Can’t cope at the moment. [Archive]

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Phoenixess

14-10-20, 00:02

My diagnosis is severe anxiety with depersonalisation.
Tonight I hit a rock bottom low. I have serious issues regarding eating and tonight I was on anxiety overdrive since this afternoon, not to mention the depression I suffered yesterday of despair and crying from flashbacks which were triggered from a nightmare and a week ago my hair fell out. This evening I at a whole coffee cake, 3 Reece’s peanut buttercups, Chinese consisting of 9 chicken balls a pot of bbq sauce, sweet and sour sauce, salt and pepper chicken, half a tub of egg fried rice and a portion of chips AND three mini mars bars. I feel shit is an understatement!
I rang the mental health support like as I’d made myself physically sick and the adrenaline was pumping through my veins, not to mention my mum got pissed tonight and it was like babysitting a drunken zombie with their own language.
Anyway the mental health support line heard me mention in passing I’m starting a new therapy pathway with a new CPN and I hadn’t put my anxiety on to that. The guy knows me I’ve spoken to him lots of times we have a brilliant local mental health support line and I’ve been lucky to have this guy 4/5 times now when he says his name I say hey it’s me! And he knows everything so he’s consistent in supporting me. Never had we spoken about change and fears around change and then I started to cry I was scared the new CPN would judge me or I didn’t have anxiety and I was making it all up and the new CPN would meet me and say “oh there’s nothing wrong with her”
Anyway he suggested that my current CPN is doing a very sensible transition for me as she herself is going to do the initial big assessment with me for this specific structure of programme of therapy whereas it would have been handed over to just whoever was available but this lady has known me for two years. I never think change is scary or a trigger I just can’t connect with it but it seems to be a huge consequence for my anxiety as I have seen today. I just feel this is sooo rubbish right now and the calories I’ve consumed is making me feel horrid I’m such a **** all over again. I HATE myself

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Carnation

14-10-20, 00:22

Phoenixess

14-10-20, 00:26

Phoenixess,

I didn't want you to think no one was listening to you in your struggles.
I know you've been through such an ordeal this year and was surprised how well you coped with it all, and on your own!
Don't bash yourself up, you should be mighty proud of yourself with everything you've had to cope with.
Hang on in there, I know you'll get through this. xx

Thank you carnation I’m just so mad at myself for the binge I’ve had on the food I feel so sad why would I do that to myself I’ve not done anything that drastic since I lived alone [emoji3525][emoji3525][emoji3525]

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NoraB

14-10-20, 08:13

Try not to hate yourself lovely, this is the time to give yourself some love, not hate.

The binge isn't so much the problem as how you are reacting to it - that's where the damage lies.

Sending lots of loving vibes your way. X

BlueIris

14-10-20, 08:45

Here for you, hon - sorry for the late reply.

Please don't worry about the occasional food binge - it happens to all of us, and as Nora said, the only real harm done is emotional.

Please be kind to yourself?

Phoenixess

14-10-20, 11:41

BlueIris

14-10-20, 11:48

You overate, I promise this isn't a huge deal.

Would going for a walk help?

NoraB

14-10-20, 12:16

Hi Nora and Blue
Still really struggling with the self hatred about last night and all that food I consumed I’m so anxious and feel sick thinking about it. I really really hate myself right now.
I’m so anxious I can’t sit still just feel terrible.
Never known how to be kind to myself about my mistakes feel out of control re eating
PH xx

I know it must seem to everybody that I'm always saying, yeah I've had that, but the truth is that I've had a lifetime of mental disorders - some of which I've been able to gain control of. I've had bulimia and anorexia. I was bulimic as a teenager, so I understand the guilt and self-loathing from binge-eating. That aside, it's always been my way to scoff when I'm stressed, or in pain - physical and emotional. Due to FMS, I have so many food sensitivities now that I only have to glance at a chocolate bar and I feel ill, and my body can't handle the aftermath anymore. But, I've been where you are now, many times.

You were trying to comfort yourself. It's a brain/hormone thing, and it works while we are getting those endorphin hits - but then we have to cope with the emotional and physical comedown. The body will do its thing. It's a magnificent machine - more awesome than most of us realise. But you have to work on your mind, as only you can do this.

I've abused my body in so many ways over the years, but there is nothing to be gained in hating myself. If anything, I finally feel love for bulimic me, and anorexic me, because I was under a shit load of stress - none of which I could talk about. I never deliberately wanted to harm myself - I just wanted not to feel so sad for a short while...

It helps me to reframe my past by understanding that 'mistakes' are also opportunities to grow and learn.

You show yourself kindness by not berating yourself. You work on what triggered you, and your stress levels. The act of bingeing has gone. It cannot be changed no matter how much you kick yourself. But you do get to move forwards. Your body is showing you love all the time. It is clearing the toxins from your body right now. It is loving you from the inside..

Today is a new day. X

Phoenixess

14-10-20, 12:43

I know it must seem to everybody that I'm always saying, yeah I've had that, but the truth is that I've had a lifetime of mental disorders - some of which I've been able to gain control of. I've had bulimia and anorexia. I was bulimic as a teenager, so I understand the guilt and self-loathing from binge-eating. That aside, it's always been my way to scoff when I'm stressed, or in pain - physical and emotional. Due to FMS, I have so many food sensitivities now that I only have to glance at a chocolate bar and I feel ill, and my body can't handle the aftermath anymore. But, I've been where you are now, many times.

You were trying to comfort yourself. It's a brain/hormone thing, and it works while we are getting those endorphin hits - but then we have to cope with the emotional and physical comedown. The body will do its thing. It's a magnificent machine - more awesome than most of us realise. But you have to work on your mind, as only you can do this.

I've abused my body in so many ways over the years, but there is nothing to be gained in hating myself. If anything, I finally feel love for bulimic me, and anorexic me, because I was under a shit load of stress - none of which I could talk about. I never deliberately wanted to harm myself - I just wanted not to feel so sad for a short while...

It helps me to reframe my past by understanding that 'mistakes' are also opportunities to grow and learn.

You show yourself kindness by not berating yourself. You work on what triggered you, and your stress levels. The act of bingeing has gone. It cannot be changed no matter how much you kick yourself. But you do get to move forwards. Your body is showing you love all the time. It is clearing the toxins from your body right now. It is loving you from the inside..

Today is a new day. X

I want to say I love you (crazy emotional woman here) I have been bulimic since I was 16 only now I can admit it and talk about. It’s partially a learnt behaviour from multiple angles. But I never (in my mind achieved ) anorexia I go days without eating and the longest I didn’t eat was in May and hun this year but that was due to my mental health. I try to eat healthy and regular and I exercise as an when about 5 times a week I go for long walks and I’m a power walker. It got easier since I lost the 3.5stone and the panic attacks have reduced I got panic attacks everytime my heart rate was elevated. The most amazing thing was my blood pressure 100% normal for the first time in my adult life. My goal is to be 5 stone less than where I am and my depression has creeped up on me my weight plateaued for the last two months.
I met a guy online we went on three dates and he called me unstable. I think that actually fed into my self worth more than I care to admit.
I make myself sick when I eat normally too. But to eat to the extent I did last night shocked the living daylights out of me to feel that out of control.
I’m typing this as I sit on my vibration plate before I’m going for a walk. Need to up my water game today cannot let this affect my progress. I really want to hit my goal weight!!
I hate food I hate it with a passion!
Thank you for sharing your journey and I feel like you do 100 million % get where I’m coming from.
It’s nice to meet our demons I’m now facing up to mine. Bulimia was my secret my control my hidden world and now I’m ready to admit it and ask for help with it.
PH xxx

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NoraB

14-10-20, 13:07

I met a guy online we went on three dates and he called me unstable. I think that actually fed into my self worth more than I care to admit.

Stuff like this is always going to be an almighty kick in the bits with sensitive people, but look at it a different way, as in, you wouldn't want someone like that in your life, so it's better for you that this guy showed his true colours three dates in..

Bulimia was my secret my control my hidden world and now I’m ready to admit it and ask for help with it.

This is how you regain control - by acknowledging the problem and bringing it out in the open, and without shame, because there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Start loving yourself from now - this moment. X

pulisa

14-10-20, 13:26

Get help for your bulimia, Phoenixess..I've struggled with an ED since I was 16 and I'm 61 now. It doesn't go away without bringing it out into the open and tackling it head on with professionals xx

Phoenixess

14-10-20, 13:31

Stuff like this is always going to be an almighty kick in the bits with sensitive people, but look at it a different way, as in, you wouldn't want someone like that in your life, so it's better for you that this guy showed his true colours three dates in..

This is how you regain control - by acknowledging the problem and bringing it out in the open, and without shame, because there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Start loving yourself from now - this moment. X

Let’s give this a go shall we loving me! I don’t ever see positives about myself but I’m going to try to make a list!
That guy was a dick just wish I hadn’t let it be get to me so much idiota!!! He was unstable all he would talk about was his bowel and his constipation and money yet he lost his job. I was quite angry at him I think yet I took it out on me.
Time to start again. Loving myself.
This is going to be a challenge but I need to start somewhere. Xx

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Phoenixess

14-10-20, 13:44

Get help for your bulimia, Phoenixess..I've struggled with an ED since I was 16 and I'm 61 now. It doesn't go away without bringing it out into the open and tackling it head on with professionals xx

How do you get help? How does it stop? I quit drinking alcohol to cope. However this is a sticky one it’s so deep rooted in the emotional abuse I experienced as a child about my weight from my father. Every dream I had he crushed because he said I wasn’t pretty enough I wasn’t slim enough. He put me on ludicrous diets since I was 4 he would weigh me every single day. He took me to dieticians across the country. He even put 14 bags of sugar on his filing cabinet and said for each lb I lost he would take one away and then I would get the present at the end. (Which were a set of Britannia encyclopaedias that was not incentive for a 7 y/o to loose weight!!). At school the dinner ladies had to make me special meals because of my dad instructions. I ended up having jacket potato with beans for most my junior school meals on a plate away from everyone else. Never allowed dessert or custard at school. Nothing. I always felt self conscious. Yet w ho was there looking after me at 9 I used to cook for myself is cook a whole packet of chicken nuggets and french fries. No one was there to eat with me on a Sunday I’d put Jurassic park on with my plate of nuggets chips and ketchup and that felt safe.
I’ve never spoken about this stuff it’s really nice to acknowledge it and make connections.
But at 16 my whole school year had an issue with anorexia (all girls school) they had special assemblies to tell us statistically our year was worse than the national average with anorexia. They monitored our dinner cards and all sorts. I internalised it as criticism for me being over weight so I started to eat less drink tonnes of water and I lost a lot of weight very quickly. My incentive was my prom. By then I’d got into size 14 clothes the anorexic popular girls went on how beautiful I was how I should be a model I became popular by abusing my body.
Then my life changed my dad rejected me and I spiralled out of control for about five years. At 21 I was homeless and had to clean my act up. But the only comfort in those lonely times was alcohol and cigarettes, men and food and vomiting. I lost weight again I kept it off for a number of year in therapy. But I still was classed as obese by any feat of the nhs strategies. Only this year have I been the lowest adult weight in my entire life.
But the pain and ED prevails as my friend but not last night last night was wayyy out of my norm!

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NoraB

14-10-20, 13:55

Let’s give this a go shall we loving me! I don’t ever see positives about myself but I’m going to try to make a list!

I found it incredibly hard at first because I've lived a life of people saying horrible things to me, and after a while, you believe them, don't you?

But then one day I realised that every person who ever did (or said) something mean to me did it because they had issues or were unhappy. Doesn't excuse any of it, but it explains their behaviour.

Turns out they couldn't cope with my awesomeness! :yesyes:

Challenge, yes, but you are worth the effort it's going to take. X

Carnation

14-10-20, 14:11

Phoenixess,

You have certainly come to the right place.
I fought anorexia for the best part of 3 decades.
It also started with a situation in my childhood and I used as a tool to project my emotional state, unfortunately no one was listening. The same with the alcohol.
And we know the only person we are hurting is ourselves.
Eventually I learnt to see food as fuel to keep healthy.
I gave up drink and don't miss it at all.
It just clouded my mind and I thought it would stop my thinking, but it doesn't.
Same with relationships. I was too much too handle.
If you have to be handled, then they can't be right for you.
Phoenixess, all these issues can be helped.
But the answers lie with you.
There are reasons and they are probably deep rooted.
They become a habit, but habits can be broken.
You hun are a strong willed person which will have its benefits to achieving your goals.
It's the right goals you need and you will find them.
Don't ever feel you are alone in this Phoenixess. x :hugs:

Phoenixess

14-10-20, 14:20

You gals are the best you give me strength to share this and to know I’m not alone is just the biggest relief of my entire life. Honestly all of you I can’t thank you enough massive hugs!
Xxxxxx

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NoraB

14-10-20, 14:27

Carnation

14-10-20, 14:36

One from me too :bighug1: