View Full Version : Stop me spiralling, please.
Victoria84
03-10-20, 10:19
My mil died from breast cancer 2 years ago and from then I've been utterly obsessed, thinking that I have breast cancer and am going to die any minute. I went for an ultrasound 2 years ago for a tiny 2mm lump I found, of course I felt relief after, then started to worry that the rest of my breast or my other breast wasn't scanned so maybe there was something there. In between then and now I had the consultant manually feel them, a nurse and my doctor a year ago and I still can't let it go. I started having pain in my left shoulder blade around the same time and its still here now, I've been to a physiotherapist twice who said its my posture, also my left underarm is more puffy than my right one, its been like that for years, there's no lump, it just feels like my muscle is bigger in that arm. However ve put two and two together now and come up with 73. I'm convinced I have breast cancer and it has now spread to my shoulder/bones etc.
Only You can stop yourself from spiralling x Seek out a good therapist :flowers:
Victoria84
03-10-20, 11:08
Been to therapists, had antidepressants, nothing works. X
Victoria84
03-10-20, 15:05
I'm in a huge panic over this. I'm going to have to phone the doctors on Monday, I dont knkwnwhat else to do, this whole thing in my brain has stopped me enjoying my 2 year old son, I cant stop it at all ive tried 2 bouts of cbt one counsellor and 6 different antidepressants. I've had the full whack of blood tests too in February, if any cancer has spread would that have picked it up?
Victoria84
03-10-20, 21:05
Anyone?
Anyone?
Everything is in your OP. Sorry to hear about your MIL but that's the catalyst. The rest of the reassurance and explanation to why you're spiraling is in your post.
My mil died from breast cancer 2 years ago and from then I've been utterly obsessed, thinking that I have breast cancer and am going to die any minute. I went for an ultrasound 2 years ago for a tiny 2mm lump I found, of course I felt relief after, then started to worry that the rest of my breast or my other breast wasn't scanned so maybe there was something there. In between then and now I had the consultant manually feel them, a nurse and my doctor a year ago and I still can't let it go. I started having pain in my left shoulder blade around the same time and its still here now, I've been to a physiotherapist twice who said its my posture, also my left underarm is more puffy than my right one, its been like that for years, there's no lump, it just feels like my muscle is bigger in that arm. However ve put two and two together now and come up with 73. I'm convinced I have breast cancer and it has now spread to my shoulder/bones etc.
You really don't need others to tell you what you already know deep down.
Positive thoughts
Victoria84
04-10-20, 11:52
Thank you for replying, of course the HA is taking over and I'm getting in a panic over how long my armpit has been protruding more than my other now. I dont want to waste a dr appointment but I cant stop this.
Victoria84
04-10-20, 13:00
My HA has moved onto something else now... when I life my arm up to shave, the part you shave my left armpit sticks out more than my right. From side on view it's probably only about 2-3mm Now my HA is getting things out of proportion, I think I've always had this but because I'm now a certified fruit loop my brain is playing tricks on me. I had an ultrasound scan on that exact armpit 2 years ago. Does anyone else have this? It feels like my muscle is bigger in my armpit. If I push my fingers up into my armpit I cant feel anything when my arm is down at my side its only when raised.
Hi Victoria,
I have been through the same thing a few years back, even my daughter was two at the time when I had a complete breakdown thinking I had cancer. I no longer have HA but I do still suffer with restricted breathing that wont go away with the anxiety :(
My advice would be to go get checked out if you can afford to get a mamogram privately on both thats what I did (cost me around £130 per breast to be checked) & you get the results straightaway, I even had an MRI on my back because I was convinced. It really did help me stop thinking about breast cancer and all the other crap that comes with HA. I was terrible, I would turn up at my doctors, A&E and walk in centres.
I had 6 family deaths all unexpected and it caused me to go into a breakdown. I am very sorry you lost your MIL. I promise in time it does get easier as kids get older xx
venusbluejeans
04-10-20, 13:05
nobodys bodies are symetrical
I have absolutely same thing; it has always been like that, one of my armpits is not only little bigger, but also differently shaped. I never paid attention until, of course, I developed anxiety and severe OCD years ago. I had it checked by 2 doctors - it is completely normal. They are just different, like everything on human body : sides are simply different from each other.
Victoria84
04-10-20, 15:51
Thank you, its hard to know whether you're normal and what exactly to have checked out when we're told to feel and look for lumps and bumps yet our bodies are full of them. I dont know whether getting a doctors appointment to check again is going too far seeing as I had a breast check a year ago which included the armpits. I also had a full set of blood tests in Feb.
Victoria84
04-10-20, 15:54
Thats mostly the problem with my HA i sit and look at my little boys face and can't cope with the thought of me not seeing him grow, it makes me feel sick. I had an ultrasound exactly two years ago but the worry is back again.
nomorepanic
04-10-20, 15:59
Hi
This is just a courtesy reply to let you know that your thread was merged with another of your threads.
Please when posting on similar topics add it onto your previous post rather than starting a new one.
It is nothing personal it is just to make it easier for people to follow your story and to give you advice as a whole.
Victoria84
04-10-20, 16:48
Think it might be Dr's phonecall tomorrow, had to take some diazepam, had a breakdown last year and can feel myself going again.
Victoria84, my severe depression, that later turned into health anxiety and OCD, started after I gave birth to my son. I was for years on plagued by petrifying fear that I will die and leave him alone, small and vulnerable. My son will be 22 years old next month (God willing), but my fears never stopped. My OCD is extremely severe, but at this point I am trying to manage it on my own, after years of therapy and medication. I am neither in therapy nor on the medication any longer.
There is nothing wrong with your armpit or your breasts. You had it checked by doctors, you had ultrasound, and mammogram, you are totally fine. Try to get some medication for the time being to stop obsessing. But ultimately, you need some therapy and medication, at least for a year. Do not allow yourself to be ruled by anxiety and OCD for years, stop them now. I have lost years of my life due to it. Years that are gone forever, spent in fear.
Victoria84
04-10-20, 18:16
Thank you so much for your reply, yes mine started shortly after my son was born too. I had a little OCD in pregnancy but after pregnancy ot was horrendous, I still have it now, its getting slightly easier but not much.
Victoria84
04-10-20, 19:15
I never know whether something needs checking by the doctor or if checking it is going overboard.
Victoria84
05-10-20, 07:50
Trying to get into the doctors this morning but can't get through on the phone 30 tries so far, even the thought of going there is panicking me, I've not been anywhere at all since covid only work. I'm in a bit of a state I'm so worried.
Victoria84
05-10-20, 09:19
Managed to get a phone appointment for a doctor tomorrow at 7:15. I'm at work and I cant concentrate at all I just want to be with my little boy.
Victoria84
05-10-20, 12:29
I cant cope with this i want to run away
I cant cope with this i want to run away
Yes, you can cope.
You don't run away from HA - you turn and face it.
This started because your MIL died - not even your blood relative.
You're worried about not seeing your boy grow up? But you're not exactly here now are you? Your mind is constantly elsewhere - fixated and obsessing on a disease which you have no evidence for.
You've been tested and you are fine. Accept this and work on your health anxiety because it is this which will rob you of quality time with your son.
Reframe what happened to your MIL and understand that her story isn't your story.
From one mother to another, your son deserves better than this. That's what I told myself after I had a clear colonoscopy despite writing myself off to colon cancer - including planning my own funeral!
You're stronger than you think you are. X
Victoria84
05-10-20, 16:33
Thank you, I'm just so tired, im so tired of thinking like this. I can sometimes see how irrational things are that I think of. But when I get stuck in something like this I cant, I was ultrasounded two years ago thats partly why I'm in a panic, that was such a long time ago. I've had to take a diazepam to calm down. Yes my son does deserve better.
You deserve better, too. You deserve more than to be in constant emotional pain.
Thank you, I'm just so tired, im so tired of thinking like this. I can sometimes see how irrational things are that I think of. But when I get stuck in something like this I cant, I was ultrasounded two years ago thats partly why I'm in a panic, that was such a long time ago. I've had to take a diazepam to calm down. Yes my son does deserve better.
HA is exhausting. I went as low as you can go with this horrible disorder. But the strength is there when we need it. We must keep some in reserve or something. Your body is doing a great job in looking after you during this stressful phase. It's your mind which is the problem, and you need therapy to sort that out. The diazepam is only a short term fix to a long term problem which is why therapy is so important.
You can do this Victoria. X
lilysmith123
05-10-20, 17:52
HA is exhausting. I went as low as you can go with this horrible disorder. But the strength is there when we need it. We must keep some in reserve or something. Your body is doing a great job in looking after you during this stressful phase. It's your mind which is the problem, and you need therapy to sort that out. The diazepam is only a short term fix to a long term problem which is why therapy is so important.
You can do this Victoria. X
Aww I'm totally jumping into this thread, giving good wishes to Victoria of course too, but I just wanted to say thank you NoraB because your posts - even if not on my thread - have helped me more than you will ever know. It's so refreshing to speak or hear from someone like you and I just wanted to say a big thank you. In the midst of my worst HA flare, it was your words that convinced me I CAN get through it. And I did. It's back, but now I know even when its bad, it can get better.
Victoria, I've also been feeling how you have before, and I know how exhausting it is. You would give anything to disappear sometimes. But I promise it will be ok. Try to access some therapy if you can. I've been seeing someone for CBT and only in 6 weeks it's made a huge difference to me. You can do it!!
Victoria84
05-10-20, 19:14
Unfortunately I've tried it all, I’ve been on 6 different antidepressants, diazepam, I've had a community mental health nurse come to my home every two weeks, I've seen a proper counsellor and had two bouts of CBT which I absolutely hated. I had a breakdown last year and moved into my mum and dads with my son, left my poor partner in our house on his own because I needed my mum to basically look after my son because I couldn't.
Aww I'm totally jumping into this thread, giving good wishes to Victoria of course too, but I just wanted to say thank you NoraB because your posts - even if not on my thread - have helped me more than you will ever know. It's so refreshing to speak or hear from someone like you and I just wanted to say a big thank you. In the midst of my worst HA flare, it was your words that convinced me I CAN get through it. And I did. It's back, but now I know even when its bad, it can get better.
I'm so glad my ramblings are helping you Lily. Keep up the good work! :yesyes:
I’ve been on 6 different antidepressants, diazepam, I've had a community mental health nurse come to my home every two weeks, I've seen a proper counsellor and had two bouts of CBT which I absolutely hated. I had a breakdown last year and moved into my mum and dads with my son, left my poor partner in our house on his own because I needed my mum to basically look after my son because I couldn't.
I had a breakdown too Victoria - a full mental and physical breakdown - and I got myself out of the hell I was in.
I couldn't take meds because my body was so sensitised that it wouldn't tolerate them.
I had two lots of CBT, the first having no effect at all.
Bottom line is; you're a mother and what happened to your MIL challenged your mortality.
I've had several dalliances with HA as a child, teenager, and as a young adult, but the episode which brought me to my knees was when my mother died (suddenly) and the stress created lots of 'scary' symptoms. The symptoms, it turns out, was down to the normal flight or flight response, but I interpreted this as something being wrong with my heart. I had chest pain and my heart raced and skipped. Had to be heart issues, right? That was where it started, right there, with the death of my mother and chest pain from hyperventilating (not that I understood that then)
I went from heart attacks to cancer to strokes and finally MS which turned out to be fibromyalgia. This was my life for 6 years, and at one point, I begged my husband to have me sectioned because I couldn't stand to be in my mind for one more minute!
I kept saying to myself, 'I can't cope with this', over and over and over again, and all that did was release more stress hormones which made me feel even worse!
Every test I ever went for came back clear. All was ever found was low Vit D. No heart issues. No cancer. No stroke. No MS.
I have a son who is autistic and my overwhelming fear was that I would get ill and die and leave him. What didn't help is that my friend died during this period and nothing terrified her more than the prospect of leaving her son!
The fact is that I wasn't here for those years. I was obsessed with my body and so severely anxious that I couldn't function properly. I was in hell and I dragged my husband and son in there with me. My son held my hand when I was in A&E (twice) and those are memories that I wish he didn't have. The other day, he said to me, 'You had a heart attack didn't you Mum?'.
My son thinks I had a heart attack. :weep:
I didn't ask to be mentally ill. Nobody does. I can't change any of it. Beating myself up won't help at all. I can only make sure that I keep practicing self-care and acceptance.
The key to recovery from HA is acceptance of so many things, but especially death and dying because this is the core problem with health anxiety. As long as you fear these things, you will never be in control of health anxiety.
Eventually, I accepted that I can't control the future, and all worrying does is make me feel ill which makes it harder to make happy memories for my son. All I can do is keep myself as well as I can, and give my son the skills he needs to survive in life, now, while I am here. I know that, should something happen to me, people will step up as they did for my friend's son. I trust that my body is always working hard to keep me safe, and should there come a time when it is overpowered by disease, I trust that medicine will keep me comfortable as it is keeping my FIL comfortable in his final hours. And no matter what happens to my body, I get tochoose how I want to respond, and I want it to be as positive as possible..
You must accept that, while the future is uncertain, you are physically well now, and the now is all we can work with..
Unfortunately, I've tried it all.
What you haven't tried, is acceptance.
Stop running from the fears which your mind has created. Turn around, face them, and here is where recovery begins.
Sunshinegirl82
06-10-20, 08:42
Hi Victoria, not much advise but some supportive words I know where you’re coming from I am going through a breast cancer scare spiral myself at the moment. I have always had general anxiety panic attacks etc but what tipped me of the edge was my dad dying pretty quickly from an illness the doctors failed to recognise early I think it instilled a fear in me thinking I need to be alert at all time’s as if I’m not quick enough it might be to late. It was a gradual build up but fast forward 3 years later I was in a full blown heart anxiety vicious circle. Repeated doctor visits private counselling CBT sessions nothing seemed to work it’d was like mind over body all though I knew deep down somewhere inside that I was fine the fear crippled me that something was wrong and I need to be alert at all time’s. It took my gp over a year to convince me to take AD and tbh I had no options as my quality of life was absolutely crap and I had a lot of threapy sessions as well and eventually I came to the point of thinking what’s the harm in trying these. Fast forward a year I’m doing much better and don’t get me wrong I have had a few wobbles here and there but what’s worked for me now is giving the fear time like for eg atm Im convinced I’ve got breast cancer and that I’m feeling lumps all the time first thing I had to which is harder than it sounds is to stop checking because the more you check the more the fear gets instilled and then you react more,second I did call my doctors told her my fears and because it’s been a tough year personally she give me some proparanol to take the edge of it and I don’t know if you’re aware of this but it’s called exposure theory meaning you let your body fight this naturally and eventually the fear will just die down and that’s what I’m doing at the moment and in all honesty even though I do get
Thoughts I’m managing ok with this theory. Just hang in there and it does get better :) get the support you need from your gp or go from some more CBT sessions and give it time :)
Victoria84
06-10-20, 09:32
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, you are lovely people and I'm so sorry you're going through the same things too. When I go to the doctors they just throw antidepressants at me or mention CBT. I cant tolerate most antidepressants, the only one i dont have side effects with is fluoxetine, sertraline took me to a and e i thought i was dying the side effects were so bad after 1 tablet. I dont feel depressed which makes me think that they're just trying to give me these to get rid of me. I have anxiety, my partner had anxiety a few months ago and the same doctor gave him propranolol to calm him but he never took them. I dont know why I'm being treat differently, I dont have any health conditions that they couldnt give me something to calm me down. A locum doctor gave me 14 2mg diazepam when I was particularly bad last year but thats it, they wont give me any more of those. X
Propranolol doesn't actually work on anxiety, only on the physical symptoms such as pounding heart, etc. Diazepam, on the other hand, is fearsomely addictive, which is why doctors avoid prescribing it. Not all people can tolerate SSRIs, but they are often effective for both anxiety and depression, which often go hand in hand.
Hope this clears things up a little.
Victoria84
06-10-20, 10:00
I can see how diazepam would be addictive, I know that's why they don't prescribe it frequently, its so calming, as soon as I've taken one I feel normal and I feel like I'm 'in the room' again.
Sunshinegirl82
06-10-20, 10:59
I take fuloxoteine as was originally put on citopalm however it didn’t work for me. The doctors are suggesting CBT and AD as it does work like I said it took my gp a year to convince me to try them. I’ve been given poraponal now but as blueiris said it’s took to get rid of the physical symptoms even that is at a low does one 40mg a day for a week and then on week 2 only One for that week and then have a review with the gp. However for my actually anxiety I’ve used a combo of ADs and therapy .Once you decided to actually take the AD your gp will give a 4 week review every month for 6 months so any side effects and changes can be discussed. Also at my gp they have a certain clinician who actually specialises and has an interest in mental health so normally when my receptionist ask the reason I want an appointment and i say anxiety they try and book me in with her.l, Maybe you’ve got someone like that at your surgery. I thought the same as you I’m not depressed why are they offering me ADs but ADS work for both depression and anxiety.
Victoria84
06-10-20, 11:56
Unfortunately no theres no one like that at my surgery. I've been on antidepressants since I was about 16. I think the only onebive found that works is the fluoxetine but I've tended to stop them myself when I've felt better because I've felt better and thought I dont need them any more.
Victoria84
06-10-20, 16:28
Well I've got a brand new box of fluoxetine in the cupboard, in date, I've taken it upon myself to start them myself. I feel I've made the right decision.
WiseMonkey
06-10-20, 21:48
Hi, to get this out of your head, could you pay privately for a scan then once and for all put it to rest, then get some counselling? Is this an option for you?
Hi, to get this out of your head, could you pay privately for a scan then once and for all put it to rest, then get some counselling? Is this an option for you?
Why waste the money on a scan? :shrug: Treat the root of the issue.
Positive thoughts
I can see how diazepam would be addictive, I know that's why they don't prescribe it frequently, its so calming, as soon as I've taken one I feel normal and I feel like I'm 'in the room' again.
Taking Diazepam masks the problem, and it will only ever mask the problem - it doesn't address it, and then there's possible addiction to deal with if you cannot function without taking one.
There is a reason this drug is supposed to be prescribed short-term...
Victoria84
07-10-20, 08:51
I know, you're exactly right Nora it does mask it. I've take it upon myself to start my fluoxetine again seeing as I cant get into my doctors, im going to phone them again today. I had a brand new box in the cupboard so feeling nauseous this morning as per usual when starting them.
Victoria84
07-10-20, 09:10
Its just hard to control getting rid of the thoughts when they pop in my head. I have pain in my shoulder and shoulder blade at the side that I'm worried about. And when I realise its hurting, I can see exactly what I'm doing, I'm tensing that whole side of my body and I dont realise it and thats why its hurting and I also do it in my sleep. People say distraction helps but I can't be any more distracted. I have a 2 and a half year old to look after. I work in a school 29 hours a week, I have my own business drawing pet portraits, I cook, clean, go for a walk every night with our dog. I dont know what else I can do.
Its just hard to control getting rid of the thoughts when they pop in my head.
It's not about stopping these thoughts - that's not how you gain control. It's about how you respond to these thoughts when they come.
I have pain in my shoulder and shoulder blade at the side that I'm worried about. And when I realise its hurting, I can see exactly what I'm doing, I'm tensing that whole side of my body and I dont realise it and thats why its hurting and I also do it in my sleep.
You have the answer, so believe it.
People say distraction helps but I can't be any more distracted. I have a 2 and a half year old to look after. I work in a school 29 hours a week, I have my own business drawing pet portraits, I cook, clean, go for a walk every night with our dog. I dont know what else I can do.
Even though you are 'doing' lots of things this doesn't mean that your mind is completely on them. Most things can be done on auto-pilot. You can walk and worry. You can paint and worry. You can clean and worry. You get me? You can literally fill your day with 'doing' but that won't stop your mind from playing tricks on you!
It's ALL about the mental response.
Victoria84
07-10-20, 12:28
Thank you for the help, it has calmed me quite a lot.
NotDeadYet
07-10-20, 15:26
It's not about stopping these thoughts - that's not how you gain control. It's about how you respond to these thoughts when they come.
This is excellent advice not only for Victoria84 but for every single person on this forum. If the expectation is to get rid of HA, symptoms, intrusive thoughts, etc then the HA cycle will continue forever. Recovery is about not giving so much weight to our thoughts. They are literally just thoughts. Thoughts don't mean anything, especially if a doctor has already given you the all clear.
Great advice Nora
Best Wishes
Victoria84
07-10-20, 16:50
It is great advice, thank you so much Nora.
Thanks guys. I had to suffer a LOT to learn these things, but this one is the game changer!
Victoria84
08-10-20, 09:44
I've just spoken to my doctor on the phone today, she had a long talk to me, she's going to give me more fluoxetine and phone me again in two weeks to see if the anxiety has settled down and to see if I'm still worried about my armpit or if its just the anxiety. I thought she would want to check me over but she manually checked me a year ago. I dont know why I'm asking complete strangers about this but I should be happy now shouldnt I?
Are you happy? Should is a very loaded word, it's best to avoid it.
Victoria84
08-10-20, 10:03
I'm happy that she feels its not urgent enough for me to need an exam there and then. I had my mask ready in my bag as I thought she would ask me to come in but not happy that I'm not going to be checked but I assume that's the anxiety and my brain getting out of proportion isn't it.
I think it is, yes. Your doctor knows her stuff, and it's good that you've been given a clean bill of physical health.
Victoria84
08-10-20, 12:39
Thank you, just need to wait for the fluoxetine to kick in.
Victoria84
09-10-20, 15:04
Well I never usually feel this bad starting fluoxetine, I feel terrible, I feel really shaky. I usually only feel nauseous. Oh well, must persevere!
Keep at it :bighug1:
The first step is always the hardest.
Victoria84
09-10-20, 16:16
Sure is, 😔 thank you.
Wanderlust
10-10-20, 23:09
Looks like there has been some great advice already, I’m sorry for your trauma, I have been there so many times myself and they never get easier. But as you were looking for advice, I would just point down the road of self care and healthy routines, time out for distressing and exercise and all of that sort of good stuff. At present it may seem utterly pointless because of the ‘certainty’ we develop in our minds and the resulting feeling of futility, but if you can, start working hard on personal distractions and self care, time with people is time away from a computer alone to research etc
all the very best
Victoria84
12-10-20, 04:49
Now I've actually found a lump in my breast, bottom half under the nipple, them same is not there in the other, I'm up in the middle of the night sweating with panic.
Victoria84
12-10-20, 10:32
I've got a doctors appointment at 5 tonight, I’ve not told anyone . I'm sat here at work freezing and absolutely terrified.
I'm really sorry, that sounds positively terrifying. Even if there's a lump, though - and with HA, there's genuinely no guarantees - there's at least an 80% chance of it being benign.
Sending all good wishes your way.
Victoria84
12-10-20, 11:02
Thank you, I'm going to ask to go home from work im no use to anyone.
Probably a good idea. Drop me a DM if you need to, okay? I'll be about all day.
Victoria84
12-10-20, 11:30
Thank you. X
Victoria84
12-10-20, 16:40
Going in for my appointment now, I could literally throw up.
Crossing all fingers and toes for you!
Going in for my appointment now, I could literally throw up.
I've had a few 'tactical hurls' in my time...
Victoria84
12-10-20, 17:21
So I have to go to the breast clinic. Great, shes given me some more diazepam.
Victoria84
12-10-20, 20:07
Officially having a meltdown now.
Sunshinegirl82
13-10-20, 09:26
I’m so sorry you’re going through this,however most people who get referred to the clinic have a benign reason and turns out to be nothing, however I can understand how scary it can be And you are probably imagining the worst case scenario,you also just started to take fluoxetine so it will heighten your anxiety more initially. X
So I have to go to the breast clinic. Great, shes given me some more diazepam.
I'd imagine the breast department is the place to go with matters of the breast? :unsure: Where did you go two years ago? Which consultant was handling your baps?
Victoria, as scary as you are making this for yourself - you had clear blood tests in February - and cancer markers would have been included.
Try and look at this logically instead of allowing your vivid imagination to run riot like a 2 year old in Primark on a Saturday afternoon!
Victoria84
13-10-20, 14:40
Nora you're amazing.
Victoria84
13-10-20, 15:16
Thank you sunshinegirl probably is the fluoxetine making me more anxious at the moment too. X
Victoria84
14-10-20, 09:40
Trying to be rational and logical but I'm afraid my brain is taking over, I'm sat at work, absolutely freezing cold because I'm frightened. I'm a complete mess.
It's a horrible situation, but as Nora's said, chances are everything will be fine.
Victoria84
14-10-20, 10:17
Thank you Blue, my boss has just been to see me to ask if i wanted to go home.
Think about it carefully - you may be better off with work distractions.
Victoria84
14-10-20, 10:38
Thats what I thought, I just said there's no point me sitting at home. Although I would like to just go and sleep. I'm still here though, I have my own room so no one can see me if I need to cry!
That's a good thing! My heart goes out to you - I've been there myself (basal cell carcinoma), and I spent the first couple of days sobbing my heart out in the library shelves.
Nora you're amazing.
True :winks:
But the reality is that I went full loon with HA, and I got myself out of it, and if I can do it, anybody can.
So the health issue I am having now is kind of a test, like back in Feb when I couldn't walk..
I went for full bloods today, and I'm having a scan on my abdomen. HA me would be spiralling as you are now, but instead I am able to look at things rationally and logically - the factors which are missing with you because fear is in control...
First test is the bloods. I went in. I was calm. No problem.
Next, the results..
If they are clear - happy days. This suggests that there is nothing majorly wrong or my blood tests would most likely be abnormal.
While I am waiting, I'm not focused on it in any fearful way. If I had to describe how I'm feeling - it's more a case of just wanting to know what the problem is because I want to feel better as soon as possible - just like in February. HA me would have been in A&E on a heart machine by now!
HA is always looking for a way back in - always - which is why diligence is required even when we feel better. Experience tells me that abnormal blood tests do not equal terminal disease, and that nothing hideous I've ever imagined for myself has ever come true.
So, you are in the waiting game, and fear has you on the run, and I really feel for you. I hope you know that?
I have a certain approach, and it can be a bit full on. The words, 'You're effing annoying' may have been uttered to me a few times on certain forums, but I prefer to get down to the nitty-gritty rather than just offer sympathy..
You have a choice - as much as it doesn't feel like it - you do.
You can totally let fear consume you, and you will be dealing the aftereffects long after you get the all clear - which is how HA keeps going because people feel so ill and can't accept that there is nothing organically wrong. Or you can start working on your HA now. This is THE perfect time - while you feel epically scared. I started the day before I had my colonoscopy. I stopped running. Incidentally my bumhole didn't stop running after I'd banged down several pints of that disgusting prep - but you know what I mean? I turned to face my fear. I told myself that I would face whatever was coming, and that brought an immense sense of relief and acceptance.
I had the colonoscopy. I was prepared to hear those words, 'You have bowel cancer'....
They never came.
But even if they had have done - I was mentally prepared to cope with dignity and grace.
Acceptance is the key to kicking HA to the gutter. It means that we accept that not every symptom means there's anything wrong, and that lots of things happen with human bodies which are totally fixable. It's also unrealistic to think that we will never become ill.
None of us can say what will happen in the future, but you are here now.
It's up to you how you spend the moment that is guaranteed. All you have to do is accept. X
Victoria84
14-10-20, 19:22
Thank you so much again, acceptance is not something I'm good at. X
Thank you so much again, acceptance is not something I'm good at. X
Well, no, or you wouldn't be in the state you're in.
But the thing with acceptance is that it's a Wizard of Oz deal where the curtain is pulled away to reveal a very non-scary old man instead of an almighty wizard who puts the shits up people. Fear is that little old bloke who is trying to big himself up, and once people see fear for what it really is - it loses its power.
It might help you to go onto Youtube and find IANDS Near death experience stories. It's a really great channel - the best on NDEs I've seen. Anybody who fears death would benefit from listening to people who have clinically died and have come back with their fear of death removed. Health anxiety is essentially the fear of death and dying. It's a phobia. You overcome a phobia by exposing yourself to whatever it is you fear. You can't practice dying, obvs, but you can listen to people who have, and what almost every NDEr says, is that there is nothing to fear.
Victoria84
15-10-20, 08:31
I wouldn't say I'm scared of death, its that I'm scared of leaving my son. I love him so much I could burst.
I wouldn't say I'm scared of death, its that I'm scared of leaving my son. I love him so much I could burst.
I get that. That was the problem with me too...
Part of loving your son is that you need to control your HA so that you can give him good memories of you, and not a legacy of fear. You get me?
You are here now. X
Victoria84
15-10-20, 14:27
I completely understand what you mean, putting in to practise is a different kettle of fish! Got my appointment through for 26th October. X
I completely understand what you mean, putting in to practise is a different kettle of fish! Got my appointment through for 26th October. X
If this was your son going through this, you would be pulling out all the stops to ease his fears, wouldn't you? You have it in you. You just need to make the decision to feel like shit, but get on with your life for the next 10 days, and for however long it takes you to gain control of your health anxiety.
It's all about reframing how you think...
I'll give you an example...
My mother died and six years later I was still feeling sad and dwelling on her last moments. One day the thought came into my mind that I am a mother too and how would I feel if my children were still carrying that amount of sadness and pain 6 years after my death? I was mortified!! From that moment, the darkness lifted and all it took was to reframe the situation - which is what I'm suggesting you to do.
Victoria84
16-10-20, 12:49
Thank you Nora. X
I found a lump about 2 and a half years ago at the age of 22. I was so scared and convinced I was dying. I went to the doctor who also could feel it and my heart sank when she actually booked me in for a semi emergency scan for a week's time. The whole time leading up to it I was imaging my parents at my funeral and wondering if I'd go out in pain or not. Turns out, it was my boobs going through a growth spurt and it was just a breast bud. They can happen apparently lol. I read about Ruby Rose randomly going from an A cup to a D cup in her late twenties and it wasn't due to weight gain. Breasts are weird and mine are full of weird lumps and bumps, breasts just feel like someone has shoved a load of sweet corn into a sock to me haha.
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Victoria84
17-10-20, 07:49
I love it, sweetcorn in a sock 😂 Thats exactly how mine feel!
Victoria84
19-10-20, 16:20
So as well as going in to my appointment on my own because of Covid, my partner can't get the day off work to drop me off and look after our son, I'm now going to have to tell my mum and dad so they can have him which I didnt want to have to do.
Victoria84
25-10-20, 09:25
My appointment is tomorrow and I'm really not doing well this morning so far.
My appointment is tomorrow and I'm really not doing well this morning so far.
Let us know how you go on.
Thinking of you. X
Victoria84
28-10-20, 13:52
Thank you Nora, everything was fine. I had a manual exam first and I think the consultant would have happily sent me home she couldn't feel anything at all. I had an ultrasound of the breast and armpit and it was clear, I examined them when I got home so I know how they should feel from now on and i couldn't feel the lump at all. I just need to stop this health anxiety now before it starts on something else. I've had shoulder blade pain for 2 years ever since my son was born, been to two physiotherapists, logically its because im tensing myself up and its knackered from carrying the baby seat for a year and a half on my weaker shoulder so the next step is not to let that run away with me now, oh the joys of the brain. X
Sunshinegirl82
28-10-20, 16:13
So glad that it all went fine and definitely a good idea to use this check as a baseline now x
Thank you Nora, everything was fine.
This is where you address the health anxiety Victoria, because if you don't it won't be too long before another symptom drags you back down that hole.
Remember how convincing HA can be, and make no mistake, it will try again and again until you accept the potential for illnesses and the absolute certainty of dying and death.
In order to live, you need to accept these things and it really is the only way that you will control health anxiety, and even then it will always try and test you.
You are applying logic only after you've been given the all clear - which is easy. You must learn to apply logic beforehand. Had you have done so, this thread wouldn't exist.
The brain can trained out of HA. It's hard work because it's easier to flip out than it is to work against the negative bias.
Remember that your body has taken an absolute hammering from stress hormones during this stressful period and it will take time to desensitise, and that's providing you don't move onto something else. You will have physical symptoms, and for a while yet. This is to be expected. Just accept them for what they are.
I'm happy for you that you have the all clear. I'm not at all surprised, but I'm still happy. Hopefully you will make these past few weeks count for something, and use this as the start of your recovery from health anxiety. X
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