anxiety - I read the original book during my last major anxiety episode 5 years ago and found it helpful, so I thought I would buy some of the follow-on books.

[Sparkle1984]

Day 7 - Today started off reasonably calm, but my anxiety got a bit worse in the afternoon. During my lunch break I was scrolling through Twitter and I saw a tweet from a woman whose husband died suddenly of a heart attack - he was only in his late 30s and they have a young child. I think this triggered some negative thoughts.

In the evening after work and dinner, in order to get out of the house I decided to go for a walk around the block with my mum and step dad. It was the area where my grandmother lives rather than our own neighbourhood, as we wanted a change of scenery. I did get some intrusive thoughts during the walk - Mum mentioned that one of my grandmother's friend's husband who lives in the neighbourhood had died and that she is now living on her own, so I think that also triggered my anxiety.

[Sparkle1984]

Day 8 - I managed to get a lot done during my working hours today and feel a sense of accomplishment. Again, my anxiety got worse in the late afternoon/early evening after having my dinner. I suspect this is because my mind has more time to ruminate on intrusive thoughts once I've finished work for the day?

I only get these intrusive morbid/existential thoughts a lot when I'm going through an anxiety/depression episode. When I'm mentally well, I rarely get those kinds of thoughts and when I do, I find it much easier to dismiss them.

Today, during my period of heightened anxiety in the early evening, I had intrusive thoughts like "What if I don't fully recover this time around? The last time I had a major anxiety episode was 5 years ago, and I was a bit younger then". When scrolling through Facebook this evening I came across a post where residents of a nursing home were giving words of wisdom to the younger generations. The residents were nearly all in their late 80s or even 90s. Rationally, I know it's a really nice idea but I kept getting intrusive thoughts thinking how sad it is for these people that they are so old and are probably going to die soon, and many of them are probably already in poor health or in pain. It seems kind of weird writing that, because the rational side of me can see that they all looked happy and at peace - they have probably had happy, long lives and they are at peace with the next phase.

Earlier this evening I also felt physical sensations such as muscle tension in my thighs and nausea in my stomach.

As for the positive aspects of today, the BuddyBox I ordered a week ago arrived, so I will be able to use the contents to help me relax over the weekend. The Claire Weekes books I ordered also arrived today. About an hour ago, I had an Epsom salt bath while listening to a Calm "loving kindness" meditation and that helped calm me down a bit.

[panic_down_under]

I was scrolling through Twitter and I saw a tweet from a woman whose husband died suddenly of a heart attack - he was only in his late 30s

The good news is SSRIs reduce heart attack and ischaemic (blocking) stroke risk a little (but slightly increase it for the much less common haemorrhagic stroke). Blood platelets are normally chock full of serotonin which is released into wounds to constrict the blood vessel and help block the breech. The platelets have the same serotonin transporter proteins as are found in neurons to scavenge serotonin from the bloodstream. Serotoninergic ADs inhibit platelet transporters as efficiently as they do in the brain which reduces the amount of serotonin in the platelets causing a reduction in blood coagulation. While this is usually a positive effect caution is needed when taking blood 'thinners' such as aspirin and other NSAID (https://www.medicinenet.com/nonsteroidal_antiinflammatory_drugs/article.htm) painkillers. Occasionally use for a day or two is probably okay, but if a painkiller is needed for a longer period then paracetamol, aka acetaminophen, is the better option.


Earlier this evening I also felt physical sensations such as muscle tension in my thighs and nausea in my stomach.

The most serotonergic organ of the body isn't the brain, it is only a minor maker and user, but the gut which produces about 50 times more serotonin so may be more effected by ADs hence the nausea (and sometimes diarrhoea, or constipation). Ginger and/or vitamin B6 supplements may ease the nausea.

[Sparkle1984]

Thanks - whenever I'm in pain I do prefer to take paracetamol rather than aspirin or ibuprofen.

Day 9 - I would say that today has been the toughest day since I restarted citalopram. I woke up at 5.30am feeling panicky and I couldn't get back to sleep even though I didn't need to be awake until 7am. I felt so on-edge that I asked my step dad to comfort me - he has never had anxiety disorder before so he can't fully relate, but he tries his best to be supportive. Even while I was working today, I felt constantly on the edge of panic. The work I was doing wasn't particularly stressful or out of the ordinary in anyway, so I think it is the heightened anxiety that I usually get in the first few weeks of starting citalopram. I was getting both physical symptoms and intrusive thoughts. My loss of appetite got worse today - it took me longer than normal to eat my breakfast, and I left about a third of my evening meal. Even when I have hunger pangs I don't feel like eating much at the moment. To make matters worse, it was also the hottest day of the year so far today - the temperature peaked at 34 degrees! After dinner, I felt a bit more relaxed knowing that my working week is finally over, and I laid on the sofa with a fan blowing on me. It was mainly blowing hot air, but it was better than nothing.

In the evening I sat outside in the back garden on the patio, by the fish pond. This helped me relax a little bit. I also read some more of my Claire Weekes book - I can relate to a lot of it so far.

[Sparkle1984]

Day 10 - After the awful day I had yesterday, I would say that today is the best day I've had since I restarted the tablets. I slept well last night - I must have had at least 9 hours of sleep and I felt far fewer physical anxiety symptoms than I have done during the week. Also, my intrusive thoughts were more in the background.

Tonight I went to a barbecue round my sister's house with my immediate family. We also played some fun games like Connect 4 and charades. This also helped to take my mind off things. I originally turned down the invitation, thinking I wouldn't enjoy myself, but now I'm really glad I did go.

[Sparkle1984]

Day 11 - today wasn't quite as good as yesterday - I had some intrusive thoughts and a racing heartbeat in the afternoon, but I did everything I wanted to do. I slept well again last night, like yesterday, and in the late morning we decided to try out a new village walk. Unfortunately the guidebook was a bit out of date and we couldn't find the full route, and the walk wasn't quite as interesting as we thought it would be, but I'm glad we at least tried it. We then stopped off at one of my favourite cafés for a takeaway milkshake and cake on the way home.

Overall I don't think today was as good as yesterday, but I still think it's better than many of the previous days I've had this week.

[Sparkle1984]

Today was an OK day - maybe not as good as Saturday but better than yesterday, although I was working today. I only had one period in the early evening when I was getting a few intrusive thoughts - sometimes I find that I go through events in the past, before my relapse (even happy or neutral events) and ask myself if I really was happy and relaxed back then. I know this is over-analysing, and I'm looking at those previous events through grey-tinted glasses. This habit only increases my anxiety.

[Sparkle1984]

Day 13 - unfortunately today wasn't so good, but I still think it was better than Friday. I woke up at 4.30am (it was actually still dark outside) and I didn't manage to get back to sleep for about an hour. During the working day I felt tired and also hot and bothered as we're currently facing very high temperatures and humidity (at least by UK standards!) Working from home in these temperatures is difficult - at least there is air conditioning at the office. I could feel myself sweating and there was one point in the afternoon when I felt my head suddenly jolt forward a bit, and I was afraid I was going to faint or pass out, but thankfully I didn't. I was also having more physical anxiety and intrusive thoughts today, and also felt rather low. I kept thinking "will I recover this time around, or are my best days already behind me?" I have to remind myself that I had those thoughts during my previous anxiety episodes in past years, but I always recovered.

After dinner in the evening I had a cool shower, so at least this helped me cool down, if only for a few minutes. I also had a choc ice which helped cool me down. Later in the evening I watched a TV programme I recorded a few weeks ago, and read some more of my book. I sat in the garden for a few minutes to cool down later in the evening - it is still really hot indoors.

[Sparkle1984]

Day 14 - I'm having a really tough time at the moment, and since last night I've actually been feeling the worst I have since restarting citalopram, worse than Friday last week.

Last night I felt so panicky and had so many intrusive anxious thoughts that I couldn't sleep - whenever I felt like I was about to fall asleep, I would jolt awake again. It was very frustrating and this made my anxiety even worse, as I started worrying about what would happen if I didn't sleep! I could feel my heart pounding so fast and also felt nauseous. This morning I still felt so panicky and it took me a long time to eat my breakfast as my appetite had gone down again.

I've since continued to feel so awful today, worrying about whether I'll ever get better and whether my best days of life are already behind me! The unbearably hot weather and humidity in the east of England has been making me feel worse as well.

I called the doctor again this morning, explaining how I feel, and I've been signed off sick from work for the next 2 weeks. During the day today I've been trying to get to sleep but I haven't managed to sleep for more than a few minutes.

I feel frustrated because I had a fairly good day on Saturday and thought that my anxiety was starting to get better, so this feels like a big setback, but I'm always very up and down for the first few weeks on citalopram. I slept well at the weekend, so it seems strange that I'm starting to have more trouble sleeping now.

It was my Mum's birthday today, so we've had several family members around this evening. My sister said several things to reassure me, and she also said that I can call or go round when I want, and we will try to arrange some outings together.

[Sparkle1984]

Day 15 - today has been much better than yesterday. I slept OK last night - I had some chamomile and lavender herbal tea before bed, and also added some water to my air cooler. Thankfully today hasn't been quite so hot.

In the morning, I had an Epsom salt bath and I felt more at ease afterwards. I looked through some old photos on my phone, and I didn't get those intrusive thoughts questioning whether I was really happy/calm in those days. Then I watched a programme on Amazon Prime, and in the afternoon I played Trivial Pursuit on the Nintendo Wii with my step-dad. I also arranged to go round my sister's for a curry on Saturday night, so that's something for me to look forward to.

I haven't had many physical anxiety symptoms today, and the intrusive thoughts have been more in the background.

[Sparkle1984]

Day 16 - I don’t think today was quite as good as yesterday as I had quite a lot of intrusive thoughts and I also felt a bit tearful. My period just started so I think that could have made things worse. It was still better than Wednesday, though.

I kept myself occupied by watching funny YouTube videos and my nieces came round in the evening - they have also recently been going through anxiety-related illnesses, so we shared our experiences.

I also spoke to a couple of my online friends about my anxiety - they were both very understanding and I felt relieved to have told them.

[Aleman200]

Thank you for keeping this up Sparkle! As someone who's about to be on the same journey it's nice to see how it's affected you and it seems to be getting better slowly, but surely.

[Sparkle1984]

Thank you for keeping this up Sparkle! As someone who's about to be on the same journey it's nice to see how it's affected you and it seems to be getting better slowly, but surely.

Thanks. I do feel that overall, things are slightly better than they were before starting the meds, but I think I still have a long way to go. In particular, I'm still getting a lot more intrusive thoughts than I would like.

Day 17 - I think today was about the same as yesterday: a fairly mediocre day. The day started off fairly badly but things improved as the day progressed. I slept fairly well again, but I had a couple of bad dreams just before I woke up, which gave me an unsettled start to the day. The first bad dream was about my favourite teddy bear (which has sentimental value) falling apart, and the second dream was that I was walking around a supermarket on holiday when an old song I used to like popped into my head - I then realised that the song was 16 years old and this made me feel panicky as I got a "where has all the time gone, am I going to run out of time?!" type of feeling.

Later in the morning, I thought I would watch some films on Amazon Prime. I decided to watch In Time as it came up on my watch list and I enjoyed it when I saw it at the cinema when it first came out in 2011. This was a big mistake - the last thing I need right now is dystopian sci-fi films, and it fed into my current intrusive thoughts about the passing of time and death. I think I will stick to comedies for the time being. Spoiler alert - in the first half hour of the In Time film, there is a really upsetting scene where the lead character's mother dies, and what makes it even sadder is that he was just a few seconds away from being able to save her life. I don't often cry at films, and even when I do, it's silent weeping, but I remember when I saw that scene in the cinema back in 2011, I was so distressed I had to gulp down some water as I was afraid I was going to start sobbing loudly in front of everyone! And that was over half a year before I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression in 2012.

Later in the afternoon, I started an online programming tutorial. This gave me more of a sense of achievement.

In the evening, I went round my sister's for a curry, cooked by her husband. It was very nice and I had a good time - we played Connect 4 and Monopoly after dinner. My niece also gave me a copy of a book she had about overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts. From what I've read so far, I think it will be helpful.

I think I need to be kinder to myself and not push myself to do things that might trigger my anxiety during these early stages of recovery - if I want to watch a film, I will stick to comedies or something light-hearted for now, rather than disaster movies, dystopian end-of-the-world sci-fis etc.

[Sparkle1984]

Day 18 - in terms of anxiety levels, I think today was about the same as yesterday. I feel like im not getting quite as many physical symptoms as I used to - it's mainly the unwanted intrusive thoughts that are the problem now. When the thoughts get more intense, I do still notice a fair amount of uptick in the physical symptoms, though. I also still feel tearful and down at times.

Thankfully I don't recall having any bad dreams last night, and I slept well again. In the afternoon I watched a couple of comedies on Amazon Prime - I still got some intrusive thoughts but not as badly as I did yesterday when I was watching the dystopian In Time film. I then sat outside for an hour, then had my roast dinner. By about 7pm, the intrusive thoughts began to settle down just a little, thankfully.

[Sparkle1984]

Day 19 (yesterday) - in terms of anxiety levels was the same as the previous couple of days. I'm still getting a lot of intrusive thoughts and feeling low. Yesterday I was mainly doing errands such as online shopping, emailing my doctor's certificate to my manager at work, contacting my new therapist for the first time to find out about appointment availability, etc.

Day 20 - today I woke up a couple of hours earlier than expected, with my intrusive thoughts about death and dying. A lot of the books I've read say it's not the actual content of the thoughts that scares you, it's your reaction to them. But then I get doubts saying "what if I am actually scared about dying? It's inevitable and there's no way around it, so does that mean my anxiety will never go?" Then that leads on to the intrusive thought that I'll never recover from this episode. :(

This afternoon, I'm going for a walk on the beach with my mum and sister, so hopefully that will help cheer me up.

[Aleman200]

Day 19 (yesterday) - in terms of anxiety levels was the same as the previous couple of days. I'm still getting a lot of intrusive thoughts and feeling low. Yesterday I was mainly doing errands such as online shopping, emailing my doctor's certificate to my manager at work, contacting my new therapist for the first time to find out about appointment availability, etc.

Day 20 - today I woke up a couple of hours earlier than expected, with my intrusive thoughts about death and dying. A lot of the books I've read say it's not the actual content of the thoughts that scares you, it's your reaction to them. But then I get doubts saying "what if I am actually scared about dying? It's inevitable and there's no way around it, so does that mean my anxiety will never go?" Then that leads on to the intrusive thought that I'll never recover from this episode. :(

This afternoon, I'm going for a walk on the beach with my mum and sister, so hopefully that will help cheer me up.


How did your walk on the beach go sparkle? I hope things calmed down for you, I'm also struggling to deal with the intrusive thoughts of the same subject, but from a Health Anxiety perspective. I've watched a few videos on them and most people seem to say to just let the thoughts be and don't pay attention to them. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done.

I hope tomorrow is a better day!

[Sparkle1984]

Thanks Aleman! I enjoyed my afternoon at the beach, even though the negative thoughts were always in the background. We sat on the beach for just over an hour and also had a paddle in the sea, then we went to a café where they do huge slices of cake! It was my first time there and I had salted caramel cake and a vanilla milkshake.

The afternoon out did cheer me up, but by the evening I felt on edge again and my intrusive thoughts were coming through more strongly. I didn't sleep so well last night due to the heightened anxiety, and I also kept having nightmares about dying. Even though I'm anxious about death (even via old age, despite knowing I likely have several decades to go), when the depression side kicks in, I get thoughts about everything in life being pointless as we're all going to end up dying anyway!

I have an initial appointment with my new therapist this afternoon. I think that has also been on my mind, as I keep thinking I hope she will be understanding of my issues and be able to help me. In some ways, the intrusive thoughts are actually worse than when I started the citalopram almost 3 weeks ago, so I'm hoping she won't say I'll need more time to settle down before she feels able to help me. Tomorrow, I also have my 3 week review with the doctor, so I will mention the intrusive thoughts and nightmares to him.

[Aleman200]

Thanks Aleman! I enjoyed my afternoon at the beach, even though the negative thoughts were always in the background. We sat on the beach for just over an hour and also had a paddle in the sea, then we went to a café where they do huge slices of cake! It was my first time there and I had salted caramel cake and a vanilla milkshake.

The afternoon out did cheer me up, but by the evening I felt on edge again and my intrusive thoughts were coming through more strongly. I didn't sleep so well last night due to the heightened anxiety, and I also kept having nightmares about dying. Even though I'm anxious about death (even via old age, despite knowing I likely have several decades to go), when the depression side kicks in, I get thoughts about everything in life being pointless as we're all going to end up dying anyway!

I have an initial appointment with my new therapist this afternoon. I think that has also been on my mind, as I keep thinking I hope she will be understanding of my issues and be able to help me. In some ways, the intrusive thoughts are actually worse than when I started the citalopram almost 3 weeks ago, so I'm hoping she won't say I'll need more time to settle down before she feels able to help me. Tomorrow, I also have my 3 week review with the doctor, so I will mention the intrusive thoughts and nightmares to him.

That's great to hear! I hope your dr appointment and your therapist appointment went well!

[Sparkle1984]

My therapy appointment went well - I found the therapist kind and understanding. We were mainly discussing my background with anxiety, and what factors could have led to it. At the next session, I should be able to start learning new techniques for dealing with my anxiety.

Unfortunately, the review appointment with my doctor didn't go ahead today after all. When I called the surgery this morning, they said my usual doctor isn't in today, and they are only dealing with emergencies today, so I'll need to call back tomorrow. I was disappointed as I just wanted to get the dose increase to 20mg over and done with.

Overall, I think today was ever so slightly better than yesterday, in terms of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. The bad thing is that roadworks started outside my house today and they will be going on for several more days. It's very noisy and not ideal when I'm already sensitised and tired due to my anxiety.

I found that watching films (even comedies) doesn't seem to help with my anxiety, so today I decided to play some online games instead, to help keep my mind active. I was using the Facebook Gaming app, which enables you to play quizzes and games with your friends. I find it more helpful than watching films.

[Sparkle1984]

Day 22 - today was one of my better days for a while. I still had quite a few intrusive thoughts but I haven't felt quite so low and hopeless today. I slept reasonably well last night.

I felt like some of my motivation had come back, so I read a couple of chapters of an IT book.

I had my review appointment with my doctor today - it went well and he agreed that I can increase my dose to 20mg. I took my first 20mg dose just after dinner.

The doctor also said I should do more exercise again (like I did a few months ago before I lost my motivation and my anxiety got bad again). So a couple of hours ago I did about 12 minutes on the treadmill. However, afterwards I noticed I felt a bit more anxious again - I'm not sure if this is due to the exercise or the early effects of the increased dose?

[panic_down_under]

So a couple of hours ago I did about 12 minutes on the treadmill. However, afterwards I noticed I felt a bit more anxious again - I'm not sure if this is due to the exercise or the early effects of the increased dose?

It could be either, but it is a little more likely be the higher dose. In both cases it should settle down as the body adapts.

Exercise is good not only for the physical benefits, but it also enhances hippocampal neurogenesis to some extent.

[Aleman200]

Day 22 - today was one of my better days for a while. I still had quite a few intrusive thoughts but I haven't felt quite so low and hopeless today. I slept reasonably well last night.

I felt like some of my motivation had come back, so I read a couple of chapters of an IT book.

I had my review appointment with my doctor today - it went well and he agreed that I can increase my dose to 20mg. I took my first 20mg dose just after dinner.

The doctor also said I should do more exercise again (like I did a few months ago before I lost my motivation and my anxiety got bad again). So a couple of hours ago I did about 12 minutes on the treadmill. However, afterwards I noticed I felt a bit more anxious again - I'm not sure if this is due to the exercise or the early effects of the increased dose?

I'm glad to hear the increase wasn't too bad, I believe it's going to be down to the increse rather than the excercise as I personally tend to feel a bit better after a walk (Albeit still anxious but still). I'm hoping to go back up to 20mg providing it's safe and acceptable in 3 weeks time.

[Sparkle1984]

Thanks - I agree the increased anxiety was probably more to do with the increased dose than the exercise.

Yesterday and today (so far) have been reasonable days. I walked to the pharmacy about mid-day yesterday to pick up my 20mg prescription (I've been taking 2 of the 10mg tablets and will do so until they're used up). This also helped me to get my daily dose of exercise!

I did notice some tight-chestedness yesterday afternoon and evening, but it calmed down as the day wore on. My intrusive thoughts were more in the background - and while I was busy with other things in the evening, I even had a couple of moments where I forgot about my anxiety and my thoughts, if only for a few minutes. :) That's the first time I've experienced that so far during this anxiety episode, so it gives me hope I can get better. Also, in the last day or so, that all-pervasive sense of hopelessness seems to have lifted quite a bit.

When I get the intrusive thoughts about dying, I'm finding it a bit easier to challenge them. I remind myself that I'm young and physically healthy and that I probably have several decades ahead of me.

Sometimes I still get a sense of dysphoria about my age - I'm 36 but I feel like I should still be in my early 30s rather than my mid 30s. I feel like the 4 years from 2016-2019 inclusive have gone fairly quickly, but that's probably because I was mentally healthy during those years and I enjoyed them (I was stable on citalopram then from my last major anxiety episode in 2015). However, I have always had a sense of dysphoria about my age - for example when I was in my late 20s, I felt like I should still be in my early 20s, when I was in my early 20s I felt like I should still be a teenager, but when I turned 13 I often wished I was still 12, as that was the cut-off point for some of the childhood activities I used to enjoy. I can still clearly remember having my photo taken with a box of chocolates when I was 8 years old, and I remember feeling too old, like I thought I should still be 5 or 6! It's quite strange - I'm not sure if this ties in with my Asperger's/autism. Also, people have always said I look much younger than I really am (which I'm pleased about). Whenever I feel like I should be younger, I have to remind myself that I was lucky to be a child in the late 80s and 90s and see the development of technology and the internet first hand. If I had been born a decade later, I wouldn't have known what the world was like before the internet became widespread.

Today I went for a walk with my mum around the local area. We walked along some paths I'd never been down before, even though I've lived here all my life! They were shortcut woodland paths connecting different roads. For tomorrow, I've arranged with my sister to go back to the beach we went to on Tuesday last week. So I have that to look forward to.

Another thing I forgot to mention is that last night I noticed one of my teeth seems to have changed shape, as if a piece has been chipped off. Thankfully it doesn't hurt at all. I'm always very sensitive to any changes in my body like this.

[Aleman200]

Thanks - I agree the increased anxiety was probably more to do with the increased dose than the exercise.

Yesterday and today (so far) have been reasonable days. I walked to the pharmacy about mid-day yesterday to pick up my 20mg prescription (I've been taking 2 of the 10mg tablets and will do so until they're used up). This also helped me to get my daily dose of exercise!

I did notice some tight-chestedness yesterday afternoon and evening, but it calmed down as the day wore on. My intrusive thoughts were more in the background - and while I was busy with other things in the evening, I even had a couple of moments where I forgot about my anxiety and my thoughts, if only for a few minutes. :) That's the first time I've experienced that so far during this anxiety episode, so it gives me hope I can get better. Also, in the last day or so, that all-pervasive sense of hopelessness seems to have lifted quite a bit.

When I get the intrusive thoughts about dying, I'm finding it a bit easier to challenge them. I remind myself that I'm young and physically healthy and that I probably have several decades ahead of me.

Sometimes I still get a sense of dysphoria about my age - I'm 36 but I feel like I should still be in my early 30s rather than my mid 30s. I feel like the 4 years from 2016-2019 inclusive have gone fairly quickly, but that's probably because I was mentally healthy during those years and I enjoyed them (I was stable on citalopram then from my last major anxiety episode in 2015). However, I have always had a sense of dysphoria about my age - for example when I was in my late 20s, I felt like I should still be in my early 20s, when I was in my early 20s I felt like I should still be a teenager, but when I turned 13 I often wished I was still 12, as that was the cut-off point for some of the childhood activities I used to enjoy. I can still clearly remember having my photo taken with a box of chocolates when I was 8 years old, and I remember feeling too old, like I thought I should still be 5 or 6! It's quite strange - I'm not sure if this ties in with my Asperger's/autism. Also, people have always said I look much younger than I really am (which I'm pleased about). Whenever I feel like I should be younger, I have to remind myself that I was lucky to be a child in the late 80s and 90s and see the development of technology and the internet first hand. If I had been born a decade later, I wouldn't have known what the world was like before the internet became widespread.

Today I went for a walk with my mum around the local area. We walked along some paths I'd never been down before, even though I've lived here all my life! They were shortcut woodland paths connecting different roads. For tomorrow, I've arranged with my sister to go back to the beach we went to on Tuesday last week. So I have that to look forward to.

Another thing I forgot to mention is that last night I noticed one of my teeth seems to have changed shape, as if a piece has been chipped off. Thankfully it doesn't hurt at all. I'm always very sensitive to any changes in my body like this.

I can very much relate to the age dysphoria. Despite only being 29 I'm still feeling way older than that. I'm glad to hear your intrusive thought challenging is working. I need to work on that more too. Was the tight chest from walking around or did it just come on out of nowhere?

[Sparkle1984]

I think the tight-chestedness just came out of nowhere. It is happening again right now.

It's interesting that your age dysphoria is the opposite to mine - I've only ever had it about feeling younger than my actual age.

[Aleman200]

I think the tight-chestedness just came out of nowhere. It is happening again right now.

It's interesting that your age dysphoria is the opposite to mine - I've only ever had it about feeling younger than my actual age.

I'm sure the tightness will be the sub conscious anxiety from the increase :)

And yeah I've always felt like my body is older than what my actual age is. It's always been a bit worrying.

[Sparkle1984]

Yesterday was a reasonable day - I went with my sister to the beach and it was a nice sunny day. Then we had fish and chips at a café and looked round one of the shops. I did have some intrusive thoughts, but overall I felt more optimistic than I did when I went to the beach last Tuesday. By the late afternoon I did start to feel rather tired - this is probably because I woke up in the middle of the night worrying about whether I would get toothache in my chipped tooth. I had a nap when I got back home yesterday evening - this is actually the first time I've been able to have a nap in the daytime, ever since this anxiety episode began. Previously, I was getting too many physical anxiety symptoms during the day to be able to have a nap. So this feels like progress. When I woke up later in the evening, I felt like my mood had dipped a bit, but I felt more alert. I ate the piece of cake I'd brought home from the cafe.

I slept well last night, but I woke up this morning with feelings of gloom and doom and lots of intrusive thoughts. I feel like the heightened anxiety from the increased dose is kicking in more now. I've felt fairly unsettled so far today. :(

[Aleman200]

I still have trouble with waking up stupendously early and being anxious for the morning so I relate to you on this one Sparkle. With the dose increase I did last time it took a few days for it to settle so just stay strong. My PM's are always open if you need to talk/vent about anything.

[Sparkle1984]

I still have trouble with waking up stupendously early and being anxious for the morning so I relate to you on this one Sparkle. With the dose increase I did last time it took a few days for it to settle so just stay strong. My PM's are always open if you need to talk/vent about anything.

Thanks. I expect it may take a few more days for the dose increase to settle down.

The last couple of days have been reasonable - even though Tuesday started off bad, I felt better as the day progressed. In the evening I went out for a meal with my mum and one of her friends. It was a restaurant I'd never been to before, but the food was nice.

Yesterday morning and this morning, I didn't feel quite so anxious when I woke up. Yesterday evening I went round my eldest sister's house and we had a games night with my 2 nieces. It was good fun, and we also had a Chinese takeaway. I had chicken in black bean sauce, which was tasty. I did have a few intrusive thoughts but they weren't as bad as they were a week or 2 ago. I discussed my anxiety with my sister and she also told me that she is also currently on medication for depression - escitalopram. She has often suffered from depression in the past but this is the first time she'd got help for it. Things got bad back in January when her cat died of cancer and she was working very long hours in a management job she didn't enjoy. Thankfully since then, she has changed her role and now has more free time in the evenings. My sister admitted she also sometimes gets anxious thoughts about what happens after death, but that's not the main focus of her illness. It's sad as I didn't realise my sister was suffering so badly, but also in a way it reassures me that I'm not alone, and my nieces have also suffered from anxiety and depression related illnesses in recent months. It could well be that it runs in our family, but it seems to affect the younger generations of the family more than the older ones.

[Sparkle1984]

I haven't updated this diary for a few days because the last 2 or 3 days or so have been pretty much the same as earlier in the week - I still get intrusive thoughts during the day, and the anxiety doesn't die down until the evening. My mood has also been rather flat, although thankfully I don't have the feeling of complete hopelessness that I had a couple of weeks ago. I'm only just over a week into the dose increase, so I know it may be a while until it kicks in fully.

Anyway, I've decided I'll go back to work on Tuesday (after the bank holiday weekend) - although I'm nowhere near 100%, I feel like the worst is probably behind me, I feel well enough to be able to concentrate on my work and I think it will be good for me to get back to my usual routine, even though I will still have to work from home.

[Sparkle1984]

My first day back at work went well - my manager seemed understanding about my anxiety. He asked what I thought had triggered it, so I mentioned how I've had anxiety and depression episodes on and off for many years, although I don't think the stress of the coronavirus pandemic has helped. He agreed with me that getting back to my usual routine should be helpful for me. He also said that I have several days of holiday to book for the end of the year, and suggested having a few Fridays off, and that he used to do this when he was feeling down. So I've booked off a couple of Fridays at the end of September - I'm hoping to go to the zoo with my mum and step dad on one of these days.

As for today, I managed to complete the work I had planned to do. I didn't feel too anxious while I was working, but I noticed in the evening my intrusive thoughts began to come through more strongly, presumably because I'm not so busy. Yesterday evening I completed a thought challenge worksheet and I felt a bit calmer and more optimistic after that, so I will have another read through it.

For the last couple of nights, it's taken me quite a while to get to sleep, even though I haven't felt scared at night for a while. I also woke up about an hour before my alarm went off this morning, but I haven't really felt tired today.

[Jebdog]

Positive signs Sparkle. I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said over the course of your diary that’s for sure.

Hope your second day back went well and you continue to feel better.

[Sparkle1984]

Positive signs Sparkle. I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said over the course of your diary that’s for sure.

Hope your second day back went well and you continue to feel better.

Thanks. Unfortunately today started off badly as I had a couple of nightmares last night, so I woke up this morning feeling anxious and unsettled. Thankfully this negative feeling began to wear off once I got settled into my work and I put some of my favourite music on in the background. The main nightmare I had was that I was walking down some steps, and at the end you are shown a 3D computer generated image of how you will look in 40 or 50 years time. (Kind of like FaceApp, except that it shows your whole body and not just your face). I looked frail and weak and this really freaked me out. There was also an older man in the nightmare, and I was also scared when I saw the aged version of him. Then I dreamt that I bumped into a group of colleagues from my previous company, and I was shocked that some of them were looking wrinklier and greyer than when I last saw them a few years ago! This all ties into my existential intrusive thoughts about getting older and dying.

This evening after work I had my second therapy session and I found it really useful. The techniques she uses are a bit different to the therapist I had 5 years ago - this one uses a combination of CBT and EFT (emotional freedom technique - which involves tapping on certain points on your body. It's been described as acupuncture without the needles). After doing the tapping, I did feel heavier like my body wanted to relax, which was a good thing. The therapist also suggested I set aside a specific worry period each evening, rather than ruminating on negative thoughts throughout the day. I will try it and see how it goes.

Another positive things is that my eldest niece came round to visit. Amongst other things, we discussed my therapy session. My niece was very understanding, especially as she has also recently suffered with anxiety and has been having therapy. I mentioned my fears for the future and she reassured me that I would always have a room in her house if I ever needed it. I am autistic so one of my major fears is that I'll be on my own and lonely when I'm older. So I found this very reassuring.

[Sparkle1984]

What a day it's been! It started off so well, then it turned terrible in the space of a few hours! I slept really well last night and woke up feeling relaxed - I think it was the feel-good factor from yesterday's therapy session and my niece's visit from yesterday evening.

However, just before mid-day, things turned sour. My mum and step dad received a phone call from my grandmother's next door neighbour, saying they'd noticed my grandmother hadn't opened her blinds, which was very out of character for her. My grandmother is in her mid-90s and has Alzheimers, so we feared the worst. My mum and step-dad drove round her house to check on her, while I carried on with my work. I couldn't concentrate very well as this was on my mind. About an hour later, my step dad called me to say that my grandmother had had a fall and was suspected to have a broken hip, and she had been taken to hospital in an ambulance. I was sad but also a bit relieved, because I was half-afraid they were going to find her dead!

My step-dad came back home but my mum stayed at my grandmother's house for several hours, tidying up and making sure the dog had been walked and fed.

My grandmother had been found lying down on the lounge floor, but we think she probably actually fell over in the kitchen, as one of the cupboard doors under the sink was broken off, and there were dog biscuits scattered over the kitchen floor. We think she might have tripped over the dog and then crawled through to the lounge to get away from the hard kitchen floor. She was conscious when my mum and step dad found her, and thankfully she wasn't crying out in pain, but due to her Alzheimers she wasn't able to say exactly what had caused her to fall over and when it happened. It's possible she could have been lying there all night (my mum and my aunt take it in turns to visit her each day, and she was fine when my mum left yesterday evening).

I found the evening more upsetting, as my mum was discussing what was said with the hospital staff. The doctor had to ask my mum and aunt for permission for my grandmother to have an operation to fix her hip, and (more upsettingly, they said there's a risk that something could go wrong during the operation, so they asked for permission to resuscitate her if that happens. We were all quite upset and shocked to be asked that, as we thought it would be a given that everything possible should be done to save someone's life. My mum and aunt are adamant that my grandmother should be resuscitated if necessary and that the hospital staff should do all they can to save her. However, my uncle (my aunt's husband) seemed more sceptical, saying that you need to think about what her quality of life could be like after the operation - for example she could end up in a wheelchair or her Alzheimers could get worse. We were rather shocked and upset by my uncle saying that. My oldest sister said that she's aware of another woman in her mid-90s who had an emergency hip operation after a fall, and she was fine afterwards. So that gives me hope.

[panic_down_under]

they said there's a risk that something could go wrong during the operation, so they asked for permission to resuscitate her if that happens. We were all quite upset and shocked to be asked that, as we thought it would be a given that everything possible should be done to save someone's life.

Sorry to hear of your grandmother's fall. Hip replacements can be successful even into the 90s, however, be aware that resuscitation isn't as easy as TV medical shows make out with the patient given a zap and then all is rosy. The reality is that there can be major physical trauma including broken ribs, bruised lungs and damage to other organs. Plus the prognosis is not great with only 5-10% of the elderly (70+ yo) surviving and leaving the hospital. The older the patient the lower the odds. :sad: edit:Let's hope it isn't needed. (apologies for the typo :weep:)

[Aleman200]

Im really sorry to hear what happened Sparkle. I truly hope everything goes well for her. I cant imagine this has helped your anxiety.

[Sparkle1984]

Thanks for your support. In terms of my anxiety, I think today has been the best day I've had since I started citalopram. I had a solid 10 hours of sleep last night and I woke up this morning feeling enthusiastic for the day ahead, which is something I hadn't felt for quite a while!

We also had good news regarding my grandmother - she had her operation on her hip this afternoon, and it all went well. My mum went to visit her this evening, and she said my grandmother seemed happy and talkative. The nurses said she had a really good appetite at dinner time. They were pleased with how she's doing, and they also suggested that it could be days rather than weeks before she can be discharged. I'm so happy and relieved! :)

In the evening, I went round my sister's house for a chicken massaman curry and we also played some games.

I feel more at ease and happier than I have done in a long time. I had far fewer intrusive thoughts today, as well. Hopefully this progress will continue! :)

[panic_down_under]

We also had good news regarding my grandmother - she had her operation on her hip this afternoon, and it all went well. My mum went to visit her this evening, and she said my grandmother seemed happy and talkative. The nurses said she had a really good appetite at dinner time. They were pleased with how she's doing, and they also suggested that it could be days rather than weeks before she can be discharged.

That is very good news indeed. :yesyes: Thanks for the update :)

[Sparkle1984]

Today has been another pretty good day in terms of my anxiety, but maybe not quite as good as yesterday.

Today my aunt visited my grandmother in hospital. She was able to find out more about the operation - it turns out it was a "dynamic hip screw" operation rather than a full or partial hip replacement. My grandmother was sitting upright in a chair today, so she is already making progress. The hospital staff have said they will create a care plan, which may involve my grandmother being moved to a smaller community hospital for rehabilitative physiotherapy.

Earlier today, I did some more practice of the techniques my therapist has taught me, including the worry time technique. For this, I spent about 20 minutes writing out some of the intrusive thoughts I get. I repeated each phrase 4 or 5 times in attempt to try and desensitise myself to them. The thoughts were:


I am 36
I am getting older.
I will be 40 in 3.5 years.
There is no way to stop it.
I will never be in my teens or early twenties again in this life.
I will be elderly one day.
I will die one day.
We can't be sure when.
There is no scientific proof what happens next, only faith.
If my faith is wrong, there could be nothingness.
One day my elderly relatives will die.
It is inevitable.
We don't know how or when.


I then finished off with an affirmation: "I can tolerate the uncertainty." While doing the above exercise, I felt more sad than anxious. For the last couple of times when I've done this worry time exercise, I've found that the anxiety comes through in the minutes after I've finished the exercise and moved on with my day. I'll mention this to my therapist.

It brings back memories of a time when I was 9 or 10 years old, pondering the meaning of life and the nature of reality. I recall coming to the rather morose conclusion "we live to die", as that seems to be the only thing that all humans have in common. That same day, I also remember asking my dad "what if life is just a dream that we're all in?" and "why am I me and you you? Why am I in this body and not yours or my best friend's? What makes you, you? " Of course, my dad wasn't able to answer those questions. A few years later, I remember my dad telling me how he and my mum had first met, and I recall asking something like "what if you had never met? Would I not be alive now at all, or would I have been born into a different body in a different family?"

All these years later, I'm still not much clearer on the meaning of life. I sometimes feel like my anxiety would be lower if only there were scientific proof that God and the afterlife exists, and that I knew in advance what to expect, and to know the answer to the questions about reality I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Of course, there is currently no scientific proof that these things exist, but there's also no proof that they don't exist. There are a lot of things in the world that still can't be explained by science. Maybe one day they will be, or maybe we're simply not meant to have proof while we are here on Earth, maybe it's meant to be a test of faith?

I feel a bit better for having got all those thoughts down. A lot of my anxiety is to do with an inability to bear uncertainty!

[Sparkle1984]

This week so far, overall I've felt better than I did last week. I feel like the citalopram has kicked in more now, and most of the side effects have worn off now, except for the rapid heart beat that I always get in the first few weeks (my resting heart rate is currently in the late 70s, whereas when I'm not going through an anxiety episode, it's in the late 60s. Sometimes, during the day it can be in the 80s or early 90s, even if I'm sitting down).

This is my 4th time on citalopram, and the interesting thing is that it seems to be kicking in faster this time than it did the 3rd time around. Also, the side effects didn't last as long this time round. I remember the 3rd time was a total nightmare, and even after 8 weeks I didn't really feel that much better. This time, I'm coming up to 6 weeks and I already feel significantly better (although not 100%). I wonder if it could be because the gap between the 3rd and 4th time is much longer than the gap between the previous times? This time around, it was a whole year before I relapsed and needed to go back on the medication, whereas the previous times, I relapsed after just a matter of weeks or a few months after coming off.

I had my 3rd therapy session last night, and it went well. Unfortunately the therapist is now on holiday so I won't be able to have another session for 3 weeks - I hope I'll be OK to get through until then!

My grandmother is still doing well in hospital. My mum and aunt take it in turns to visit her each day. Sadly my sisters and I can't visit due to the current coronavirus restrictions, which does make it somewhat more stressful, but my mum tells me in detail what happened after each visit. Hopefully it won't be too long until my grandmother can be moved into one of the local rehabilitation centres for physiotherapy.

[Sparkle1984]

After about a week of feeling very good, since yesterday I've felt a bit of anxiety and intrusive thoughts creep back in again, although it's nowhere near as bad as it was a few weeks ago. I think it's probably due to a combination of hormones (my period started yesterday) and tiredness (it was my first 5-day week at work in over a month, and also there was a lot going on with regards to my grandmother being in hospital and keeping the rest of the family informed - at some points, our phone was ringing nearly constantly!)

My grandmother is continuing to do well and yesterday she was moved to a community hospital for physiotherapy. Sadly, the visiting rules there are even stricter than for the main hospital - even my mum and aunt will only be allowed to visit once a week each, so there's probably no chance I'll be allowed to visit! :(

Today I walked with my mum round my grandmother's house - my step-dad is currently doing some work in the kitchen, repainting the cupboard doors. While we were there, my mum and I looked through some documents and mementos regarding my granddad's death in 1991. He died very suddenly of a heart attack while he was on holiday with my grandmother in what is now Croatia. As I was only 7 at the time, I feel like I was too young to fully understand what was happening, and I also didn't get a chance to say goodbye as he died on holiday, so I probably still have some unresolved grief from that time. I did find it somewhat therapeutic to look through the old sympathy cards, letters of condolences from family friends and even letters from my grandfather's former employer. What made me feel sad was when my step-dad said that if only my granddad had had the heart attack in the UK, he might have survived.

I'm just having a calm weekend - I'm not planning on going out anywhere else. My plan to go round my sister's for dinner this evening fell through as my other sister couldn't make it, so I said I'll come round another Saturday instead. Anyway, I have the next 2 Fridays off work, so hopefully I'll have something exciting to look forward to.

[Sparkle1984]

The last 2 days haven't been too bad. I've felt mostly OK during the day, but for the last 5 nights or so (I forgot to mention this in my previous post), whenever I've woken up in the morning (or even after a nap) I feel anxious for a while. For example, last night I woke up at 4am and whenever I fell back to sleep, I'd have a nightmare and ended up waking up again after a few minutes. In the end, I got up, went to the toilet, had a drink and a small snack, and when I got back into bed a few minutes later I put on one of my Calm sleep stories. Thankfully I was OK after that and didn't have any more nightmares, and I woke up for my alarm just after 7am.

[Aleman200]

The last 2 days haven't been too bad. I've felt mostly OK during the day, but for the last 5 nights or so (I forgot to mention this in my previous post), whenever I've woken up in the morning (or even after a nap) I feel anxious for a while. For example, last night I woke up at 4am and whenever I fell back to sleep, I'd have a nightmare and ended up waking up again after a few minutes. In the end, I got up, went to the toilet, had a drink and a small snack, and when I got back into bed a few minutes later I put on one of my Calm sleep stories. Thankfully I was OK after that and didn't have any more nightmares, and I woke up for my alarm just after 7am.

I'm having this exact same issue at the moment, I've been on 20mg for 3 days now and the waking up doesn't get any easier. I try to get up and do something before even attempting to sleep again, most of the time it doesn't work. But I try anyway. Do the calm sleep stories help alot?

[Sparkle1984]

I'm having this exact same issue at the moment, I've been on 20mg for 3 days now and the waking up doesn't get any easier. I try to get up and do something before even attempting to sleep again, most of the time it doesn't work. But I try anyway. Do the calm sleep stories help alot?

Yes, the Calm sleep stories seem to help a lot, especially now that I'm a few weeks in and the initial heightened anxiety has gone. There's a lot of meditations and relaxation videos on YouTube as well.

I was OK last night - I didn't wake up feeling anxious and I don't recall having any nightmares either.

[Sparkle1984]

It's been an awful weekend for me! This morning my Mum had a phone call from the hospital saying they think my grandmother has had a stroke, so they called an emergency ambulance to take her back to the main hospital. This all feels like a setback, and now we're worrying about whether the worst could happen - will she ever make it out of hospital alive? At first we thought that because the hospital staff said my grandmother was still talking, so if she had a stroke, it can't have been a very serious one. Unfortunately we've just had bad news from my aunt (who visited my grandmother this evening) - she said the stroke was worse than they first thought. They know it's a bad stroke and because of her age they said there's no point in putting her through an MRI scan. She can't swallow properly at the moment so that's the big concern.


I'm in tears at the moment and very worried. They say the next 2 days will be critical.


I had been getting ready to go out to a café with my mum when we got this phone call, so we didn't go after all.


Another bad thing that happened is that it was my eldest sister's birthday on Friday, and I'd booked the day off work as holiday to go round hers. But she phoned on Friday morning to say she had a bad cold. We still drove round to give her cards and presents, but we had to talk to her through the lounge window so we don't catch anything. She didn't think it was coronavirus, but as she hadn't been tested, you can never be 100% sure, so we don't want to take any unnecessary risks. This obviously wasn't the birthday celebration we would have wanted.


Also, I'm worried that coronavirus cases are increasing again, and we might be banned from visiting family members in separate households like we were earlier this year. Ever since I had my anxiety/depression relapse in July, I've found it helpful to visit my sisters for takeaway nights/games nights as it helps take my mind off things. So if I'm not allowed to do that anymore, I'm worried how it could affect my mental health.

I did manage to get out of the house today after all - I went in a walk to the river with my sister (not the one who has the cold) and we also went to a café where I had a piece of carrot cake and a mint milkshake. This was the one bright spot in an otherwise awful weekend.

[Sparkle1984]

The last 7 days have been difficult - the hospital staff have said my grandmother's stroke was severe after all, and they can't really do much more for her, so she will have to go into palliative care. She can no longer move her left arm or left leg, so she is essentially bed-bound. My step-dad had been redecorating my grandmother's kitchen while she was in hospital, so it's sad she'll never go home to see it now. We don't know how long she has left, and due to the coronavirus situation we don't know if we'll be able to have much say as to what nursing home she goes into.

Over the last 3 days, I've felt like some of my anxiety has come back, although it's nowhere near as bad as it was a few weeks ago. I feel like the stress of what's happened to my grandmother has set me back a bit. I get thoughts about life and death, although now I don't really get the associated physical anxiety symptoms (apart from occasional muscle tension), as the medication is blocking them. So now it's just the thoughts and a dull sense of dread. It feels worse because my grandmother is my last surviving grandparent, and when she goes, it will effectively be the end of an entire generation of my family.

I hope that this anxiety is just a blip and will improve with time.

In order to help take my mind off things, last night I went tound my sister's house for a Chinese takeaway and we watched the film Groundhog Day.