nikk_dolittle
28-10-07, 11:45
Hi all,
Sorry to be moaning yet again but feel I need to get things off my chest, as things are quite bad yet again.
I know that 2 weeks ago was a really hard week what with it being a year of disbelief from the police when I opened up. It got to me loads at night than through the day. As the nighttimes are my hardest I felt like ending everything there and then as I knew the next day would be even harder to do. But I tried to stay as strong as I can and I made it through the night only cutting quite a bit and badly but I fought past the feelings. Then the next day was really really terrible, I couldn’t get my butt out of bed no matter what I tried. I wanted to stay and hide away from the outside world. I can hardly get out now, College is becoming a massive struggle to get there and stay there the day. I know I have the **** taken out of me if I cant cope but its become so much and I cant tell anyone about that in case it gets worse. I spend most of the time alone as I don’t feel safe if I have a panic attack with people. But now I am coping a little better with it and just try my hardest not to be near people when it happens or just run out the way till I feel ok.
Then last Thursday my dad had an urgent call to go to the hospital and hasn’t been looking good and I know some of what’s wrong but not fully so its not helping me as I’m worried about him, and not sure how to handle it. I havent seen him as I freak out in hospitals, I know I’ll be safe but it’s the thought of there being loads of people around. Plus its harder as its his birthday today and I cant even see him :weep:
Then last week I got a new baby bunny, as I treated myself for being strong and not totally end everything like I get to the stage sometimes. I was doing well with it, I could hold it and I managed to push past the intrusive thoughts of harm I was getting near my pets till last night….my new bunny wasn’t doing good and I found out it had a broken leg and had a mini stroke, so I got hold of my tutor as shes in charge of the animals and told what had happened…within a few minutes he passed away on me. So now I my thoughts have come back really bad again and I cant cope with them now, I’m scared the other pets will get taken away and I have no choice. I didn’t do anything but they have come back soooo terrible again.
Now I don’t know what to do…my heads really messed up and I don’t know what’s what now.
I try to hide my feelings no matter what I do and not show them around people. I cant trust people anymore, I haven’t the strength to do this, I’m losing everyone I did have and once they’ve gone then what else am I supposed to do. I cant sleep but when I do, I sleep so much day and night….I’m soo scared, the smallest things are panicking me now. I move and feel panicky. :lac:
I’m useless at everything, what’s best to give up totally or try to act strong again? I feel soo hurt by everything, lonely, lost, and messed up big-time.
Sorry to vent again.
Nikk xxxxxxx:hugs: :hugs:
Also a big sorry to Nic (nomorepanic) and also to Trac (trac67) who have had me moaning and whinging non-stop recently and then going off at one at them when I don’t mean too. Sorry xx
Sorry to be moaning yet again but feel I need to get things off my chest, as things are quite bad yet again.
I know that 2 weeks ago was a really hard week what with it being a year of disbelief from the police when I opened up. It got to me loads at night than through the day. As the nighttimes are my hardest I felt like ending everything there and then as I knew the next day would be even harder to do. But I tried to stay as strong as I can and I made it through the night only cutting quite a bit and badly but I fought past the feelings. Then the next day was really really terrible, I couldn’t get my butt out of bed no matter what I tried. I wanted to stay and hide away from the outside world. I can hardly get out now, College is becoming a massive struggle to get there and stay there the day. I know I have the **** taken out of me if I cant cope but its become so much and I cant tell anyone about that in case it gets worse. I spend most of the time alone as I don’t feel safe if I have a panic attack with people. But now I am coping a little better with it and just try my hardest not to be near people when it happens or just run out the way till I feel ok.
Then last Thursday my dad had an urgent call to go to the hospital and hasn’t been looking good and I know some of what’s wrong but not fully so its not helping me as I’m worried about him, and not sure how to handle it. I havent seen him as I freak out in hospitals, I know I’ll be safe but it’s the thought of there being loads of people around. Plus its harder as its his birthday today and I cant even see him :weep:
Then last week I got a new baby bunny, as I treated myself for being strong and not totally end everything like I get to the stage sometimes. I was doing well with it, I could hold it and I managed to push past the intrusive thoughts of harm I was getting near my pets till last night….my new bunny wasn’t doing good and I found out it had a broken leg and had a mini stroke, so I got hold of my tutor as shes in charge of the animals and told what had happened…within a few minutes he passed away on me. So now I my thoughts have come back really bad again and I cant cope with them now, I’m scared the other pets will get taken away and I have no choice. I didn’t do anything but they have come back soooo terrible again.
Now I don’t know what to do…my heads really messed up and I don’t know what’s what now.
I try to hide my feelings no matter what I do and not show them around people. I cant trust people anymore, I haven’t the strength to do this, I’m losing everyone I did have and once they’ve gone then what else am I supposed to do. I cant sleep but when I do, I sleep so much day and night….I’m soo scared, the smallest things are panicking me now. I move and feel panicky. :lac:
I’m useless at everything, what’s best to give up totally or try to act strong again? I feel soo hurt by everything, lonely, lost, and messed up big-time.
Sorry to vent again.
Nikk xxxxxxx:hugs: :hugs:
Also a big sorry to Nic (nomorepanic) and also to Trac (trac67) who have had me moaning and whinging non-stop recently and then going off at one at them when I don’t mean too. Sorry xx