Bill
25-10-07, 02:07
I was just thinking about my past today because my mother said she'd always been a loner. It just made me think so I thought I'd share.
The need to please – fear of abandonment-
I think sometimes we’re born with a feeling of insecurity so we look for security from others but we’re sensitive and so fear being hurt so we do all we can to please them for fear that they’ll abandon us if we offend them and we’ll be back to feeling insecure and alone.
I’m not sure how you overcome this other than to remember you always have good intentions so if they hurt you then try to remember that the fault lies with them for not being understanding and that you’re the good person, that you do your best and always try not to offend because you care. Good friends stick with you through good and bad times because they understand so those are the ones to really care about and keep close.
The need to feel loved-
Perhaps due to our insecurity, if we don’t receive enough affection as a child, it can add to our insecurity creating anxiety as we grow older. However, if we’re over-protected, we’re not allowed to build confidence in our abilities which can also create anxiety.
I know I was born insecure because my mother tells me I’d follow her everywhere needing affection but I can’t honestly remember her ever giving me a cuddle. I can remember in my teens how she’d feel embarrassed, push me away and say wait until I found a girlfriend. It didn’t mean though that she didn’t love me because she loves children and would have had more. She was always there for me but just not affectionate. She said she didn’t want to over mother me for fear it wouldn’t make me strong but ironically maybe if she’d given me more affection it would in fact have made me stronger. Only after losing my father 2 years ago did I feel comfortable holding her because she’d never let me before.
Also my older sister always resented me as she wanted another sister so she also always pushed me away. By the time I was 12 all my brothers and sister had left home and soon after I lost a good school friend which I feel added to health anxieties and my fear of abandonment. I also feel I got married for fear of being left on my own when I lost my parents but because of my wifes illness she too has never been affectionate so when pressures at home and work became too much, it very nearly pushed me over the edge with self harming, od's etc.
My father was a worrier himself and because he cared so much about me, he’d do things for me rather than watch over me and let me attempt them myself. I feel though that maybe if I’d been given more of a free reign I’d built more confidence in myself and in my own abilities which maybe would have lessened my anxiety when it came to having to do them on my own. Maybe my OCD wouldn’t have become such a problem. Who knows.
I think as I’ve grown older I’ve come to understand more about myself and my upbringing. It’s helped me to learn how to cope better and enabled me to come to terms with my life and anxieties. I honestly feel if you can understand yourself and what’s actually happened to create the symptoms, it can help you to tackle anxieties and enable you to move forward.
The need to please – fear of abandonment-
I think sometimes we’re born with a feeling of insecurity so we look for security from others but we’re sensitive and so fear being hurt so we do all we can to please them for fear that they’ll abandon us if we offend them and we’ll be back to feeling insecure and alone.
I’m not sure how you overcome this other than to remember you always have good intentions so if they hurt you then try to remember that the fault lies with them for not being understanding and that you’re the good person, that you do your best and always try not to offend because you care. Good friends stick with you through good and bad times because they understand so those are the ones to really care about and keep close.
The need to feel loved-
Perhaps due to our insecurity, if we don’t receive enough affection as a child, it can add to our insecurity creating anxiety as we grow older. However, if we’re over-protected, we’re not allowed to build confidence in our abilities which can also create anxiety.
I know I was born insecure because my mother tells me I’d follow her everywhere needing affection but I can’t honestly remember her ever giving me a cuddle. I can remember in my teens how she’d feel embarrassed, push me away and say wait until I found a girlfriend. It didn’t mean though that she didn’t love me because she loves children and would have had more. She was always there for me but just not affectionate. She said she didn’t want to over mother me for fear it wouldn’t make me strong but ironically maybe if she’d given me more affection it would in fact have made me stronger. Only after losing my father 2 years ago did I feel comfortable holding her because she’d never let me before.
Also my older sister always resented me as she wanted another sister so she also always pushed me away. By the time I was 12 all my brothers and sister had left home and soon after I lost a good school friend which I feel added to health anxieties and my fear of abandonment. I also feel I got married for fear of being left on my own when I lost my parents but because of my wifes illness she too has never been affectionate so when pressures at home and work became too much, it very nearly pushed me over the edge with self harming, od's etc.
My father was a worrier himself and because he cared so much about me, he’d do things for me rather than watch over me and let me attempt them myself. I feel though that maybe if I’d been given more of a free reign I’d built more confidence in myself and in my own abilities which maybe would have lessened my anxiety when it came to having to do them on my own. Maybe my OCD wouldn’t have become such a problem. Who knows.
I think as I’ve grown older I’ve come to understand more about myself and my upbringing. It’s helped me to learn how to cope better and enabled me to come to terms with my life and anxieties. I honestly feel if you can understand yourself and what’s actually happened to create the symptoms, it can help you to tackle anxieties and enable you to move forward.